Can An Ex Ruin You For Other People?
Oct 13th, 2009 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Features
Comments (8)
This morning’s feature comes from a dope site written by one of my brothers in the struggle, Naked With Socks On.
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I love you, Slim, we coulda been together, think about it/You ruined it now, I hope you can’t sleep and you dream about it.” —Eminem, “Stan”
The funny thing about relationships is that they can feel absolutely perfect when you’re in the depths of love. The problem is when the good times come to an end. The person that once made your heart skip a beat might now make your stomach turn. This is especially true for someone going through his or her very first heartbreak.
Depending on how bad the breakup was, that person may have ruined you for every one else that follows. Now, that’s not to say that one person should have that much power over another but people tend to protect their heart once they’re hurt. It takes a long time before someone feels comfortable opening up to another person after their heart has been broken.
Earlier this year I was having a conversation with an ex and I mistook what she was saying about how the ending of us had affected her. Mistakenly, I thought she was saying that I had inadvertently “ruined” her for other men.
“I never said you ‘ruined’ me,” she said, immediately correcting me. “You just drained me to a point where I don’t want to put that much effort into anyone else ever again.”
Then, there was this woman that I was going out with for some time. Things were good between us, but a small part of me was unsure of where we were going. I saw this unsaid fact having the potential to “ruin” her and I decided to voice my concerns.
“…I just don’t want to ruin you,” I said.
“No man will ever ‘ruin’ me,” she promptly responded. “Let alone you.”
That may have been true, but my premature statement “ruined” any hope for what we had.
Moving forward, I tried to erase this troublesome word from my vocabulary and I proceeded to embark down different paths. Eventually, I came across a woman that piqued my interests physically, mentally and emotionally.
After a short while I deiced to voice my feelings to her. You won’t believe what she said to me in response.
“You’re a nice guy,” she began. “And I don’t want to ‘ruin’ you.”
Karma’s a b*tch ain’t it.
Fin!
Do you think it’s a bit cocky for someone to ask if they’ve ruined you? What would your response be to someone saying that to you? Is there an ex(s) that took you a real long time to get over? What was it about him/her that had you so heartbroken? Do you think there’s some truth to the idea that you never love the same after your first heartbreak? How long does it usually take you to get over someone? Or are you usually the one that ends relationships?How do you move on after a bad breakup?
Speak your piece…
Fly Request: Make sure you go and show some love to my boy Anslem, the creator of Naked With Socks On. Gotta support positive brothers doing positive things.
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Ruined is such a harsh word. It sounds like you’ll never be good enough for somebody else. A damaged heart is never un-fixable, the person just has to be open to trusting someone with their heart again. If a guy ever asked me if I was ruined by him I’d think he was so full of himself. A person only has as much control over you as you give them. I’ve learned that its best not to dwell on heartbreak, you have to allow yourself time to heal and move on. There is nothing wrong with being cautious in future relationships, but you can’t allow that one a**hole to stop you from being happy because chances are they are happy and not thinking about you. A person that really understands heartbreak is only able to be a better lover/friend in future interactions.
I can’t say any woman has ‘ruined’ me, but the grand combination of my life experiences has definitely shaped my oh-so-sunny disposition about ‘the game’ and how much bullshit it encompasses. lol
I have had many up & downs with my current partner & when we hit our lowest I defintely felt that “ruined” feeling. Like damn, I will never do this shit again lol. But everyday I chose 2 love & tell myself if it doesn’t work out just learn from it & be brave enough 2 love again cause it is a matter of BRAVERY to love again after being deeply hurt. Also u just have 2 realize the other person is just human & maybe their mental just wasn’t right nothing 2 really hold against them just learn & grow from it. No1 will ruin me,cause no1 has power of over & it only makes me better.
While I personally have never experienced heartbreak (what can I say, I am blessed LOL) I have seen the effects that a break-up can cause in a person and how it “ruins” them. I think this is a topic that definitely needs to be discussed alot more. Especially to men. Everything happens for a reason and just becuase one woman left you does not mean that you wont ever find happiness again. I have went through this with my current boyfriend (it will be 5 years for us next month) and I still think that he deals with this issue from time to time. FLyGuy I love your website because it touches on alot of topics that help me and my boyfriend otu and since alot of men DO NOT go to therapy your site is a great substitute
I don’t believe anybody can ruin you. Only you can ruin yourself. Every heartbreak can hurt for the moment, but you grow from it and move on. If you’ve loved someone and it ended in heartbreak, I’m a firm believer you can just as easily love someone else. Everybody I’ve loved, I’ve loved differently. Not one man has damaged me for the next because I don’t go into any relationship thinking the guy I meet is like the last. Everyone has a clean slate and total control of whatever judgement I may make of them. I have no regrets, resentment, or hostility towards any of the past relationships I’ve had. I’m thankful to every guy that has cheated on me, loved me, made me laugh, cry, comforted me, or abandoned me because I grew as a woman and learned who I was, what I can be, what I want, and what I wont settle for. For every bad time I might have shared with a guy, there was a good time and for that I am thankful for.
I have been heartbroken but I always get over it and move on. Being ruined by someone is accurate for some guys I have met. They refuse to love again. I think they won’t allow themselves to feel the pain and let themselves heal because it hurt too much so the only person ruining them is them. But I have seen a dear friend finally get over an ex after a good 10 yrs. He had initially said he didn’t know how to love and whether he could love again. I told him I disagree becauss I saw in him every single day. The day he let his wall down (his words not mine) was a lovely day.
I’ve had a bad breakup & i didn’t want to open myself up anymore. I don’t feel i am ruined,just more guarded with my time & affection.
I will be the first to admit that I was ruined by a past relationship that made it hard for other bruthas to come behind that person. I felt that I gave the best of me and it went unappreciated so why not indulge myself in what pleased me the next go round. My happiness was all that mattered and was not to be compromised. Having that attitude caused me to lose a great friend and someone I could easily say was “the one that got away.” But i took those experiences and used it for the better. I’ve learned that I can’t fault the present for my past mistakes, I have, however, learned from them and I am still learning. I take things slower and am more careful now. That is the key.