Living With A Dangerous Secret

This is just foul! How dare you put someone’s life in jeopardy. Since you are being so selfish, what if you had a life threating STD would you still be selfish and deny him his right to the truth? How would you feel if you were in his shoes?

As common as herpes is this person needs to stop and tell them. I mean she might just want to cut off all ties. I’m not seeing this man forgiving her at all for lying to him and although you can’t die from it, Herpes is a really emotional thing to deal with. IT’s bad enough so many people are infected with herpes because of the many myths that surround the virus.

People feel like since it’s not deadly it not serious but you really need to give that person a choice in weather they are willing to share this with you forreal. I know there are medications out there, but you can still get an outbreak while on them. Everybody is different.

I hope and pray you find the courage to do the right thing, and I hope he doesn’t react in any violent manner. Although it’s not right, you can’t blame him for being livid.

This is unacceptable. Tell him. Post it on your refrigerator if you don’t want to verbalize it. I agree with FlyGuy. Not only with this guy, but with others whom you told only afterwards. Why they told you they understood, I don’t know. You need to stop doing that now before you break the news to the WRONG person and you wind up in ICU. This is not a game. This is people’s lives you’re messing with.

Black community, we have to do better.

There are so many things I could say about her letter but I’ll stick to 2 main points.
#1: He is just as foul for sleeping with her unprotected without knowing her status as she is for sleeping with him unprotected and knowing her status. What I’m saying is, we are ADULTS. There is no excuse to not take your partner to the clinic to get tested prior to sex. We are each held accountable for our own actions. If/when she tells him, he can’t blame no one but himself because he made the decision to have unprotected sex with her. He’s as ignorant as she is.
#2: And anyone who is having unprotected sex with a “friends with benefits” partner is pure foolish. I know that’s very judgmental but I’m being honest. They’re both ignorant. Let’s not forget, she doesn’t know his status either. He may have given her HIV (Lord forbid).

It’s funny how all the comments are attacking her… At what point will GROWN people be held accountable for their actions? This is a 50/50 foolish act. They are both extremely foolish for not knowing each other’s status before sleeping together. They are even more foolish for being “cut buddies”/”friends with benefits” for FOUR years with no commitment to each other… Smh…. WAKE UP PEOPLE!!! Funny that she calls him a “keeper”…. A keeper will commit to you sweetheart.

CASUAL SEX=NO COMMITMENT= MULTIPLE PARTNERS=STD… One day you fools will get it.

yup.. all jokes aside.. if the shoe were on the other foot, how would she react if someone decided that AFTER you have unprotected sex to drop a bomb like that. Although herpes is not deadly, it is costly and uncomfortable.
At the same time, he should have taken responsibility and not had unprotected sex… but come on now… after 4 FREAKIN YEARS!!! she let this go on!
She need her a** kicked. Bottom line.
I am not very understanding and “compassionate” with ppl who blatantly withhold VITAL information bc you’re “afraid” man F that shhh…. you grown!! deal with it!

I agree they were both irresponsible and shouldn’t have done the deed without protection. However, we all do stupid stuff and act irresponsible from time to time. I agree with The Fly Guy; she needs to quit while she’s a head and talk to the guy; easier said than done, I’m sure. Like Ford Tough said, the comments seem to be attacking her; the comments also seem to be from other females. Wonder how a guy (other than The Fly Guy), would respond to this…

Ms. Secret, you HAVE to tell him! You should have told him before EVER becoming sexually active with this guy. I’m not judging you in no way shape or form, but its not fair for him because you’re not giving him the option. Why would you risk passing it on by having unprotected sex? You’re just doing the same thing your ex did to you. Do the right thing and just tell him. One last question, how much potential can this “friend w/benefits” have if its been 4 years already? There’s a reason why the two of you aren’t a couple by now. This “secret” isn’t helping. Think about it, you’re giving him exactly what he wants (possibly more) without the headache of him having to answer to you as his girlfriend/fiance/wife. Please, please refrain from sleeping with this man until you can be completely honest with him. You’ve been lying for 4 years. Pray, pray, and pray some more.

They are both wrong for what they’re doing.,BUT how effed up is it on her part to continue on??? That’s like me knowing there’s a bottom less pit around the corner. It’s only taking up half of the street, but I allow you to walk around the corner anyway blind folded and I give you no warning. Hey, you may fall, you may not.

“…its not fair for him because you’re not giving him the option.”

Why should a grown ass man be verbally told his options??? He KNOWS his options a) use a condom to prevent any STDs since they were too lazy to go get tested prior to sex or b) don’t use a condom and risk contracting anything she may have. Those are his 2 options right there. Folks, HE MADE THE CHOICE TO NOT USE CONDOMS. I’m not saying she’s right by potentially spreading the disease but I don’t think a grown ass person who is capable of making their own decisions should have to be told the consequences of their actions when it’s all over television.

@amia550

And as a grown ass individual you should have enough sense to use condoms AND take this person to the clinic prior to sex. Ms. Secret is dead wrong for not telling him but he is dead wrong for not using condoms with her. They’re not even in a “relationship”. Even if they were, until the wedding rings are placed on both fingers, unprotected sex is NOT an option… Even when wedding rings are on it’s a risky business but at that point you can only pray your partner is faithful to you.

I’ve been a lurker on this forever and a day, I just want to thank all of you for that little push I’ve needed these past 4 years to tell him, I did this afternoon. He probably hates me, if I didn’t get a committment in 4 years, he probably didn’t love me either! p.s. @ Ford Tough thanks to you the most for your comments / words of encouragement.

I know it took courage to finally tell him, and I’m proud of you. You did the right thing, and if he can’t forgive you, you’ll find somebody else who can love you in your entirety. Good luck and may things look up for you.

I completely hear what you are saying, but how do you know he didn’t ask and she was afraid she would lose him so she did not disclose the info? Sure, your response might be that he should never just trust anyone’s words and should have gotten results first. But realistically, if someone else had said they told a guy whatever bit of information, and he didn’t believe it or sought some sort of evidence, you would be telling her that he had trust issues and to leave him.

He is wrong but she is wronger-to-the-millionth power.
Maybe the other dudes said they understand and didn’t care because they know they just gave you something else. Please continue to get tested and TELL any partners and wrap it up (how long does it really take to use a condom…they even make them super thin)

@curly scorpio:
it took more courage than I would have ever thougt I had. We’ve spoken again since I initially told him and his anger seems to have calmed down a bit; I aint gonna lie, I was sh*ttin bricks when he said he wanted to see me ( i had actually told him over the phone) but I agreed to see him and let him vent and yeah, I feel better for telling him, but I still feel like a heaping pile of sun baked sh*t drizzled in garbage pail juice. Not good. What is good is coming to this site gave me the strength I needed to do what needed to be done. I may not ever see him again, but he did thank me for telling him and I didn’t end up in the ICU (per a previous comment), so I can only say it was that I’m glad its over ?

It takes a brave woman to do that. So I commend you for opening up. No one has the right to down you if they never been in a situation as such. You never know what you may feel or how afraid you may be. So good for you for being bold and saying something.

@JeTara Speaks:
Thanks. I had a rough nite last nite; no doubt. But I woke up this morning feeling a little angry. Not sure if that is normal. But I guess I was angry because after I replayed the entire conversation over and over in my head, I realized he accepted absolutely NO responsibility for HIS actions. As I told him, I know I acted selfishly and irresponsibly HOWEVER, I did not put a gun to his head and make him have unprotected sex with me. He repeatedly told me what I should have said or what I should have done. True, I should have. But what about him ? Shouldnt he have done something too ? I mean, at what point does he step up and say yeah, we weren’t in a committed relationship and it was just a sex thing, I shoulda protected myself out the gate ? Because then he tells me that he didn’t trust that I wasn’t seeing other guys (which I wasn’t) but due to the fact that he and I only hooked up once every 3 or 4 months (over the course of 4 years) all the more reason we BOTH should have been using protection. I get that, I just wonder if he ever will. I’m the bad guy here, sure. I’ll accept that, but I’m definitely not the bad guy ALONE. As someone stated earlier, he is grown and he knows the risk of having unprotected sex PERIOD. Sorry to vent, I’m just really pissed how this is 110% my fault. Its not, we were BOTH irresponsible.

@ms.secret,
Bravo for finally telling him as a female with the virus as well i can relate. This virus carries a bad stigma in movies and society which is sad..its just a skin virus same as a cold sore, everyone knows someone with the virus and guess what you can get it from oral and using condoms as the virus can shed skin to skin contact so ur always at risk unless ur not having sex!i got the virus from a.cheating ex who I knew from testing was clean of stds til he picked one up. Ms secret I know its hard but pls tell before sex as I do its just right, if they cant accept its there loss cus im sure ur a great person.

also, this virus doesnt define you, you define the virus..just make wiser choices. He seems to have risky behavior and I know you can find someone to commit to you, we all have flaws.

@Onenmilgyrl:
Thanks. Nice to know I’m not alone in my plight. Yeah, people really don’t realize how this is contracted. As I initially stated, my ex had a cold sore on his mouth (i never knew this was a danger) and he gave me oral and poof ! the crazy thing is that he NEVER tested positive for it. We were living together, planning to grow old and die together (so I thought, until he started cheating…nother story, some other time) anyways, the split was VERY BAD and he was abusive throughout the latter part of our relationship, extremely (physical and emotional) and as part of ammunition during the break up (even years after) he called me everything but the child of God. It was horrible the things he would say to me, how dirty and bad he made me feel. Because he never tested positive, ever. And we NEVER used protection; like I said the plan was to grow old and die together. I guess all the humiliation he put me through, the name calling (he’d actually say these things to me in front of his new woman), it just made me that more afraid and ashamed to tell this guy I was involved with. I just pray he doesn’t have it; I’m sure he’s probably getting tested right now. But like I said, we didn’t always have unprotected sex, we only had sex once every 3 to 4 months over the 4 years. From everything I know about the disease, you have symptoms within the first 2-3 weeks of contracting it.

I’ll try to keep that in mind and it really is good to get these feelings out; to have a platform to say how I feel and actually have encouring words bestowed upon me at the horrific time. Thanks.

@BellaBecca:
No, he didn’t ask and neither did I. Again, we were both irresponsible. But had he asked I most definitely would have told him. As for the other two guys, whatever their reasoning was I don’t know, but I stay at the doctors office regularly and no, they didn’t give me anything.

@ Ford Tough. You are right. He should have taken the initiative and asked for her to be tested and/or used protection everytime. But as the writer said, “they’ve had unprotected sex more than once” which tells me that they were also using protection @ one point.
My issue is that before they committed the act of NOT using that protection the first time, SHE had a responsibity to say something. What if they had held out on having sex UNTIL marriage with that secret.. he would have been in the same d*mn predicament… with a lying woman, who cared more about her own self than him. So wedding rings mean SQUAT if the person chooses to withhold VITAL information.

Hmmmm I do agree that what she’s doing is wrong. However, you cannot have unprotected sex w/someone and assume THEM to be responsible for YOUR body!!! Where was the conversation about sexual history?? Where was the “Let’s go to the D.R. and get checked out” convo. There are a lot of myths about Herpes. I’m a woman and my GYN told me it’s probably more then 1 in 4 ppl who are infected whether they know it or not. Also the OB/GYN tests for all STDs except for HIV and Herpes. You have to make a special request for both. THe standard Pap tests for Cancer cells, Chlamydia/Gonnorhea/Syphyllis. THAT’S IT!!! If ppl really added Herpes to their yearly check up the WORLD would be surprised by how many ppl are carrying it. All I can say young lady is join a support group and/or date othe persons who are also HSV2+ *HerpesSimplex2*
This is a lesson for EVERYBODY. Take value in your LIFE and your BODY. Get tested….know your status… not just AIDS but EVERYTHING.
Good Luck,
EbonyLolita

WoW! The problem is Not herpes but ur selfishness & need to put ur desires above anything & everything. I think Its Not his leaving ur deeply concerned about though. In my opinion ur bitter about contacting it urself & its made u Not care about who u pass it to. Get out of relationships, become celibate & hire a good therapist! Get ur mental 2gether & then start dating again.

@ Msbliss:
Wow ! YOU actually seem bitter. And until you walk in my shoes, or the shoes of someone who has actually had to deal with a situation as such, then and only then can you “advise” someone to “Get out of relationships, become celibate & hire a good therapist! Get ur mental 2gether & then start dating again.”

Sweetie, how do I seem bitter?? I’m Not involved & like every1 else I gave my 2cent. I’m Not surprised u disagree because most people hate honesty esp with themselves. How about u really put yourself in the men ur infecting SHOES & like I said get some therapy cause what ur doing is very wrong & u of all people should avoid spreading this. Sorry u took offense But if u still don’t get it Then I guess jus pray about it.

Well I’m glad U told him because its the Right thing 2 do for both of you. When things lik this happen its no longer about how u feel or how the person will react. Even though its painful & u will be depressed you will heal better knowing you did the right thing. I still think u need a therapist though. Not cause ur crazy or something But to help you work out some deep seated issues. May the divine light be with you.

Ms Secret, you keep repeating your mistake of having unprotected sex with partners who are not committed to you.
He’s not committed if he’s just shacking up with you.
He’s not committed if he’s just a FWB.
Because you don’t learn from your past mistakes, you’ll probably keep collecting STDs as you serve up your putrid body to abusive and/or withholding men. This will likely end when one of them takes your life in a fit of rage after he finds out that you infected him.

@ Aqualung:
Geez, thanks for your concern with someone taking my life in a fit of rage because they’ve been infected, but never once did I say that anyone I’d had unprotected sex with actually contacted it; I’d actually said the opposite. But again, thanks for your concern.

LISTEN THIS IS CRAZY…I BELIEVE U NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF FOR ONCE AND THINK ABOUT THE OTHERS U MAY AND OR ARE CURRENTLY AFFECTING..JUST THINK ABOUT IT AS IF YOU WERE IN SOMEONE ELSES SHOES (EVEN YOUR MOM,SISTER OR ANYBODY)…ITS JUST NOT FAIR ESPECIALLY SINCE HES URE “FRIEND” WHICH MEANS THAT HE PROBABLY OR DEFINETELY SLEEPING WITH OTHERS..SMH

UMMM HOW WOULD U KNOW FOR SURE IF WHETHER OR NOT U INFECTED SOMEONE?