Is Narcissism Keeping You Single? (Guest Feature)
Jul 13th, 2009 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Features
Comments (11)
Fly Intro: A friend shared with me a recent CNN article that deserves some burn within the Fly Guy community. After reading, stick around so we can dive into today’s Fly Discussion.
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Source: Wendy Atterberry
It’s no secret that people are getting married later these days than in previous generations, and in this culture of hook-ups and “modern female dating anxiety,” we’re at no loss for theories that explain why.
Some people say today’s twentysomethings are delaying marriage to focus on careers and build close friendships instead, but another explanation paints a less flattering picture of young people.
Apparently, they’re all just a bunch of narcissists. In an article on The Daily Beast this week, writer Hannah Seligson, explores this theory, writing: “narcissism, even in small doses, has shifted courtship into a high-stakes relationship culture.
Now that people think more highly of themselves, expectations of what a relationship should be like have skyrocketed into the realm of superlatives.
Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.”
But is it true that twentysomethings think more highly of themselves and have greater expectations for their lives than older generations did at their age? And, if so, is that such a bad thing? Seligson cites psychology professors W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge, authors of the book, The Narcissism Epidemic, who “chart the dramatic rise in the number of Americans who have a clinical narcissist personality disorder.”
Surveying a wide representation of 35,000 Americans, they discovered that “nearly 10 percent of twentysomethings reported symptoms of narcissism, compared to just over 3 percent of those over 65.” And in an age of confessional blogging, and constant Facebook and Twitter updates, that figure isn’t hard to believe.
Some believe this blatant self-regard is a product of the “Oprah school of thought,” or the idea that you have to love yourself before anyone else will.
While Twenge says there’s no evidence that people with higher self-esteem have better relationships, Terry Real, a therapist and relationship expert, adds: “There is a national obsession with feeling good about yourself. We have done a good job teaching people to come up from shame, but have ignored the issue of having people come down from grandiosity.
The result seems to be a generation of young people who view everything — especially relationships — in terms of the happiness it brings them and how good it makes them feel about themselves.
This is a problem, the experts say, because relationships are about compromise, about sometimes sacrificing what makes you happy for what makes your partner happy.
So if focusing so intently on one’s personal happiness and gratification is a bad thing, how should today’s twentysomethings examine the merits of a potential mate? If their own good feelings are a narcisstic lens through which to view a relationship, what’s the appropriate way to examine it?
My hunch is we’re not giving twentysomethings enough credit. They’re a smart, well-educated bunch, if a tad self-involved. But come on, it’s not like it’s some new phenomenon for twentysomethings to act narcissistic. The experts say today’s crop is three times more narcissistic that their grandparents, but they don’t reveal how narcissistic those grandparents were when they were in their twenties.
I suspect today’s youth, just like the generations before, will mature and become less self-involved over time. They’ll begin seeing potential mates in terms of not only how happy they make them feel, but how much better they are when they’re with them: better friends, better employees, better contributing members of society.
But don’t expect it to happen overnight — twentysomethings today are busy enjoying their “me” time (and tweeting about every minute of it).
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Fly Discussion Question: So what are your thoughts on the piece? Do you believe that narcissism has played a role in the standards you’ve set for a mate? Let’s talk about it.
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I totally agree with this article. After the baby boomer generation women began to seek something more than just the husband and kids. Divorce rates went up and the marriage age increased because women were trying to in a sense “find themselves.” Women became more career oriented and somehow the idea of husband and kids didn not fit into that lifestyle. In todays generation it seems that if you do not come to the table with at least two degrees or a stable well paying job then you don’t fit the bill. To me it is all about self gratification and the whole what have you done for me lately attitude that our generation is so stuck on. It seems as if we can not be happy without a mate that does not have it all regardless of how happy they make you feel.
Wow! Good stuff
I could go on and on and on. But what I will say is this…my elders saw the potential in their mate and worked with them and they built a life TOGETHER. It seems now-a-days if a person is not “ready made” they are not an ideal candidate.
I agree with The_Pretty_Truth. You need to see the potential in someone and work together to build a life together. I think that is the only way it will really last. You both have to be apart of the process
Agree!
I agree with seeing the potential as well. As long as he is marketable and a go-getter then I can make things work. I was told to view marriage as a buiness merger. You don’t take on troubled assets and you dang sure don’t allow your own stock to drop in the meantime.
I was married and found that compromise was eventually our demise. One partner was willing to compromise while another was not. Dating now is superficial at times because everyone is in a rat race to get somewhere close to Bill Gates never thinking about life while on that journey.
I’d say it’s good to be about loving you, getting what you deserve or is worth but apply some humility and realism in there somewhere. This is life not a movie. As a lot of status’ say on Facebook…its complicated lol
@ FG
Excellent concept. If only I could actually see it being applied in real life. LOL
It seems like nobody is willing to work together to build any kind of relationship from the ground up these days….I swear it feels like I have to already be a millionaire with all my ducks in line to even have a shot at meeting decent women these days.
I somewhat agree with this article……………………………………………
My husband and I were having a conversation the other day about this. People have forgotten that relationships take the effort of both persons involved. I consider myself a very independent woman, but that does stop me from working WITH my husband to build the successful relationship that we have. I
If you are all about doing you, then do that. If you are look to do you and build a relationship at the same time, then there has to be a balance. Everyone has a part to play in a relationship. No one said it has to be the stereo typical role, but you need to figure out your prospective roles.
I fear that the twentysomethings will not figure it out when they get older, because it is typical to see mostly women in their 40s and 50s that still haven’t. They are hung-up on the standers of twentysomethings. How often do you see women that you think should be beyond that still competing with the twentysomethings? There is nothing wrong with enjoying life at any age, but being confident does mean that you are better than others or too good for anyone. It just means that you are comfortable in your own skin. There is a very thin line between confidence and arrogance.
wow..this is a good one. 1st I want to comment on the “seeing the potential” topic. I have a huge hang up on that.. because all potential is is just that.. potential. Every single one of us has the potential to do anything…but if a person chooses not to push themselves to accomplish goals to become more, then what good is that potential? If you date someone, you should be willing to accept them and love them even if they never accomplished another thing.. love them for where they are, not where they COULD be or who they COULD become, and when or IF they use their potential to grow, GREAT, thats more to love.
Regarding this generation as being narcissistic; I would agree 100%, BUT is there anythihng wrong with that? The truth is if you don’t put yourself first in this “game” called life, you will get left in the dust.. of course it is necessary to enjoy the ride as you live it, but you have to put YOU first until you commit to a marriage which is when you and your mate become a team to tackle the world together.
I soooo am in ‘amia’s’ corner, lol! Written eloquently. We need to love someone regardless of potential, because thats where the problems stems from. Thinking you’ll be set in a few years when his/her job steps up a notch. Or getting the coveted Saab convertible when s/he makes Partner in 3yrs. We gotta love them unconditionally from ‘get go’ – and boy is that hard!
For me the killer is not putting myself first. My mom did that – put others first. Her partner her kids, siblings and it had its side effects. Don’t get me wrong, what she did was AWESOME but when doing that she planted her hopes in those people. And when some member of the family is not making it like she hoped & sacrificed for – we hear – how she gave up everything for us, so we could be better people & instead what have we done?? Wasted her time & energy & she is disappointed that her efforts were not fruitful.
Its all so grey isn’t it? Thank God for The Word, I just hand it over to God when it scrambles my brain.