Over the past few years, I’ve attempted to accurately define the true meaning of love. And while I’ve gotten close to nailing it a time or two, I don’t think I’ve ever completely hit a homerun with my prose. I occasionally kick myself for what I perceived to be literary shortcomings…

But then I read the words of Bob Marley. I instantly realized that God wasn’t giving me the perfect words, because they were already given to Marley. Check out his words below, and tell me if you agree on the magnificence of this expression.

________________________________

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
- Bob Marley

Let me be candid for a moment: while lasting love is the ultimate end goal to your relationship journey, there are a few things that you’ll have to give up the moment you decide to commit. Some concessions will be good, and others … well, let’s just say that they’ll take a little getting used to.

So without further adieu, let’s take a look at five things that a man has to give up once he commits. (Fly Note: Women feel free to take this list and apply it to your own situation.)

1. Your Lack of Accountability

Before you jumped headfirst into the deep waters of commitment, your actions often went unchecked. Whatever you wanted to do (within the confines of the law, of course), you could do it and not worry about how it was going to make another person feel.

But once you decide to commit, you instantly have another set of feelings that you have to take into consideration. So those weekend camping trips with the talent from your local strip club will now be a distant memory … that is, if you want to avoid the loss of teeth.

2. Your Personal Space

I’m a firm believer that maintaining your personal space is a must in order to preserve your relationship sanity.  By that same token though, I’m also not naïve enough to believe that you won’t have to concede some part of that space the moment you commit to someone.

The truth is, relationships are all about your ability to share your time, space and heart with another person. So yes, you’re going to have to give up some of your Friday nights, some of those Vanilla Wafers you love so much, and probably the left side of your bed.

That just comes with the territory.

3. Any Female Friends

“End of the Road” … “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday” …

Take your pick from two of my favorite Boyz II Men songs as they both apply to the future state of your miscellaneous friendships with other women.

Now there may be an isolated case or two where your new love will begrudgingly allow your relationship with another woman to continue. But those are few and far between, and they usually require a notarized letter from your Congressman to let it fly.

So say goodbye to Tonya, Keisha, Stacy, and that cute little bow-legged waitress who works at Applebee’s.

4. Your Singular Identity

As soon as word gets out that you’re officially off the market, the expectation then becomes that the two of you will always be together. So brace yourself for the “where’s your girl” questions that are sure to come whenever you decide to venture out alone.

I’m sure your boys will be the main culprits when it comes to this … but that’s ok. It’s just their indirect, ball-busting way of acknowledging this new phase of your life.

5. The Unlimited Text and Email Option on Your Phone

Remember when your phone could be mistaken as your significant other?  Ahh, the good ole days … back when you texted and emailed about as often as Lindsay Lohan got arrested. That type of behavior, however, will be curbed the moment you commit.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. In today’s cyber age, it’s easy to become overly dependant on your devices. But thankfully, you now have a girlfriend who will gently (or not) remind you that it’s time to put the phone down.

The Fly Outlook

When I first announced that I was writing on this particular subject, my Twitter account was set ablaze by a host of women who were all sure that I was about to bash their sisterhood.

But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Like any important decision in life, one must be aware of the changes that come along with relational commitment. As much as you might like them to, things just can’t stay the same. So before you take that step to commit, be absolutely sure that you’re ready for what comes with it.

I think I’m done for now … can the church say Amen?

First things first, I’m a fan of Beyoncé. It’s hard not to respect and appreciate the talents of someone who works as hard as she does. With that said, I was really curious to hear her new single, “Run the World (Girls).” In fact, I’m not even sure if there’s been as much fervor surrounding a release since T.I. got out of jail for the second time. (wait … maybe it was the third time he got out that I’m thinking of.)

Anyway, the song is officially out, and has the potential to be a summer club anthem. Why? Well, with the song, every woman is now armed with lyrically danceable ammunition for their widely held belief that women run the world.

Don’t believe me? Ask any woman that question, and I’m 97.2% sure that her answer will range along the lines of “umm, women run the world … you didn’t know?”

And while I don’t have the space in this column to directly address that premise, I do have a follow-up question…

“If women run the world, then who runs the relationship?”

That, my friends, is today’s million-dollar question. The answer to which I’ve decided to break down so it can forever be broken (shout out to Larenz Tate … wherever you are).

So who runs things when it comes to relationships? The easy answer is … drum roll please … men.

Now before you huff and puff, allow me to further explain this belief with 3 basic points.

Fly Point #1: Women Want A Strong Man

Regardless of what’s being said at the biweekly “We Don’t Need A Man” National Summit, the average woman is quick to admit her unquestioned desire to have a strong man in her life.

Is this an admission of weakness? Of course not. In fact, I think it’s a reflection of the opposite.

I mean, think about it…

With so many beautifully talented women spending their days as bosses—which can range from running a company, to heading a household as a single parent—the one place that a woman is more than happy to relinquish some control is with her significant other.

She doesn’t want a boss or a daddy. She simply wants a man who is both capable and competent enough to take the lead in the relationship. In all honesty, the average woman has other things to think about, and would rather not be forced to decide if the two of you are going to eat Mexican food or Captain D’s.

At the end of the day, she’d much rather sit in the passenger seat while her man responsibly drives the action.

Fly Point #2: Women Who Do Run the Relationship Are Typically Unhappy

Occasionally, I run across women whose personalities are so dominant that they can’t help but run their relationships. You know the type: naturally assertive and borderline bossy. And while outside appearances would have you believing otherwise, these women are typically unhappy.

Let’s be honest for a minute. How can one really enjoy a relationship if the majority of their days are spent secretly (and sometimes openly) questioning their significant other’s manhood?

Allow me to answer that for you … that type of relationship can’t be enjoyed.

That’s why I sincerely believe that if the right opportunity presented itself for these women, they would gladly leave their current situation for the greener pastures of a man who possessed the backbone described in Fly Point #1.

Fly Point #3: Women Decide Sex; Men Decide Marriage

It’s at this point of the conversation where I’m expecting some of you to tune me out. And that’s not because I’m saying anything particularly wrong or offensive … some people just tune you out halfway through a conversation when they don’t agree with you (hello Republicans and Democrats.)

So if you fall in that category, them I’m pretty sure you won’t read this next statement:

“When it comes to decision-making, women decide if you’ll sleep together. Men decide if you’ll get married.”

Ouch.

I sent that out as a half-joking tweet a few weeks back, but as time has passed, I’m more inclined to adopt it as my own personal belief.

Here’s the deal: Outside of isolated incidents (i.e. Jim Jones and his lady), the lions share of marriages happen when the man decides to muster up enough courage to get down on one knee and ask the big question.

Now, of course, women play a huge role in the moments leading up to that decision, but at the end of the day, the man still has to “man up” and place the ring on your finger.

So while women hold all of the cards when it comes to sex—which, by the way is a pretty big deal in itself—men hold the greatest relational trump card … that is, the card that can make the relationship permanent.

So what does this all mean?

For starters, it means that I’m going into protective custody, just in case I upset the wrong people with this piece. (And by wrong people, I mean my mother and aunts … they like to hit people.)

In all seriousness though, there’s nothing wrong with a woman letting her man lead the way in the relationship. By that same token, a man has to also recognize that he’s leading the way … not running a dictatorship.

As men, it’s an awesome responsibility to have women entrust us with the pace and overall trajectory of the relationship. It’s a job where we’ve messed up many times before, but it’s ultimately a role that I believe we’re designed for. It’s also a role that I can only hope that we begin to approach with the passion and humility that it deserves.

I could seriously keep talking about this … but I think I’d rather go get a burrito bowl from Chipotle instead.

Right now though, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic. Who runs relationships? Men or women … sound off.

Find me a man who has been in love, and I’ll find you one who’s made countless relationship mistakes. Now as much as I would like to profess our faultlessness in all things love related, that couldn’t be further from the truth. As men, we mess up … it’s as simple as that.

So in an effort to help the brotherhood get its collective act together, I’ve decided to highlight 5 Common Relationship Mistakes Made by Men. (Don’t worry women; your day in the hot seat is coming soon.)

1. Once you get her, you begin to slack off.

In the beginning, you were a model citizen. You were caring, attentive, and even performed the unthinkable … as in, you snuggled up and watched a “Basketball Wives” marathon. (Oh, the horror.)

By doing those things, you proved your capacity to be the perfect guy. The only problem is you haven’t kept it up. Now, the only time that you resemble a gentleman is when you remember to put the toilet seat down … and that only happens sometimes.

2. You get too serious, too fast.

strong>4. She runs the relationship.

I have yet to meet a woman who desires a man with no backbone. In fact, nothing decreases sex drive more than a man who’s incapable of standing up for himself. My grandmother always told me that a woman wants a man, not a puppy. Yet sadly, some men believe that the only way they can keep a woman around is by doubling as her pet, and agreeing with everything that she says. Big mistake buddy … big mistake.

5. The relationship is going nowhere.

Perhaps the greatest mistake that a man can make is believing that his woman is interested in being a career girlfriend. If a year passes, and no forward progress is made, you will certainly hear about it. In her eyes, your desire to keep the relationship in neutral is an even bigger mistake than Lamar Odom posing shirtless for a unisex perfume commercial.

The Fly Conclusion: Now that I’ve outlined the common relationship mistakes made by men, a choice must be made. Will you continue to be snared by these common relational pitfalls? Or will you learn from the mistakes of others, and get your act together? For your sake, and for the sake of your relationship, I pray you choose the latter.

Next week, we’ll discuss common relationship mistakes made by women … all 27 of them. (just kidding … or am I?)

As the words left her mouth, I could sense that it was something that had been troubling her for a while. I mean, there was absolutely no reason for her to doubt my sincerity, but I wasn’t about to turn this into a “you need to believe me” type of conversation. No, this was about her feelings, so I wanted to acknowledge them.

So I thought for a split second, and then proceeded to explain my feelings.

“Hey, do you remember when we were watching that Waka Flocka Flame interview, and he said that he was going back to school to study geometry?”

She smiled. “Yes, I remember.”

“Well, you see that right there? … that thing that you just did? That’s why I’m so into you. Every time that I see your smile, I’m instantly reminded of life’s sweetest melodies.”

Her smile grew brighter.

“It gets hard to know what real or what’s fake in this world. But when I see your smile, that’s the one thing that makes sense to me … it’s the one thing that always feels authentic. It’s also a smile that gives way to one of the most incredible women that I’ve ever met. And the closer we get, the more amazing you become. But oddly enough, I already knew that you would be great … I knew from the moment I first saw you smile.”

She sat there speechless.

“Now do you have any other questions, or is this interrogation over?”

She smiled again. “Yes, you’re officially off the hook.”

God, I love her smile … and now she knows it.

Fly Note: I wish that more women would embrace their most beautiful trait—that of a sincere smile. You know, when I think about beautiful smiles, songs like this come to mind:

**Special shout to the incredibly talented Courtney aka SonniDdotcom. Thanks for letting me borrow your beautiful smile for this piece. Make sure you follow her on Twitter.

Jon B feat. Babyface : “Someone To Love”


___________________________

And for those of you that missed it, here’s the interview with Wacka.

My heart aches …

And my soul remains despondent …

The rest of me just resembles a former shell of itself—a now unfortunate collection of cursed molecules that no longer understands its place nor purpose in this universe. There was actually a time when I sincerely believed that my sole purpose in life was to love you with everything that I had within me. And I did that … I swear I did.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough.

So now I’m empty … left with nothing but a heart that still aches, and a watch that reminds me of happier times.

I officially hate this watch now.

It’s as if I can hear the second hand obnoxiously ticking … TICK … TICK … TICK … TICK … always ticking; always reminding me of the precious seconds that have slipped away since you were last in my arms. (2 months, 5 days and 17 hours to be exact.)

You know, my mother once told me that time heals all wounds; but neither time nor distance has proven to be an adequate remedy for this dull pain that now consumes me. This incessant suffering has led me to the realization that the only thing that’s capable of alleviating this pain is you coming back to me.

So I pray that you’re somewhere reading this; and I selfishly pray that you’re in search of a similar cure for your own case of the blues. If that be the case, then stop reading this right now, and just come see me.  I’m sure that our love can overcome whatever problems pushed us away in the first place.

But if that’s not the case … and if you’ve moved on and are now comfortably settled in a beautiful life without me, then I pray that this message self destructs—forever wiping itself from your memory.

So until the time comes when our paths either will or won’t cross again, I’ll be here … waiting on you … hopeful that my distant lover will come back home.

Today’s Heartbreak Feature: Marvin Gaye’s “Distant Lover”

As the words left her mouth, it was almost as if I could hear a chorus of women standing behind her, ready to take up her cause. This stance is nothing new though. Ask any woman to describe what she desires in a man, and more often than not, adjectives like real and honest will somehow make their way into the conversation. And it’s not like I can even blame women for having that desire. After all, those are qualities that we should all strive to possess.

The irony of it all is that while women expect men to engage in complete honesty, the same can’t be said for how some women present themselves to men. While their words may be truthful, nothing else about them appears to be authentic in any way. From their eyes, to their hair, body and other physical attributes, some women go to great lengths to create an alternate version of themselves. It’s gotten to the point where men have to openly question if a woman is “real or not.”

But why are women doing this? Is there a belief that this is what a man wants? Or are they simply attempting to mask their own insecurities? One thing’s for certain; the more I talk to other men, the more I realize that I’m not alone in my displeasure with this alarming upward trend of “fake” women. In today’s piece, I’ve decided to analyze some of the many ways that women make themselves up, and share what men from around the country have to say about it.

______________________________

Eyelashes

“I’ll never forget the time when this girl that I was dating spent the night. Things were going well, until I woke up the next morning. I looked over and saw that her fake eyelashes had come off and were lying on her cheek. It looked like she had little creatures on her face. That was the first time that I wasn’t attracted to her. I want to wake up to the same person that I fall asleep to. She just seemed fake to me.” –Adrian, Chicago

Butt Injections

“Why are women getting butt injections? I don’t understand it. Do they think that’s what we want? Maybe if she was a stripper it would be cool, but I don’t want to be sleeping next to a woman with a fake booty. Aren’t those things flammable?” –Jared, Houston

Body Magic

“Women want a man that is physically fit, when it looks like she robbed an ice cream truck and broke into the Twinkie factory.” –Erik, Atlanta

“I remember dating this girl and thinking that she had a nice shape. It wasn’t until we decided to get physical that I learned the truth. As we undressed, she had something underneath … I think it was one of those Body Magic things. Once she took it off, I was speechless. It looked like she had been hiding a small child under there.” –Anton, Philly

Butt Pads

“A woman shouldn’t wear a butt pad unless she is a professional figure skater, and doesn’t want to hurt herself if she falls.” –Marlon, Los Angeles

Lacefront Wigs

“When I see those things, I always wonder what else isn’t real about the girl. It’s gotten so bad, that I’m almost expecting a woman to put her teeth in a cup by the bed, and unscrew her leg like on I’m Gonna Git You Sucka.” –Ty, Chicago

______________________________

The Outlook

Technically speaking, a man could blatantly lie to a woman, and she wouldn’t have the grounds to be upset … well not if she was misrepresenting herself in any of the aforementioned ways above. I mean, be honest; is either type of lie really ok? I contend no. At the end of the day, there needs to be more honesty across the board—from both men and women. If a woman wants to know the truth when she asks a guy if he’s seeing anyone else, then he should also get the truth about the color of her eyes or the size of her waste.

Simply put, if both sides began coming to the table with a more honest representation of themselves, then things might work out better for all parties involved. At least, that’s what I believe.

What are your thoughts?

Allow me to reintroduce myself. If you believe in things like birth certificates or the facts on a driver’s license, then my name is DeWayne Rogers—middle child of three, and product of a mother and father who have been “happily” married for 35 years. I put happily in quotation marks, because like any couple that has been together for that long, they’ve experienced their fair share of ups and downs.  Some days you’d swear the characters Heathcliff and Claire Huxtable were modeled after my parents. But then on other days, I seriously wondered as a child if my parents were going to make it.

Thankfully, they did.

By witnessing their ability to persevere, my own perspective on love and relationships was born. My baptism in the waters of the Rogers’ household taught me the harsh realities of love—realities that dispelled my initial belief that true love was easy.

Through the help of my parents, I learned that it was actually quite the opposite … love was far from easy. Truth be told, a far more fitting adjective for love would be “resilient.” Say it with me: RESILIENT. That would describe my parents. You see, they never believed in giving up on each other, and by doing so, they provided their children with a living, breathing example of love.

I appreciate them for that.

Unfortunately, every child isn’t privy to that type of upbringing. And you know what? It shows.

It shows by the way we treat each other.
It shows by the way we disrespect each other.
And it most certainly shows by the way we constantly give up on each other.

In my heart, I knew something had to change.

The Birth of a Fly Guy

Although I can’t remember the exact moment that I officially began to label myself as “The Fly Guy,” I can safely say that the transformation began a little more than 4 years ago. At the time, I was in search of a professional identity, and in the midst of that search, I woke up to find my love life in shambles.

The woman that I had pledged my life and my love to had stopped believing in us, and had expressed as much by “spending time” with other men. That was the first and only time that I had ever experienced a broken heart, so you can imagine what I was going through. But what’s interesting is that I never became depressed, and I never swore off love … I just couldn’t … I believed in it too much.

**I believed that when expressed properly, love was God’s most beautiful creation.
**I believed in love’s regenerative powers—that even though I was temporarily hurt, my heart would be renewed.
**I believed that we all on some level desire to share a fulfilling relationship with another person.

With those fundamental beliefs in tow, I began to write. And by sharing the outpouring of my heart, I discovered a genuine calling on my life. Today, I sincerely believe that part of my “life’s work” is to assist in the world’s rediscovery of healthy, authentic, resilient relationships.

I understand that the work is far from done. And I also understand that I’m battling with my own personal issues that sometimes get in the way of the work. But as I continue to work on me, I pray that you’ll see past my shortcomings and accept the spirit of my message.

So now that we’ve been formally reintroduced, feel free to call me whatever feels right. If Fly Guy feels good, then go for it. And if DeWayne is more your speed, then I’ll certainly respond. Just know that whatever you decide to call me, I promise to answer you and to address your needs to the best of my abilities.

I stand before you today as a man who selfishly wants us to be united by one common bond. Love.

Fin … for now.

You know what our main problem is when it comes to relationships? We don’t say what we really mean any more. There’s just way too much beating around the bush for my tastes. That’s why I found it refreshing to watch a video where the guy explicitly expressed what he had planned for his woman.

Say whatever you will about the video, but from now on, when I express myself to women, I’m going to make sure that I say exactly what’s on my mind … in the most respectable way of course. (My mother wouldn’t have it any other way.)

Check out the video.

I recently hung out with actor/comedian Marlon Wayans in Los Angeles, as we worked to produce a cover shoot for Rolling Out Magazine (visit here). Towards the end of our time, we got a chance to jump into my favorite topic, love and relationships. Check out Marlon as he shares his perspective on a litany of topics that range from his first date, to a man’s strategy for winning a woman’s heart. Enjoy.