When Should A Woman Pay?
Jun 9th, 2009 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Letters
Comments (14)
Dear Fly Guy,
When is it appropriate for a woman to pay for a date? We seem to be having a disagreement about this with the men in my office. Thanks for your help.
Regina
Dear Regina,
Similar to the effect of Aretha Franklin removing her bra, the rules on a woman paying are all over the place. But let me attempt to provide a small amount of clarity on the subject. There are some who suggest that it becomes a woman’s duty to pay at or around the third date. I couldn’t disagree more. Most men (myself included) take the chivalrous approach when it comes to dating, and as a result, pay for a large majority of all dating activities. But there does come a time when the financial load should be shared. Since you’re unsure of when, here’s a fly rule of thumb to help determine the breakdown:
Whoever extends the date invitation should offer to pay.
What does this mean? Well, for starters, you can’t ask him to join you for lunch and then be upset if he doesn’t cover the entire tab. (Hey, it was your idea.) Now if he does offer, then great, but you can’t walk into the date having that expectation.
In my opinion, the ideal dating scenario consists of both sides working together to make things works. So if you’re dating someone, and you really want it to thrive, then you shouldn’t have a problem occasionally putting your money where your mouth is. That’s just the way I see it.
The Fly Guy
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Sounds fair. I agree. Thanks for checking us in a fly and polite way! LOL
Hey, I know that can be a sensitive topic for both men and women :-)
A woman should pay when she feels the need. Or if he paid once she could pay the next time. That is equal!!!
I’m in complete agreement with the rule of thumb. If you ask me out, be prepared to pay. If I ask you, I will. Any man interested in quid pro quo need not apply.
I dont know if there’s a cut & dried rule on how many dates in it would be but personally, if a woman never even ATTEMPTS to chip in for ANYTHING we do, she’s getting the hook. Just b/c I want to spend time with you, doesnt make me your sponsor.
I agree. Whomever asks, pays.
I was once asked on a date by a woman that decided to show up with NO MONEY AT ALL….and then she didn’t even eat half the food she ordered.
Needless to say, that was the last date we ever went on. These days, I’m very particular about the kind of women I date.
who ever ask should pay. as a man if you’re one that likes to pay but can’t then simply decline and wait til you can pay. If dating, (in the beginning) shouldn’t the man pay all the time? I know there’s exceptions but shouldn’t he?
I have not problems paying….I think we should pay once in awhile. I like to take care of man, cater to him and do for him. Men like to be taken care of too……
I dont mind paying if I invite you out, but at the begining of your courtship You as the man should be paying :)
I personally do not feel that I should ever be made to feel that I should “offer” to pay for a man that I am dating and not involved in a monogamous relationship with. I do understand that this is “2009″, and all that loveliness, but there are certain values that I grew up with that I continue to hold close and paying for a date is one of them. In these economic times I am very understanding of financial contraints but dates do not have to be expensive. Going to play putt putt is not expense. Going to an early matinee is less expensive. Screen on the green is free, and I’ll even “pay” for the food that I use to pack the picnic basket. But I personally have an old school way of thinking. Have I paid for a date before…..yes, with a brother that I was seeing exclusively. Yet there was never a feeling of obligation to pay. Even if I am seeing you and I suggest that I’d like to go somewhere such as a new restaurant, to shoot pool, Six Flags, to see EWF at the Fox….etc., as a man, I have always felt that there was an understanding that my suggestion does not denote that I am also treating. My father and my mother both raised me to believe that courting consists of a man taking a woman out on dates, and yes…you always make sure you have enough to get home in case that idiot starts to act a fool or thinks that just because he took you to dinner you “owe” him something…….but he “dates” you….and you don’t reach for any checks. So for the most part I’ve learned to “stay in my lane”… I know I’m putting myself in front of the firing squadron….so let the bullets begin. LOL
reply to #10
“but he dates you…and you dont reach for any checks”
i never knew i could date someone without them dating me back.
if that’s the case can someone please give halle berry this memo cause we are officially dating now…well at least i’m dating her.
@ third_of_august
So she showed up with no money at all and now it’s got you all bitter. So now you’re going to be picky. Tsk, tsk – taking old dating relationships into the future. Not good. I always offer and will pay for half of my date. If I don’t have money – I don’t go out.
@ qwerty
Bitter? No.
Was I upset? of course. I had to pay for a date that I was invited on. Ever had that happen to you? When you do, let me know how that feels.
Selective? Always. Someone’s gotta be selective….even though being selective in my case means I end up not dating much.
1st date he pays just b/c it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. After that who ever asks pays. If as a woman or man you choose to offer to pick up parking or leave a tip then that’s fine too. Relationships should be give and take equally.