So Tiger Woods finally made a public appearance to give the world the apology they’ve so desperately been waiting for. In the aftermath, while commentators analyzed the sincerity of his words, I could only sit back and laugh. Why you may ask? Well, that wasn’t the real apology—at least not the one that Tiger was initially prepared to give.  You see, last night Tiger called me to practice his speech, and the words that came out of his mouth would have forever damaged his career… I just couldn’t let that happen to my boy.

So after a long night of revisions, and endless amounts of coffee, we finally got it right. Listen; the public can never know what Tiger really wanted to say. But since you’re like family, and I know you won’t tell anyone, I figured I’d give you a bit of insider information.  Here’s what Tiger really wanted to say…

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Tiger Quote #1 “Many of you in the room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me, or worked with me, or supported me, and now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me.”

What Tiger Really Said: “A lot of you in this room have made money off of me. But ever since the sh*t hit the fan, you turned your back on me. That’s cool though. I’m not tripping … but I am taking names. And when I’m back on top, I better not see any of you at the house when it’s time to barbecue. All of you traitors can kiss my Caublasian ass with your tongue out.”

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Tiger Quote #2“Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As she pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words.”

What Tiger Really Said: “Elin has been cursing my ass out, and making me buy her a lot of expensive sh*t, so I really need you guys to forgive me so I can get back to playing golf. When Kobe messed up, he still got to play and collect checks. Do you really think he was flying back from the courtroom to play just because he loves the game? Hell no, he was trying to pay for all of those bills that Vanessa was running up.  So cut me some slack … my chick is sucking me dry.

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Tiger Quote #3 “Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through education. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California, to the Earl Woods Scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.”

What Tiger Really Said: “Keep f*cking with me, and these niggers black kids are gonna lose their scholarships … I’m not playing.”

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Tiger Quote #4 “I knew my actions were wrong. But I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have far — didn’t have to go far to find them.”

What Tiger Really Said: “You have no idea what it’s like to be young and rich. And I’m not talking about Diddy/Jay-Z rich, because I’d probably kill myself if my bank account ever dropped that low. I’m talking about being the most wealthy athlete of all time … did you hear me, of all time!!!  When you have that kind of pull, the bitches are just there for the taking. And when I say bitch, I mean it in a respectful way, except when I’m referring to the bitches that told on me. The bottom line is that the power went to my head, and I got caught. Period.”

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Tiger Quote #5 “Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your hearts to one day believe in me again. Thank you.”

What Tiger Really Said: “Alright now, I’m about to walk off this podium. And when I do, I don’t want to hear about this sh*t anymore. Don’t come to my house, don’t mess with my wife and my kids, and don’t follow my mom. If you do, then my black side is gonna have to come out. Trust me, you don’t want to see me when I’m Earl Woods Jr. I’m out this bioyitch!!!”

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The Fly Conclusion: So that was a glimpse of Tiger’s real speech. Love him or hate him, the brother was prepared to come real today … I just couldn’t let that happen.

The Tiger Woods Apology Video