The Single Woman Blues
Jul 20th, 2009 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Letters
Comments (15)
Subject: Love Advice
Title: Females in Distress
Dear Fly Guy,
As the title states we are two best friends in distress. Both of us are smart, fly, gorgeous college students in Atlanta, Georgia where we all know the demographic is kind of one-sided. Our question to you is where are all the good black men at? In our four years of college, we have only met liars and cheaters. All we want is a stable relationship with a good black man. What should we do?
P.S. Is it alright for a woman to approach a man? The reason we are asking is because men seem to be intimidated.
Dear Females in Distress,
The best piece of advice I can give you is to not lose hope. So many people approach dating as if they’re just going to luck up and stumble upon the perfect man or woman. I don’t believe in luck though. To me, “luck” only occurs when opportunity meets preparedness. I’m sure there were times when you met someone that could have been the “one,” but for some reason the timing just wasn’t right … it’s happened to us all. At this point, the best thing you can do is be patient, and continue your self-improvement in advance of the right opportunity presenting itself. You also need to make sure you’re wearing a good repellent to ward off all the liars and cheaters that you both seem to keep attracting.
Now to answer your second question, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a woman asking a guy out. In fact, I’m going to share with you my thoughts on the subject (Read 4 Tips When Asking A Guy Out On A Date). I hope this helps.
The Fly Guy
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Great advice. Another thing to bear in mind is most men in collage are just looking to have a good time and not to find miss right. So you do need a lot of repellent.
Where do I start. Im so tired of women asking this same tired question, “Where are all the good black men at?” We are right here and have been. The question really is what do you really want? Typical criteria that a black man has to meet is a salary of 50K, able to take you out and spend 100.00 for dinner two, three times a week and we must drive a luxury sedan. Just like women get irritated with us being infatuated with the physical, women are the exact same way with what the guy can do for her. What are you bringing to the table besides an appetite? Now this may be more for the older crowd because typically nobody, men OR ladies know what they really want at this age, ms areyouagoodcatch.
I have to agree w/S. Diddy to some degree. It’s unfortunate that “some” women are asking for traits in a man even they don’t possess. Being patient and working on self is the best advice
What I find interesting is that men will complain about how women expect a certain income bracket and give an example income which is, imo, quite average as hell. $50k? That’s asking too much? Really?? Based on my college friends, a $40-60k income after graduation was the norm and we are women.
Proving the point, women who are more worried about what income bracket a man is in, will most likely come up wanting and asking themselves or should I say their girlfriends,”where are all the good black men?”. There was no complaint, just an arbitrary number that of course was jumped on in an attmept to once again justify why women expect certain things when many of them dont bring atleast the same to the table as pointed out by Ms. Meeks.
I was just saying what I find interesting not that I want a certain income but since I fall in that income range then I guess I do have a right to ask for what I already possess as Ms. Meeks mentioned. Income does not matter but my dad always told us a man must afford a wife (or woman) or else he is not a man.
If I felt like I needed to ‘afford’ a wife, then maybe I don’t ever need to get married. I didn’t know women were objects that were to be ‘afforded’.
Besides, if I was a millionaire back when I was in college…why the heck would I be in college?
And I agree with S. Diddy on this whole ‘where are the good black men’ stuff a lot of Black women ask on a daily basis. Before joining the military, I, too, was a college student, and let me tell you…..what women SAY they want and what women ACTUALLY GO AFTER are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.
Sure, most women say they want a good man, but they often go after the ‘finest’ Brotha with the flyest car and the freshest clothes and then HOPE they are getting a man that also knows how to treat women and a man that knows what being a man is all about at the same time INSTEAD of getting to know a man for his personality first. But I guess that’s too difficult for some people to do….not everyone is willing to take a chance on a truly good man just because he doesn’t start for the football team or because he’s not the most popular guy on campus.
Once we move past these high school games some people like to play, maybe things will start looking up for relationships in general.
As long as I’m alive and single, the statement “There aren’t any good Black men out there” is FALSE. Point blank.
@Third_of_August you are so right and it’s about time someone said it. I hate that women say there are no “good men” *ugh*. Most of the time women chase after a man who is a jerk and think they can change him *ha ha*, you can’t change a grown man he has to want to change. Like you said, “what women SAY they want and what women ACTUALLY GO AFTER are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS” and that’s for damn sure a true fact. This fact alone makes believe that most women wouldn’t know a good man if picked her up to walk through the door way.
I have said my peace
@ Princess
Thanks for your comments…..I wish we as a people would quit making dating and relationships so complicated with all our personal hangups we have about everything. I’m done criticizing women and the bad choices in men some of them make. If you play in garbage, don’t get mad when you come out smelling like trash.
@All
And there is no problem with a woman approaching a man, AS LONG AS IT’S DONE RESPECTFULLY AND TASTEFULLY…..ESPECIALLY in the case of the two ladies that sent this letter in….If they aren’t meeting quality men, maybe it’s time they got proactive and started putting themselves in situations where they can meet quality men…and it probably ain’t popping off at the club, the bar, the mall, or at the McDonald’s across the street from campus on Friday nights, either. (Sorry, that was me going back to my Howard days…LOL)
If you don’t like what you’re getting in life, you gotta do something to change it.
Any mature man won’t be intimidated by a woman approaching him. (Unless you’re coming at him with that infamous Destiny’s Child ‘I’m independent and I can pay my own bills’ bull-dookie….LOL)
Hell, I personally would appreciate it every once in a while. I can’t speak for other men, but I know I like to feel what it’s like to have a woman interested in me without having to don the gasoline draws and jump through the hoops-o-fire every time I approach one of y’all.
@ Third of August…. preach brother, i definetly agree with you on pretty much everything you stated, and honestly think your speaking for most of us GOOD BLACK MEN out there with your previous 2 post(comments)
Not really sure if i’m allowed to do this but here’s a link to a young woman that addressed the same thing in her v-blog the other day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY0ptwrR_zI
I agree with you guys. I’m tired of women using the “There Aren’t Any Good Black Men Out There” excuse. I wrote a mini blog about it. http://urlifeguru.blogspot.com/2009/07/in-search-of-good-black-man.html
Sorry if links aren’t allowed.
Well Im married and have a kid thats a toddler and another in my stomach.I think a good man might be right in front of you.The thing that black men have thing that they could get any woman they want.This is about balck men they either gay,in jail,or married.I think you should just chill down and finish college and just find the perfect man when god give him to you.Just wait until someone that aren’t the things I just point out!
Smooches
@ Keyshia
“The thing that black men have thing that they could get any woman they want.”
“This is about balck men they either gay,in jail,or married.”
With all due respect….
If THOSE weren’t THE D-1 most RIDICULOUS two statements I could ever hear a Black woman say….and back-to-back, no less…..
First off….what is that one thing all men have that can get them any woman they want? If your answer begins with the letter ‘D’ and rhymes with ’stick’, then that is a SERIOUS PROBLEM! We as a people have GOT to think better than that! The fact that you potentially think that a man is good as long as he’s got the male appendage is something I’d expect to hear the average GUY my age say. Hell, I’ve got one of those, and trust me when I say, women are NOT chomping at the bit to get with me just because of that!
And as far as all Black men being gay, in jail, or married…..Well….I think about 8-15 percent (tops!) of Black men are in jail. That leaves a STRONG NINETY PERCENT or so NOT IN JAIL.
And as far as Black men getting married….? Don’t we see and hear every day about how Black people AREN’T married? Let me go grab a statistic, so I can be factual here….According to the Census Bureau in 2004…..30.1 percent of Black men are currently married. That leaves a STRONG SEVENTY PERCENT or so of Black men that aren’t married….
And as far as the homos go…..that is something women need to learn how to sniff out on their own since there are so many out there that like to be secretive about it and what not. I still wonder how some gay dudes get more play from straight women (most of whom will lament about how ‘all Black men are gay’ not much unlike you just did) than us straight guys do.
Sometimes I don’t know whether to laugh or be sad about poor (figure of speech) American men. Your women never have anything good to say to be honest. I mean I am black (not American) and a lot of the sistas over on your side always have negative things to say. I used to say that too (well, the ‘no good men’) part until I sat down with an African American friend and compared notes. Y’all need to love your people – surely it cant be sooo bad….?
s.diddy & Third_of_August unfortunately are on the money :-) Too many times we women say one thing and act another when looking for a man or dating. I am still trying to change that. Some days I win (like when I am dating a guy purely on his heart – yeah right!LOl – oh and did I mention that he has a big a$$ house? LMAO) and on others I don’t. But seriously – I am not dating simply because I keep doing that – being an unconscious gold-digger. Maybe a strong word, but the attitude is similar. And that right there is what we (women) need to change & stop saying “there are no good black men”.
But to digress a bit FG – how do I meet the need for security in my relationship without wanting a guy who has lotsa money, a degree and a good car? Because honestly, its kinda hard to love someone who cannot have my back when things get rough. Mind you – I can guarantee I have his back :-)
@ xenon
I know you directed your question at FG, but I’ll take a shot at it….(In case nobody noticed, I am quite long-winded when it comes to relationships…LOL)
The best way to ‘meet your security needs’, as you put it, without coming across as a gold digger is to simply learn how to like men for more than their wallets. Once you get to that point, it won’t matter how much money he’s making…..as long as you’re not dating a total broke-ass and you’re taking care of yourself, I don’t think you should have to worry about much after that.
And I also think a lot of women are struggling with finding good men because y’all watched too much Oprah (how can you take man advice from someone who’s basically never had one?) and WAAAAAAY too much BET and now y’all have set the bar so ridiculously high that a lot of otherwise ‘good’ Brothas simply can’t stack up. Some of y’all ladies really want Superman, and y’all ain’t nowhere close to being Lois Lane yourselves. (Not that Superman actually exists.)