Can A Man Freely Express Heartbreak?

My father’s influence on my development as a man has been profound. The funny thing about that is I never realized it … well, not until just now. When it came to my parents, my dad was by far the more reserved one, always patiently waiting to swoop down and administer punishment while my mother handled the day-to-day coaching.

But as I look at my life, I’m now acutely aware that my actions and my perspectives reflect more of my father’s worldview than that of my mother. Simply put, I am my father’s child.

I’ve even found that his influence most often rears its head when it comes to matters of the heart. As things presently stand, we’re both blessed with the ability to express our emotions—my father is a pastor, while I write for a living—but we both choose not to at times … especially when those feelings show any sign of vulnerability. You see, in my dad’s world, and in the world of many like-minded men, expressions like hurt, pain and heartbreak aren’t welcomed. It’s as simple as that. To borrow a direct quote from my dad, “that’s stuff that girls go through.” That’s typical for him … he’s the prototypical man’s man.

But is he right?

Does a man really have to deny himself the release of emotions that may show a softer side? As men, should we really be expected to live our lives emotionally dishonest as a means to protect the sanctity of our manhood?

I say no.

If a man is hurt, then let him release it.
If he’s disappointed, then he should be able to express it.
And if he wants to cry and didn’t just lose his mother or a playoff basketball game, then the tears should flow.

There is a catch though.

While I believe it’s perfectly healthy for a man to openly express what he’s feeling, there is a “statute of man limitations” that applies. Can you express yourself freely? Sure. But can you start whining and crying every time something doesn’t go your way? Absolutely not (hell, you don’t even want your woman to do that.)

So what can be done? Well, you can now be unafraid to look into the eyes of your woman and say, “you hurt me.” You can also know that it’s alright to admit that you miss her, and that you wish she was back in your life. Trust me, it’s ok. In the end, your manly persona will go unscathed, and she may even respect you more for your honesty.

At 57 years-old, it’s probably too late for my dad to change his perspective, and that’s ok. But for me, it’s something that I’m currently working to improve upon. If my struggles in any way resemble yours, you should also take up this cause and work to find a healthy balance between man and emotion.

While I await your feedback on this topic (from both men and women), I thought I’d share three songs that to me exemplify what it’s like for a man to show his vulnerable side while still maintaining his manhood. Enjoy.

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Robin Thicke “I’m Not Loving You”

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The Key Lyrics:
I got married to the idea … to the notion
That you’d always be here with me girl
Like my shadow
And I wish I was there
Just to run my hands through your hair
And I’m just afraid, cuz this is the first time that I’m not loving you

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PJ Morton “She’s Gone”

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The Key Lyrics:
I lost my baby girl
She was my whole life
The future mother of my kids and soon to be my wife
But I didn’t cherish her like I was supposed to
And now she’s left and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
She’s gone

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Eric Roberson “Pen Just Cries Away”

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The Key Lyrics:
I try my best and even I lie to myself just to keep my smile
While all the pieces came falling down
Kept saying she’s still gonna stick around
While here I am same place again
Home with my friends-my faithful pad and pen
They always seem to just help me thru
Till I get a chance to talk to you