5 Things Single Women Hate To Hear
Oct 12th, 2009 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Features
Comments (18)
After running across this next feature, I felt it deserved some serious burn here at FGC. For every single woman that’s forced to endure the insensitive remarks of friends, family, and sometimes total strangers, this piece was written with you in mind. Enjoy.
Fly Note: It’s always good to read a perspective piece that can remind us of how our words can truly affect others.
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Written By: Julie D. Andrews (Source)
Every time she hung out with her single female friends, the same gripes surfaced. Enough already with the how-to-snag-a-guy advice streaming from anyone and everyone as soon as status single was announced, they said.
Suddenly, Karin Anderson, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at Concordia University Chicago, found herself keeping track of what these single women were saying, replacing the strict academic research techniques she was used to with more informal polling.
What she found was a deluge of well-meaning advice being issued to singles that, while offered with the best of intentions, not only wasn’t working but was making singles’ skin crawl.
“The message to singles tends to be that they’re doing something wrong, ‘You’re too this’ or ‘You’re not enough that.’ Being single is treated as this problem that needs to be solved,” says Anderson. “That’s really bogus. We should be telling single women, ‘You’re fine. There’s nothing wrong. Enjoy your life.’”
These five snippets of well-meaning advice to singles top Anderson’s list of worst offenses. Here’s why.
1) What’s Said: MAYBE YOU’RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH.
What’s Heard: “This can come off sounding like you’re passing judgment on effort,” says Anderson. “It’s better to encourage a single person to explore new relationships to the extent they are comfortable and to extend themselves in ways that feel natural and not forced.”
2) What’s Said: WEAR MORE MAKEUP.
What’s Heard: More than implying that the search for Mr. Right is as easy as brushing a spot of color onto the cheeks, this comment offends further by actually attacking a person’s core identity. “A woman presents herself according to what she defines as meaningful. Whether her style is glamorous belle or au naturelle, every woman should be allowed to be herself. There’s a man out there who is going to be attracted to her style, whatever it is. If she’s presenting herself as anyone other than who she really is, that’s false advertising and that’s going to backfire.”
3) What’s Said: GET BACK OUT THERE!
What’s Heard: This can send the signal that the single person is simply not doing enough speed or Internet or blind dating, or worse, that she isn’t living a full enough life. “Singles are not by definition hiding out in their closets curled up in the fetal position all day,” says Anderson. “Most are likely working, meeting friends out for dinner and events, working out.”
4) What’s Said: YOU’RE TOO PICKY.
What’s Heard: This implies that at some point, a point that the single friend or loved one has reached, she is no longer allowed to be discriminating, says Anderson. “This sends single women the message that their time to be choosy is up, that it’s now time to go out and pick up any chump.”
5) What’s Said: TONE IT DOWN A NOTCH.
What’s Heard: You ask too many questions. You’re too intimidating. You’re overly opinionated. You’re too consumed with work. “This is interpreted by single women to mean that they have to dial down their core identity a notch in order to attract potential suitors and make them feel comfortable,” says Anderson. “Suggesting that a woman reduce the fullness of who she is to lure a mate will lead to an inauthentic connection, and is a recipe for a disastrous relationship or marriage. Because really, how long can any person fake it and maintain a facade?”
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The Fly Conclusion: Are there any other remarks that you hate to hear as a single woman?
And to everyone else, have you ever been guilty of unsuspectingly uttering any of these phrases to your single friends? Let’s talk about it.
(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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#1 Question I hate… “Can’t you just meet someone at church/work/the library/other random place that makes no sense???
Oh, sure I can. I just thought I’d make it harder on myself by standing on the side of the road waiting for a man to walk by. Thanks for that advice, I’ve never tried ‘just meeting someone at places I frequent and enjoy’. I’ve never even considered ‘keeping my eyes open for men with the same hobbies and interests’. Wow, you’re a *!@#$% GENIUS!!!
The old people response is always… well your eggs aint gonna work forever… well at least the old people in my family… like I should just hurry up and marry anything just so I can have a baby. So dumb!
I’m tired of hearing “Just be patient! It will happen when its time”.
Ummm…yeah. That doesn’t help ppl…I can’t cuddle with patience.
You ladies are funny! lol I love your comments. I get tired of my married/boo’d up males friends telling me how awesome I am so sure someone single and available (since they aren’t) will swoop me up. Or when someone says “let him find you”….I spend more time outside my home than inside so what is the problem?! Is he hiding under my bed? But, I laugh at it all and still remain patient because I have no power to rush anything anyways.
Right? Maybe he’s at MY HOUSE, under my couch, and I’m out here being available, but he can’t find me!!!
This wasn’t directed at me, but I’m a man and people give me the exact same garbage for advice….especially the ‘wait, it’s not your time….the right woman will be there when it’s time’ crap.
Well, maybe one of those Miss or Mr. Cleos can tell me exactly when the hell my time will be. lol
Just found your site last week, good stuff. The all time worse thing to say to a single person (especially a woman): “Well..what’s wrong with you?”
WTF???? The implication is that you as a single person are broken and need fixing. Sometimes the problem is you, but sometimes it just ISN’T. It’s particularly galling coming from a man, as he’s trying to holla. Dude, you will not get chose asking me something like that.
Welcome to the site Tiffany. Glad you like what you’ve experienced so far.
my grandmother and great aunt confronted me a few months ago about this subject. actually they attacked me and my other cousin [we're the only straight females of our generation]. they were telling us we’re getting too old to not have boyfriends/possible husbands lined up to settle down with [mind you i just turned 22 in august]. they swear finding a decent man is so easy! i can’t meet any men worth my time and i refuse to settle for less…if i turn into the old bitter cat lady, so be it ;]
Everytime there is a wedding in my circle, I get that dull annoying ache. NOT for my friend or relative, but for the smart comments that I am going to have to hear from EVERYONE in my life who always has a snide comment. It is like the world wants for you to jump into a relationship and run down the aisle immediately if not sooner! What about going through the cycles of singleness, relationship, etc? It gets maddening. If I happen to see something that can really help a friend who wants to be in a relationship, I will tell them. If I don’t know, and am just making up stuff, I’ll shut my mouth. AND – if someone is dating someone for a long time. let the have their time to determine their next steps, your annoying advice, judgement, nor desire to go to an event is NOT helpful in pushing anything along!
Being single is wonderful & I wish humans would realize u don’t get ur identity from who or what u have BUT from what u give. We have allowed ourselves 2 be put in a box & told THIs Is THe WAY when in reality there is no one way that works for every1. Only when women(and men) realize they lack nothing & already have the needed tools 2 live a peaceful life all this drama about babies,marriage will cease.this is coming from a woman in a relationship already & who never dated in high school & went through all these crazy emotions until I saw the light. Single or united I’m happy & satisfied cause I love myself.
[...] Bitch you’re too damn picky, if you lowered your standards maybe a dude will slide you some cock! 5 Things Women Don’t Wanna hear [...]
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Sometimes it can be your enviorment…for ex. If you live in the so called “hood” ,MOST not all…but most guys that around are no good and options may seem limited.
Love the site! I recently ran across it and it’s great! Keep up the good work!
I seriously hate when people assume that you need advice on finding a man because you are a single women. I’ve had friends and even strangers ask ‘why aren’t you married?’ as if there is some crazy reason I am not married rather than it being a choice. Keep in mind these are also some of the same people that will tell me ‘You are so lucky’ when I say I’m going on a spur of the moment trip or when I tell them about the things I’m doing. We all make choices and neither is wrong. While some of my friends were in their early 20′s and trying to snatch a husband I knew that this wasn’t my path. I wanted to travel, live in new cities and focus on me and find who I wanted to be. I knew being married would not allow for the work or time required for a spouse in my life. I don’t judge the fact that they chose a different path. I have no regrets in the path I chose. I have experienced things many of them haven’t and am a completely different person now than in my early 20′s. I can’t imagine marrying someone I dated back then! I’d be a divorce statistic just like a good majority of them are LOL! When the right one comes I’m ready in the meantime I’m enjoying my life. These people with questions or advice need to realize all of us single women are not desperately on a hunt for a man and don’t have a problem meeting or dating men. I’m not willing to settle just to say that I am married. I’ve met some great men and each experience helps me understand what I do & don’t want.
[...] 5 Things Single Women Hate to Hear…Fly Guy Chronicles [...]
I hear #5 more often than not….Its not a negative comment to hear (or even something I dont want to hear as a single NY woman) I do agree that the statement is interpreted by single women exactly as you have described. (((Sidebar: I much rather know up front that a guy isnt into my type soon rather than later……less time wasted))). I don’t think people really give much thought into the advice they are giving…I genuinely believe they just feel they need to tell a person something as not to seem insensitive to the plight of the other person. 8 times out of 10 they really arent thinking about how the other person will interpret the advice, they just want to acknowledge the single persons dilemma and (brainstorm…if you will) be apart of the solution. I’m not a sensitive soul…so I guess thats why I have a positive take on it. Its just great to hear people conversing about the topic. This FLY GUY is something else, lol (keep’em talkin hun, dialogue is a powerful thing ;-)
That’s what happens when you get too much “PILLOW TALK”!