Should He Give Up On Black Women?

I am a black woman and I have been waiting for my “black prince ” for a long time. I am 24, single, no kids and lot of black men ( I am using the term loosely )of my age range do not meet my expectations for what I want in a man. 1. No kids 2. Non smoking 3. Employed 4. H.S. Diploma. You know the basics. So after entering the dating field I have decided to be open minded in finding my “prince” as well. If I meet my “black prince” great but if he happens to be of a different race then that is the way it was intended to be. As long as I am happy and my “prince” is happy others should not care because I personally would not care about what they think.

I say keep a open mind and you will find the one your are suppose to be with.

Wish you the best of luck

J.P.

As a black woman I say..”Go for it”. When you meet that one, no one in this world will matter when you are together. Live a little and experience a lot

I think what it boils down to is what you want and what makes you happy. If you want to date outside of your race, then you have to be strong enough to deal with everything that comes along with it.

However, perhaps the failure of J.P.’s relationships with black women have to do with the type of women he’s choosing.

First off, thank you, FG, for responding to my letter. I’m owning up to this one because I really would like to find a long-term solution to my ongoing problem even though the country in which I’m stationed might only be my place of duty for a short while (like, 1-3 years).

@LadyJ…I don’t think my choice in women is/was the main source of my problem. As a guy that doesn’t really know what kind of woman is right for him yet, all I can really do is have a set of standards that I’d LIKE to have and then go from there. I will, however, state that I don’t get out there and try nearly as much as I used to several years ago. In fact, I’ve only talked to one woman since 2006. There just haven’t been many opportunities for me lately (especially since joining the military).

@ J.P theres one thing you have to remember

At the end of the day, the main goal is to find that special lady that makes you happy and if she happens to be black or of a different race it shouldnt matter because at the end of the day your happiness is the end result of what youre looking for. I say dont give up on finding the right black woman thats for you but also keep an open mind when your looking because the love of your life may end up being of another race.

As far as the percentage of black women that do not agree with blck men dating out of their race you always have to remember that people will always have an opinion and our lives shouldn’t be lived based on a few stranger’s opinions.

** I just had to come back and say that My only problem with some black men dating out of their race is when their reason for dating out of their race becomes a self hate issue or when they catagorize all black women into the same group. Below is a few examples that I’ve heard some of them say

Example 1: I only date women of other races because I want my kids to look mixed.

I say: Anyone thats taken science(biology) should know that genetics is a funny thing and infact I have 2 bi-racial cousins that are both by the same parents and one has blond hair & blue eyes and fair skin and the other one is the complete opposite.

Example 2: I dont deal with black women because they are all loud, always want to argue and ect…

I say: every race has its loud mouths,every race has its idiots and ect, its not fair to group a whole race of women based on the few you’ve dated.

Oh and based J.P’s letter he doesnt fall under this catagory but I just wanted to leave my grain of salt on this matter.

**Sorry for writting paragraphs lol I swear I never comment this much FLY GUY. And Good luck J.P

Milly…

I appreciate your thoughts.

That’s always been part of the inner struggle I’ve had…getting out there and trying something new (albeit that ‘new’ might not entirely be what I want at first) versus staying the course and trying to find what I prefer….even though what I prefer not only is scarce where I’m located, but apparently doesn’t even care that I exist, either.

I agree with you that happiness is what matters most in the end. Unfortunately, I haven’t genuinely been happy with this part of my life in….well….almost never.

As far as people that date outside of their race strictly for revenge or to have kids with ‘the good hair’….that’s bullcrap. People like that should only be restricted to dating their dominant hand.

Thanks again for sharing your opinion.

-J.P.

Don’t give up on us black women. Please understand we have more to conform to. We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. We are more suspicious because everyone wants to take from us and they never want to give back. We are more louder because no one wants to listen to our point of view. We have to not be so real with the weaves or we are deemed to be radical. We have to hide our real curves and starve ourselves to look like the stars of TV or be portrayed as ugly or big and beautiful.

So wait my king for your queen is coming.

-JP
I can understand your concerns and I agree with the other comments that it all boils down to who makes you happy! I think that we focus on the ideal image that we want our partners to be, but lose sight of the fact that we may not be all that we are searching for because its a two way street. We may have certain qualifications that we want a person to meet, but that doesn’t mean that we will be ideal for that person, so dating today has become so complicated that it truly is based on who God has in store for you and if you set a lot of pre-qualifications then you may be missing what God has in store for you!

DJ SixSix

@ qwerty

You aren’t the only ones carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders.

We have to be bombarded every waking moment from OUR OWN SISTERS about how we ain’t jack squat diddley. About how trifling we are. About how Black men have no class and don’t know how to treat a woman. About how all we want is sex and nothing more.

While I have no intentions of giving up on what….my patience is growing thin.

Personally, I’m rather fed up with always having to pay for the mistakes the last man made. I’m fed up with the Beyonce-Destiny’s Child “I’m a strong Black woman because I can pay my rent and my car note and my cell phone bill on time, therefore all men ain’t sh!t” movement that exploded over the past 10 or so years. (Last time I checked, being able to pay YOUR OWN BILLS on time didn’t make you independent or special…it’s what ANY NORMAL FUNCTIONING ADULT SHOULD BE DOING. No gold star for that.)

Weave? Weight? Who cares what they say on TV? Stop watching America’s Next Top Model and whatever other shows y’all get your definitions of beauty from and just DO YOU! Trust me…there’s some Brothas out there that don’t care about all that crap. I cannot understand how y’all still watch some of these shows KNOWING they aren’t EVER going to give the Sistas the props y’all deserve. Let those White chicks starve themselves…hell, half of them won’t even matter by the time the next season’s shows start, anyway. Being yourself and loving it lasts a lifetime.

I have a very large and unedited piece of my mind to share with the next woman I hear talking about how strong she is and how Black men “can’t handle a Strong Black woman”…..Handled? What? Dogs get ‘handled’. Horses at the Kentucky Derby get ‘handled’. Unruly children get ‘handled’. Basketballs get ‘handled’. Get where I’m going with this? If I felt like I EVER needed to ‘handle’ a woman, then I either fell and bumped my head or I’m obviously with the wrong woman. And as far as being loud goes…I believe that talking is sometimes like Charmin toilet paper…Less is More. I understand we all want our points to get across myself included), but sometimes one must pick their battles. And a little tact never killed anyone, either.

It’s one thing to be suspicious. It’s another thing to be downright paranoid all the time whenever a man crosses your path. We aren’t all sex-crazed, cold-blooded killers just looking to get our rocks off at your expense. I’m tired of paying for whatever it was the last man did to you. I’m tired of having to look like Denzel, carry T.I.’s swagger, be built like LeBron James, and have Tiger Woods’ money just to get a woman’s attention. I’m tired of being everything most women SAY they want in a man yet always ending up as ‘just a friend’ and passed over for the jokers and clowns and bums y’all complain to us good men about behind closed doors.

Basically, I’m tired of somehow not being good enough.

@ DJ

I feel you 100 percent.

You can ask the average person what they want in their ideal mate and they roll out a list 1,000 items deep of (mostly frivolous) qualifications.

I don’t roll like that. I’m a simple man when it comes to what I’m looking for in a woman. All I ask is that she be single, LOOKING FOR A GOOD MAN (had to capitalize that one), with no children, in reasonable shape, and gainfully employed. Everything else we can work from there.

Third of August

You sound like an intelligent man… In time, I believe you’ll find the woman that best compliments you. Whether, black,white,yellow,or brown…

MOM IS THE MAN!

How can I love a man when the first man in my life left me!
How can I let a man lead me when the leader of home and heart was my mother!
How can I let a man be a man when my mother was the man!
How can I Love a man when 70% of our households are dominated by women!
How can I not be independent! When my mother paid the bills, cooked the meals, fixed the car and taught me to throw a ball!
How can you ask me to submit to you! When mom had to stay strong!
How can I understand the phase. “Let a man be a man, when mom was the man!”

Note: Our black men want us as black women to be like other cultures. How can we when black father are leaving their children in record numbers, therefore when you want our love & what comes along with being in a relationship think about that little girl or boy that was left behind. THEY
MIGHT BE ONE OF THAT 70%!

By MAM

@ Curly

Thank you. Hopefully I do find her.

@ Mylissa

Is it MY kid? No.

Was I the one that cheated? No.

I don’t give a care what the other men in your life did to you. All that matters is how I treat you. Why does Mr. Average Joe Over There gotta suffer because of a past he neither knows about nor can change?

And as far as Mom being the man…maybe she should have picked BETTER MEN TO LAY DOWN AND PROCREATE WITH….don’t blame EVERYTHING on the absence of a good father in the house, because it takes two to tango. Some women are inadvertently adept and shunning away perfectly good men for no reason other than their own overinflated yet fragile egos. (Although that doesn’t give the guys out there with kids a free pass to not raise them.)

And I’m not sure if you’re aware of it or not, but one can submit in a relationship and still be strong. Submission isn’t always parallel with weakness.

@ third_of_august

Black men are good enough! Black men are good!! I love black men! No matter what size, no matter how poor. You make me laugh, you make me cry. I just want to be with a black man who is so secure within himself he will not put his insecurities on me. Don’t tell me I’m too dark, too fat, too nappy-headed, too mouthy. We all make mistakes in past relationships but I refuse to make the same mistake again. Notice I said “I refuse”. I will not take past relationships into a new relationship. The past is the past and should be buried with the past. Even when I was in the military men from other races wanted to date me because of some myth that is said about black women. But I prefer the black man because of your special nuances, also because of your special struggles that only you as a black man go through. I want to someday meet someone like you who is not afraid to express himself. Nuff said.

@qwerty

I would like, for once, to meet a woman that actually LIVES what she SAYS.

I used to wonder why the success rate of guys like myself isn’t higher? I think part of it is because while we’re the type of men women SAY they want, when we actually DO come around, y’all push us away…or we don’t look good enough…or y’all are more concerned with how you are going to look around your girlfriends with us by your side….or we aren’t ballin’ hard enough…or (my personal favorite) we don’t have enough ‘swagger’ for y’all.

Maybe one of these days people will wake up and realize that the people that are best for us probably aren’t necessarily packaged the way we’d like for them to be. (Kind of like how the healthiest food usually tastes different until you get used to it.)

Although this topic was originally about the letter writer’s decision to date interracially, it seems as though his relationship trials may have more to do with his chosen profession and current location rather than a lack of good black women.

As a former military spouse (still married, hubby honorably discharged) who has been through 3 deployments I would be hard pressed to advise a woman of any race to date a member of the military. It is a very difficult life full of angst and worry. While I know for a fact that there are plenty of good brothers in the military as I have had the pleasure of being acquainted with many, the dedication and sacrifice that it takes to make the relationship work takes a definite toll on your spirit.

While my husband and I were able to persevere and stay together, I’m not so sure we would have made it if he had decided to reenlist again.

I wish you the best of luck in your search for a soul mate whatever race she may be, but please don’t place the blame for your failed relationships solely on black women as there are obviously other, much stronger factors to take into account.

@ Shauna

I want to re-clairfy that I’m not blaming any of my past relationship problems on Black women…or any women at all, for that matter.

My past dating/relationship problems have mostly been a result of circumstance. In high school I was the super-smart college bound guy that everyone loved to be friends with only if there was a test coming up or some tough homework that needed to be completed. In college I was the super-smart semi-slacker hoping that the fact that I was in college and around supposedly more intelligent and mature people would help me out in terms of meeting decent people. While I have a ton of great friends from college, I never really got what I wanted otherwise.

Now, on to the whole military thing. looking at it from the spouse’s point of view (I’m glad you responded for that reason–it’s good to hear the POV of someone who’s either there or been there as well), it somewhat makes sense what you’re saying. however, I’m hoping that I don’t have to wait until after I’m out of the military just to be able to date a woman…You know how the whole fairweather friend thing goes? That’s how I feel from time to time. It seems as if I can’t get what I want while I’m climbing the mountain and making myself a better person, but once I get to the top and things are going great (not like they’re bad right now, though), that I’m all of a sudden this wonderful catch that is deserving of a woman’s time.

Where’s the loyalty…the “whole sticking by your side through thick and thin” mentality? Theoretically, I’d find it difficult to trust people if they were only there when the times were good.

@ third_of_august

You know I do live what I say and because of that I choose to be alone because as I said “I refuse” to take past issues into relationships. I just hope you aren’t living in some fantasy looking for that perfect woman. And like I said before swagger, 20″ rims don’t impress me – it’s what a person can do to stimulate the mind. Who’s mind have you stimulated lately over in Korea. There are plenty of black women stationed there who would like to have their mind’s stimulated. If they are not into that – then move on to the next one who is more compatiable to what you are looking for. NEVER EVER GIVE UP ON THE BLACK WOMAN.

@ qwerty

It’s very good that you keep the past where it belongs—in the past.

In my case, I’m not waiting for the perfect woman. Of course we all know perfect doesn’t exist. I’m simply looking for a decent enough woman. Better yet, I’m looking for a woman that I’m good enough for. So far in my life, y’all have been the ones treating me like I’m not good enough. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been considerably more mature than most other guys my age. Maybe it’s the way I dress. Maybe I really do have to be 6’9″. And look like Denzel. (Or whomever it is y’all ladies consider handsome these days. LOL)

As far as stimulating minds…I haven’t had the opportunity to do so since I joined the military, period….Not just Korea. Haven’t met many quality women (of any race) since I joined.

@ third_of_august

What exactly is it that you are looking for in a woman?

@ qwerty

My list of qualities is short and concise.

-Single, interested in men, AND actually looking to meet men

-No kids or past relationship drama currently affecting her state of mind

-Legally and gainfully employed

-Reasonably intelligent and capable of holding decent conversation

-Likes me for who I am, not for what I can do for her or other shallow reasons

There you have it. If she has these things going for her…we can work from there on the rest.

Notice I didn’t mention looks or other insignificant stuff like that. While attractiveness plays a factor in almost any relationship, I don’t place overwhelming stock in it when meeting women. (I wish everyone thought this way. LOL)

ok, 3rd of Aug, I need to shake your hand – please tell say it again “SUBMISSION DOES NOT EQUAL WEAKNESS”!!!
I had to learn that in order for me in order to be strong, I had know when to be flexible & vulnerable as well.

Also, good luck on your journey to finding the right one for you- she’s out there somewhere!

nothing wrong w/trying something different!! There’s good black women that will treat you right and horrible black women that will drag you 2 hell!! Good women are good women so trying finding one of them!!

The only thing i can think of to ask is that you haven’t mentioned is location so im guessing around the world is ok with you lol jk ……but what was funny to me is that i was just about to write FG about my situation and i guess you answered it. i have to move out of my state and find love maybe in another area or race. Dating outside your race will be a challenge i believe you can handly if you can take the Military u can take a few comment to your face as well behind your back. and honestly it doesnt matter what ppl really say or think because those same ppl arent going to be there at night to hold you the way you like. Watch movies with you, take you out on a date, make love to you. THE ONE YOU CHOOSE WILL HAVE THOSE OPTIONS TO MAKE YOU HAPPY AND SATISFY YOUR NEEDS NOT THEM . so id say F@#$ em all and just DO YOU. race shouldnt matter as long as its what YOU want..

wow i love how you boldly put this comment/statement in mind of others. But some of the 70% turned out great. I am that 70% sad to say but ive turned out good. i can trust a man. i believe a woman can raise a child being both parents.i can submit to a man, i can let a man lead but what i wont do is like my highschool teacher said “Let the BLIND lead the BLIND”

but because i was left on this earth by a dumb mistake my father made doesnt mean the next man should have to pay for it. it just helps me to try to find a guy with goals to want to stay because he doesnt want to be the father of the 70% children that was left behind.Because he Wants to stay and watch the greatest creation become the greatest inventor.

No one really know how they will turn out. some of the craziest ppl turn out to have some really great understanding parents thats been there since day 1 and then there are some ppl that grow to be theeeeeee most successful person in the world with only 1 parent. BAsically its up to the person and how they would like their happy ending to end the world have chocies Mylissa its up to you to choose whats write for you.

we cant push our black men down because of some other mans problem.

@Naturally

I’m in Korea, which is already on the other side of the world.

And yeah, since I sent this letter in, I’ve pretty much decided to switch things up a little. I’ve all but emotionally run myself into the ground wishing and waiting for the day where I’m good enough for MY OWN RACE OF WOMAN….so I decided to expand my search to now include other races of women. No, I am not giving up on Black women….but I am giving up on being tired of sitting on the back burner while everyone else seems to get the full palate of life.

@ Third

thats great and i hope it works out for you! life is to short to be worried about the next man or woman and what they say. spend it happy with someone you love and that loves you as much and more. GO KOREA!!!….lol but really good luck.

Thanks. Although I must add that dating here in Korea is not as….easy….for Black men as one would think. They really are not kicking down my door trying to get to know a brotha….LOL!

lol.. you know what else i ment to tell you but seeing comments that you leave and responding your very intelligent and should know this by now if it isnt one thing its another. and with dating outside your comes along with parents wanting to keep their culture just their culture and tradition to stay as is. and really that sucks because i once dated a Samoan and his mother was traditional and only wante him to date Samoan women. His dad loved me as well as i loved his family. It didn’t mean she didnt love me for treating him right but she just didnt Approve of it and that can put a damper on things alot. We broke up eventually of other reasons of him having to move for college reasons only meaning the love is still there but we both no what we bring to the table and what we want and long distance wasn’t gonna cut it and we wasnt at all yet ready for getting married.

im sure there are very beautiful women there mentally and physically and i hope they are ready for u!! just keep in mind all kind of battles everyone is going to deal with in realationships .. So im sure the ladies are scopin you out jusst trying to figure out how to approach you. your different in their eyes…

off topic question: so that your out there do u speak Korean ??

@ Naturally

Of course…I’ve been passed over more than your aunt Linda’s fruitcake at Christmas dinner….and I’ve gotten just about every excuse known to mankind….I’ve gotten excuses so ridiculous, other women have actually used the same statements as COMPLIMENTS.

Up until this point in my life, I’ve dated, talked to, and been interested in nothing but Black women. I never really wondered (or cared) what my family would think if I showed up on my mid tour leave four or five months from now with a non-Black woman on my arm. I figured if they wanted me to have a Black woman, maybe they wouldn’t have left me out to dry in the relationships department and actually TAUGHT me something about the game instead of assuming that I was good to go because I was doing well in school.

As far as me speaking Korean goes….I know enough to function (the basic stuff like please, thank you, and where’s the bathroom…lol), but I’m not at a level where I could carry on a full-fledged conversation in Korean yet. I still like French better (as I took it for five-plus years), although that’s not helping me much here…LOL

Lmao @ your korean, but hey you know more then you did before you got there..lol
And what do you mean your parents didnt teach you much about relationships. so your out there fishin it. well i mean im sure you learned from watching your parents what you may like and what you will like. what you liked from your parents relationship and what you didnt like. I mean like your friends for example they ever had a relationship and you was like … MMmmmm i want something like that but would like a little bit more of ___________(fill in likes here!)..lol

im sure you know what would make you happy but with you it can be a good thing because you go on your own judgement and not on “My family says this and that” you feel me? …. im sure in no time women will be breaking down ya door once they get to know.

Dont you just HATE when your single no one is around and/or want to commit. but as soon as u start something with a pretty proceieve to be a good person for you. the ones you wanted comes back into your life with? OMG that sucks ass!!

@ Naturally

My parents’ relationship, although running smoothly now, was anything but back when I was in high school. While that itself isn’t what caused the ensuing struggle, I still believe that the fact that none of my parents really knew I was having relationship problems until I would actually tell them. They really thought that because I’m a smart guy that I automatically had the dating game mastered, and when you’re smart and mature (especially mature at a young age like I was and still am), that actually spells doom for your chances at landing quality women.

As far as friends go….I tried to distance myself from the ones that were/are in relationships because I don’t like being ‘the wheel’ all the time when we hang out. Plus some of my friends are currently dating women I was previously interested in (some of whom I approached first and was turned down by). And some of my friends are of the player mentality, so I definitely don’t envy anything they do with their women. LOL

And yes, it’s human nature for people to want when they can’t have. Yes, it sucks, but there isn’t much we can do about it except hope they don’t choke on those vapors they caught.

@ Third,

Wow So those women that you stepped to first went to go out with your boys…..mmmMM i dont know they story and im sure them women dont know what they really want either. But that is life… and i feel you on the “third wheel”, sucks ass when everyone kiss but u look away bull spit really ( and yes i said bull spit!! LOL) but it is what it is you know. Life goes on. Your will find your Queen the question is are you ready for her? Maybe all this dating and dating is to get you ready for her. Thats what i go by… (My opinion which i know isnt really asked ) i see it as the men that i meet and date that ends just makes me know how to appreciate the man that will actually stay in my life for good. I would hope that he has been threw the same things i have to relate and know how to treat me. Also by DEALING with these guys lets me know later what i like what i dont like and what i wont deal with again. You know.

Random out of know where up late at work thought…..lol…..MY HAIR SMELLS GREAT!!!!….lol just had to make someone smile … and i hope it did…. (Now back to our important announcements… )

i think FLY GUY should figure out how to get AIM in here that would be cool talk directly to him and others. Just straight “FLY GUY CHAT” if this is used i sooooooo need to get some kind of credit for it..lol…naw foreal.

so how are you doing Third a.k.s : JP ?

@ Naturally

I’m doing fine. Finally made it to 25….I had a tough week, but I’m going to relax and try to enjoy my birthday weekend as best as possible.

Yeah….I actually do need to get out there in the game and date more often. It’s kind of like playing a sport….in order to get better and to know my strengths and weaknesses, I’ve got to practice.

*Allen Iverson voice*

“We talkin’ about PRACTICE….not the real game, but PRACTICE…..”

And while I could SAY I’m ready for my Queen….until I actually get to that point where I realize the one I’m with (whomever she is) is my Queen….I’ll never know unless I get out there and…..practice. Get some experience. And as far as those women in the past….I let that go. Can’t get out there and show what I’m about if I’m stuck on insignificant people from the past.