I can still hear my mother and grandmother singing that song back in the day when church services seemed to last ALL DAY. The song—which I’m sure is still being sang somewhere—speaks to the beauty of silence in the midst of chaos, and how it allows you the opportunity to hear God’s voice. It’s really powerful stuff when you sit and think about it.

Unfortunately, the power of that message doesn’t always translate when you’re dealing with a relationship. There are times when silence can be the worst possible option for a man, because it allows his woman the space to interpret what he’s thinking. And trust me, that’s not necessarily a good thing.

You could be sitting there in the middle of an argument silently waiting to hear from God, and she could just be thinking that you don’t care and have given up on the relationship. In that moment, do you really think that you can look at her and say, “Naw baby, I’m just sitting here waiting to hear from God … I’ll talk as soon as I hear from him.” …. I didn’t think so.

So today, we’re going to discuss the best approach for men in situations where silence is a bad move. To assist in this exercise, I’ve decided to share an excerpt from Men’s Health on this very subject. Check it out.

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During an Argument

Why you’re quiet: You’re trying not to provoke her, which could cause even more anger and conflict.

What she thinks: “She’ll feel you don’t respect her opinion, which is worse than not caring,” says Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men.

The fix: Say, “I care about this relationship and don’t want to say something stupid I’ll regret. Can we talk about it in half an hour?” By setting a time to revisit the discussion, she’ll know you’re not just trying to escape.

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Relaxing After Sex

Why you’re quiet: “For men, talk isn’t as significant as action is,” says Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., author of You Just Don’t Understand.

What she thinks: Your mind is wandering—or you fell asleep. “This is the time she wants to feel close and know that you feel the same,” Tannen says. “Talk is the way she expects you to show it.”

The fix: Rather than offering an offhand platitude, mention something specific you love about her. Better yet, talk about a mind-blowing moment to let her know it was worth remembering.

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When She’s Upset About Work

Why you’re quiet: “Men want to be able to fix things,” says Tannen. “When they don’t know how, they shut down.”

What she thinks: You’re uninterested in her life and would rather wait until she stops talking about it.

The fix: Don’t offer solutions, says Tannen. She knows you don’t have a quick fix, and she’s not looking for one. “Show that you’re listening,” Tannen says, like expressing shock at her boss’s actions or empathizing with a problem.

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When She Asks How She Looks

Why you’re quiet: You’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, so you keep the praise short and generic.

What she thinks: You’re not into her—at all. “When women ask this, men take it literally,” says Dr. Haltzman. “But women are also asking at an emotional level, meaning, ‘What do you think of me?’”

The fix: Quick: What do you like best about her body? Tell her how the clothing shows off that beloved feature. Dr. Haltzman says it’s not necessarily the compliment that matters; speed and sincerity are what she’s looking for.

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Meeting Her Friends

Why you’re quiet: You feel shy or awkward, because you don’t know them and wonder what they’ve heard about you.

What she thinks: You’re being inconsiderate and maybe even hostile toward her friends. A 2007 article in the journal Sex Roles found that men who speak up are considered more likable and competent.

The fix: Ahead of time, ask her for a story about her friends that’ll be fun to bring up when you meet them. “You’ll share in the moment,” Dr. Haltzman says, “and you’ll show that the two of you talk about the group in a positive way.

(Source-Men’s Health)

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The Fly Conclusion: To the men; I hope that this article has shed light on the basic idea that movie theaters have been lying to you for years … silence is not golden … especially when you’re involved in a committed relationship.

The floor is now officially open for you to agree, disagree, or to just tell me how your day is going in general. Let’s talk.

I can’t help but be amused by an article I just read on CNN. Not because the information found in it is funny … no, that’s not it. Instead, my laughs come as a result of me predicting the response the piece will get from you. In it, the writer, Dr. Louann Brizendine, discusses the makeup of a man’s brain, and why we (men) can’t help doing the things that we do … like staring at breasts and butts. Gotta love the professional opinion of a doctor.

Read, comment, share, and then let’s talk about it.

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Fly Feature written by Louann Brizendine

Although women the world over have been doing it for centuries, we can’t really blame a guy for being a guy. And this is especially true now that we know that the male and female brains have some profound differences.

Our brains are mostly alike. We are the same species, after all. But the differences can sometimes make it seem like we are worlds apart.

The “defend your turf” area — dorsal premammillary nucleus — is larger in the male brain and contains special circuits to detect territorial challenges by other males. And his amygdala, the alarm system for threats, fear and danger is also larger in men. These brain differences make men more alert than women to potential turf threats.

Meanwhile, the “I feel what you feel” part of the brain — mirror-neuron system — is larger and more active in the female brain. So women can naturally get in sync with others’ emotions by reading facial expressions, interpreting tone of voice and other nonverbal emotional cues.

Perhaps the biggest difference between the male and female brain is that men have a sexual pursuit area that is 2.5 times larger than the one in the female brain. Not only that, but beginning in their teens, they produce 200 to 250 percent more testosterone than they did during pre-adolescence.

If testosterone were beer, a 9-year-old boy would be getting the equivalent of a cup a day. But a 15-year-old would be getting the equivalent of nearly two gallons a day. This fuels their sexual engines and makes it impossible for them to stop thinking about female body parts and sex.

And so begins the ‘Man Trance’

All that testosterone drives the “Man Trance”– that glazed-eye look a man gets when he sees breasts. As a woman who was among the ranks of the early feminists, I wish I could say that men can stop themselves from entering this trance. But the truth is, they can’t. Their visual brain circuits are always on the lookout for fertile mates. Whether or not they intend to pursue a visual enticement, they have to check out the goods.

To a man, this is the most natural response in the world, so he’s dismayed by how betrayed his wife or girlfriend feels when she sees him eyeing another woman. Men look at attractive women the way we look at pretty butterflies. They catch the male brain’s attention for a second, but then they flit out of his mind. Five minutes later, while we’re still fuming, he’s deciding whether he wants ribs or chicken for dinner. He asks us, “What’s wrong?” We say, “Nothing.” He shrugs and turns on the TV. We smolder and fear that he’ll leave us for another woman.

Not surprisingly, the different objectives that men and women have in mating games put us on opposing teams — at least at first. The female brain is driven to seek security and reliability in a potential mate before she has sex. But a male brain is fueled to mate and mate again. Until, that is, he mates for life.

Despite stereotypes to the contrary, the male brain can fall in love just as hard and fast as the female brain, and maybe more so. When he meets and sets his sights on capturing “the one,” mating with her becomes his prime directive. And when he succeeds, his brain makes an indelible imprint of her. Lust and love collide and he’s hooked.

The ‘Doting Daddy Brain’

A man in hot pursuit of a mate doesn’t even remotely resemble a devoted, doting daddy. But that’s what his future holds. When his mate becomes pregnant, she’ll emit pheromones that will waft into his nostrils, stimulating his brain to make more of a hormone called prolactin. Her pheromones will also cause his testosterone production to drop by 30 percent.

These hormonal changes make him more likely to help with the baby. They also change his perceptual circuitry, increasing his ability to hear a baby cry, something many men can’t do very well before their wives are pregnant.

And a word to the wise for all the young mothers who are reluctant to let your husbands hold and care for your newborn. The more hands-on care a father gives his infant, the more his brain aligns with the role of fatherhood. So, hand over the baby.

His emotions run deep

Although men have earned the reputation for being more stoic than women, they actually have stronger emotional reactions than we do. They just don’t show it very often.

Studies of men’s faces show that the male brain’s initial emotional reaction can be stronger than the female brain’s. But within 2.5 seconds, he changes his face to hide the emotion, or even reverse it. The repeated practice of hiding his emotions gives men the classic poker face.

It’s his poker face and his analytical response to personal problems that can put him in the doghouse. She’s crying as she talks about what’s wrong with the relationship, and instead of hugging her, his mind is racing to find a way to resolve the problem as soon as possible. With practice and because of the way their brains are wired, men use their analytical brain structures, not their emotional ones, to find a solution.

They enjoy this advantage, but women often take affront to it. When you’re telling your husband your problem and he tries to solve it instead of hearing you out, you may think he’s being insensitive. But that’s not what’s going on in his brain. He’s working to solve the problem so he can relieve your pain as quickly as possible. Not because he doesn’t care or doesn’t want to listen, but because he loves you.

‘Lovable Grandpas’ and ‘Grumpy Old Men’

As men age, the male brain hormones change and the male brain and body goes into the stage of life called andropause. The king of male hormones — testosterone — goes down and the queen of female hormones — estrogen — goes up. Whether Grandpa is your kids’ hero or the grouch they hate to visit depends a lot on how he handles these hormonal changes. For example, if his testosterone levels drop to an abnormally low level, he can feel tired, irritable and even depressed. Some men in this condition seek hormone replacement therapy and others find relief in exercise, more frequent sex, and spending more time with other people.

The grandpa that kids can’t wait to see is the one who’s feeling the effects of the hormone oxytocin, often called the “cuddle hormone.” He’s fun and playful and likes to hear what his grandchildren have to say. He’s much more patient with your children than he was with you, when you were growing up. The love circuits of the mature male brain can be hijacked by his grandkids, even more than they were by his own children.

The ‘Lonely Hearts Club’

Not only is the mature male brain more receptive to closer bonds, but it’s also more sensitive to loneliness. Nobody thrives when they’re lonely, but it seems to take a major toll on older men. Sixty percent of divorces in couples over the age of 50 are initiated by women, leaving their husbands shell-shocked and devastated.

Once his wife leaves, unless he makes a point of socializing more with other people, his brain stops getting the social workout it needs to make him feel good about himself. If he becomes a loner, his social-approval circuits don’t get activated. In brain scan studies of older males researchers have found that the brain’s pleasure and reward areas, the VTA and the NAc, remain more active in men who are social. So don’t begrudge the divorcee or the new widower some socializing and seeking female companionship.

The bottom line

The human brain is the best learning machine on the planet and human beings are capable of making major changes in our lives. But there are some things that the male brain and female brain are not likely to change anytime soon. And it makes more sense to deal with these brain realities, than to argue with them or ignoring them.

The best advice I have for women is make peace with the male brain. Let men be men.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Louann Brizendine.

Today’s piece focuses on a question consistently asked, but rarely answered in a meaningful way:

“Do men know how to love?”

I haven’t even started yet, but I can already hear a loud and very passionate chorus of women ready to express their sincere belief that no man is capable of loving someone in a meaningful way. And while I’m not willing to go that far, I will say that there are some men who do struggle with the idea. Today’s column will highlight three factors that contribute to their struggle.

Fly Disclaimer: This doesn’t apply to all men. There are pockets of men that remain unaffected by the following variables.

Factor # 1 Heartbreak Follows Us.

While some women are quick to state their belief that “all men are dogs,” there happens to be a large group of women who cheat just as much as men do (yeah, I said it.) In all honesty, a broken heart often does more damage to a man’s psyche than it does to a woman’s. Now he may never fully admit to the total extent of that damage, but the effects can stay with him for a very long time, in turn affecting the way that he loves going forward.

Factor # 2 Expression Is Not An Option.

For many of us, the chapter on “expressing our emotions” was left out of our copy of the Male Handbook. As men, we’re taught to forgive each other for a wide range of offenses—robbing a bank, stealing an old lady’s groceries, beating up a midget—but crying or showing any signs of weakness is unforgivable in the eyes of our fellow man. (That rule is strictly enforced by my dad or any old church deacon in America.)

In their eyes, the only time it’s ok to demonstrate any real emotion is in sports—but even that has its limits. This mindset often spills over into relationships, as men struggle with their ability to express their feelings. They’d rather shut you out than face the prospect of you tapping into the core of their emotions. (You can blame Deacon Mike for that one.)

Factor # 3 The Rules Change Everyday.

The moment a men tells me that he’s figured out the formula to loving a woman is the moment I tell him he’s a fool. It’s impossible, as you can’t attempt to love a woman with a singular approach and expect success over the long haul … women change too much for that.

Many men struggle with this concept. In their minds, if a woman is happy with them taking her to the Cheesecake Factory for her birthday one year, then she should always be happy with that.

Bad philosophy.

That inability to adapt and evolve with the changing needs of a woman often stunts a man’s ability to love effectively. I call this the MC Hammer effect. Much like Hammer’s insistence to make the same music over and over again, some men fall into the trap of trying to express their love in that same predictable manner.

And just like Hammer’s music, that approach gets old real fast. (I think we all know what happens when something gets old … or as I like to say, gets Hammerized.)

The Fly Guy Moral: This piece shouldn’t be viewed as an attempt on my part to make excuses for the brotherhood. Instead, I hope that by shedding light on a few of our dating challenges, we can address them and begin to establish happier, healthier relationships with you, the fairer sex.

Any thoughts?

Hey there Fly Guy,

I know I should know the answer to this question, but my new guy friend said that I was a sweet woman with substance. What the hell does that mean from a man’s point of view?

Rare Jewel

Hey Rare Jewel,

From a man’s point of view, what that means is, “you’re a sweet woman with substance.” I know that’s what he said verbatim, but that’s my point. There are many instances where there’s no explanation needed. In my piece, “3 Things That Guys Hate To Hear” (Read Here), one of my main points was that guys hate to be asked “what did you mean when you said ….” Often times, there isn’t a hidden meaning behind a guy’s words. We’re just far less likely to speak in code (unless of course we’re lying, which is a completely different story.)

So be happy that he called you a woman of substance—trust me, it’s a good thing. It just means that he can actually talk to you about something deeper than your favorite sex position or the latest episode of “Real Chance Of Love.” His ability to see something more in you only increases the chances that your new “friendship” will blossom into something more meaningful. I hope this helps.

The Fly Guy