The words that pour through my pen represent a concentrated overflow of all of the passion, pain and promise that I’ve experienced throughout the years. And while I work through my ability to freely share it all with you, I take solace in the fact that others have successfully achieved that level of openness.

I share some of their thoughts on love and relationships in this edition of Love Quotables—which is arguably my favorite part of The Fly Guy Chronicles.

The Fly Quotes

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

There’s nothing half so sweet in life as love’s young dream. ~ Thomas Moore

Love is always bestowed as a gift – freely, willingly, and without expectation. We don’t love to be loved; we love to love. ~ Leo Buscaglia

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness. ~Bertrand Russell

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. ~Albert Einstein

If you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her above the brim with love of herself; all that runs over will be yours.  ~Charles Caleb Colton

Love creates an ‘us’ without destroying a ‘me’. ~ Leo Buscaglia

The Fly Response

Now it’s your turn. Do you have an expression of love that speaks to you? If so, feel free to share.

Word on the street is that she’s mad at you again. At this point, you probably have a better chance at degreasing Jermaine Jackson, than you do at gaining her forgiveness. So let’s try a different approach. This time around, try using music as a tool to ease your way back into her good graces. Here are five songs that may do the trick.

John Mayer- Come Back To Bed
I love John’s approach. Get them back in the bed first…then work it out. That’s my kind of strategy.

Jodeci- Stay
Nothing says I’m sorry like begging … and who does it better than Jodeci? No one. Ohhhh yeaaaaaaah!!!!

Jay-Z Song Cry
“I was just f*cking those girls, I was gonna get right back.” Now that’s sincerity in its purest form.

Earth, Wind, & Fire- Reasons
95% of all women are left defenseless when a man sings in falsetto. It’s a fact…

All 4 One- I Swear
If the sappy lyrics don’t get her back, maybe she’ll laugh so hard that she’ll forget why she was even mad to begin with.

**Now it’s your turn. In your opinion, what songs are tailor-made for reconciliation.

Last night, I aimlessly walked the streets of Amsterdam with no set destination in mind. Now, it wasn’t like I didn’t have anywhere to go … in fact, it was quite the opposite. But before I could make my scheduled dinner plans, I wanted to walk and clear my mind a bit.

So I walked … and walked … and walked some more until I arrived at this beautiful bridge standing directly across from Amsterdam’s bustling central train station. As I gazed at the canal boats directly below, the peace by which they floated down the channel instantly spoke to me in a profound way.

I immediately began to think about true love, and how it was designed by the Creator. In a world filled with incessant noise and distractions, love should be just like those boats … calm, quiet, and with a singular focus of reaching the predetermined goal (that goal being a beautiful life together.)

I stayed for a few more moments, all the while thanking God for the incomparable creation of love, as well as the ability we’ve all been given to wholeheartedly pursue it. It’s an absolutely amazing gift.

So in the spirit of that very gift, I felt it time to present another chapter in our Love Quotables series … I pray that these inspired quotes touch you in a profound way. Enjoy.

Chapter 22

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without, and know we cannot live within. ~James Baldwin

Life is brief, but love is long. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

We are shaped and fashioned by what we love. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Men always want to be a woman’s first love … women like to be a man’s last romance. ~Oscar Wilde

A true lover always feels in debt to the one he loves. ~Ralph W. Sockman

Life is a romantic business, but you have to make the romance. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Love is the great miracle cure. ~Louise Hay

We can only learn to love by loving. ~Iris Murdoch

The one thing we can never get enough is love. And the one thing we never give enough of is love. ~Henry Miller

Love Quotable Song of the Day
Robin Thicke- “U Center Me”

The Fly Lyrics-
Every fog, every rain, every thunder.
On this road, seems like it will never end.
So I stray and I wonder, I don’t want to crash again.

And you say, some things never get better,
Some roads never get right.
Sometimes people need more than what’s inside.

And I know, that you center me.
And I know, that you center me.

Then one day, I’m the life of the party.
I’m the real thing, I’m your everything.
Then I fall from the grace, from the glory.
I lose all my faith again.

And you say nothings going to be perfect.
Perfects all in your mind, and all these demons
I can’t give up this fight.

And I know, that you center me.
And I know, that you center me.
And I know, that you center me.
And I know, that you center me.

When I lose my way, when anger fills my soul.
When I get to high on myself, and when it gets too cold.
Oh I know, you’ll bring me back to life.
OH I know, you’ll make it seem alright.
Alright…Alright…

And I know, you center me.
And I know, you center me.
And I know, you center me.

**I thoroughly enjoyed reading this list, so I though I’d share it with you. Take note, and if you are currently suffering from any of these mental barriers, it’s time you let them go.

____________________

1. Let go of attachments: According to Buddhist Philosophy, attachment is one of the roots of all suffering. I can’t agree more. We attach ourselves to all sorts of things even the most self-slapping stupid notions in the universe. Are you attached to something? How much are you attached? Is it keeping you back from something? Is it making you suffer? Look at it straight through – break the illusion. Know that every attachment can be detached.

2. Let go of guilt: Guilt has absolutely no function whatsoever. Think about it – what could guilt possibly resolve? It just holds you imprisoned to self-mortification and sorrow.

3. Let go of Negative thinking: Pessimistic thoughts and negative attitudes keep you locked in a dark aura that permeates in everything you do. It’s a dangerous line to follow. Know that thoughts influence the world around us. Enough said

4. Let go of self-criticism: Many times we are our biggest pain in the neck. We criticize ourselves with the best of intentions but then go over the acceptable limit. Criticism then turns to disempowering messages. Let go of it and be kind and gentle to yourself.

5. Let go of prejudice: Prejudice keeps you bitter and resentful. It restricts your opportunities to connect meaningfully with others.

6. Let go of compulsive thinking: Do you keep on doing something just because you feel you have to do it without any apparent reason? It’s time to honestly reflect on its usefulness and its side-effects.

7. Let go of the need for others’ approval: We often tend to seek approval by others. This is an attention-seeking behaviour and one which threatens our self-confidence and authenticity.

8. Let go of limiting beliefs: Most of our limits are self-imposed. Life doesn’t have defined limits. Our beliefs do. Learn to identify those beliefs which narrow down your possibilities for action and let go of them.

9. Let go of grudges: Let me put it this way – grudges are bad for your heart. Keep them long enough or numerous enough and your health will eventually suffer. Research is showing the relationship between heart disease and emotions such as anger and grudges.

10. Let go of the “I’ll do it tomorrow” attitude: This is a delaying tactic of your subconscious saboteur trying to keep you from accomplishing important tasks. Try to be aware of it when you think it and consciously push yourself to do at least the first part of it. Naturally you will then continue the whole task because the hard part is only the beginning.

11. Let go of anxious thoughts: These are born out of our fear of the unknown and uncertainty about the future. The thought that something unpleasant may happen is only an unreal thought we have created ourselves. Ask yourself: “Is this thought based on real evidence?”

12. Let go of past heartbreaks: A heartbreak can take quite a long time to heal. Your heart is locked as your mind keeps on hovering over the same thought. The thing to realize is that in heartbreaks it is not the loss that make you suffer but the idea you create in your heads about that loss.

13. Let go of bad memories: Sometimes we remember unpleasant things that stir up some sad feelings in us. Bad memories make you relive those sad moments in the present. Keep them where they are – in the past.

14. Let go of useless things: We also attach ourselves to things of all sort. Sometimes we clutter our life with useless objects. Let go of them and simplify your working and living environment.

15. Let go of bad company: If there are people around you that are insincere, harbour envy, are highly pessimistic or disempowering, keep away from them.

16. Let go of the idea that you are a product of your past: One very common mistake we fall into is the belief that we are determined by our past experiences. This limits our view on future possibilities since we are stuck in believing that the future can only be more of the same as our past.

17. Let go of identifying yourself with your job/role: This is one of the risks of modern day life. Since roles are always becoming more specialized we think that we are part of our roles. This makes us lose perspective of our true nature.

18. Let go of counterproductive habits: These are the repetitive patterns of behavior that obstruct or distract you from constructive and productive behavior. They can be anything from watching too much TV and overeating to self-destructive behavior such as drug abuse.

19. Let go of taking things too personally: Very often we are disturbed emotionally because we interpret people’s words and actions from a very subjective perspective. When we take things personally we get irritated, hurt and disappointed. When you look at life from a more detached and objective point of view, we stay emotionally balanced and focused on our priorities.

20. Let go of the ticking clock: Time is one of our biggest sources of stress. Well, not time really but our perception of it. Sometimes we are enslaved by the concept of time even in our moments of leisure. This has devoured a lot of our genuine freedom and space. Learning to spend moments without the constant awareness of time can be liberating and finally productive.

(via)

Instead of spending an entire column on each one of the following thoughts, I figured it’d be best to compile them all into a single posting. So enjoy this edition of Rapid Fire Love, and if any of you have a fear of “stray bullets” flying your way, then I suggest you throw on a bullet proof vest before you start reading.

Bullet #1
I’m always on the road, and no matter the city, I always hear the men and the women complaining about each other. It never fails. Whether I’m in Atlanta, DC, Chicago, LA, New York, or even Oklahoma City, I’m always greeted with a familiar refrain: “The men in this city are dumb … there aren’t any good women here.”

This literally happens in every city.

So I have to ask: is the dating landscape really that bad in every American city, or have we somehow brainwashed ourselves into believing that no good men or women exist. I’m leaning towards the latter here.

I’ve always believed that your mindset goes a long way in dictating your reality. So if you keep telling yourself that there aren’t any good options in your city, then there won’t be. It’s as simple as that.

Bullet #2
I was recently asked by someone that I was dating if I wanted her to call me Daddy. I immediately replied no, as I’ve never been interested in dating someone who also wants to double as my kid. Now don’t get me wrong; when we’re together, I’ll do all that I can to ensure your happiness. But even that comes with stipulations, with the main one being your ability to take care of yourself if needed. To me, there’s nothing more unattractive than a woman that expects you to take care of her because she’s too lazy to do it herself.

Bullet #3
I’ve always wondered why guys have such a hard time picking up on the fact that a woman isn’t interested in them. I mean, women struggle with this too, but I almost feel like some men literally believe that it’s impossible for a woman not to be attracted to them.

This misguided belief can be so ingrained in their heads that they often overlook one of the biggest “I’m not feeling you” signs that women throw out there. It happens all the time in text messages and emails, and goes a little something like this:

Him: “Hey, I was just thinking about you and wanted to check up on you.”

Her: “Hey friend! I’m good. How are you?”

Did you catch that? When a woman isn’t interested in a guy romantically, she’ll be quick to throw out phrases like “friend, buddy, homie” just to subtly let him know that he doesn’t stand a chance. For whatever reason, guys always seem to overlook that one very obvious clue.
_________________

So those are my thoughts for the day. If you have your own rapid fire thoughts, now would be the appropriate time to share them.

I recently hung out with actor/comedian Marlon Wayans in Los Angeles, as we worked to produce a cover shoot for Rolling Out Magazine (visit here). Towards the end of our time, we got a chance to jump into my favorite topic, love and relationships. Check out Marlon as he shares his perspective on a litany of topics that range from his first date, to a man’s strategy for winning a woman’s heart. Enjoy.

I can vividly remember the acute nausea as it churned at the pit of my stomach. Was this the after effects of that macaroni surprise I cooked earlier? Or maybe this was just my body’s way of telling me that it didn’t appreciate the almost 3 minutes of “Real Chance of Love” I subjected it to while looking for the remote control. Wait, who am I kidding …

I knew exactly where that sickening feeling was coming from. Earlier that day, my longtime girlfriend decided that ‘she no longer wanted to work towards a long-term life with me.’ (Of course she said this right after I paid for lunch—talk about heartless.)

“So what does that mean,” I naively asked, secretly wondering if I could get a refund on her portion of the bill.

“I don’t want to be with you anymore,” she flatly replied. “I want out of this relationship.”

So she left.

The days and weeks immediately following our breakup left me with a wealth of emotions—some bad, some indifferent. Despite the emotional peaks and valleys, one prevailing feeling never seemed to leave me. I needed to know why.

Why did she leave me?

Why can’t she love me like she used to?

And on and on it went.

But then one day as I was talking to my grandmother, she shared something that would forever reshape my worldview of love and relationships.

“Stop rocking back in that chair before you mess up the legs on it,” she fumed before getting to the point. “If you want to rock back and forth in a chair, then do it at your own house.” After carrying on for another 5 minutes about how she’s had those same chairs for the past 36 years, and how she was not going to let me mess them up, she then provided the advice I was looking for.

“When someone leaves you, the worst thing you can do is ask yourself why,” she began. “Because as soon as you know the answer to that question, you’ll just replace that question with another one—and no one should have that much power over you. At some point, you have to let go, and realize that you can’t make someone want to be with you. Either they do, or they don’t. Now if they do, then great; but if they don’t, then move on and believe that God has something better for you.”

“Wow, thanks Grandma,” I sincerely offered.

“Mmmm hmmm,” she muttered under her breath. “Just don’t be rocking back on my chairs anymore.”

“Yes ma’am.”

In many ways, my grandmother’s advice applies to many of the relationship problems that we face today. Instead of wasting away wondering why someone doesn’t want to be in our lives, many of us would be better served by simply focusing on the people that do want to be in our lives.

It’s a simple practice in theory, but oftentimes, those prove to be the hardest to implement—especially when your heart is involved. So today, let’s move one step closer to adopting that type of mindset as we work to improve the over health of our relationships in 2009 and beyond. Deal?

Now it’s time for you to answer The Fly Question of the Day.

Have you ever spent entirely too much time asking why directly following a bad breakup? Tell me about it, and what you did to finally get over it.

“I can’t take it any more.”

That’s usually the last thought that runs through someone’s mind right before they decide to officially end a relationship. But what ultimately drives a person to this point? While each situation is unique in its own right, there are common factors that can force us all to throw in the towel. Many of those reasons are found here in my “Top Ten Reasons To End Your Relationship.”

1. Falling Out Of Love
In many ways, your relationship mirrors the career of Arsenio Hall. Both started off very promising, only to fizzle out into nothing more than unfulfilled potential. You were once so in love, but now the thrill is definitely gone. There could be countless factors that contributed to you falling out of love, but all of that is now irrelevant … it’s time to say goodbye.

2. R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

During the early stages of your relationship, the two of you were equal partners. But as time progressed, their level of respect for the relationship and your feelings declined. What’s the point of being in a relationship if they aren’t going to respect you?

I’ll let you answer that.

3. You Just Want To Be Free
We have all experienced occasional bouts of cabin fever where we just want to get out and be free. Hey, it happens to the best of us. As long as you’re open and honest about why you’re ending the relationship, then I have absolutely no problem with you making this declaration of independence.

4. Funny Money
You once said that you would never allow finances to get in the way of true love. But that was before you realized that your significant other manages money about as well as the “Real Housewives of Atlanta.” If you don’t want to spend the rest of your life being slowly killed by the stress of financial insecurity, then you may want to get out while you can.

5. No Communication
Good communication serves as the cornerstone of any successful relationship. So the fact that the two of you don’t talk to each other very much doesn’t bode well for the long term success of your union. In fact, R. Kelly probably has a better chance at being elected PTA president than you have at being truly happy in a relationship where the communication is non-existent.

6. Spiritual Direction
The importance of connecting on a spiritual level can never be undervalued. In my experience, it’s an absolute must. Now I’m sure there are many cases of people that are able to coexist in a relationship while being on completely different spiritual wavelengths … I just wouldn’t advise it.

7. Substance Abuse
It’s hard to imagine the love of your life succumbing to some form of addiction. And while your first move should always be to support them in their time of need, there’s only so much a person can take. This all reminds me of when Jermaine Jackson’s wife Hazel divorced him after 14 years of marriage. Maybe she couldn’t deal with his ongoing addiction to hair grease. Who knows? The bottom line is only you know what you can bear.

8. You’ve Been Abused
No one deserves to be abused. Whether it’s physical, mental or emotional, your significant other has no right to subject you to any form of abuse. Period.

9. Meet My Needs
Once upon a time, all of your needs were being met in this relationship. Your mind, body, and soul were all equally stimulated, and you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been so happy. Those were the days. Now it feels like Kanye West and the paparazzi have more chemistry than the two of you. That can’t be a good feeling.

10. Can’t Shake The Past
Some things from the past aren’t easy to overcome; whether it’s abandonment issues, a broken heart, or you still being hung up on a former love. Whatever the case may be, if the issue goes unresolved, then it’s sure to negatively impact your current relationship.

Sometimes it’s better to just walk away until you’re able to fully get over the past. (That’s probably why Halle Berry and I didn’t work out. I just couldn’t get over how bad the movie Catwoman was. It eventually tore us apart.)

The Fly Guy Moral:
Now that you’ve been given the facts, it’s time to ask yourself the following question: “Does any of this sound like my current situation?” If so, then it may be time to make a change.

I’d never try to break up a happy home, but if today’s column forced you to take a long, hard look at your current situation, then were you really happy to begin with?

Think about it…

I had a dream last night. In it, I possessed something that for so long had been absent from my interactions with you…Courage. I had the courage to finally walk away; the courage to express that I’m no longer happy; and the courage to tell myself that I’m better off without you.

As I lay in bed, mentally reliving the strength I displayed, I began to realize that maybe I would be better off without you. I mean let’s face it, things between us haven’t been right for quite some time. And while I constantly fight to improve things between us, you just continue to go through the motions…

I deserve better.

You know, it’s ironic that it took a dream to finally wake me up. But the fact still remains that I do deserve better; I deserve someone who is going to cherish me as much as I adore them; and someone who is willing to lay it all on the line to preserve and nurture a love that we both believe in.

Sadly, that person is no longer you.

What’s even more unfortunate is that I’ve known that for quite some time. I was just too scared to walk away…too fearful of the unknown. But not anymore. Today, I’m reclaiming my life, and more importantly my happiness. You may not see it now, but you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.

The Fly Realization: I can’t escape the feeling that there’s someone currently reading this who’s been searching for the courage to say those very words. Listen; you don’t have to stay in a situation where you’re not appreciated. You deserve better. I really believe that…but you have to believe it first.

Click below to listen to RL’s “Miss Me When I’m Gone”

The Lyrics:
Today I wrote a letter, jotted down how I feel
And I regret to inform you I no longer can conceal
The fact that my soul hungers for something much more real
I gave you all of me, and you held back still

You’re gonna regret the way that you treated me
Realize that what you need is in me
Wish you could take it all away
But it’s too late

Chorus:
You’re gonna miss me
You’re gonna miss me
You’re gonna miss me
When I’m gone

It hurts like hell for me to walk away
But I can’t stay when you treat me the way
That you do, and I keep loving you
No matter what I do it’s never enough
But you’re gonna miss my love

You’re gonna regret the way that you treated me
Realize that what you need is in me
Wish you could take it all away
But it’s too late

Chorus

One day you’re gonna wake up and see
That everything you needed is in me
Then you’ll reminisce on all those good times
Then you’ll finally realize, that I should be in your life

Pop quiz: “What’s the correct way to ask a woman out on a date?”

Now the average man has been approaching women since around age 12 (and some of us much earlier), but there still seems to be a lack of clear understanding on the proper way to ask a woman out. So instead of idly standing by as this disturbing pattern continues, I’ve decided to share 5 Essential Keys To Asking A Woman Out.

Disclaimer: Your chances of success improve dramatically under the following conditions.

a.) She’s available.

b.) She’s at least mildly interested in you.

c.) You’re presentable (fresh breath, washed faced, brushed hair, ironed clothes … should I continue?)

**If not, then let’s begin…

1. Get To The Point

There’s no bigger turnoff than a man who beats around the bush. If asking her out is your objective, then make that known up front. The more time you waste working up the nerve to ask her out, the more likely it becomes that she’ll say no. So keep it short, sweet, and to the point.

2. Don’t Pass The Buck.

Avoid passing the buck at all costs. A great example of this occurs when a guy says to the woman, “I have a pretty flexible schedule. Just hit me up and let me know when you want to get together.”

Wrong move.

In fact, you’d probably have a better chance convincing me that Jermaine Jackson’s hair is naturally silky, than you would at getting a woman to call you with such a bad approach. It’s your job to take the initiative when scheduling the date. So come equipped with the who, what, when, where and why.

3. Originality Is The Key.

Presenting a unique date idea is critical. The typical dinner and movie suggestions are cool, but do nothing to separate yourself from the rest of the pack. Honestly speaking, the average woman gets asked out by at least 3-4 men on any given day—from the UPS man, to her married coworker, to the guy that sells bootleg DVDs in the parking lot—so understand that she gets her fair share of offers. That’s why it’s important that you think outside of the box, and entice her with a creative date idea.

4. Relax

If you’re nervous when asking her out, she can tell. So practice keeping your cool. If she says yes, then your expression should suggest that you expected that outcome all along. Even if she says no, you should still remain composed.

My suggestion: Watch plenty of Barack Obama footage, since he’s the new spokesperson for all things cool.

5. Make Sure That She Knows It’s A Date.

There’s nothing worse than going out on a “I think it is, but I’m not sure” type of date. This occurs when the man doesn’t make it clear up front why they’re getting together. That makes things uncomfortable at the end of the night when she hi-fives him, and suggests they should become great buddies.

We can’t let that happen to you.

So make your intentions known up front to avoid banishment to the friend zone.

The Fly Conclusion:

For the Men: Now that I’ve given you the essential tips, it’s time to hear from you. What has worked for you in the past when asking a woman out? On the flip side, what were some of the things that failed worse than Beyonce’s attempts at dramatic acting? Let me know.

For the Women: I’d also like to hear from you. Our greatest asset as men attempting to grow in our understanding of the female species is our ability to get constructive feedback from you. With that understanding in mind, how do you like to be approached?