Pop quiz: “What’s the correct way to ask a woman out on a date?”

Now the average man has been approaching women since around the tender age of 12. (for some of us, like myself and Diddy, it was much earlier than that.) This fact notwithstanding, there still appears to be a lack of understanding on the proper way to ask a woman out. So instead of idly standing by as this disturbing pattern continues, I’ve decided to share Five Helpful Tips When Asking a Woman Out on a Date.

Disclaimer: Your chances of success improve dramatically under the following conditions:

A.) She’s available (which means, you can’t go out and try this on Beyoncé or Michelle Obama.)

B.) She’s at least mildly interested in you.

C.) You’re presentable (i.e. fresh breath, washed faced, brushed hair, ironed clothes … should I continue?)

**If not, then let’s begin …

1. Get to the Point

There’s no bigger turnoff than a man who beats around the bush. If asking her out is your objective, then make that known up front. The more time you waste working up the nerve to ask her out, the more likely it becomes that she’ll say no. So keep it short, sweet, and to the point. In other words, if you’re more vague than Mitt Romney’s tax plan, then the chances of her turning you down begin to increase exponentially.

2. Don’t Pass the Buck

Avoid passing the buck at all costs. A great example of this occurs when a guy says to the woman, “I have a pretty flexible schedule. Just hit me up and let me know when you want to get together.”

Wrong move, dude.

In fact, you’d probably have a better chance convincing me that Jermaine Jackson’s hair is naturally silky, than you would at getting a woman to take you up on such a bad approach. It’s your job to take the initiative when scheduling the date. So come equipped with all of the details … let me repeat that: come with all of the details.

3. Originality Is the Key

Presenting a unique date idea is also critical when attempting to increase your odds. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the classic dinner and movie suggestions are still cool, but they do nothing to separate yourself from every other guy who has asked her out within the last hour. Whether you believe it or not, the average woman gets propositioned by at least 3-4 men on any given day — from the UPS man, to her married co-worker, to the homeless guy asking to pump her gas for spare change. With this understanding in mind, it becomes that much more important to think outside of the box, and entice her with a creative date idea.

So tell her that you want to go rock climbing … or better yet, invite her to a mud wrestling match between Rihanna and whoever else is dating Chris Brown this week. These types of date ideas let her know that really put serious thought into how you’d like to create an enjoyable atmosphere for the two of you.

4. Relax

If you’re nervous when asking her out, then she will definitely be able to tell.  So practice keeping your cool. If she says yes, then your expression should suggest that you expected that outcome all along. Even if she says no, you should still remain composed. A lack of confidence ranks right up there in turnoffs with: (a) having an extensive criminal record, (b) having more baby mamas than Diddy and Lil Wayne combined, and (c) having a perm that’s better than hers.

So take a deep breath, relax, and display a level of confidence indicative of a man who knows that he is in control of his own destiny.

5. Make Sure That She Knows It’s a Date

There’s nothing worse than going out on a “I think it is, but I’m not sure” type of date. This occurs when the man doesn’t make it clear up front why they’re getting together. That makes things uncomfortable at the end of the night when she hi-fives you, and slaps you on the booty like you’re teammates at Morgan Freeman’s “It’s OK to Date Your Granddaughter” charity basketball game  … (btw, I’m pretty sure that charity exists … at least, in his mind.)

No, we can’t let that happen to you. So make your intentions known up front to avoid banishment to the friend zone.

The Fly Conclusion:

For the Men: Now that I’ve given you the essential tips, it’s time to hear from you. What has worked for you in the past when asking a woman out? On the flip side, what were some of the things that failed worse than Joe Biden’s attempts at controlling his laughter?

For the Women: I’d also like to hear from you. Our greatest asset as men attempting to grow in our understanding of the female species is our ability to get constructive feedback from you. With that understanding in mind, how do you like to be approached? We can’t wait to hear from you.

The words that pour through my pen represent a concentrated overflow of all of the passion, pain and promise that I’ve experienced throughout the years. And while I work through my ability to freely share it all with you, I take solace in the fact that others have successfully achieved that level of openness.

I share some of their thoughts on love and relationships in this edition of Love Quotables—which is arguably my favorite part of The Fly Guy Chronicles.

The Fly Quotes

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

There’s nothing half so sweet in life as love’s young dream. ~ Thomas Moore

Love is always bestowed as a gift – freely, willingly, and without expectation. We don’t love to be loved; we love to love. ~ Leo Buscaglia

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness. ~Bertrand Russell

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. ~Albert Einstein

If you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her above the brim with love of herself; all that runs over will be yours.  ~Charles Caleb Colton

Love creates an ‘us’ without destroying a ‘me’. ~ Leo Buscaglia

The Fly Response

Now it’s your turn. Do you have an expression of love that speaks to you? If so, feel free to share.

For as much as I write about love and relationships, I still have so much to learn. Love is just one of those things that I’ll probably never get a full grasp on (It’s sad, but true.) So instead of being hard on myself about it, I just use sound judgment, pray for the best, and let the chips fall where they may.

As unglamorous as that may sound, that’s the totality of my understanding of love.

But if that’s the case, then what makes me the Fly Guy? I’m glad you asked. Besides my dashing good looks that have been known to drive the grandmothers at my church wild, my flyest characteristic is my ability to swallow my pride and admit my shortcomings. They are as follows:

1. I rarely wear socks.
2. I wet my pants when I was in the third grade (long story.)
3. I know the theme song to every late 80’s sitcom (I’m actually not apologizing for this one.)
4. I stole $13 dollars out of my mom’s purse when I was eleven (don’t tell her.)
5. I was so nervous that I farted loudly during my SAT exam.
6. I snore quite often.

Now I’m sure I could keep going … but over all of those flaws, my greatest shortcoming is my failure to adequately articulate what is going on in the pictures below. For the life of me, I’ve tried but I just can’t do it.

So there you have it … I’m a quitter.

I am resigned to the fact that I’ll never understand these pictures. So go ahead … bask in my failures. But as soon as you’re done, maybe you can explain to me what in the hell these people are thinking. I’d really like to know …

Word on the street is that she’s mad at you again. At this point, you probably have a better chance at degreasing Jermaine Jackson, than you do at gaining her forgiveness. So let’s try a different approach. This time around, try using music as a tool to ease your way back into her good graces. Here are five songs that may do the trick.

John Mayer- Come Back To Bed
I love John’s approach. Get them back in the bed first…then work it out. That’s my kind of strategy.

Jodeci- Stay
Nothing says I’m sorry like begging … and who does it better than Jodeci? No one. Ohhhh yeaaaaaaah!!!!

Jay-Z Song Cry
“I was just f*cking those girls, I was gonna get right back.” Now that’s sincerity in its purest form.

Earth, Wind, & Fire- Reasons
95% of all women are left defenseless when a man sings in falsetto. It’s a fact…

All 4 One- I Swear
If the sappy lyrics don’t get her back, maybe she’ll laugh so hard that she’ll forget why she was even mad to begin with.

**Now it’s your turn. In your opinion, what songs are tailor-made for reconciliation.

When it comes to women, I get it. From an early age, I have always known how to express my feelings in a way that was both crystal clear, and that spoke directly to the sincerity by which they were said.

I have that down pat.

It’s because of this gift that I often find myself growing increasingly frustrated when I’m unable to express the love that I have for God with that same level of conviction. I find it a bit ironic that I get tongue-tied and flustered—especially when you consider that it was God who gave me this gift of expression in the first place.

I sometimes find myself just looking up at the heavens with an exasperated look that says, “I don’t know how to phrase this perfectly, but I just want you to know that I love you.”

It’s that same type of hesitation that hamstrings many of us when it comes to expressing our true feelings to our loved ones. We torture ourselves into believing that if it’s not JUST RIGHT, then they won’t accept it.

But that couldn’t be further from the truth…

In my case, I’ve come to learn that as long as my words were sincere, then God would welcome them with open arms.  The same goes for you, and your expressions of love. It’s time to push away the anxiety, and let the purity of your feelings lead the way.

One of my favorite singers, Mali Music, figured this out long before me, and he offers a great example in one of the most heartfelt love songs that I have ever heard in my life. I just couldn’t let the day pass without me sharing my thoughts as well as this song.

Enjoy.

The Fly Lyrics

(Verse 1)
Lord if I could buy You a gift
To show You my love, tell You how I feel
It wouldn’t matter what I have to give,
I’d find a way to get it for You

But, fortunately that’s not the case,
And we both know that I don’t have bank anyway
But I won’t let it affect my presentation to You
Cause this is what I bring:

(Chorus)
Here is my heart
My mind
Lord, here’s my life
My everything
Take it
It’s yours
Oh Lord! (It’s all that I have to give)

(Verse 2)
I give You my all
My everything
Every song that I write
Every song that I sing
Every day of my life
Every breath that I breathe
You gave to me

Lord I rededicate it right back to You
The love of my life
So Faithful, so True
I get goose bumps just thinking of You
And there’s nothing that I will not do for you*

I give You my best
Cause I Love You
I’m Yours

I was often told that a picture was worth a thousand words. But as I’ve gotten a little older and a tad bit wiser, I’ve come to realize that powerful imagery is worth so much more than those thousand words … especially when it speaks to the very pulse of your passion for another person.

In today’s edition of Love Quotables, we take a look at a few of my favorite images—all of which say so more about love than my words ever could.

So take a moment with each photo, and allow it to speak to you. After doing so, I’d like you to share your thoughts. That last part (the articulation) is an important step in this exercise. Don’t leave it out. Ok?

I can still hear my father’s voice as he tapped into his inner Mr. Miyagi, while grooming me into the karate kid that I am today. I appreciated that valuable life lesson, as it’s served me well along the way—particularly as I navigate the sometimes rocky terrain of the entertainment industry.

And while I do my best to never offer an undeserved apology, I’ve come to realize that there is, in fact, one time when you may have to apologize even when you’ve done nothing wrong…

In a relationship.

You see, during the course of a relationship, you may be forced to occasionally back off of your principles, swallow your pride and say I’m sorry—even when you’re right.

Why?

Because relationships aren’t strictly viewed through a black and white lens. No, there are bits of gray, hints of lavender, and even a speck or two of periwinkle mixed in there for good measure. In layman’s terms, it means that arguments and hurt feelings are often more complicated than the primary issue at hand. For example:

Is it really worth the energy to argue that she overreacted when you left the toilet seat up? Probably not.

And should you really be fighting just because you refused to join in her belief that her coworker is out to get her? I say no.

In the grand scheme of things, your apology for the “disagreement” will be worth more than you arguing a position in a pointless conversation.

So as much as it hurts me to say, my dad wasn’t completely right … sometimes an undeserved apology is just what the doctor ordered to preserve the sanity of your relationship.

Fly Guy Disclaimer: Now this should only be applied to frivolous arguments. Your apology for “making them cheat on you” does not qualify. Understood?

And if don’t know what to specifically apologize for, then you can always employ the strategy of this hilarious video where men apologize to women for EVERYTHING.

Check it out.

One of my mother’s favorite TV shows used to be Bill Cosby’s “Kids Say the Darndest Things.” I can still remember how the off-the-wall comments by the kids used to make her laugh uncontrollably. Sadly, that show is now cancelled, so my mom is resigned to watching old DVDs of Akeelah and the Bee, and Madea Goes To Applebees (or whatever Madea is doing nowadays.)

Today though, I’ll be glad to let my mother know that kids are still capable of saying some pretty crazy things, as evidenced by the following quotes from kids who were asked their thoughts on love, dating and marriage.

Truth be told, some of them seem to have a better understanding of relationships than many of us. Check out their thoughts, and enjoy.

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
— Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– – Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is…

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
— Ricky, age 10

(via)

I’m sure that if you tried hard enough, you could undoubtedly write some beautiful, flowery prose potent enough to metaphorically knock her socks off … but let’s pause on that for a moment. Instead, I want you to focus on mastering the art of being direct, and saying exactly what you feel.

You don’t have to wear yourself out trying to figure out exactly what her eyes remind you of. Nor should you borrow music lyrics, or look up famous love quotes by others. No, it’s time to step up, and do the one manly thing that men don’t do quite enough…

Speak from the heart.

In an effort to assist in this newfound directness, I’ve compiled a list of phrases that I’m sure the woman in your life wouldn’t mind hearing:

I love you.
I appreciate you.
I adore you.
I’m glad to see you.
You make me happy.
You look beautiful.
I can’t want to see you again.
You look great today.

While the phrases seem simple enough, there is one small caveat … one that will either make or break this effort. In order for you to find success in these words, your behavior must totally sync with what you’re saying.

For example, if you love her, she should feel it through your actions. And if you think she’s beautiful, then the way you look at her should make her feel as if no other woman exists.

One of my favorite biblical applications is the belief that “faith without works is dead.” In the same way, using those love phrases without the actions to back them up are about as pointless as Diddy taking acting classes … or rap classes for that matter.

Listen, I want you to win with her. And a great step in that direction begins with constant doses of directness, mixed with a side of action and sincerity. It’s a recipe that has a 99.7% success rate. (Don’t ask about the other 0.3% … things went terribly wrong on the Bobby Brown “My Prerogative” Tour.)

So are all hearts and minds clear on this matter? Then good luck with your new strategy.

In my line of work, I’ve been fortunate to meet so many amazing people … some famous, others infamous, and then there are those who I consider to be the true stars because of their pure hearts and beautiful spirits. But no matter the type of person, I’m always fascinated when I meet women who seemingly have it together, but for one reason or another just can’t figure it out when it comes to matters of the heart.

Many times, their love failures aren’t directly linked to any incorrect behavior or thought pattern on their part. Life just gets the best of them.

But then there are times—and it happens more often than they may care to admit—that the only thing standing in a way of their present happiness is their past.

What do I mean by that?

Well, I’ve seen my fair share of instances where the past mistakes of men have crippled women, in effect rendering them incapable of opening themselves up to the possibility of love.

A great articulation of this point comes in the form of Lil Wayne’s song “How to Love.” And since this may be the ONLY time we can learn about love from Weezy, I figured it’d be best to promptly capitalize on this moment.

Class is now in session, and will be led by our guest professor Lil Wayne. Pay close attention to these timely love lessons.

Lesson 1- The Past is a Cruel Muthaf*cka.

The Lyrics: “You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever, now you’re in the corner trying to put it together.”

The Fly Analysis:

Along with our pursuit of love comes the chance that things may not work out. It’s a risk that we all take when we open our hearts up to another person. But the subsequent hurt that may or may not happen pales in comparison to the euphoric highs that can be achieved when loving the right person.

That fact alone is why I’ve never understood the self-imposed timeouts that so many women take. (“now you’re in the corner trying to put it together”) When it comes to love, we all rise, we all fall, we all smile, and we all cry … it’s just a part of the journey.

With that being said, you should never remove yourself from the game. Because once you do, you effectively eliminate any chance at meeting the one person that could change your life forever.

Lesson 2- The Past Can Make You Paranoid

The Lyrics: “When you were just a youngin’ your looks were so precious, but now you’re grown up so fly it’s like a blessing. But you can’t have a man look at you for five seconds without you being insecure. You never credit yourself, so when you got older, it seems like it came back ten times over. Now you’re sitting here, in this damn corner, looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder.”

The Fly Analysis:

I’m actually sitting here making a mental list of all of the “paranoid” women that I know. Now, I understand the negative connotation associated with a word like paranoid, so let me quickly explain.

I was once the victim of a pickpocketer. The moment that I realized what happened, I instantly became hyper-vigilant to the point of being paranoid. Every person that came close to me, I instantly assumed the worse. Kid … little old lady … didn’t matter. They were all up to something as far as I was concerned.

I soon realized that this type of behavior was unhealthy. I also realized that my behavior mirrored that of women who immediately assumed that a man was up to no good just because they got hurt in the past.

Just as I had to discover after being robbed, you must also realize that you can’t be paranoid when you meet men. While a healthy dose of common sense does come in handy, you can’t live your life paralyzed by the fear of what MAY happen … that’s the worst possible existence.

Lesson 3- When it comes to relationships, stereotypes are useless.

The Lyrics: “I admire poppin’ bottles and pimpin’ just as much as you admire bartending and stripping.”

The Fly Analysis: Let me know if this sounds familiar: “All men are__________(insert negative saying)______” … “All they want is ___________(insert more negativity—preferably something sexual)_______”

Perhaps the greatest challenge of any man in the dating world is overcoming the stereotypes heaped on him by centuries of hurt, scarred women. And while there are certainly men who deserve the labels thrust upon them, there are many of us who don’t.

So as we get to know each other, I expect you to look at me in the same way that you would expect me to look at you … as a blank canvas. I won’t label you with the some of the negative female stereotypes that you despise, and in return, I would appreciate it if you returned the favor. A new relationship doesn’t stand a chance if you decide otherwise.

Lesson 4- Self-belief is the most powerful belief of them all.

The Lyrics: “See I just want you to know that you deserve the best, you’re beautiful. And I want you to know, you’re far from the usual.”

The Fly Analysis:

I’m not going to belabor this point. The simple fact is that I think you’re beautiful. And yes, if you’re reading these words, then I’m talking to you.

I’m sure you’ve heard countless times that you can’t love someone else until you first love yourself. And while that’s certainly true, I need you to first know that you’re both beautiful and incredibly special.

Why?

Because when I look you in your eyes, and say those very words, I need you to know that it’s true. I need you to believe them more than I do. If you don’t, then you’ll always have doubts about the validity of our relationship, and the integrity of my words.

If those two things are in question, then we’ll never have a chance.

**The Fly Conclusion- There are lessons to be learned with everything in life … even songs by Lil Wayne. I hope you take these lessons, and apply them accordingly. Who knows; it may draw you that much closer to learning “how to love.”

Click below to listen to Lil Wayne’s “How to Love” … the subject of today’s Fly Guy Love Lessons.