So I have to admit that I found myself in an interesting situation a few days ago. I was spending some quality time with a potential … (potential what, I’m not sure of yet) … but anyway, we were spending time together, and she asked me to play some music to “set the mood.” Now, I’m normally a regular Kid Capri when it comes to creating the perfect music mix. But for some reason, I was off my game that night. Every song that I played felt wrong, and I began to feel as though my choices were in danger of ruining the night. Luckily, I was able to call my boy Lil Jon who stepped in to give me the perfect advice. Who would have ever thought it was possible? The Fly Guy getting love advice from Lil Jon. Go figure.

Check out the featured Fly Video.

So before you automatically assume that she enjoys collecting He-Man figurines just like you, it might be best to read the following guest feature first. In it, relationship writer Christina Colangelo discusses this frequent practice of dating deception. How dare you ladies??

As always, read, comment and share.

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Written by: Christina Colangelo

It’s a classic tale. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy shares one of his biggest interests with Girl and is stoked when Girl reveals that she loves said interest too. Boy is happy. Cut to six months later. Girl isn’t as into the “shared” interest anymore. Boy is sad.

This scenario has happened to every guy at least once in his dating career and probably leaves him befuddled every single time. Chances are the girl has faked or “exaggerated” (girl term for faked) her interest in your hobby to pique your interest in her. And there’s even more of a chance that you were so stoked to meet a girl who was into MMA that you failed to even consider the possibility that she was trying to change herself for you. Well, open those eyes, buddy, because here’s how your obliviousness can ruin your relationship.

The passion attraction

It’s no secret that a guy is hot when he’s passionate about something. For some girls, your passion for a subject is intoxicating enough to want to know every detail about it. She’s head over heels for you and you’re head over heels for fishing, so why wouldn’t she want to throw on her galoshes, hop into your rowboat and act like worms don’t freak her out? But unlike real passions, which can last for a lifetime, borrowed passions last about 6 months. After the brand new luster wears off your relationship, she may start to think of your passion as more of a nerdy obsession and will participate in it less and less.

New interests fall by the wayside

Part of the fun of being in a new couple is sharing individual interests and discovering new ones together. Your knowledge of literature might not extend past the back of your cereal box, but if she’s an avid reader, it could push you into reading one of her favorite novels. Opposite interests drive us to make an effort to learn something new, so if you assume from the start that she loves everything you love, you’ll miss out on growing together. Things can get stale pretty quickly without the desire to experience new things.

Reinforced enthusiasm

When you’re single, you’ve got all the time in the world to devote to your own passions. You feel like spending all day watching slasher movies? Go ahead! Want to go to the batting cages for hours every weekend? More power to you! But a new relationship takes time away from those hobbies — and that’s usually a welcome thing because you like the girl and want to spend more time with her. But when she seems like the number one cheerleader for your time-consuming passion, you’ll become consumed with it at her expense. Eventually, she’ll retract all the enthusiasm, she used to have for your interest, and you’ll continue to revel in it because you assume you have her blessing to do so. Cue resentment and fights!

She’s not your buddy

When you met her she was the coolest chick ever. She was into sports, staying in on the weekends and loved throwing beers back with your buddies. Your friends loved her, and you were just stoked to be with such a laid-back chick who was totally “one of the guys.” But she’s not. No girl that you’re dating is ever really going to be “one of the guys.” She may still like sports and beer, but she probably played up her enthusiasm for them to attract. Now that your relationship is full steam ahead, she wants to be treated like your girlfriend, not your friend.

Has she lost more than her interest in your hobby?

Most guys have no clue why any girl would pretend to like something she has no actual interest in. After all, you’re not running out to go to her pottery classes. Whether it’s because most guys have more self-confidence than girls or because girls are more open to new experiences, the important thing is to be aware of is this freaky female trait and to avoid getting caught up in her exaggerated enthusiasm for your passions. Already dealing with the situation? Investigate what the loss of her interest in your interest has left in its wake. Is she still passionate about you and more comfortable with being herself and expressing all her likes and dislikes? Or has the girl transformed into a she-devil now that she thinks you’re in her talons permanently? Different passions make a relationship interesting, but a girl who begins to resent your interests is just annoying and should be tossed to the curb so she can begin her transformation into another unfortunate guy’s ideal. There’s a bright side to all this: Now you have all the time in the world to concentrate on your fantasy baseball league!

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Today’s Fly Question:
Is anybody guilty (guy or girl) of faking an interest just to get with someone? If so, tell me what happened.

Dear Fly Guy,

I need some relationship advice. Most women give men a hard time when it comes to committing to them, but I’m the exact opposite. When I commit to a woman, she has my heart forever. My problem is that my loyalty may be causing me to give my woman more leeway than she probably deserves. We’ve been together for about six months now, and I feel like I’m the only one in the relationship that tries to compromise to make things work between us. It always feels like it’s her way or the highway, which isn’t cool. I guess my question is how do you know when you’re giving up too much to stay in a relationship? Is there a point when you should just try to cut ties? Let me know your thoughts.

Fed Up Brotha

What’s Up Fed Up Brotha,

After reading your question, I can tell that your frustration has reached its boiling point. Honestly speaking, there doesn’t seem to be much compromise in your relationship. In fact, I haven’t witnessed a lack of compromise this blatant since the last time I read the fine print on a Bad Boy recording contract.

To me, compromise happens when both sides are willing to give a little. Your situation feels the exact opposite. It feels like you’re doing all of the giving, and she’s doing all of the receiving. The more you continue you down this path, the more you’ll find yourself being taken advantage of. That in turn will lead to your continued unhappiness. In my opinion, it’s time for you to draw a line in the sand. Either she’s going to start learning the true art of compromise, or you’re going to have to find another woman to give your heart to. It’s as simple as that. I hope this helps.

The Fly Guy

I’ll be the first one to admit this shortcoming: break ups make me uneasy. There’s just something about the giving and receiving of bad relationship news that doesn’t sit well with me. I mean, think about it; is there really another conversation that’s more uncomfortable? I can’t think of a single one.

Over the years though, I’ve learned how to successfully approach both sides of the break up. In doing so, I’ve decided to share a few quick tips to help you navigate through each aspect of a break up. Keep these pointers in your back pocket … you know, just in case the situation calls for it.

**The Break Up-ER
Breaking up is already tough, so why not approach it with the proper preparation. Here are two rules you must always abide by when breaking up with someone.

No Home Court Advantage

Do yourself a favor and avoid breaking up with someone at your house … or their house for that matter. Listen; I’ve been to your place before, and you have way too many valuables that are just begging to be thrown by a scorned lover. Outside of that danger, breaking up with someone while sitting in front of pictures from happier times just makes matters worse. My suggestion: go somewhere public—but not too crowded—like the park or the premiere of a new James Earl Jones action movie. There shouldn’t be too many people there.

No Backing Down

If you really feel compelled to end the relationship, then you can’t change your mind. To me, flip flop relationships are more stressful than the time my dad tried to wear skinny jeans (yeah, it was really bad.) So before you even start the process, think about all of their possible rebuttals to you ending it. Once you’ve figured that out, make sure you have sound responses to their arguments. After all; this is the official point of no return … there’s no sense in letting them talk you down off of the ledge.

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**The Break Up-EE
No one wants to be on the wrong end of a break up. But if you’re ever faced with this unfortunate predicament, at least you’ll now be prepared with the following suggestions.

Just Let It Go

If your significant other decides to bail on the relationship, then by all means let them go. Don’t fight it … in fact, agree with them. On the inside, you may be heartbroken, but there’s no need to visibly show the pain. In many ways, your strength and indifference may do more damage to their psyche than any combination of curse words ever could.

Find Someone/Something New

After you let it go, the next step is to move on. There’s no need to let your thoughts be consumed by a person that doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Instead, find someone or something to occupy your time. Truth be told, your ex probably isn’t even reading this column right now. Why? Because they’re too busy spending time with their new lover. It’s time you did the same.

The Fly Conclusion: Do I want to see your relationship end? Absolutely not. But break ups are about as inevitable as Republicans and Democrats disagreeing … it’s just bound to happen. In many ways, our fate is already sealed when it comes to experiencing both sides of a break up. So don’t view this as me telling you to expect the worse in your relationship. Instead, consider it me pushing you one step closer to maturely handling the situation in the event that it does occur.

Hey Fly Guy,

Loveless in LA

Dear Loveless in LA,

I’m far from an expert when it comes to giving same sex love advice, but I guess it was bound to happen at some point. I’m actually of the school of thought that people are just people. I really don’t think there’s a special way to approach someone just because they’re the same sex. For my money, honesty and being yourself always win—no matter who you’re addressing. Today’s dating world lacks any semblance of realness, so if you bring that to the table, then you already have a leg up on the competition. So just be yourself, and let the chips fall where they may. If she’s digging you, then she’ll let you know … if she’s not, then you still have nothing to be ashamed of based on your approach. I hope this helps.

The Fly Guy

Today’s Fly Poll

City: Washington D.C.

Follow Him: Twitter.com/wale

His Philosophy On Life: We should always be learning from each other. I think that my life experiences should help the next man, and vice versa. That’s why people make movies and biographies, because we should always be learning from the next person’s experiences.

His Philosophy On Love: It’s important to be proactive. When men and women have to be asked to do something it takes away from the relationship exponentially. Forget-me-nots are what fuel the relationships to me. It’s like putting gas in your car before it gets to E. It’s like the soil or how you nurture the relationship.

I can still hear my mother and grandmother singing that song back in the day when church services seemed to last ALL DAY. The song—which I’m sure is still being sang somewhere—speaks to the beauty of silence in the midst of chaos, and how it allows you the opportunity to hear God’s voice. It’s really powerful stuff when you sit and think about it.

Unfortunately, the power of that message doesn’t always translate when you’re dealing with a relationship. There are times when silence can be the worst possible option for a man, because it allows his woman the space to interpret what he’s thinking. And trust me, that’s not necessarily a good thing.

You could be sitting there in the middle of an argument silently waiting to hear from God, and she could just be thinking that you don’t care and have given up on the relationship. In that moment, do you really think that you can look at her and say, “Naw baby, I’m just sitting here waiting to hear from God … I’ll talk as soon as I hear from him.” …. I didn’t think so.

So today, we’re going to discuss the best approach for men in situations where silence is a bad move. To assist in this exercise, I’ve decided to share an excerpt from Men’s Health on this very subject. Check it out.

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During an Argument

Why you’re quiet: You’re trying not to provoke her, which could cause even more anger and conflict.

What she thinks: “She’ll feel you don’t respect her opinion, which is worse than not caring,” says Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men.

The fix: Say, “I care about this relationship and don’t want to say something stupid I’ll regret. Can we talk about it in half an hour?” By setting a time to revisit the discussion, she’ll know you’re not just trying to escape.

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Relaxing After Sex

Why you’re quiet: “For men, talk isn’t as significant as action is,” says Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., author of You Just Don’t Understand.

What she thinks: Your mind is wandering—or you fell asleep. “This is the time she wants to feel close and know that you feel the same,” Tannen says. “Talk is the way she expects you to show it.”

The fix: Rather than offering an offhand platitude, mention something specific you love about her. Better yet, talk about a mind-blowing moment to let her know it was worth remembering.

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When She’s Upset About Work

Why you’re quiet: “Men want to be able to fix things,” says Tannen. “When they don’t know how, they shut down.”

What she thinks: You’re uninterested in her life and would rather wait until she stops talking about it.

The fix: Don’t offer solutions, says Tannen. She knows you don’t have a quick fix, and she’s not looking for one. “Show that you’re listening,” Tannen says, like expressing shock at her boss’s actions or empathizing with a problem.

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When She Asks How She Looks

Why you’re quiet: You’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, so you keep the praise short and generic.

What she thinks: You’re not into her—at all. “When women ask this, men take it literally,” says Dr. Haltzman. “But women are also asking at an emotional level, meaning, ‘What do you think of me?’”

The fix: Quick: What do you like best about her body? Tell her how the clothing shows off that beloved feature. Dr. Haltzman says it’s not necessarily the compliment that matters; speed and sincerity are what she’s looking for.

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Meeting Her Friends

Why you’re quiet: You feel shy or awkward, because you don’t know them and wonder what they’ve heard about you.

What she thinks: You’re being inconsiderate and maybe even hostile toward her friends. A 2007 article in the journal Sex Roles found that men who speak up are considered more likable and competent.

The fix: Ahead of time, ask her for a story about her friends that’ll be fun to bring up when you meet them. “You’ll share in the moment,” Dr. Haltzman says, “and you’ll show that the two of you talk about the group in a positive way.

(Source-Men’s Health)

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The Fly Conclusion: To the men; I hope that this article has shed light on the basic idea that movie theaters have been lying to you for years … silence is not golden … especially when you’re involved in a committed relationship.

The floor is now officially open for you to agree, disagree, or to just tell me how your day is going in general. Let’s talk.

Every night that it rains, I pull out my pen and pad and start writing to you. I’m still not sure what it is about the rain that prompts this response … maybe it stems from my childhood belief that rain somehow represented the tears of God. And if God was able to unashamedly express his emotions, then why couldn’t I?

Well, that was my logic early in life, so I guess it just stuck with me. As it stands, the plan is to one day let you read all of my letters to you. But until that opportunity presents itself, I figured I’d just share a few of my current thoughts. I pray that the following words touch your heart in the same way that your smile consistently touches mine. Here goes…

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Dear Future Wife,

Rainy nights like tonight remind me of the majesty of our creator. Every raindrop that hits my windowpane appropriately mirrors the urgency of my heart’s desire for you. At times it incessantly pours, almost as if it desperately needs to be heard … in other moments, the rain slows to a quiet, steady pace, just content for you to acknowledge its existence.

The same can be said of my feelings for you…

The only real difference between the rain and my feelings is that mine will never subside. There’s nothing—not space, nor time, nor circumstance that will ever come close to separating me from this sincere belief that we belong together. So don’t perceive this as an admission that you’re the object of my desire. No, it’s much deeper than that. Instead, realize that you are the sweet culmination of an early dream … a dream that spoke of the day when I’d eventually come face-to-face with my soul’s counterpoint … and the day that our hearts would finally embrace.

It will indeed be a beautiful moment when we’re able to bask in the warmth of our love’s glow. But until that day arrives, let my words comfort you with the understanding that this is not just a possibility… our time will surely come. That much I do know.

Until then,

The Fly Guy

You should never grow tired of creating new experiences for you and your significant other to share. A great outlet for this practice is the preparation of meals together. During this process, you can spend quality time while delving deep into the intricate world of the culinary arts.

With that idea in mind, I enlisted one of my favorite chefs (Chef Carmisha) and asked her to share a great date night recipe. Here’s what she came up with. (Oh, and ladies feel free to prepare this for me if you want to practice first.)

Herb Marinated Grilled Lamb Chops

Ingredients:

¼ cup balsamic vinegar
3 tablespoons honey
3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1 tablespoon fresh rosemary, chopped
1 tablespoon fresh thyme, chopped
1 teaspoon kosher salt
½ teaspoon of Black Pepper
8 loin lamb chops

Method of Preparation:

1 . Lightly spray the grill with grill oil spray before heating. Preheat the grill to high heat.

2 . Combine the balsamic vinegar, honey, olive oil, garlic, rosemary, thyme, salt, and pepper. Set aside.

3 . In a sealable bag, place lamb chops and marinade ingredients. Squeeze out the excess air and seal the bag. Place the bag in the refrigerator and marinate overnight.

4 . About 20 to 30 minutes before grilling, remove the lamb chops from the refrigerator. This allows the protein strands in the meat to loosen up and helps keep the meat tender during the cooking process.

5 . Remove the lamb chops from the bag, draining off the excess marinade. Place each lamb chop on the preheated grill. Grill for about 3 minutes on each side for medium rare, or until desired doneness.

Yield:
4 Servings

Fly Suggestion: You should pair this with a nice full-bodied red wine, like a cabernet or merlot. If those aren’t available, then try a nice kool-aid 

A large majority of my life has been spent working to gain a reasonably sound understanding of the opposite sex. If you noticed, I specifically used the word “reasonable” since the likelihood of me ever fully mastering the complexities of a woman is about as probable as Jermaine Jackson denouncing hair grease—especially not when women change and evolve almost as frequently as the sun rises and sets. No, I’d rather strive for a reasonable understanding, which gives me the best possible chance at successfully loving Mrs. Right when she comes along.

As I prepare for her arrival, I’ve come to understand the distinct difference between a woman’s wants and needs. The wants are typically sexy in nature—the qualities that make leading men in movies so desirable. The needs on the other hand are often more practical, and in the long run turn out to be the things that lead to sustained happiness.

In the beginning, a large majority of women forsake their needs because the wants are so appealing. (I can’t hate though, as men do the exact same thing.) But as most women mature, they begin to develop a greater appreciation for their needs over those enticing wants.

So in the spirit of this concept, I’ve decided to compare some of the typical wants and needs of a woman to see how they stack up against one another.

Her Wants Vs. Her Needs

A woman wants a man that would never be disrespected by others … A woman needs a man that would never stop respecting her.

A woman wants a man with a flawless body … A woman needs a man with an impeccable character.

A woman wants a man 6’3 or taller … A woman needs a man that stands tall in the face of adversity.

A woman wants a man that’s financially secure … A woman needs a man that’s emotionally stable.

A woman wants a man with a beautiful smile … A woman needs a man with a beautiful heart.

A woman wants a man that’s confident in his approach … A woman needs a man that’s dedicated in his delivery.

A woman wants a man with unlimited potential … A woman needs a man with unlimited drive.

A woman wants a man that people think the world of … A woman needs a man that thinks the world of her.

A woman wants a man that’s willing to die for her … A woman needs a man that’s ready to live for her.

A woman wants a man that has seen the world … A woman needs a man that sees the world in her.

A woman wants a man that fulfills her checklist … A woman needs a man willing to love her in spite of his checklist.

Today’s Fly Request: Share some of your experiences as it pertains to a woman’s wants and needs.

To the men: Has a woman ever overlooked you because she was driven by her wants instead of her needs?

To the women: Have you ever been misled by your wants? If so, explain what happened.