Here’s the scenario:

You woke up this morning lying next to someone other than your significant other. Now your first thoughts were probably somewhere along the lines of: “F@*K!!!! … What am I doing here??? And how did my underwear get stuck in the ceiling fan???” (Hey, it happens.)

Once you pulled them down and started getting dressed, the magnitude of the moment began to set in. You’ve just betrayed the love of your life, and are now faced with two choices. You could always take the “easy” way out, and carry your dirty secret to the grave. Or you could venture down the road less traveled—the one that leads to an admission of guilt.

As expected, I can already hear a loud contingent of readers who believe the latter choice is borderline lunacy. But before you haul me off in a straightjacket, hear me out. In my experience, there are 5 very compelling reasons to admit you cheated. Let’s examine them together.

1. Paranoia will drive you crazy.
I’ve never understood how fugitives mentally survive on the run. They’re always looking over their shoulder, covering their tracks, and expecting freedom to be snatched away at any moment … It’s an exhausting existence.

That same type of fear and paranoia can apply to the conscience of a cheater. The energy required to maintain a web of deception is rarely worth the gray hair and stress that it triggers. So why even bother? Why not confess now so you can sleep later?

2. You cheated with an unstable person.
Here’s an interesting fact: 32.7% of all single people are mentally unstable. Of that number, 92.5% of them enjoy sleeping with people in relationships, only to turn around and systematically attempt to destroy their lives.

Ok, I made that entire section up, but you have to admit that it did sound compelling. Here’s the bottom line. The world is filled with crazy people, and as fate would have it, the cheater often winds up in the bed with them. So before they get all Fatal Attraction on you, it’s best to clear the air with your loved one before the stalking and harassment begins. (Trust me; it can and will happen.)

3. You envision a long term future between the two of you.
For many, trust and transparency are the key components when laying the foundation for a lifelong relationship. If that same philosophy holds true for you, then you have to confess. Why? Because it’s impossible to build a successful relationship on a bed of lies … just ask any Bad Boy recording artist. So if you really see this person in your future, then let the truth set you free.

4. They deserve to know the truth.
When you look into their eyes, what do you see? You probably see a reflection of yourself. But is that you in your current state? No; it’s the person that they think you are … loving … attentive … FAITHFUL. Yeah, it’s hard to live with yourself when your loved one views you as a saint, when you’re really a sinner. They have a right to know who you really are.

5. They should hear it from you first.
The only thing that’s worse than your confession is them hearing it from someone else. It just makes an already bad situation worse. It kind of reminds me of how I felt when I had to read on TMZ that Halle Berry was pregnant by some curly-haired Sears catalog model. The truth would have hurt regardless, but I would have respected her more if she told me herself. Your significant other deserves a higher level of courtesy than Halle afforded me.

The Fly Conclusion: Let’s be very clear: I just laid out 5 compelling reasons to admit you cheated. But that confession doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be forgiven. Hey, that’s the risk you take when you decide to betray someone’s trust. But regardless of their decision, take comfort in the fact that you took ownership for your actions and accepted the punishment that came with it. To me, that’s a sign of real growth.

Next week, we’ll explore the Top 5 Reasons Not to Admit You Cheated … after all, there’s two sides to every story.

I’ve often wondered how far someone would go to gain forgiveness after cheating. Well, a man in Virginia tested the scope of my thinking on the subject by standing on the corner during morning rush hour with a sign that said “I cheated. This is my punishment.” His wife agreed to take him back if he wore the sign all week.

Watch The Video

But their unconventional agreement made me think: Is embarrassment really the best way to gain forgiveness? Or is there a more appropriate way to display remorse? Let me know your thoughts.

Spotted At Weave and Gloss (Come on fellas, a girl sent me the link. I already know what you were thinking … “Why was The Fly Guy on WeaveAndGloss.com?)

No one wants to be cheated on … and I mean no one. In fact, I can’t think of a single thing more painful than discovering that your loved one is intimately involved with someone else. (Well maybe watching a movie starring Ben Affleck …that’s also pretty painful.)

But Affleck’s poor acting aside, this whole cheating concept has really been on my mind a lot lately. It probably has something to do with the countless emails I get from those either currently going through or just coming out of a relationship filled with lies and infidelity. Now I know in the past we’ve discussed the proper response when you uncover a cheater. But we’ve never dealt with one very extreme circumstance—the one where you actually catch them in the act. What would you do? Vote, and then explain your reasoning.

As I prepare for my annual series on cheating, I felt the need to get the pulse of the people. For most, the prospect of getting caught is enough to steer you away from actually being unfaithful. But what if there was absolutely no way that you could get caught? And I mean absolutely, as in you have a better chance at getting Stevie Wonder a part time job as a crossing guard than you do at getting caught. Would that change your stance? Let me know.

Dear Fly Guy,

Josh

Dear Josh,

Let me start by saying no, you do not have a sign on your forehead. But you are displaying some very visible signs of a man who’s secretly afraid of commitment. That’s the only logical explanation for your continued interest in married women. Even when you aren’t initiating the relationship, you’re still entertaining their advances, making you just as guilty as them. In my opinion, dating a married woman is about as volatile as electing both a father and son from Texas to be president…the end-result is never a good one. So if you’re really ready to engage in a meaningful relationship, then put those marital flings behind you, and start focusing on women who aren’t already spoken for. Deal?

The Fly Guy

Now that you’ve made it through the first two phases of my cheating seminar, a decision must now be made. But before you decided whether to stay or leave, you must ask yourself the following four questions…

1. What If There Was No Cheating?
If you’ve exhausted all possible avenues only to discover no cheating occurred, then you need to evaluate yourself. There’s either one of two things happening.

a.You could be suffering from O.J. Syndrome. That’s where you’re the one that actually did it, but you’re trying to blame someone else for your transgressions (which is a common sign of a cheater, check Fly Guy Volume 11.) Alas, the glove did not fit, so you have to quit accusing them of cheating.
b. You may just like the drama. I know your favorite show is Days Of Our Lives, but you have to stop trying to create your own daytime soap opera, before your loved one taps into their inner Tom Hanks, and makes you a Castaway.

2. Can You Trust Them Again?
There’s no need to even discuss a possible reconciliation if you’re never going to trust them again. That would be more pointless than House Party 4 (a definite low point in Marques Houston’s career.)

a. If Your Answer is No… Then you need to stop reading this because there’s no further discussion. Don’t let them back in your life like those flies on your grandmother’s porch. Just keep the screen door closed, and move on to another relationship.
b. If Your Answer is Yes… You have to let them know up front that you’re hurt, but you’re willing to give it another try. You also have to convince yourself that one day you can trust them again. That may be harder than Sylvester Stallone’s botox-laced face, but at some point it has to happen.

3. Why Did They Do It?
It’s virtually impossible to fully forgive someone for cheating until you know why they did it. Once you ask the question, you must prepare yourself for these two scenarios.

a. If you don’t get a straight answer. If they sidestep your questions, avoiding them like R. Kelly’s trial (is that man ever going to court), then you seriously have to wonder if forgiving them is even an option. If they can’t speak on the problem, then they aren’t truly sorry.
b. If the relationship was the problem. They may tell you that there was something wrong in your relationship, and that’s what caused them to cheat. When you hear that, you can’t pout like you didn’t make the final 10 on American Idol. When the time is right, make a serious effort to work with them on the stated problems.

4. Is the Relationship Worth Saving?
The last question will also double as this week’s Fly Guy Moral. Ask yourself that very question. “Is this relationship worth saving?” Despite the cheating, is this still the person that I want to be with? At the end of the day, people make mistakes (including you.) That doesn’t excuse them from cheating, but it does give you grounds to one day forgive and forget (but that’s if and only if they exhibit true remorse for what they did….and it’s not the 5th time you’ve caught them.)

The Fly Guy Moral: What I’ve grown to learn is that sometimes being cheated on is the best thing that can ever happen to you (I know it doesn’t feel that way when you’re going through it, but it’s true.) It can either open your eyes to a person’s true colors, and allow you to move on to something better. Or it can make the relationship stronger, as the person realizes they almost lost the best thing they ever had. Either way you come out stronger in the process.

Have you ever been in a public bathroom and just took a quick moment to observe the writing on the wall? (I mean seriously, who is Big Daddy D, and why does he want everyone to know that he hangs out in the mall bathroom?) But Big Daddy D aside, there’s plenty of symbolism in that experience. In our personal lives there’s lots of figurative writing on our walls as well. We just have to open our eyes and see it.

So today’s lesson:The Signs of A Cheater. This way, you can see the writing on the wall and spot when your loved one is being more dishonest than Angie Stone on Celebrity Fit Club. This will be a three-part series, so make sure you check back in with me over the next two weeks to get the complete installment (This could be bigger than Wesley Snipes’ tax debt.)

The Signs

No More Drama
Do you remember when you used to do lunch, hang out with mutual friends, and all of the cute things that couples do? And when you couldn’t make it, there would be genuine disappointment. But now, they don’t care. In fact, they don’t even bring it up anymore. When you ask about lunch, they say they already ate, or when you mention going out, their answer is a non-committing, “I don’t care.” Why don’t they care? Because someone else is filling that void. Those cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster were supposed to be yours. Now somebody else is eating your biscuits as we speak.

Overly Sensitive
You can’t ask simple questions without them overreacting and getting defensive. “Baby, what time do you think you’ll be home tonight?” In return you get major attitude from them, no real answer, and a lecture on having trust in the relationship. You haven’t seen this much resistance since the time you had to convince your 62-year old drunk uncle that he was no longer a ladies’ man.

No More Affection
She used to be your sex kitten, never able to get enough of you. Now you don’t get that romantic attention anymore as she seems more interested in doing other exciting things like watching paint dry, cleaning out the lint trap in the dryer, or reading the liner notes of an old JJ Fad album.

A Startling Conclusion
Does your loved one wake up disoriented, not exactly knowing where they are? Do they look more confused than me trying to figure out the difference between Dem Franchise Boys and D4L? Well that’s probably because they ARE confused. They really don’t know where they are…which usually happens when you’re not sure whose bed you’re waking up in.

No Talk of the Future
The two of you used to dream about how wonderful life would be as a married couple. You shopped for rings, and longed to have three little girls named Latisha, Anisha, and Propecia. Life was never better. Now they get uncomfortable when you mention anything concerning your relationship’s future outside of going to the movies next week.

Top Secret
Your relationship used to be pretty open, but your mate has suddenly become very secretive. This can include everything from not disclosing personal information voluntarily anymore, to locking up their belongings (you now need a passcode, fingerprint analysis, retina scan, mother’s maiden name, voice recognition, urine sample, and a 1902 Indian penny just to use their cell phone.)

Honorable Mentions: A change in sleeping patterns (restlessness, exhaustion, nightmares), an increase in random gift giving, especially if they didn’t do it before (perhaps to deal with their own guilt for betraying you), and constantly accusing you of cheating.

The Fly Guy Moral: While these signs aren’t absolute indicators that someone is cheating, they will enhance your cheat radar allowing you to be more aware of irregular changes in their behavior. Don’t hastily jump to conclusions though. I don’t want to read about you kicking in your lover’s door waving a .44 screaming, “THE FLY GUY WAS RIGHT!!!” just because they couldn’t sleep last night. Keep each sign in its proper perspective, and proceed with caution when deciding if or when to confront them (that is unless you find a sextape of him relieving himself in a Zorro mask with his greatest hits playing in the background.) Next week, we’ll tackle how you should approach your loved one if these signs and others are present in your relationship.