Why Am I Successful, But Single?

Jan 11th, 2010 | Author: | Category: Fly Letters
Comments (22)

Dear Fly Guy,

I’m sure you’ve heard this same question a million times before, but I need you to answer it for me. I’m a single, successful woman and I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to find a man. I don’t want to put anyone else down, but it seems like women who are less deserving always end up with the good man. Is there something wrong with me? Or is it what I suspect, that men are intimidated by a woman that’s just as successful as they are? Please help.

Ms. Confused By Dating

Dear Ms. Confused By Dating,

I can understand your frustration, as this emotion is shared by many beautiful, successful women just like you. To answer your question directly, are men intimidated by successful women? Some are … but none of those men were right for you anyway, so let’s not dwell on them. Let’s instead focus on a point that many women in your shoes tend to overlook:

“Education affords you many things in life, but love isn’t one of them. That requires a completely different skill set.”

While impressive, a resume doesn’t make you anymore deserving of true love than someone with a GED. Love doesn’t care about those credentials … it only cares about your intentions. So if your heart is in the right place, then in time I’m sure you’ll attract a like-minded spirit that makes you happy.

The key is not to give up. I wish I could give you a more accurate timeframe for when love will find you, but it doesn’t work that way. You just have to be ready for the moment when it comes. I hope this helps.

The Fly Guy

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  • http://www.from32b.wordpress.com Denisha

    Be ready and have fun in the process! Great advice.

  • Kahlia

    Great Post! I too am waiting for a successful relationship.
    I’m Keeping Hope Alive :)

  • msbliss

    U won’t have too much time to dwell on it if your out living & enjoying yourself! Let it take you completely by surprise & it will happen sooner than u think.

  • http://www.facebook.com/PennyTheGameMaster Third_Of_August

    Fly Guy…..you pretty much summed it all up with the quote:

    “Education affords you many things in life, but love isn’t one of them. That requires a completely different skill set.”

    ….Not to mention that a lot of single, successful women tend to go a bit overboard with how successful they are around potential men. (Case in point: The ‘independent woman’ movement.)

  • qwerty

    Girl you successful because you don’t have some dumb, underachieving man bringing you down. Keep your head up and be even more successful. Your love will come your way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/PennyTheGameMaster Third_Of_August

    @ qwerty

    Why does ‘the man’ always have to be dumb or otherwise not good enough?

    Maybe it really could be the woman’s fault every now and again that she’s single. Maybe she’s the type of woman that simply doesn’t know how to choose quality men. I saw this with my own two eyes back when I was in college….you had very talented and intelligent women with potential throw it all away because they passed over good men for the thugs that eventually brought nothing but drama into their lives.

  • qwerty

    I am not quite feeling your comment. You previously said she probably went overboard with her success and why shouldn’t she. You just bought her down. She earned her success. Why not show her success. Success attracts success. Why should a woman settle for anything less. Why should this successful woman settle for someone who has the mentality as yours that all good woman attract bad elements into their life. This is not the first time that you blame women for the choices they make. You yourself call your fellow brethern thugs. Maybe the company she keeps could be already taken and it is hard to find a successful man in this world who doesn’t have the same drama as you. You tend to judge people before the whole story is told. So Miss Lady flaunt your success and flaunt it well. DO NOT LOWER your standards for anyone. No matter what the nay sayers will say. Most women are independent because the dependent man cannot take care of them. You can do bad by yourself without some dumb bucket dragging you down trying to take you down to his level because he could not achieve his dreams or goals.

  • http://www.youngbrothas.com YB

    I don’t necessarily think men are intimidated by women who are successful, however there are *some* women that have a way of constantly reminding the man they are with of their success. I would not say the young lady who asked the question is doing this, just making a point…

  • Oshanae

    being single and some what successful i have my education….but i live a crappy city (trying to change that) anyway it could be number of things. The location; thats a big factor, economic situations, to find finding love i dont think is the central problem its everything that comes with it personality, lifestyle etc. Ladies we need to figure out do we want a man or need a man and know the difference.

  • BellaBecca

    Did I forget to sign my name when I wrote this? Seriously, I ask this question all the time. FlyGuy, I am going to have to challenge your statement that “Education affords you many things in life, but love isn’t one of them. That requires a completely different skill set.” It is that book knowledge, and that type of education, does not lend itself to finding love. Being educated, however, on how to be supportive, understanding, caring, etc. are the types of “education” needed to find love.

    I would never flaunt my success, but I would want my potential mate to know that I can do without you, I just choose not to because I want you in my life and I want you to be part of my future successes.

  • BellaBecca

    Some men will try to hold a woman down because he has a twisted sense of what manhood is. These types of men will tell a woman it doesnt matter that she is successful and she still can’t do this or that without him. He is afraid that his role is being challenged. If he did what he was supposed to do, there would be no way his role could be challenged. Likewise, there are women who will constantly remind the man that she makes more or that she has graduated from wherever and it really does not matter much. What matters is that she does not understand how to talk to people with respect while she is showing her success. It is perfectly fine that a woman is independent.

    To qwerty, I think going overboard on anything is not a good thing. One definition is “into discard.” So, going overboard with claiming her success might end up looking like she is trying to prove something to herself when she should not even have to.

  • http://www.flyguychronicles.com The Fly Guy

    somebody’s splitting hairs on the term “education” :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/PennyTheGameMaster Third_Of_August

    @ Qwerty

    I only mentioned the going overboard part as one of any number of reasons that single, successful women might be having difficulty finding quality men.

    And I never said that ALL good women attract bad qualities into their lives…..what I said was women make jacked-up choices in the men they deal with that often UNDERMINE whatever success they had. Also, some women are too bust chasing the almighty dollar yet not cultivating any kind of personality within themselves that would land then a decent man. There’s no classes or degrees required to simply be a good PERSON….a good FRIEND…..and a good WIFE.

    For you to blame that on a man holding her back or dragging her down is bullcrap, and you know it. If a successful woman is feeling weighed down by the men in her life, maybe she needs to LET THOSE LOSERS GO and up the QUALITY of men she associates herself with. Can’t have a Ruth’s Chris job and try to lead that kind of lifestyle if you have Dollar Menu At McDonald’s-type friends holding you back.

    Never did I insinuate that a woman needs to settle for less. The only ‘LESS’ a woman should settle for is LESS DRAMA. And from what I see, women are ATTRACTED to the very same men that bring NOTHING BUT DRAMA into their lives. It’s ok….us ‘lame’ and ‘boring’ guys will be over ——–> there watching. You know….the same lame and boring guys that always have your back and give you a shoulder to cry on when Mr. Excitement screws you over YET AGAIN. The same lame and boring guys that you turn down because you’re scared of what your girlfriends and ‘nem will think of you.

    And besides….a woman that likes thugs is not a good woman, in my book—–regardless of how many degrees she has or how many dollars are in her bank account.

  • http://www.facebook.com/PennyTheGameMaster Third_Of_August

    @ Bella

    See…..I personally don’t have a problem with a woman handling her business legitimately. Hell, who would want a woman (or anyone, for that matter) that couldn’t?

    And isn’t the man’s job in a relationship to provide? While it is nice (and in my case, preferred) that a woman be ABLE to handle her own business, the way some women carry on about their ability to handle said business almost makes then sound like…….MEN. And no sane man wants another MAN in his female significant other. So with that said….Ladies, it’s OK to be able to handle your business. Nobody’s knocking that. But just tone it down a tad with the “I don’t need no man”-isms that a lot of you throw out there. I’m sorry that the last 46 men you dealt with were losers. Maybe that should tell you something about your selection process. But in the meantime, learn to judge each man on his OWN merits instead of your preconceived notions from past failed relationships.

    Where some women fuck this handling their business thing all up is when they get to bragging about being able to do simple stuff….like, really, now……Being able to pay YOUR OWN rent, YOUR OWN car note, and YOUR OWN cell phone bill as well as take care of YOUR OWN kids (for those who have then, of course) DOES NOT make you freakin’ SPECIAL…..that’s what ANY NORMAL FUNCTIONING ADULT SHOULD BE DOING!

    They don’t give out gold stars and chocolate chip cookies for being NORMAL.

    And I think a lot of women have unintentionally fucked up the definition of the word ‘independent’. So allow me to consult the homie Webster on this one:

    Main Entry: 1in·de·pen·dent
    Pronunciation: \ˌin-də-ˈpen-dənt\
    Function: adjective
    Date: 1611

    1 : not dependent: as a (1) : not subject to control by others : self-governing (2) : not affiliated with a larger controlling unit b (1) : not requiring or relying on something else : not contingent (2) : not looking to others for one’s opinions or for guidance in conduct (3) : not bound by or committed to a political party c (1) : not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood) (2) : being enough to free one from the necessity of working for a living d : showing a desire for freedom e (1) : not determined by or capable of being deduced or derived from or expressed in terms of members (as axioms or equations) of the set under consideration; especially : having linear independence (2) : having the property that the joint probability (as of events or samples) or the joint probability density function (as of random variables) equals the product of the probabilities or probability density functions of separate occurrence…….”

    ……I think some women have taken “being self-sufficient” (which is a good thing) and mixed that up to mean “not needing a man to take care of her” (which is SOMETIMES a bad thing). I don’t think any man out there wants a woman that can’t do anything for herself. But when women get to saying, “I can pay my own bills, I don’t need a man” in the same sentences like some of y’all like to do so much, that leads a logically-thinking man like myself to believe that y’all only view men as good for paying your bills and taking care of you, and that to me is a TERRIBLE mindset to have.

  • mrsjefferson

    I know I’m late but first I’d like to know how “successful” is she? What she graduated college, making $45,000-$60,000 and is looking for someone in the same pay grade? I mean no one should ever have to lower their standards but what does the emotional content of a person has to do with their pay grade. Don’t go grubbing in the trash can but as long as being with him is not making you struggle he doesn’t need to have the same credentials as you do.

  • BellaBecca

    @ Third

    I agree with you that women should take care of themselves and not expect some sort of award for it. Just…don’t be so angry. LOL Everytime I read your responses I feel like you’re yelling at me! :-(

  • BellaBecca

    You know I had to do it. :-D

  • http://www.facebook.com/PennyTheGameMaster Third_Of_August

    @ Bella

    I’m sorry….I don’t intend to make it sound like I’m angry at you.

    I’m just VERY passionate about the topics of love and relationships. These are two topics that I wish to conquer for my own sake…..I’ve often been on the short end of the stick a lot when it comes to this stuff.

    Plus…..I’m just tired of ‘the game’ at this point. There’s only so much talking and theorizing I can do and nobody’s feeling or listening to a Brotha….

  • BellaBecca

    Apology accepted. LOL

    I know exactly what you mean about getting the short end of the stick and being tired of the game. I can definitely see that you’re passionate about it and you have really valid points all the time. Because you are so passionate about it, you will conquer those two things, it just takes time. Don’t become jaded by failed relationships though, you know what I mean?

  • http://www.facebook.com/PennyTheGameMaster Third_Of_August

    @ Bella

    Too little and almost too late for not getting jaded…..I’m often jaded to the point where I think my blood is green. lol

    All I need is a reason to believe that the game is not really as jacked up as I’m seeing it is from my four eyes. (I wear glasses, lol)

  • amia550

    thank you! well said!

  • Cliff

    Successful women are not humble at all. Somehow they tend to be really boastful about their perceived accomplishments, and feel that they are owed a lifestyle to compliment their fairy tale perceptions of their life. Many don’t realize that they for all their success are lacking in some area of their life that makes them disagreeable as long term mates.