Does Your Sexual Past Really Matter?
Sep 1st, 2009 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Perspectives
Comments (21)
In a recent piece, I detailed 3 things that you should keep to yourself in the early stages of dating. After the piece was published, there seemed to be some disagreement over one of my points. Here’s what I wrote.
1. The number of past sexual partners.
I don’t care what they say; no one wants to really know how many sexual partners you’ve had before them. So unless your name is Mary and you have a fondness for mangers and swaddling cloth, keep that number to yourself. Guard it like Joe Jackson guards his last bit of self respect. (Bad example.)
Of the responses, the comments and emails ranged from gentle disagreement to indignation. Here’s a small sampling.
**Geela
“I disagree with #1. That’s a part of knowing your partner’s sexual history, which is vital to your health and well being.”
**C
#1 is important to know. You should want to know someone’s history. Knowing the number is one thing and knowing whether they were safe doing so is another. It only takes one wrong slip up. It also lets you know if they have any standards or if they are willing to get at whatever is thrown to them.
**Tina
“Fly Guy, how can you say that it’s not important??? Have you bumped your head? I need to know if he might have something!!!”
**DB
FG, I’m not feelin you on #1. Whores are whores. If she’s slept with more than 10 people, I’m not coming behind that. There’s no telling what will come crawling out.
And on and on it went…
Listen, I can understand you wanting to know the number of sexual partners that your significant other has had. I get it … and if the two of you agree to share that then by all means go for it. But in the early stages of getting to know someone, I’m a firm believer that revealing that number can do more harm than good. Why? Because sex can cloud your perception of who that person really is.
Deconstructing Unfair Perceptions:
To me, a person’s sexual history is irrelevant in the initial stages of getting to know them due to the false sense of safety or danger that it creates. Let me give you an example.
I know a young lady who’s currently HIV positive. She met a charming guy; fell in love; he cheated and ultimately passed the disease on to her. If you were to ask how many men she’s slept with, her answer would be “two.”
Now if you’re a guy and were having a conversation with her about sex, her telling you that she’s only been with two people would give off the air that she was in effect “safe,” and that you could possibly have unprotected sex with her. That’s certainly not the case.
By contrast, I also know someone who probably has no idea how many men she’s slept with. From society’s perspective, it would seem like she’s running through men like toilet paper. But what you also need to know is that she always practices safe sex, gets tested every three months, and has never contracted anything close to an STD. She also adamantly believes in monogamy.
To that same guy, I’m sure that if the two of them sat down for dinner, and the same conversation came up, he would either wrap himself up in a body condom, or think it was guaranteed that he was getting sex on the first night. Both of those perceptions would be unfair and inaccurate.
The Fly Guy Moral-
What those examples provide is a great illustration of the potential dangers of judging a book by its cover …. or in this case, its number. A good rule of thumb is to always practice either abstinence or safe sex in the early stages of the dating process. And even as things progress, couples should get tested together and still continue to practice safe sex right up until they exchange vows.
Now you may not agree with my philosophy, and that’s fine. I don’t expect you to agree with everything that I write. But I would like you to understand the true power of perception, and the potential dangers caused by it. It takes time to get to know a person and to understand both their story and back story. Neither can be properly understood with a single question. So take the time to get to know the whole of a person before making your decision on who they are, and what they represent—particularly when it comes to sex. I was discussing this topic with a close friend today, and she hit the nail on the head.
Nina Brown, V-103 Atlanta:
“All that’s really important is whether or not they have any STD’s, and if the other person is going to be monogamous in the current relationship. In all fairness, the number may give you an idea of one’s character, but I don’t think it’s really so “black & white.” Base it on the current, and not on their past info.” (Follow Nina)
I couldn’t agree more. Your thoughts?
(3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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I’m sorry, but those commenters are idiots. Especially the guy who said a woman who had been with 10 guys is a whore. Last I checked, a whore was a person who had sex for money, and there isn’t a number attached to that definition. Are we living in 1850 now?
I never ask my partners number, because it doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is how many times they’ve not practiced safe sex, how often they get tested and if they’ve ever had an STD. You can have sex the first time and get a STD, so how does know knowing their number of sexual partners really help you? It doesn’t. At all.
I always make the mistake of asking men how many people they’ve had sex with. Many of them don’t give me a clear answer or they give me a figure between this and that number. But I cringe at the thought of someone asking me that question… Not because I’ve had many sexual partners, but because that’s very personal, and I too know that men’s perception of a woman could be warped if she so happens to mention a number over the count of the fingers on one hand. However, I do think that it is important to ask the vital questions in the beginning of a relationship. Do you have any STD’s? Have you ever had any STD’s? Are you a heterosexual male? have you ever had forced male on male sex? (if he’s ever been to jail…) That’s my list. And even though these questions may also change my perception of him. I think they’re justified enough so. I whole-heartedly agree that people should abstain from sex until getting to know someone. You’d be surprised at what you’d learn. It could save your life.
I am just curious because I am well informed about DL lifestyle as I am close friends with several gay men both in and out of the closet… Its wild!!!
But when you ladies inquire about them having male on male sexual relationships forced or voluntary… Are you really expecting a TRUTHFUL answer? Have you ever gotten a man to admit that he had a bi-sexual relationship when he was portraying himself as a heterosexual??? It such a taboo!!
I think you have a much better chance of convincing him to tell you his number of partners.
Instead of worrying about who he had sex with, worry about his status. I hear people saying its important for your own health. Honestly A man can sleep with 20 girls, with a condom and not have anything, then you can have one that messed up with the 3rd partner and caught something. Instead of setting yourself up for drama when you know you might be upset about how many girls he had, just both of you go and get tested, together, go home read your results, and if all if good, then you can do your thing.
I am one of those females that asks a guy about his sexual history, but that’s because I’m nosy. It usually doesn’t happen until we’re in a relationship or if my curiosity gets the better of me. In the beginning stages of getting to know someone, sex doesn’t come up b/c I’m not trying to give the wrong impression. There’s a 95% percent chance he & I will not make it to the bedroom so why give him false hope. When I feel that we are heading in that direction, then I want to know when was the last time you had sex & when was the last time you were tested. I’m fairly certain I’ve never asked a person if they’ve had an STD. I just need to know your current status.
But I digress.
Number of sexual partners is indicative of nothing substantial. One’s past is not their present. I’ll be honest and admit that I hate sharing. So if his number astounds me, it may be hard to arouse me. Other than that, I just need to see dated documentation that says you’re free to board this ride.
Well put… I guess I’m a little nosey and too damn intuitive. I want to know any and everything. And those are some pretty crazy questions for anyone to ask right off bat. So I usually wait until I think he’s def someone who I think I’d have sexual relations with. Though I ask these questions, I never ask to see proof of such documentation proving status. Guilty! I do, however, always practice safe sex. But really… how safe is it taking chances into account? From now on, I will def ask for paper before anyone boards my ride!
board this ride ….you guys are hilarious.
Well said! I NEVER want to know. I just want to know their current results and that they use safe habits with me!
There are very few people who ask this question that can handle the answer. It never even crossed my mind until abt 22 years after we got married and it hardly makes a difference by then so i guess i’m not the best example. Basically you need to get to REALLY know someone before you start going down certain roads—and i won’t judge ’cause that will vary from person to person. Some people are comfortable rushing right into it and then thinking about getting serious later. Others take more time. Some have to have their car and money stolen before they realize its time to keep it moving.
Your response is right on DeWayne and so is Nina’s. Before having sex with a person is it more important to know how many other people they have had sex with or what, if anything, have they contracted from those sexual encounters? I, personally, would want to know both eventually, but the latter is much more important in the initial stages of a relationship.
I guess it was over looked when I stated “Knowing the number is one thing and knowing whether they were safe doing so is another. It only takes one wrong slip up.” I was saying know the person’s status is more important. The number of females usually let’s you know whether or not he just sleeps with numerous women at random. I agree with REINA I hate answering the question but if I’m being asked I want to know the same in return. That’s the only time I ask for a number. Otherwise, I just need to know you have been tested negative to everything and we’re good LOL.
Whereas number can be an interesting tidbit, I don’t care if you’ve been with 316 or 3, as long as you treat me right, let me treat you right, and don’t have anything. Too many people get too caught up on numbers. Very few of us are going to explore unexplored territory, and most of us go though a slut or whore phase somewhere. If you say you won’t go near a girl who’s been with more than 10, shouldn’t women be able to say the same about you? Too many times we judge women by different standards than men sexually, and in today’s age it’s just ridiculous. Be faithful, treat ‘em right, and be honest.
It is interesting to me that women feel the need to ask men the number of sexual partners that they have had as if they were promised an honest answer. I feel as if it is almost a wasted question, a rather pointless one!!
I have several male friends that I have candid relationships with and the bottom line is they aren’t going to answer you or they aren’t going to tell you the truth. They might tell me the truth and the answer is “I don’t know!!!” I also don’t know very many if any women who would tell the REAL truth. My friends and most associates (lol) are far from “whores or sluts”. I wouldn’t even catergorize most of them as “easy” however, they have all lived life and aren’t goingt to be judged by a number of partners in a double standard society.
Shaving and omiting information is done on both sides, so to me aside from just a random question one would ask with the expectation of a very random answer… I would expect a non-truth.
Depending on ones college experience the number for men could be well into the 50′s or even 100′s. I remember quite vividly that frat guys “got it in”. We won’t even factor in the jet setting, wealthy professionals, whatever their occupations may be, who may have a one night stand each night of each trip to: Superbowls, All Stars, College homecomings, Derby’s, Memorial Day weekends, Labor Day weekends, Black Bike Week, Caribana, New Year’s Eves, Fight weekends in Vegas… And the list goes on:) I’m going to let you do the math.
I would really assume that most men probably just don’t know. I guess I don’t know many men who are in the single digits or who have even bothered to keep count. As premiscious as our society is… I again, highly doubt that you would get a true answer. So I just don’t see the point of asking..
I think guys are screwed on this one regardless of how they answer the question.
Any woman secure enough to take a man at face value shouldn’t really be giving a damn how many OTHER WOMEN a grown-ass man has slept with in the past.
If the number is too high, she’s probably gonna think he’s a man-whore. (But he’s oddly more likely to get play as a result. Maybe she’ll be the one to ‘calm him down’…..yeah, right! lol) If the number’s too low, she’s gonna question his sexuality (like some women have done with me) or she’s gonna think he’s some lame reject that can’t get any.
you are completely right. all that really matters is that neither of you have any STD’s. #’s dont make or break a persons personality or character. if a man were to tell me about a bunch of sexual partners, it may be a turn off and the same if he is “not very experienced”. SO in this case, knowing how many is NOT better.
….. and if a man ever asked how many partners i’ve had…. i’d never really tell the truth about that… just being honest! LOL
@ amia
Exactly. Who gives a crap about numbers?
My number is THREE. (No bullsh*t. I put that on EVERYTHING.) And I’m damned proud of it, too. Not many guys my age are selective when it comes to who they have sex with.
@ Third
how old are you?
I am 25.
I agree the number should not matter as long as it was done as a single person & not outside of a relationship. I also say this as a woman who is 22, had sex first time@20 with current lover who was not a virgin. The rate of protection is way more important than the rate of partner
I don’t think numbers are that important because that has very little bearing on things. A person could have slept with a number you might consider large but that could have been at a very different time in their lives during a very emotionally devestating time in their life. The important thing is if you were safe and even if someone decieved that person and gave them something. You need to decided if loving this person is worth dealing with it.
Ok so sex is a big part of relationship everyone knows that and so is communication. So what you’re saying is everything else in a persons life can be talked about except the number of sexual partners. I don’t agree with this but I know some people out there just dont care how many people a potential girlfriend/boyfriend has slept with. If Im gonna be with someone I want to know everything about them. I know that I would never be with a girl that has slept with 20 or more men. This is my own personal choice. If a girl won’t tell how many she’s been with I’ll assume thats its been a lot and end the relationship on the spot no matter how much I like her. Theres too many good girls out there to settle for anything less.