Can I ask you a personal question? Don’t worry, your answer will be kept between you, me, and whoever else decides to read this:

Have you ever been cheated on before?

Well judging from the letters and emails that I receive daily, it sure seems that way. And while the large majority of our correspondence focuses on ways to detect infidelity, dealing with an unfaithful lover encompasses more than just being able to detect the signs of a cheater. So with that being said, let’s unveil my Nine Step Guide For Handling a Cheater.

Step 1: Check your source.
Before you begin making wild accusations, ask yourself this: Where are your suspicions coming from? Did they originate from your Grandma Ola Mae’s dream book? (“Baby, I dreamed about peas and creamed corn last night, so that must mean Bobby is cheating on you.”) If that’s your only source, then try to find more reliable information.

Step 2: Make sure it’s not you.
Could it be that your mind is playing tricks on you? If you have a history of being an overly jealous lover, then make sure you are not prematurely jumping to conclusions.

(Listen, everyone knows about the incident at church when you accused your girlfriend of being unfaithful shortly after she took communion. From what I hear, you claimed she disrespected you by eating the body and drinking the blood of another man. So sad.)

Step 3: Something’s Fishy.
You have this nauseating feeling resting at the pit of your stomach. Every bone in your body can sense the air of uncertainty surrounding your relationship. When it gets this bad, trust your instincts and find the underlying cause of your feelings.

Step 4: Seeing is believing.
It’s one thing to have a sneaking suspicion. It’s an entirely different ballgame when you actually catch your lover knee-deep in someone else. Now is the time for some decisive action.

Step 5: Take safety precautions.
If the infidelity is certain, then you have to begin thinking about your physical and mental health. In both of those areas, it’s medically unsafe to be involved with someone who’s being sexually irresponsible. After all, who wants to be stressed out while simultaneously running the risk of contracting some new strain of Sexual Ebola?

Step 6: Step out of the situation.
If you can’t give yourself unbiased advice, then step out of the situation. Think about what you told your girl Patrice when she found out about Andre’s secret love affair. In the end, you may find it easier to approach your situation by picturing someone else in it.

Step 7: Talk it out.
You have to approach your fears, and confront your significant other with the cold hard facts. Discuss your feelings, and let them know that you haven’t been this hurt since they abruptly replaced Aunt Viv on the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”

Step 8: Open your ears.
Simply put, you need to listen. That’s the key to step 8. Hear them out, and get their side of the story—even if you know that they are full of it.

Step 9: Decision time.
This step separates the men from the boys and the women from Rosie O’Donnell. You have to inform them of your intentions. Will you stay? Will you go? This is the time to make that known. Once that decision is made, there’s no turning back.

Any questions?

To speak directly to the Fly Guy with any questions, email him at flyguychronicles@gmail.com

Let me just come right out and say that my every intention is to please you physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and any other word ending in “ly” that may apply. And while I know you secretly enjoy hearing me say things like this, I’m officially done with all of the talking. From this moment on, words are no longer enough.

So if there are any lingering doubts about the sincerity of my commitment to you, then allow my actions to do the talking from now on.

There is one final thing that I did want to say to you though…

I love you … that’s just the way it is.

I need you … like food, water and air, you are essential to my existence.

I often miss you … when you’re away from me, I can still see, touch, taste and smell you in my dreams.

Those words should serve as announcement to the world that I’m fully committed to you, and willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to make things work between us. So now that I’ve explained to you the countless reasons that I love you, can you please do me a favor? ………..

Will you forgive me for farting in the bed last night? I honestly forgot that you sleep with your mouth open.

That’s all I wanted to say…

I recently wrote a letter to my local weatherman that went a little something like this:
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Local Weather Guy,

The Fly Guy
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now some of you may be a bit confused by the harsh tone that was directed towards him in my letter. Well allow me to explain. I’m not sure how it feels in your city, but where I live, it’s been summertime for quite a while now. Yet, there he is on my television every day telling me that summer is right around the corner. Well I say, bulls*%#@ Mr. Weatherman … it’s already here.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten past my issue with him, it’s time for me to share my Fly Guy dating tip for this weekend. Since the weather has warmed up, you should also see a dramatic increase in your city’s nightlife activity –which means more opportunities to meet potential mates. So as you prepare to make this a night to remember, never forget the following tip:

Don’t stare.

I mean sure, it’s cool to occasionally catch eyes with someone from across a crowded club. But at some point you have to do one of two things: Either make a move, and approach her; or realize that you may be a coward. If you settle on the latter, then you need to immediately leave the club, and log onto either craigslist or ebay. Now I’m not entirely sure, but you may be able to find a heart or some courage on one of those sites. Either way, you should never …and I mean never (this is the part where I REALLY stress my point) … ever ever ever, continue to stare at a woman without ever speaking. For one, it’s just creepy. Women have to worry about enough when they go out, and strange dudes staring at them from across the room shouldn’t be added to their list. Besides, if you do finally gain the courage to walk up and introduce yourself, she would have already labeled as crazy, since she could feel you staring at her as intently as that time Christina Milian was staring at the record contract I left sitting on my coffee table. (I think she really wants one of those.)

So fellas, I want you to enjoy yourself this weekend. But remember: Don’t Stare. You’ll thank me later.

The doors of the church are now open.

Dear Fly Guy,

Thanks,
Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed and Confused,

First of all, let me say that I’m sorry you had to endure the experience of your proposal being turned down. Asking someone to marry you takes a lot of courage, so I can only imagine the wide range of emotions that you are currently experiencing. However, her answer may be just what you needed to finally turn the page, and start a new chapter in your life. By saying no, she sent a clear cut signal that even after six years, she still isn’t convinced that you are the one for her. Before I offer my perspective, I’d like for you to answer the following questions:

Did it take six years to discover the truth about Milli Vanilli? No.

Did it take six years to determine that George Bush was a really bad president? Hell No.

What I’m trying to say is this: Six years is more than enough time to size a person up, and make your determinations about them. So stop allowing her to string you along in a relationship that is obviously not going to progress past this point. If you do, then you’ll probably be writing me five years from now, telling me how she still won’t marry you after ELEVEN years. If marriage is what you want, then she may not be the one for you. It may be time to make a change. I hope this helps.

The Fly Guy

It’s time for me to clear the air. There seems to be this misconception, which suggests that men have lower standards when it comes to choosing a mate.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

In fact, men are a lot pickier than we lead you to believe. In an effort to prove this point, I’ve decided to share “Six Types of Women That All Men Hate.” Make sure you pay close attention to these women. And if it sounds like I’m describing you, then that may explain why your last boyfriend told you he was going to church and never came back.

1. Ms. “Stick In The Mud”
This woman never seems to have any fun…ever. In all honesty, it seems like her idea of a good time is a quiet evening at home reading the encyclopedia while eating a Lean Cuisine. On top of that, she doesn’t know how to give or take a joke, since she takes herself way too seriously. Will you relax…please?

2. Ms. “No One Else”
Ms. “No One Else” wants all of your free time…every single second of it. As soon as the two of you get close, she stops talking to all of her friends and expects you to do the same. Some men may agree to this arrangement reluctantly, but they’ll soon end up more unhappy than R. Kelly at a Grown and Sexy cocktail mixer.

3. Ms. “Something To Prove”
For as long as I can remember, Ms. “Something To Prove” has always worked hard to show the world she was capable of doing anything she set her mind to. And while the entire male population applauds her strength, we get kind of tired of her reminding us about it throughout the entire date.

“I’ve got a good job.”
“I don’t need a man to do anything for me.”
“I’ve always been independent.”
“I’m going to write a book encouraging other women to be strong like me.”

Honestly, we’d rather watch an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet starring Shaquille O’Neal and Ellen Degeneres than to sit through an entire evening of that.

4. Ms. “Read My Mind”
For some reason, Ms. “Read My Mind” expects her man to know exactly what she’s thinking at all times. She then constantly tests him, using his responses to gauge his level of love. To any woman who believes this type of behavior is acceptable, I suggest you change your way of thinking. We have absolutely no interest in dealing with a woman who specializes in “The Guessing Game.”

5. Ms. “Cry Me A River”
By now, this woman has to be suffering from a tear duct infection, as she cries about everything. And I really do mean everything. It especially gets bad when the two of you disagree. As soon as things stop going her way, Ms. “Cry Me A River” turns the faucets on, and morphs into a living “Lifetime Movie.” This makes any type of civil discussion impossible; which is not attractive…at all.

6. Ms. “Chatterbox”
I’m a firm believer that communication serves as the cornerstone for all serious relationships. So I encourage you to talk to your loved one…just not all the time. You see, the problem with Ms. “Chatterbox” is that she spends most of her time talking, and none of it listening. Before long, this type of woman grows even more annoying than that one drunk uncle who always tries to hit on your female friends.

The Fly Guy Moral: So be honest with me. What were your thoughts as I was detailing the Six Types of Women That All Men Hate? Were you unaware that women like this even existed? Or were you secretly upset that I pulled your card in front of everyone? If your answer is the latter, then I suggest you tap into your inner Michael Jackson and start looking at the “(Wo)Man in the Mirror.” Before today, you were quick to blame others for your relationship failures. But now it may be time for you to look a little closer to home. Think about it…