So I’m sitting at dinner last night with a woman who to me was brimming with potential. She was smart, successful, driven, funny, and incredibly beautiful. She even possessed those character traits that I prefer, but aren’t necessarily deal breakers: she liked to travel, was knowledgeable about sports, and even preferred using Lever 2000 over other soap brands. (Okay, I’m kidding about the last part, but you get the message that I’m attempting to convey.) This girl seemed to have all of her bases covered. In fact, I was almost sold on her until she made a rather disturbing confession.

“My mother always told me to have an emergency man tucked away, just in case yours decides to act up.”

Silence.

While I would never openly disrespect the way she was raised, I have to say that I was none to happy about her admission. So you mean to tell me that I can bust my ass and do all that’s necessary to keep you happy, but all that I’ll get in return is the knowledge that another dude is waiting in the wings for me to slip up? Now conventional wisdom would say, “just don’t mess up and you’ll have nothing to worry about.” But that isn’t the point.

How would you like it if you showed up at work tomorrow and your boss said, “Listen Lisa, I think you’re doing a bang up job. But just in case your production drops a bit, Cecil over there is ready to take your place at a moment’s notice.”

It’s flat out disrespectful if you ask me, and it infuses an expectation within your relationship that failure is inevitable.

Needless to say, I ended things with her, and informed her that since this wasn’t a presidential election that I wouldn’t be needing a running mate. As I was driving home, I began to wonder how many other men or women were taught the same principles where the safest bet in dating is to have someone on the side … you know, just in case.

If this is you, then make yourself known. If not, then still share your opinion on this dating philosophy.

A friend just text me this quote of the day, and I immediately knew that the women of this site would appreciate it. To the men that frequent Fly Guy Land on the regular, don’t worry; our day is coming. But today belongs to our beautiful women. So ladies, kick back and get your Labor Day weekend off on the right foot with this quote of the day.

(Quote of the Day) Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby. If you give her a house, she will give you a home. If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. Therefore - if you give her crap, you will receive a bucket full of shit. Love and appreciate all the women in your life.

(Note from The Fly Guy: A close friend just sent me an email that I wanted to share with you. What initially began as careless scribbles on her notepad, ended up as a beautiful expression of one woman’s wants and desires … not from Mr. Right, but from love in general. I’m sure more than a few men and women can relate to her thoughts. I look forward to reading your feedback.)
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What’s up my fly friend?

People ask me all the time why “With You” by Chris Brown is my favorite song right now. Is it cheesy? Yeah probably, but I think I am too just a bit. Anyway, I was up tonight working when a friend asked me what I wanted in a relationship. So I put my work to the side, and started writing down what I wanted. Below is what I came up with. I wonder if this stuff is even possible at this stage of life. Then I thought who better to ask than my friend and resident love expert…so what say you Mr. Fly Guy??

L-O-V-E

I want to be crazy, hopelessly and desperately in love

I want to experience butterflies, stomach flip flops and sweaty palms

I want to be sprung and enjoy every delicious mind-blowing moment

I want to throw caution to the wind and let my heart fly like a bird

I want to feel my heart skip a beat when I see his name on my caller ID

I want to love like I’ve never been hurt before and don’t know what it is to have your heart broken

I want to love like a teenager without a care in the world, before the reality of jobs,
responsibility and disappointment set in

I want him to consume my thoughts, where everything reminds me of his smell, his laugh, his walk

I want to blush when he looks at me allow my eyes to light up when he walks in a room turn up love songs on the radio because they remind me of him giggle like a school girl when he smiles at me, experience goosebumps the first time he holds me, hold my breath the first time his lips brush mine for our first kiss

I want to feel my soul melt when he holds me in his arms

I want him to be my baby and I want to be his

I want to close my eyes and daydream about letting him get close to me feeling him pressed against me

**Is this a possibility after being grown and knowing what I know? I’m not sure, but it’s what I want

There was no mistaking the words pumping out of my speakers. These were the distinctive sounds of a man experiencing a foreign emotion. Heartbreak.

“She said that she would be with me forever,” he lamented. “She said I’m in love with you. She said now baby don’t forget … that no one’s going to love you more than I do.”

She lied…

As the shuffle function on my iPod doubled back, and played the song once more, the singer’s pain sank even deeper into the recesses of my soul. The more he sang and pleaded his case for the world to hear, the more it became all too clear that this was nothing more than a songwriter’s fantasy. This would never fly in real life. Why not? Well consider the following:

Do men hurt? Yes.

And is it possible for a man to have his heart irreversibly broken? Absolutely.

But is it also possible for that same man to freely express how crushing the blow was to his psyche without any backlash or his manhood being questioned? Absolutely not.

My first experience with this fundamental lesson about manhood came when my own heart was once broken. The fact that she cheated on me was as shocking as it was crippling … and as unfair as it was embarrassing. How could she have done that to me? In her defense, she pled “guilty by reason of mental defect.” She said that she had realized long ago that she was incapable of being completely faithful to a man. And that even though I had given her everything she could possibly ever hope for in a man, something inside of her still made her want to cheat.

True story.

For the first couple of days following her admission, I was a wreck. But who wouldn’t have been? I even stayed to myself during that period, not wanting to speak to anyone, until my brother finally broke the silence.

“You straight man?”

“Yeah, I’m cool man,” I responded. “She messed me up pretty bad with this one though. So I’m just taking some time to get myself back together again.”

“Oh ok,” he replied blankly. “So…………………….we’re about to go watch the game. Are you coming?”

And that was that. Did my hurt or confusion cease simply because neither he nor any of my friends or family wanted to give me an audience for me to play the victim? Not at all. And over time, I did eventually get over it. But at that very moment, I realized the one truth that most men understand early on when it comes to us being hurt in love and relationships…

No one really wants to hear about it.

Which got me thinking, and eventually brought me to today’s topic of discussion.

The Fly Guy Question of the Day-
Can a man freely express heartbreak without the risk of being labeled soft?
Or is he expected to suck it up, and get over it faster than a woman normally would?

Let me know your thoughts.

Click To Listen To Hi-Five’s “She Said”

Every morning that I rise and attempt to put pen to pad with this column, I do so for one reason only: I love you. With every ounce of my being, I love each and every person that’s ever set their eyes on my work—whether they liked it or not.

But if you’ve ever read my weekly newsletter, then you’re quite familiar with the way I end every column: “Remember, you can never be loved, until you first learn to love yourself.” It sounds a bit clichéd, but in all actuality, many of us have never taken the time to love ourselves properly.

I’m about to change that today though.

Today is “Self Appreciation Day” here at Fly Guy Headquarters. So if you are currently reading my words, then you have to participate. If you decide not to, well then …wait, there are no buts. You have to participate. There is only one rule. You have to take a long, hard look in the mirror, and share with us one reason why you love yourself. I’ll go first.

“I’m the Fly Guy and I love me because I’m not a quitter. Even when the world didn’t believe in me, and when friends and family didn’t believe in me, I continued to believe in myself. I love me because of that fighting spirit.”

Now it’s your turn. Share with us one reason why you love and appreciate yourself. And be serious about it. I don’t want to hear that you love yourself because of the new hair you bought that makes you look like Aaliyah in the “Rock the Boat” video. No, do some serious soul searching, and then share a sincere reason why you honor yourself today.

Note: Not replying isn’t an option. You deserve this, so don’t pass up the opportunity. If you’ve never left a comment on my site before, then today is the day. On your mark. Get set…don’t let me down. Go.

The scenario:

I want to be with you. That much I do know. Your grace, your style; the way you walk and talk … hell, I even like the way you chew on those cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster. As far as I’m concerned, you’re precisely what I want in my life. There’s just one thing that’s holding me back from wholeheartedly pursuing you though…

I’m afraid the feeling won’t be mutual.

I know it sounds crazy, but it’s a legitimate concern of mine. I mean, let’s think about it for a second … What if I put myself out there, and you decide that I’m not the man for you? That’s not something I’m willing to chance. So instead of solely pursuing you on my merits alone, I’ve decided to engage in the age-old art of bragging in hopes that it may convince you to actually give me a shot. I’ve even compiled a list of possible strategies.

**I can tell you about the promotion I got at work, and how they doubled my salary.
**I can mention a cruise I want to go on, and how I just happen to be looking for a travel partner.
**I can bring up the condo I recently bought.
**I can even reveal my desire to take care of your every want and need.

Wait a minute … Why are you shaking your head at me disapprovingly? Isn’t this the way things are done nowadays? Don’t all men make extravagant boasts to women because they’re secretly afraid of rejection? Case in point, listen to T-Pain’s new song “Can’t Believe It” with Lil Wayne. Within the first two minutes of the song, he makes four materialistic promises to the girl just to distract her from looking for any substantive reason to be with him. It went a little something like this…

Promise #1
“I can put you in a log cabin, somewhere in Aspen. Girl [it] ain’t nothing to the Pain, it ain’t trickin’ if you got it, what you asking for?”

Promise #2
“I can put you in a mansion, somewhere in Wisconsin. Like I said, ain’t nothing to Pain, we can change our last names, what’s happenin’?”

Promise #3
“I can put you in a condo, all the way up in Toronto. Baby put you in a fur coat, ridin’ in a Murciélago

Promise # 4
“I’ll put you in a beach house, right on the edge of Costa Rica. Put one of them lil’ flowers in your hair; have you lookin’ like a fly mamacita.”

A Frustrated Man’s Perspective
If it works for T-Pain, then why can’t it work for me? At no point during his song did he promise to be faithful, provide a shoulder to lean on, or even be encouraging towards her career pursuits. That was my old approach to relationships, but look where it got me. Part of me wants to blame women for this current dating climate. After all, they’re the ones that allow men to lure them with this boastful, materialistic approach. Sure, they say they want a noble, chivalrous man; but then they turn around and tell that very man that they aren’t ready to settle down. Then they run off with the guy that was all flash with no substance, who in six months will probably grow tired of her, and move on to the next girl who’s younger, prettier, and more efficient (Don’t ask.) Then they find themselves back at square one complaining about the lack of good men. (Hello … I’m over here.)

So that’s why I’ve decided to employ this new strategy. We’ll see how this approach works. Well ladies, if this is what you really want, then this is what you’re going to get.

The Fly Guy’s Analysis:
Sadly enough, this type of inner dialogue happens with more men than you probably realize. When they constantly see women (even the good ones) being blinded by the flash, or even the promise of flash, it becomes a bit disconcerting to the men who actually want to stand for something. So what should they do? Should they continue along the noble path that appears to be leading nowhere? Or should they join the in-crowd, lose the substance and become like their flashy counterparts who seem to be getting all of the women? Ultimately ladies, it’s up to you.

Now if there is anyone, man or woman that wishes to voice their opinion on this matter; speak now or forever hold your piece. I’d love to hear your thoughts on what a man is supposed to do when faced with such a dilemma. The floor is now yours.

Click Below To Listen To “Can’t Believe It”

I knew it was serious when she called me by my real name. “D, I need to talk to you.” I dropped my pen, looked over, and tried to read her expression to see if maybe I was the source of her angst.

I wasn’t.

“I’m serious. I really need to talk to you about something important.”

It was obvious that whatever this “thing” was, that it was a legitimate concern that was weighing pretty heavily on her. But just to be sure, I tried to lighten the mood to test exactly how dire the circumstances were.

“Listen,” I began. “For the twentieth time, I can’t be the father of your kids. I know you want children that are smart, funny, and incredibly handsome, but I can’t risk messing up our friendship by being your baby daddy. I’m sorry.”

She cracked a slight smile. But her happiness would be short-lived as her face quickly hardened back up. She even bopped me on my shoulder to emphasize the gravity of the matter.

“I’m serious,” she pleaded. “I really need your opinion on this. And anyway, how come you always give strangers great love advice, but when it comes to me, you always crack jokes? Just this once I need you to forget that it’s me, and treat me like I’m one of your readers.”

She had a point. “Okay, you win. What’s going on with you?”

“Do you think that I’m too independent?”

Silence.

“Hello!!! Answer me. I need to know if you think that I’m too independent. And if so, do you think that it’s preventing me from keeping a man?”

Of all the things I was willing to discuss with her, this wasn’t one of them. You see, since this column’s inception over two years ago, the one topic that has caused the most contention between my male and female readers has been the independence of women. And it’s not because men don’t like an independent woman. Instead the problem has been a growing number of women who go above and beyond what’s necessary to proclaim their independence, boasting that “they don’t need a man.” In the end it becomes too much for the man to handle, so he leaves.

Besides, I know my friend. And I know how proud she is of her accomplishments. Hell, I’m proud of her too. But I can only imagine the great lengths that she was probably going through to brag on herself and what she had accomplished. Maybe she gets that from me.

“What makes you think that about yourself,” I asked, attempting to work my way to the root of her problem.

“It’s just been a recurring problem that I seem to be having with men,” she complained. “When they first meet me, all they see is the exterior, and they instantly treat me like I’m wifey material. But as time progresses, and they begin to see that I’m a career woman who’s had her own share of triumphs, they slowly begin to distance themselves from me. I just don’t understand it. You would think that a man would want a successful woman by his side. But that never seems to be the case. If I was content to just be cute, barefoot, and pregnant, then I’d probably have a ring on my finger by now. I’m just so frustrated by dating right now, and I was hoping you could tell me if I was the problem. Am I too independent? Should I be ashamed of my success?”

As the raw pain reverberated through her words, tears began to stream down her face. Seeing her like this was tearing me apart. But what could I possibly say to ease her pain while still being completely honest about her situation? My answer, as it always is, was found by simply speaking from the heart.

“Look at me,” I said, while gently placing my thumb and forefinger on her chin. “I am so proud of you and the accomplishments that you’ve made in your life. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel ashamed of the beautiful woman that you’ve turned out to be. If a man can’t accept you for who you are, then he isn’t worthy to be your king, because I’m standing here looking at a queen. Never let anything or anyone ever rob you of that. But you also don’t have to brag or boast about your success to impress a man either. You know how you always tell me that you wish the world could see everything that’s great about me outside of being the Fly Guy? Well I feel the same way about you. Your career is just a small part of who you are. You’re beautiful, smart, funny, caring … I could go on forever, but the fact remains that you’re just a wonderful woman. Period. And if all of the focus is placed on your career, then it’s hard for someone to fully appreciate all that you are. So just go back to the basics, and be that dynamic woman that I know you are. I’m sure that once you do that, then you’ll begin to see an improvement in the amount of men that appreciate how special you are. If I’m wrong, then I will officially renounce my throne and will no longer be king of Zamunda.”

She smiled, and began to wipe away her tears. At that moment, we connected on a level that had never been experienced between the two of us. It was so deep, and so intense that if this were a Cinemax movie, we probably would have ripped each other’s clothes off while Kenny G played in the background. But this wasn’t a movie. And my response came straight from the heart, and was aimed at healing the wounded heart of my dear friend. I can only hope that my words were precisely what she needed to help her re-embrace the beautiful woman that she is. She didn’t need to use her career as a crutch to prove how special she was. With or without it, she was a queen. Her success was merely the cherry on top.

I can only hope that if there are other independent women currently reading my thoughts, that they too never lose sight of their wholeness. Sometimes it’s so easy to cling to what‘s tangible. Your looks. Your money. Your career. But all of that can either fade away or be wrestled from your grasp with the blink of an eye. But even if that were to happen, there’s still so much more of you that deserves to be loved and appreciated. Never lose sight of that … please never lose sight of that. From the bottom of my heart, I love you … but more importantly, I want you to love you too … all of you.

The Fly Guy Question of the Day:

For the women- How do you express your independence to the men you date? Has your success ever been a problem with men in the past? If so, tell me about it.

For the men- Have you ever had a problem dating a woman that was more successful than you? Why do you think that was? On the flipside, have you ever dated a woman that overdid it when it came to showing how independent she was? Let me know.

Click here to listen to Ne-Yo’s “Ms. Independent”

I’m pretty sure she wants me to kiss her. I mean let’s look at the facts. She’s fumbling with her keys at the door after our date. She keeps reapplying her lip gloss. And then, she’s always smiling and nervously looking away. These are all clear cut signs that she wants me to plant one on her right? And let’s not forget the time she said, “Well, why don’t you kiss me already?” I consider that to be a pretty positive development.

Here’s the thing though…

When a woman wants you to kiss her, she not only wants you to do it … she wants you to do it right. So what better way to learn than to hear it straight from them? Below are some pretty detailed instructions from various women on how they do and don’t like to be kissed. Pay attention.

Make sure she’s willing
“First off, does the date merit a kiss? Am I engaged in conversation with you? Am I smiling? If things seem like a go, a first kiss should be very soft. Please, no tongue! Just kiss my lips with yours. Nip at my bottom lip — just slightly tug it. Don’t be like my last first date, who licked my teeth and got my hair caught in his college ring (come to think of it — never wear a college ring on a date).”
– Alexis Derano, editorial assistant

Brush up
“I think hygiene is key. Before you attempt to kiss me ask yourself: Does your breath smell like pepperoni pizza? I don’t care if we just dined in garlic heaven — a pack of gum or tin of Altoids cost around a buck. Both fit in your pocket. Puh-lease, have fresh breath. I keep Tic-Tacs on me at all times (hint, hint)! If we go back to your place to cuddle and watch a DVD, there is nothing sexier than a guy that excuses himself to the bathroom and emerges smelling like Crest. I once kissed a guy that tasted like tuna fish. We did not go on another date.”
– Donna Tice, accessories buyer

Ration the love
“A little goes a long way, boys! A little lip, a little tongue, a little caressing of my cheekbone. For starters, give me a quick, sexy sweep. Then retreat — do not shove your tongue into my mouth. What I want now are your lips. I want long, solid smooches. Next, pull away and hold the back of my head in your palm. Look into my eyes. I’ll reciprocate — trust me.”
– Kristina Katsulous, account executive

Sneak a peck
“When just getting to know a guy, I like it when he goes in but doesn’t make it to my lips and rather dots my cheek and lip with a long, sweet, I-know-I-like-you peck. Then he pulls away and I likely blush, which is a good sign. On our next formal date, I expect full lip-on-lip contact.”
– Tina Jackson, student

Kiss me in the theater
“Take me to the movies and kiss me (just sweet pecks) at really touching moments, like when the main guy and gal realize they’re meant to be or the puppy gets saved from a burning building. It shows me you’re sensitive and totally tuned into my girly feelings. I’ll kiss you when your team scores a basket — promise.”
– Rachelle King, sales associate

Watch the hands
“Do not take my hands and put them in inappropriate places on your body while we are sharing a kiss. If I like you, my hands will be caressing your brow or tucked under your collar. And I love it if your hands are resting on my hips, holding the back of my head, sweeping my cheek with a soft, open palm, or holding my hands (personal favorite). It ruins a kiss if you take your hands and go rushing to different places. If I like you… we’ll get there.
– Willow Roberts, photographer

Sweep her off her feet — literally
“This is a little cheesy, but I love Hollywood kisses. Completely, over-the-top, theatrical kisses. Hold me, dip me, kiss me. It shows me you love to have fun (like me), and it’s so romantic. Hollywood kisses are also a great distraction from petty arguments, by the way.”
– Laura Gowzen, personal trainer

Just do it!
“My best advice is so simple: Go for it. If you get that urge, and I don’t seem that into it, who cares? Maybe I’m just zoned out for some reason, or maybe I am into you and you just aren’t picking up on my very subtle vibes. I’ve been sneak-attacked a lot with a kiss, and nine times out of ten, it turns me on!”
– Jaz Valte, publicist

** The quotes come courtesy of Christine M. Coppa; a writer for Glamour, Boston Home & Garden, In Touch, etc.

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Now it’s your turn. Give us some insight on how you like to be kissed.

You’ve checked back in with me from time to time, and I’ve given you the exact same thing. “She’s In Love With Another Man,” with no new content. You’ve even voiced your concerns to me through private emails, the likes of which were wide-ranging…

“What’s up with you Fly Guy?”

“Are you okay Fly Guy? Did you get robbed by that vicious gang of midgets that’s been on the news? You know the ones that have been beating people up and stealing their laptops. Is that what happened to you?”

Ok, maybe not the last one, but your concerns were still very real. And what did you get from me in return?

Silence.

But isn’t that what happens far too many times in relationships? You find yourself searching for answers as to what’s going on with the other person, and they offer you nothing to go on. And much like the gangster midget scenario, you begin to let your imagination get the best of you.

Well I don’t want things to be like that within our relationship. (Yes, you and I are engaged in a very intimate relationship where we stimulate each other mentally.) So allow me to reopen the channels of communication between the two of us. My travel schedule has been extremely hectic over the past few days, so instead of half doing my job, I decided to wait until I could give you the Fly Guy that you’ve grown accustomed to. So now that I’m back (although I’m still currently stuck in my hotel in LA getting a little stir crazy) I’d like to stick with this communication issue within the context of romantic relationships.

Today’s Fly Question:

Has communication ever been the main problem within your relationship? If so, tell me what happened, and how things were eventually resolved.

Also, have you ever been guilty of making up your own conclusions when the communication with your loved one was virtually nonexistent? Were you accurate in your assumptions, or were you far off like our midget mafia story from earlier?

Wouldn’t it be a relief to finally understand what is happening behind her pretty eyes? Why is it, for example, that the woman in your life is serene one moment, apocalyptic the next? How can she remember details about your life you don’t even recall? And what’s with her taking everything so personally? Chalk it up to female brain chemistry. Here’s how to tailor your courtship to her cortex, hippocampus, etc.

Pay attention to the little things
She’ll see shades of meaning in small gestures, because significant regions of the cortex — the outer layer of a brain that conducts much of its high-level computing — are thicker in the ladies. Therefore, an off-hand comment like, “I’d rather watch the game” might say more than you meant it to. Likewise, a small act of kindness (from a kiss on the cheek to simply calling ahead to make reservations) will blow her away because she’ll consider both the gesture and the thoughtfulness behind the gesture.

To keep up with her memory, take notes
It’s a scientific fact: Women remember everything. The hippocampus takes up a larger percent of the female brain than the male brain, which is good to know because it’s where memories are formed. So while you remember, maybe, the day you met, she’s recorded your first flirtation, first phone call, first date, first kiss, etc. Bottom line? There’s a reason the PDA and the Google calendar were invented: Use these electronic tools to keep up with her mighty hippocampus.

Follow her calm lead versus instigating bar fights
She’s much better at reining in her aggressive impulses than you are. Doctors at the University of Pennsylvania measured the size of the orbitofrontal cortex, an area of the brain involved in regulating emotions. They then compared it with the size of the amygdala, which creates emotional reactions to events. They discovered that female brains have a much larger orbitofrontal-to-amygdala ratio (OAR) than male brains do. That suggests women are better than guys at responding calmly to rudeness or aggression. “The orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) is the main ‘modulator’ of amygdala action,” explains researcher Ruben Gur. “So if you are at a party and someone insults you, the amygdala, which is a very primitive and old structure in human brains, will be yelling ‘Kill the guy!’ The OFC is the part of the brain that will say: ‘Consider the context; there are people around.’” Thus, if you want to impress her, quiet your own amygdala and behave as gracefully as she does.

Write her a poem or at least a cute email
“Women excel in something called verbal fluency, or being able to come up with appropriate words, given cues,” says Dr. Larry Cahill of the University of California at Irvine. In general, women’s brains are wired to be more language-centric than men’s. Researchers at McMaster University found that female brains have a greater density of neurons in parts of the temporal lobe cortex, which is the area of the brain associated with language processing and comprehension. This could help explain why women often know the right thing to say, send great cards and love notes, and choose words with such care. In wooing a love interest, it wouldn’t hurt to get the help of a trusted female friend. She’ll know just what to say.

Be her serotonin
Women’s brains produce significantly less serotonin — the brain chemical that helps make us happy — than male brains do. So if she has a tough day at work, treat to her to a transfusion: Try a pep talk, soothing back rub or long hug.
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Laura Schaefer is the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor: The Best and Worst Personal Ads of All Time.