Dear Fly Guy

Losing Hope

Dear Losing Hope,

As much as I know you don’t want to hear this, the greatest thing that will help you while dating as a single mother is patience. Most single mothers hate it when I say that, but it’s the truth. It’s going to take a lot more discernment on your part to make sure that you are getting involved with a man that will not only will be good for you, but also has the potential to one day be a positive figure in your child’s life. There are so many cases of women who quickly get involved with a man without looking at the bigger picture. They selfishly date strictly for their needs without thinking about how things may play out down the road if things did eventually get serious. You can’t live like that though, because whoever enters your life will also affect your daughter both directly and indirectly. Even if she never meets the man, mommy crying or mommy fussing on the phone with some random guy will almost certainly leave a lasting impression on her. So patience and selectivity is a must in your dating process. There will surely be days when you’re frustrated–like today–but in the end being patient and prudent is the correct path to take.

As far as a dating manual, I find that participating in activities with your child where other parents are involved often brings opportunities to meet other single parents who have an affinity towards children. Outside of that, I’d find groups that meet regularly that don’t necessarily cater towards singles, but instead provide outlets for people that enjoy the same activities as you. While these steps won’t necessarily guarantee that you’ll find Mr. Right, they will place you in a better position to meet someone that you can potentially build with. I hope this helps.

The Fly Guy

(Note: I finally touched back down in Atlanta after some time in Los Angeles, and figured there was no time like the present to answer some letters from my mailbag.)

Dear Fly Guy,

Tired Of Games

Dear Tired of Games,

First, let me start by saying that I’m sorry. Why? Well for starters, I’m sorry that you found yourself involved with a coward. At the end of the day that’s all he is. There’s no other way to describe someone who’s afraid to admit that he’s met someone else. To me, that’s the only logical explanation for his sudden change in behavior. You’re obviously better off without him, as he wasn’t as invested in the relationship as you initially thought.

On another note, I’m also sorry that he has seemingly tainted your perception of men. We don’t all play games, and there actually are some good men still out here like myself, Morgan Freeman, and that one black dude from Color Me Badd. Oftentimes, it’s just hard to spot the good ones, as the bad ones have a tendency to impair your vision and cloud your eyes with cynicism. In time, it’s my hope that you can clear your mind of his cowardly act, and move forward with the full confidence of knowing that a good man is on the way. Good luck.

The Fly Guy
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Dear Fly Guy

Losing Hope

Dear Losing Hope,

I pray this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but it sounds to me like you could use a boost in the self esteem department. My reasoning behind such an assertion was the tone of your letter. You seem to be unhappy with yourself, and as a result, you blame yourself for your current dating situation. While I’m sure there are areas in your life that you can improve upon, having such a negative outlook will never breed positive results. So before you do anything else, you need to work to rediscover what makes you special, and use that to begin the process of falling in love with you all over again. Over time, you’ll find that men will want to love you in the same way that you love yourself.

You see, self doubt (which is what you exhibited in your letter) is something that can be easily read and preyed upon. A lesser man can spot that you’re having doubts about yourself, and use that to his advantage. So don’t continue to torture yourself about everything that’s not right with you. At the end of the day, we’re all flawed and fall very short of perfection’s mark. So keep pushing forward, continue to love yourself, and remember that you are unique and beautiful in your own way. The rest will eventually fall into place. But you have to believe that first. Stay in touch.

The Fly Guy
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Dear Fly Guy

So Confused,
Casual Girl

Dear Casual Girl,

Upon reading your letter, I began to hum the old Negro spiritual, “Slow down … I just want to get to know you.” You see, while the other slaves were singing for their freedom, Bobby Valentino instead longed for the everlasting bond of love—a concept that’s obviously far from your mind at this point in time. Fortunately or unfortunately for you (depending upon how you look at it,) it’s easy to find men that are willing to concede to your “sex and nothing else” demands.

However, this current guy that you’re dealing with is not one of them. He wants a relationship with you. Period. Your behavior with him suggests that you want a relationship too … whether you’re ready to admit it or not. My advice for you in the interim is simple enough: Be careful what you wish for. Your desire for strictly sexual relationships will eventually catch up with you. If you continue at this torrid sexual pace, I can’t promise that any man will ever take you seriously when you are ready to settle down. That’s just how we’re built. So if you continue to live your life as is, be aware of the dangers that may lie ahead. Be safe, and please use protection.

The Fly Guy

Dear Fly Guy,

I want to thank you for all of the help you’ve offered me over the past couple of years. I’ve noticed that the people on your site are very vocal about their opinions on love and relationships. Can you pose this question to them from me?
Am I the only one who has a problem dealing with the emotions of past relationships? I often find myself full of regret, hurt, frustration and a host of other emotions, both good and bad. What makes it even worse is if I see them out with someone else, and they look happier than they did when they were with me. Then all types of emotions bubble to the surface, and I’m literally a wreck for days on end.

Well anyway, if you could ask them that question, and get their feedback, I’d really appreciate it. I want to know if there are other people out there like me, or if I really am just a habitual over thinker. Thanks Fly Guy. Your site has really been such a big help to me. God bless you.

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**Ok Fly Guy readers; you know what you have to do. Help your fellow reader out, by offering your take on her dilemma. If you’ve never commented before, there’s no better time than the present.

Hey Fly Guy,

Any thoughts?
Fit and Frustrated

Dear Fit and Frustrated,

I think you’re just fine the way you are. You seem to possess a healthy balance between your femininity and your desire to stay in great shape. Listen, no matter how he tries to make you feel, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being physically fit. You know, your story reminds me of the time I used to manage Diddy. He was doing just fine being a “producer” but no … he kept feeling the pressure from the outside world to be a rapper too. And we all know how that turned out. (His last album should have been called “Press Stop” instead.)

My point behind the random Diddy reference is this: You can’t let anyone else dictate who you are, and how you should live your life. Your boyfriend’s insecurities have little to do with you, and everything to do with him. So try having an honest conversation with him to get to the root of his issues. If you find out that he isn’t man enough to deal with a girlfriend who can probably kick his ass, then you need to find a man who can. But don’t apologize for you who are, or change just to appease someone who’s obviously being petty. Stay strong and stay encouraged.

The Fly Guy

Dear Fly Guy,

LA Angel

Dear LA Angel,

I don’t particularly care for the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater.” In my opinion, that’s like saying “once fat, always fat,” or “once broke, always broke.” While there are certainly cases when those statements do ring true, there have also been more than enough instances where those same theories were discredited.

From my own personal experience, I can admit that I was once a habitual cheater. At the time, you couldn’t pay me to be faithful.
But over time, something changed within me, and I could no longer bear the thought of hurting a woman in that manner.

In your particular case, it all comes down to his actions. He can’t simply say that he’s changed, and expect that to be the end of the discussion. Words without action are about as worthless as that autographed Sisqo album I tried to pawn a couple of weeks ago. So if he’s actively exhibiting the behavior of a man that’s turned over a leaf then give him a shot, cross your fingers, and hope for the best. Keep me posted.

The Fly Guy

Dear Fly Guy

Thanks

Dear Guy (whose name shall never be published),

So what are the signs of a break up? Well let’s start with everything that you just named. If your relationship has pushed you to this point, then it’s definitely time for you to exit stage left. You should never stay in a relationship just to prove that you can tough things out. There are plenty of things in life that are designed to prove your toughness. But staying in an incredibly bad relationship isn’t one of them. So try mountain climbing, bungee jumping, or if you really want to live on the edge, watch a Ben Affleck movie marathon. Make it through any one of those, and you’re a certified tough guy.

But as far as your relationship goes, I think you know what your next move should be. Now am I saying that you should never stick around during the bad times in a relationship? Absolutely not; but it’s painfully obvious that you’re past the point of relational rehabilitation. I think you should leave. Let me know what you decide.

The Fly Guy

Dear Fly Guy,

Juwann

Dear Juwann,

This email will be extremely brief. No matter how many times he apologizes, no man should ever violently put his hands on a woman. Never. There are just certain things that can never be forgiven … which is why things may never be the same between myself and Keyshia Cole following her performance at this year’s BET Awards. That was absolutely inexcusable.

In all seriousness though, I suggest you get out while you can. That shove into the wall may end up being just the tip of the iceberg. Please be safe, and keep me posted.

The Fly Guy

Dear Fly Guy,

Heartbroken Marie

Dear Heartbroken Marie,

I’m not sure if you were aware of this, but jealousy destroys more happy homes than finances and Karrine “Superhead” Steffans combined. (OK, maybe not the last one, but you understand what I’m saying.) In your letter, you asked where you should start, and I would suggest with your jealousy. Trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and if you can’t trust him, then there’s no hope for this relationship to ever work.

So you need to ask yourself where this jealousy is coming from. If he is giving you a legitimate reason to be upset, then he should be the one trying to win you back, and not the other way around. But if this jealousy is all in your head, then you need to do some soul-searching to discover why you’re acting this way. Because even if this relationship doesn’t work, your jealousy can follow you into your future relationships …which will create this problem all over again. So try to nip that in the bud, so it won’t be a recurring problem. Once you deal with that, then I’m sure the two of you can begin to revisit the possibility of having a life together … but not a moment sooner. Good luck.

The Fly Guy

Dear Fly Guy,

Dazed & Confused

Dear Dazed & Confused,

This may not be what you want to hear, but your man is selfish. Point blank, period. You are absolutely right when you say that a good woman is there through the good and bad times, but for me that’s only applicable when the other person is equally sacrificing to make the relationship work. I see no evidence of your boyfriend even remotely thinking about your needs—which is even more messed up than the time Al Sharpton borrowed my mother’s curling iron only to never return it. At the end of the day, you have to make sure that you are happy. So if he continues to string you along, then you’re going to have to find that happiness elsewhere. I know that 5 years is a long time, but you can’t be left in a holding pattern forever. You did the right thing by giving the ring back. Now you just have to stick to your guns, and see if he comes around. If he doesn’t, then you can walk away with a clear conscience. Keep me posted.

The Fly Guy

Dear Fly Guy,

Rhonda

Dear Rhonda

Don’t worry…I’m not laughing at you right now. I am a bit concerned about one glaring omission from your letter. At no point did you ever actually address how you feel about him. There was never an “I love him Fly Guy,” or a “We really connect on so many levels” anywhere in your letter. The only true explanation that you gave was his ability to style your hair and fly you around the world. That reasoning is about as suspect as Beyonce writing all of her own lyrics.

It’s a part of casual conversation to ask what someone does for a living. Your discomfort in the questions of others, suggests that you too have doubts about his sexuality. If you were truly confident that he wasn’t gay, then it wouldn’t matter what his job was. He could make his living by being Elton John’s personal towel boy, but it wouldn’t matter if you were truly sure. I think you have to do some real soul-searching before you continue on in this relationship. Try to get to the real reason why you are still stuck on such an insignificant detail. Whatever you decide though, I wish you nothing but happiness.

The Fly Guy