6 Tough Relationship Talks You Must Have
Oct 21st, 2009 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Features
Comments (15)
If communication is the key to happiness, then the ability to have tough conversations with your significant other may be the act that turns the key and unlocks the door to a lifetime of happiness. (I know, enough with the metaphors.) It’s true, though. I believe it’s virtually impossible to have a successful long-term relationship if the two of you can’t handle tough conversations.
The following article deals with six of those conversations, and provides men with the framework to successfully navigate through these inevitable discussions. Read. Comment. Share.
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Written By: Kelly Marages
The STD Talk
She asks: “How many women have you slept with?”
You answer: “Thirty-six.”
Why that’s a mistake: Uh, hello, McFly, she wasn’t really asking how many women you’ve slept with. She was asking if you’ve ever been tested for sexually transmitted diseases. But now that you’ve answered truthfully, she’ll be sure to hold it against you.
What to say instead: “I’m not really into keeping score, but if you’re worried about STDs, I was tested last month”—or whatever the reality is—”and if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll see my doctor next week.” Then go. The more proactive you are, the more comfortable she’ll be and the better the sex will be. “The only way you’re going to enjoy sex is if you get this talk out of the way,” says Logan Levkoff, a sexologist and the author of Third Base Ain’t What It Used to Be.
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The Birth-Control Talk
She asks: “Did you bring a condom?”
You answer: “Why don’t you go on the Pill?”
Why that’s a mistake: You think you’re being honest and direct. She thinks you’re being selfish, and isn’t that just typical. Anger ensues. Sex doesn’t.
What to say instead: “Do you like how sex feels when I’m wearing a condom?” You do have a shot, because most women prefer sex au naturel, too. Take her answer as a jumping-off point to share your preferences. She’s not likely to say, “What a great idea. I’ll see my gynecologist tomorrow.” So be willing to shelve this discussion for a few months—and to try various types of condoms—while she determines whether you’re Pillworthy.
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The Where’s-This-Going? Talk
She asks: “Where’s this going?”
You answer: “Back off, man trap.”
Why that’s a mistake: You think she’s asking why you haven’t proposed. But she’s just wondering if you see her in your short-or long-term future. You feel cornered and storm out. She shatters a vase on the wall.
What to say instead: “Can we talk about this on Saturday?” You need to think about where the relationship actually is going. On Saturday, put all your thoughts and concerns on the table, says Janet Surrey, Ph.D., coauthor of We Have to Talk. Don’t worry about having all answers. She just wants you to think about the question. The one exception: If you don’t want the relationship to go farther, say so. She’s prepared for the worst, so she’ll take the news pretty well.
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The Sexual-Desire Talk
She says: “Let’s just snuggle tonight.”
You answer: “Why don’t you ever want to have sex with me?”
Why that’s a mistake: Guilt isn’t hot. Neither is selfishness. “Don’t make it seem like you’re only interested in getting what you want, even if you are,” says Surrey. If you become frustrated, she’ll become frosty.
What to say instead: “How would you like a massage?” She’ll know what your motive is, but since you’re putting her pleasure first, she’s more apt to overlook it. If she still wants only to sleep in your arms, let her. Then initiate sex in the a.m. Her testosterone spikes in the morning, and cuddling increases oxytocin, a hormone that makes her feel more amorous.
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The Money Talk
She asks: “Do you like my new shoes?”
You answer: “You really need more shoes?”
Why that’s a mistake: No, she didn’t need another pair of shoes, just like you didn’t need an iPhone. But she’s modeling them for you now, so get over it.
What to say instead: “They look great on you.” Then gently remind her about that trip you’re both saving for. “What leads to fighting is not being clear about financial goals,” says Sharon Epperson, author of The Big Payoff. If you haven’t agreed on what you’re saving for yet, take this as a sign you should start. Go over your budget at the start of every month, suggests Epperson. Along with long-term goals, it needs room for pleasure purchases like shoes and iStuff.
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The Room-to-Breathe Talk
She says: “I need some space.”
You answer: “Have a nice life.”
Why that’s a mistake: When a woman asks for space, she’s not dumping you. She just wants a few days to herself. Or . . . she’s testing you to see how invested you are in the relationship. If you bolt, you fail.
What to say instead: “Take as much space as you need.” Chances are she’ll clear her head, miss you, and end up calling within a week. During that time, put your thoughts about the relationship—the good and bad, and where you see it going—in a letter. “Writing it will allow you to gather your thoughts and convey to her how you truly feel,” says Surrey. Send the letter. She may not come running back to you, but at least you’ll have started the conversation.
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You know, at the same time, a woman should be straight up with what she wants. Men shouldn’t have to try to discern what she means and have that chance of getting it wrong. Be honest and up-front and things go SO much smoother.
And yes, this is coming from a woman.
well said. I completely agree with you.
This was great, however the only part I disagree with is the pill conversation. I honestly believe that considering the high number of black women with HIV and AIDS that having unprotected sex in an unmarried relationship is a huge mistake. That is not to say that it doesn’t happen amongst married couples, because it does. However, throwing precaution to the wind for a moment of pleasure shouldn’t be encouraged. JMO.
The money one hits home for me. My ex had no job, lived with his parents but thought it was cool to buy a brand new blackberry, and mac laptop, and NOT spend money to visit me…but was concerned about MY spending…I’m employed, have my own place, pay my own bills. Like I said, he’s my ex. :)
And probably a lesbian from the sound of it
Because I pay my own bills I’m a lesbian? Where’s the connection? You must be unemployed and living with your parents too, Kyle.
The Where’s-This-Going? Talk
oh boy, this is the talk i need to have…and everytime i open my mouth to say something, my throat goes dry. but Lord knows I need to have this talk, ARGH i jus don’t know what to start with. and i know, i know – the longer i leave it, the harder it will be. Le Sigh!
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Hmmm, a good read. Thanks Fly Guy… Now to find that guy to practise it on…LOl! :-)
“back off, man trap” ? OMG!! LOL.. too funny! i can imagine that being a man’s response to taking things to another level. TOO FUNNY!
Totally agree with Robin. The Mrs doesnt speak “in other words” therefore there is no room for interpretation.
Good info. I just wish women could be straight (no pun intended on the rude comment from Cam who interpreted DB’s comments as those of a lesbian – Cam….you need to seek counseling!). If women could be more to the point instead of playing what comes across to most guys as “testing games”, I think we’d all be a lot better off. I think in general, or at least with my male friends, we all pretty much want the same sorts of things in a relationship. L.
i liked the honesty there…direct to the point, i like that…i wonder what the interviewer felt that day?
Getting tested for STD’s is definitely a start, but no male test can detect HPV, one of the most common and dangerous sexually transmitted diseases. The only way you can know if a man has HPV is if his last girlfriend tested positive for it. I usually just ask directly about his last sexual partner’s STD status. If he can’t give me a straight answer it means he’s not concerned enough about my well being and isn’t worth it.
Actually, Kim, there’s no test for HPV in women, either. Unless someone (male or female) has visible sores or an abnormal pap test, there’s no way to know if they have HPV (or Herpes, for that matter). So even if a guy’s ex tests clean, it doesn’t mean he’s not infected.
I agree with you about caring for your partner’s well-being. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t be upfront about his history.
this is a good website for stuff like this: http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/5592.html
Actually Kristen, there is a test for HPV, its just not used as a screening test as some of the other STD tests are. Pap smears, as of right now are still one of the best ways to know if a woman needs to be concerned about an HPV infection (due to certain strains increasing the risk for cervical cancer later on). The genital warts can be burned off.
There is a test for Herpes as well. It’s just not very useful. It may not be a very good predictor if you will actually manifest disease.
The best thing to do is to talk to your doctor and be honest with your partners