Overcoming His Addiction
Oct 14th, 2009 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Letters
Comments (5)
Hi Fly Guy,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. About 4 months ago, I moved to a different state to be with him and we moved in together. There’s been talk of marriage and I know he has been ring shopping.
My boyfriend though is addicted to playing video games. He stays up all night, 4-5 times a week playing video games. When I say all night, I mean ALL NIGHT, as he doesn’t come to bed till around 6-7 in the morning, which is the time I usually get up to get ready for my day. He is in sales and he basically makes his own schedule. He is successful at what he does, and I know he is under a lot of pressure at work and says that this is his way of relieving stress when he gets home. But honestly, I feel this is pretty excessive! I don’t mind him playing a few hours a week, but this habit is causing tension in the relationship. I have brought it up several times, we constantly argue over it, and have even been on the verge of breaking up as a result of it. After I nag and complain, he stops for a few days, but then he goes back to the same old habits.
I am a full-time student and work full-time, and after a hard day, all I want is to cuddle with my man and go to sleep. Is this too much to ask for? I am honestly considering packing my bags and moving back home as this is not a trait that I find desirable in the man I spend the rest of my life with. What do I do?
Helen
What’s up Helen,
I understand your frustration and I agree that this is an issue that must be addressed. My first suggestion is to establish common ground where both desires are met. Achieve this by scheduling weekly times where you both commit to spending quality time together … that addresses your needs. At the same time, you should also schedule moments where you agree to leave each other alone. This provides him ample opportunity to play video games.
If you still aren’t happy, then my next suggestion would be for you to find your own place. It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking a significant other for granted when they’re always there. If you had your own place though, then he may be more inclined to seek out moments for the two of you to share. This solution would also reduce your frustration, as you no longer have to witness his late night game play.
The bottom line is there has to be compromise on both sides. He can’t expect to be in a healthy relationship and still dedicate so much time to playing video games. Conversely, you can’t expect him to lay up under you every day when you get off of work. In other words, you both have to give a little to make this work.
I will leave you with this one final thought. As you work to find a solution, avoid “nagging and complaining” as you phrased it. Most men typically shut down when women take this approach, thereby stunting the possibility of growth and progress. I would instead try approaching him as if it were a negotiation. Plainly state your position, and present him an offer. He can take it, leave it, or present you with a counter offer. By taking this approach, he’s less likely to shut down, which increases the likelihood of progress being made. I hope this helps, and I wish you luck.
The Fly Guy
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I would leave just to let him no I’m serious. You have 2 prove to a man u mean business cause as long as u stay I don’t see him stopping his obsession. So leave & if he values you more & realize what he lost he will be beggin for u bac or sad to say he might just go his own way But its for your good 2 cause then you’d kno it wasn’t right for you anyway. BTW if he begs for you bac give him a 2-3 wk wait & just fill that time with fun things & bring it up everytime he calls u! Either he won’t care or he will be rushin & sweatin 2 make it right with u.
This is what women mean when they talk about the difference between a man and a guy. A guy sits up all nite playing video games. A man will take some time each day and do like Jaheim says: Put that woman first.
All men are different and so are women… You need to know the type of person you choose to be with. I don’t think him spending a lot of time playing video games, equates to him not being a good man. I’m sure there are many other things she likes about him, or she would be with him. I have a friend who is a very hard worker… he will do whatever it takes to make sure that his family is in need or want of nothing. He is the ultimate provider, but you know what… I wouldn’t want a man like that, because although that is a very good trait… family time is very important to me and he spends so much time working, there is very little time for the family. That however works for him and his family.
Packing up and leaving isn’t the answer either. It doesn’t show commitment and you shouldn’t try to bully or force anyone… Furthermore men don’t like ultimatums… They just need to do what FG says… relationships need work constantly. It will always need maintenance and as long as they both want their relationship to work, they will figure it out.
I’m with FG on this one – break routine, create changes, mix it up a little and see if it works. If it doesn’t – then you might want to re-examine the relationship and what both of you want from it. I don’t believe in walking away unless I am satisfied that I have done everything (within reason) to make it work. It definitely makes the moving on easier, less ugly and leaves you at peace with your decision should you have to make it.
I agree with FG. Compromise is important, but he has to try to compromise as well. I hope it works out for you!!!