Can the differences between you and your loved one actually help or hurt your relationship? Now before you answer, I’m not talking about trivial differences like, “she likes Italian food, and I like Mexican.” No; I’m referring to the major differences that define the true makeup of a person.

Well the concept in itself is fascinating to me, so when I ran across this feature in Men’s Health, I had to share it. Check it out, and as always, let me know your thoughts.

_________________________________

Diversity can make a couple dynamic. But opposites may not always attract forever.

“What matters is how they actively deal with their emotional response to the differences,” says psychologist Alan Fruzzetti, Ph.D., author of The High-Conflict Couple.

Neutralize these potential problems now to ensure a long and happy future together.

You’re Jewish, She’s Catholic

Cause for concern: 3.5 out of 5
You’re both faithful; that’s a big connection. A study of 50 married couples found the same level of intimacy with interfaith and same-religion couples. The mixed couples just took care to understand and respect each other’s religion.

Ask her this: “So, then, baptism or bris?”

Make plans now to avoid a future holy war, says Susan Campbell, Ph.D., the author of Saying What’s Real.

You’re GOP, She’s a Donkey

Cause for concern: 1 out of 5
“Approach political discussions with an attitude of curiosity about what makes her tick, rather than attempting to change her mind,” says Lee Raffel, M.S.W., the author of I Hate Conflict! Spouses influence each other and develop similar political attitudes as their marriage progresses according to University of California researchers.

Ask her this: “Want to go Lincoln-Douglas style?”

Debate is good for your health. Couples who suppressed their anger the most were twice as likely to die during a 17-year study as more expressive couples.

She Racks Up Debt, You Save

Cause for concern: 5 out of 5
Financial issues are among the leading causes of divorce (22 percent said money was a factor), second only to abuse, in a 2007 poll. “When there’s no meeting of the minds about money, there’s no trust,” says Raffel. As the saver, you’ll feel burdened and betrayed, which can translate to suspicion and hypervigilance. Then she’ll become defiant or dishonest. Cue vicious cycle.

Ask her this: “Mind if I sneak a peek at your financials, baby?”

If you’re talking rug rats, exchange credit reports and bank statements to find your dual financial footing. That could scare her straight or calm you down. Not at audit-ready intimacy? Learn her fiscal policy by asking how she’s handling her 401(k) in this stormy economy.

She Wants a Clan, You Want 2 Kids

Cause for concern: 4 out of 5
“Motherhood is a critical, key role that’s sometimes an aspect of a woman’s identity,” says Elizabeth Saenger, Ph.D., a psychologist based in New York City. “If she’s not able to have that, she may feel incomplete.” But if the brood’s too big for you, resentment may flare.

Ask her this: “Would you settle for two kids and a regular Yahtzee night?”

Understand why she wants a large family (e.g., she came from one) and why you prefer it smaller (e.g., financial worry), then look for options that may satisfy you both, such as adopting her family traditions or starting a smart savings plan.

She’s a Neat Freak, You’re a Slob

Cause for concern: 2 out of 5
She doesn’t want to nag. Really. “Have her make a list of the messes that irk her most,” says Raffel. “Then see to it that they’re taken care of.” Perform daily acts of spontaneous tidiness to please her. Even small sacrifices may mean more to women when they’re born of sincerity, say the authors of a 2007 study.

Ask her this: “Can we bring another woman home?”

If you’re married or spend more than 4 nights a week together, spring for a cleaning service. A man creates 7 additional hours of housework a week for his wife, according to University of Michigan researchers.

(Source)

__________________________

So what are your thoughts? Can real differences make or break a relationship?

Talk to me.

I don’t dig into my own personal journal as much as I probably should, but today will be a much needed exception. I hope you guys can relate.

For a long time, I was a con artist. But it had nothing to do with me deceiving my loved ones or even preying on unsuspecting strangers. Instead, it was a classic case of me pulling the wool over my own eyes. That’s right, I was conning myself. The nature of the con was brilliant too. I had effectively convinced myself that when it came to relationships, I could do no wrong. So anytime there was trouble in paradise, it was automatically her fault.

If we were arguing, then it must have been her doing.

If the spark was gone, then she must have let herself go.

If one of us was contemplating cheating or leaving, then she obviously needed to get her act together.

And on and on it went. As for my own role, well I starred as the blameless boyfriend. And I played it to perfection. But one day, I experienced a life altering occurrence (another story for another day), which forced me to take a long, hard look in the mirror. I didn’t like what I saw. That blameless boyfriend was completely covered in scars and other unsightly blemishes.

So you mean it wasn’t ALWAYS her fault?

And are you trying to tell me that I contributed to some of the relationship problems that I had experienced in the past?

Believe me, it was a hard pill to swallow. But once I grasped the idea that we are all imperfect beings striving to coexist with another imperfect being, then the spell of the con artist (myself) was finally lifted, leaving me better equipped to navigate the choppy relationship waters of life. You see, it’s not always about who is right or wrong. Instead, it’s about who is humble enough to stand tall and admit where their own faults lie. It’s also about who is willing to meet the other person halfway, and work through the minor issues that are brought about when two DIFFERENT people try to live life as one. I learned that lesson. And I’m a better man today because of it.

My point for sharing this is that I know I’m not alone. In fact, there maybe someone reading this right now that is still allowing the con artist within to feed them this false sense of perfection. It’s time to break the spell … right here, and right now. Once you’re able to face your own shortcomings, it will allow you to not only improve yourself, but to also improve the overall health and wellness of your present and future relationships.

Are you with me?

The walls were closing in on me last night as I diligently worked to finish my relationship manifesto (trust me people; this will be a must-read when it arrives in bookstores.) So with no desire to spend the rest of my night battling severe bouts of claustrophobia, I headed out at 2 a.m. to meet a friend who was still out partying with a few of her girlfriends. As I pulled up to the club, I noticed two things before making it inside. My first observation was a huge influx of beautiful women still making their way into the club. This was followed by the realization that an even larger contingent of men—who either wouldn’t or couldn’t pay to get in—were all standing outside trying to hit on any and everything in heels.

That’s right. They were using the old “baby, I can’t pay to get in, but I’m going to use that $20 to take you to Waffle House later” line … works every time. But there was one exchange in particular that I had to share with you, as it still has me scratching my head. It went down like this:

(Fly Disclaimer: The following dialogue is a verbatim exchange. If I’m exaggerating at all, may I wake up tomorrow morning with Bobby Brown’s bottom lip.)

Him: “Hey girl, you know you in trouble right?”

Her: “Why am I in trouble?”

Him: “Cuz you ain’t brought yo fine ass over here to talk to me. Come here right now and holla at a nigga.”

Her: **blank stare**

A couple of things came to mind as this scene unfolded before me. The first, of course being, “stop staring at him … he knows he looks like a complete jackass, so there’s no sense in adding insult to his moral injury.” But as I avoided eye contact by looking up into the clear night sky, a shuddering thought overcame me ….

Maybe he isn’t embarrassed.
Maybe he thinks that’s how he’s supposed to approach women.

If that’s the case, then I have my work cut out for me. I mean, there has to be some way to counteract such illogical approaches like this, right? God I hope so.

Well, as I work to construct a course syllabus aimed at rehabilitating the black sheep of my gender, let me first start by giving them—and anyone else that’s interested—some food for thought. So wash this down with some water, and refrain from any physical activities for at least 45 minutes while it digests.

Fly Food For Thought: Women appreciate masculinity in a man … they just don’t want it to spill into the way you address them (In other words, she doesn’t want you talking to her like she’s a dude.) So dial back the aggression on the approach. There will be other opportunities to show just how manly you are.

I apologize for being M.I.A. the past two days, but I’m officially back. Sometimes when I’m on the road, it gets hard to really sit down and connect with you in a meaningful way. So instead of half-heartedly throwing something out there, I’d rather just wait until I can give you all of my attention. With that being said, I’m back to updating the site 3 times a day. Which means, you need to keep coming back so we can continue to elevate our perspective on love and relationships.

Today, I wanted to begin by sharing my morning inspiration. When I read it, I began to think about the times in my life when chaos seemed to surround me. I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through, but somehow, someway it always seemed to work out. Today’s gift is to instill that same kind of faith within you. Someone is currently stuck in a bad relationship where there seems to be no resolution in sight. I want you to pray for the wisdom to make the best decisions that will move you out of that situation, and into something more positive. Enjoy your day.

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns — April 16, 2009:

Beloved, I see and know the things that have brought about a period of stress and uncertainty. And, I tell you that the light will dawn, and you will have greater revelation that will bring resolution to difficult situations. I will give you wisdom and direction that will release you from restrictions that have been difficult to cope with. Confining circumstances will give way to defining moments as you move with the wind of My Spirit. Changes will develop that will bring a sense of release and freedom, says the Lord.

John 3:8 “The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit.”

There seems to be this undeniable chemistry between us, but I can’t help but feel like we’re stuck in a holding pattern. The more I open up to the possibility of a relationship with you, the more you pull back and cower in the face of this potentially blossoming love. I just don’t understand why you continue to hold back. How long will you allow the past to negatively impact your present and future? I mean, I’m down to wait until you figure things out, but even the most patient of men have their limits … and I certainly have mine.

I’m just being honest.

A Fly Question: Have you ever caught yourself holding back because you were still dealing with the fallout from a previous relationship? How did you overcome the situation … or did you?

Check out Marques Houston’s “Hold N Back” featuring Mya and Shawna, today’s Fly Lyrics selection.

Dear Fly Guy,

Mr. Determined

Dear Mr. Determined,

Normally I’m a big fan of believing in something and pursuing it until the dream is realized. However, this isn’t one of those occasions. Let me put it to you bluntly. This woman has no shown no tangible proof that she wants to be with you. So stop chasing her.

Fly Sidebar: A woman wanting to talk to you all of the time doesn’t mean that she “really likes” you … it just doesn’t.

All signs instead point to her wanting to be your close friend … but that’s about it. It’s sad to say, but you are officially trapped in the friend zone. Listen; you come across as a guy who sincerely wants to love and be loved. And there are thousands of single women waiting for a man just like you. Why don’t you pursue one of them instead?

To me, that would be the more productive course of action. Don’t you agree?

The Fly Guy

(Note: I finally touched back down in Atlanta after some time in Los Angeles, and figured there was no time like the present to answer some letters from my mailbag.)

Dear Fly Guy,

Tired Of Games

Dear Tired of Games,

First, let me start by saying that I’m sorry. Why? Well for starters, I’m sorry that you found yourself involved with a coward. At the end of the day that’s all he is. There’s no other way to describe someone who’s afraid to admit that he’s met someone else. To me, that’s the only logical explanation for his sudden change in behavior. You’re obviously better off without him, as he wasn’t as invested in the relationship as you initially thought.

On another note, I’m also sorry that he has seemingly tainted your perception of men. We don’t all play games, and there actually are some good men still out here like myself, Morgan Freeman, and that one black dude from Color Me Badd. Oftentimes, it’s just hard to spot the good ones, as the bad ones have a tendency to impair your vision and cloud your eyes with cynicism. In time, it’s my hope that you can clear your mind of his cowardly act, and move forward with the full confidence of knowing that a good man is on the way. Good luck.

The Fly Guy
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Fly Guy

Losing Hope

Dear Losing Hope,

I pray this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but it sounds to me like you could use a boost in the self esteem department. My reasoning behind such an assertion was the tone of your letter. You seem to be unhappy with yourself, and as a result, you blame yourself for your current dating situation. While I’m sure there are areas in your life that you can improve upon, having such a negative outlook will never breed positive results. So before you do anything else, you need to work to rediscover what makes you special, and use that to begin the process of falling in love with you all over again. Over time, you’ll find that men will want to love you in the same way that you love yourself.

You see, self doubt (which is what you exhibited in your letter) is something that can be easily read and preyed upon. A lesser man can spot that you’re having doubts about yourself, and use that to his advantage. So don’t continue to torture yourself about everything that’s not right with you. At the end of the day, we’re all flawed and fall very short of perfection’s mark. So keep pushing forward, continue to love yourself, and remember that you are unique and beautiful in your own way. The rest will eventually fall into place. But you have to believe that first. Stay in touch.

The Fly Guy
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Fly Guy

So Confused,
Casual Girl

Dear Casual Girl,

Upon reading your letter, I began to hum the old Negro spiritual, “Slow down … I just want to get to know you.” You see, while the other slaves were singing for their freedom, Bobby Valentino instead longed for the everlasting bond of love—a concept that’s obviously far from your mind at this point in time. Fortunately or unfortunately for you (depending upon how you look at it,) it’s easy to find men that are willing to concede to your “sex and nothing else” demands.

However, this current guy that you’re dealing with is not one of them. He wants a relationship with you. Period. Your behavior with him suggests that you want a relationship too … whether you’re ready to admit it or not. My advice for you in the interim is simple enough: Be careful what you wish for. Your desire for strictly sexual relationships will eventually catch up with you. If you continue at this torrid sexual pace, I can’t promise that any man will ever take you seriously when you are ready to settle down. That’s just how we’re built. So if you continue to live your life as is, be aware of the dangers that may lie ahead. Be safe, and please use protection.

The Fly Guy

**By Alon Gratch, PhD
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Every chick knows how hard it is when she puts in serious time with a guy who refuses to commit … until he moves on to his next girlfriend, and then suddenly, he’s springing for a rock. Women assume that a guy will pop the question once he finds someone he’s compatible with, i.e., The One. But that’s not enough to push him over the edge, according to clinical psychologist Alon Gratch, Ph.D., author of If Men Could Talk. What, then, does it take?

“Being ready,” says Gratch. “In my 25 years of experience working with men as a relationship therapist, it’s 49 percent the right woman, 51 percent his readiness to commit.” That means that compatibility is hugely important. But if he’s not in a marriage mind-set yet, he’s not going to commit to anyone … not even Gisele.
In fact, 81 percent of the married men surveyed by the National Marriage Project said one reason they decided to wed was because it was the right time to settle down.

“Of course, even if a guy is ready to walk down the aisle, he still needs to find the right person,” says Gratch. “But he is more likely to meet her once he’s in that marrying state of mind.” To help us figure it all out, we asked Gratch to explain. Here, he divulges the five factors that make a man want to take the plunge.

COMMITMENT FACTOR #1
The Capacity to Love

No matter how head-over-heels your guy is during the initial honeymoon period of the relationship, it doesn’t mean he is ready to commit. A man might fall in love, which requires the capacity to idealize. That means thinking and feeling like his partner and the relationship are uniquely special, enabling him to ignore imperfections, which, in turn, makes him feel valued and special.

Loving, on the other hand, involves connecting with the other person, understanding her, and wanting to be with her for who she is, not who he’d like her to be.

While it might be difficult to decipher the difference between the two, one clue is the test of time. Falling in love happens early on in a relationship, when a couple barely knows each other. Once they become more intimate and learn more about each other’s positive and negative traits and the initial love buzz is gone, a man who is only in love will lose interest. If he truly loves, he’ll stay.

Another major telltale sign of real love is selflessness and the ability to care. Does your man make sacrifices for you? Is he able to put your wants and needs before his? Relationships are all about give and take, but love is more about giving.

COMMITMENT FACTOR #2
Being Able to Accept Imperfection

Intellectually, we all know that there are no perfect people and, therefore, no perfect relationships. But it often takes maturity and dating experience to actually believe it.

Take a client of mine, who broke up with a wonderful woman simply because he thought he could do better. A year later, he met someone else, who was also great but far from perfect. After two years of dating, he decided to propose. If he had met her a few years earlier, he would have broken up with her too. But now, he realizes that this is as good as it gets, though it took him several relationships to finally understand that.

Having unrealistic expectations makes it impossible for a man to develop a close bond. If a guy who isn’t ready starts getting too close to a woman, he’ll look for imperfections, either consciously or subconsciously, to create distance between them and, ultimately, to give him a reason to break up with her.

COMMITMENT FACTOR #3
He Truly Believes in Commitment

Even if a man tells you that he’s in it for the long term, you won’t really know the level of his staying power until you hit some rough patches. If he’s not ready, he won’t be able to handle the negative aspects of a relationship, and he’ll either shut down — and shut you out — or bail. A man who is truly ready to bond will be willing to work with you to try to resolve whatever problems the two of you are having.

This doesn’t mean that he’ll never experience any doubts or even think about leaving. But at the end of the day, he’ll realize that his relationship is a top priority, and whatever discomfort he might have to endure to work out the kinks is worth it. It’s a trade-off he’s willing to make.

COMMITMENT FACTOR #4
He’s Sure He Can Be the Man

Even though stereotypical gender roles have loosened up and many men are no longer required to be the breadwinners, a lot of guys still worry, deep down, that they should be … and a lot of women still expect it. So if a guy feels that he can’t live up to his — or his partner’s — expectations, he might put off getting seriously involved to avoid feeling like he’s not capable. It’s a way for him to protect his ego.

According to the National Marriage Project, 47 percent of men agree that they wouldn’t want to get married until they could afford to own a home, and 40 percent would want to be able to afford a nice wedding.

But it’s not just the money — or lack thereof — that will cause a guy to shy away from commitment. If a guy is putting all of his time and energy into pursuing a goal, whether it’s climbing the corporate ladder or working toward finishing medical school, he just won’t have anything left to give to a partner, both physically and emotionally. So he puts romance on the back burner.

Now that’s not to say he will never want to pop the question. If your man is floundering careerwise or struggling to make ends meet, it might be in your interest to bide your time and wait for him to become ready. Of course, it depends on the dynamic between the two of you. But if he seems fully engaged in the relationship, clearly states that he wants to get married after he accomplishes whatever goal he has been working on, and his time frame is reasonable, your patience could eventually pay off.

COMMITMENT FACTOR #5
He’s Tired of Playing Around

While there’s no specific age at which men are ready to marry (nor do they all mature at the same rate), after a while, going from one superficial relationship to another begins to lose its allure, and they crave a deeper kind of bond with someone.

This more intimate mind-set may be expedited if all the guy’s friends are starting to settle down. For one thing, it becomes harder for him to find buddies to party with. But more important, with everyone around him getting more serious about their relationships, he’s more likely to reflect on what he wants in life. Though bachelorhood can be fun and exciting, it’s often emotionally unfulfilling. And ultimately, at some point, most men want to have that soul-mate connection.

The Art of the Ultimatum
Three times when it might pay to nudge him a bit

He Has a Legit Excuse

If you really think the two of you click but he’s stalling because he’s temporarily focused on something else, like finishing grad school, give him a firm deadline (e.g., till he reaches his goal).

He Needs to Rethink His Priorities

Say he’s a jock and you hate sports, but he wishes you had that in common. Is it so important to him that he’s willing to risk losing you? (Note: If the answer is yes, you don’t want him anyway.)

He’s Chronically Indecisive

Some guys are reluctant because they can’t make a decision. He’s not afraid of committing to you; he’s just afraid of committing. If that sounds like your man, he might need prodding to get off the proverbial fence. Just tell him that you want him to be in your life, but if he can’t make a decision in the next couple of months, you’ll have to move on. Warning: If you issue an ultimatum, you’d better be prepared to stick to it.

**Any Thoughts?

[source]

A close friend was recently faced with a dating disaster. In fact, when he told me the story, it was probably one of the few times in my life where I actually found myself speechless. Well after I gave him my advice, I decided to hit up my good friend Jenee of J Space to get the female perspective on the situation. So click on the link below, and listen to the latest edition of Straight Talk with the Fly Guy. I’d love to hear your thoughts on what went down.

Listen To Pregnant And On The Prowl

So I recently went on this date, and things were pretty cool. She was beautiful, smart, funny; basically all of the things you’d initially hope for when getting to know someone. As the evening progressed, things kind of went south … but admittedly, it was my fault. Check out what happened, and learn this valuable Fly Guy dating tip, so it never happens to you.