Is It Ok To Settle?

People settle due to the fear of the dealing with the complexities of dating and meeting new people.

@blaze,

so have you ever settled?

I think when people realize they are settling, then that is their breakthrough. It is when, you “fool” yourself, better known as denial into thinking that, the person or relationship you’re dealing with is healthy; when in fact it is toxic. I recently had an ephiphany of my own, in that—it’s not that I attract or want toxic people in my life, but because they are better than NO ONE, I settle on that. Because what in my right mind would make me stay in situations that drain me? I don’t think anyone chooses to settle, they just fail to call a thing what is, and when they do come to see that they have settled, then it’s usually only because they saw something that made them have to reach beyond where they had been aiming.

@FG

I’ve most definitely have settled in the past while I was in a relationship because I was comfortable,content and wasn’t ready to be out on the dating scene solo.

Now that I’m a single again, I won’t settle for just anyone. I hold that title close to me since I’ve only given that up maybe 3-4 times in my lifetime.

People settle for fear of being alone, among a million other reasons.

I have settled before, and, curiously, while it pissed me off immediately after I realized I’d settled, now I can look back and recognize that at that point in my life, that’s what I decided to have in my life, for better or worse.

Right now, I’m evaluating what is really important in a mate, and why I think those things are important. I’ve already got my top three nonnegotiables, and I’m looking at the rest of the list to determine at which point would I consider myself “settling” if someone doesn’t quite match the list that I have.

Is it possible that we could mistake the idea of “settling” for compromising, deferring and/or submitting?

Good read. She can write.

@blaze,

I think there is a big difference, but compromise should only be done when the person deserves it. When they don’t, then that’s settling. If that makes sense.

@ Tubbs:

I agree. But be wary of how you classify deserve, because compromising can quickly become settling if that person starts slacking off in the relationship. It has to be something that you can truly live without.

@JAT,
very true. I classify deserve as someone who is trying. Someone who is actively working to make the relationship work. When I think of settling, I think of us letting people get away with shit just so we won’t be alone.

I can honestly say I don’t think I have settled in a relationship.

This is a good one. I see a lot more people settling now, it makes single women such as myself look like the “ODD ONES” A guy asked me yesterday how old I was and I told 25 he said you married ? Have kids? I replied no then he looked at me like I had a third eye in the middle of my forhead. I said there is nothing wrong with me, I just don’t want to settle (what if I’m in a unfulfilling relationship then run across someone that I have a conversation with and discover he is a great catch and can’t act on it because I’m in a relationship)THAT WOULD SUCK. For right now my loyalties will lie within myself. BEEN THERE DONE THAT , NEVER WILL DO IT AGAIN.

I have settled in the past but within the last 8 months I’ve made a promise to myself to not do it again. I agree wholeheartedly with those who call it toxic. I don’t think it was a fear f being alone more than a fear of not being with that particular person that kept me from cutting it off sooner. Love can delete some brain cells I’m sure. I have definitely gotten that ‘third eye in the middle of the forehead’ look as well but I just give ‘em a big smile and let them know I’m happy. I’d rather have that than settle and be unhappy anyday…

WARNING LONG STORY…lol
I was casually dating this guy for nearly half a year when I realized that I wanted more, we were carrying on like we had titles but we didn’t (which is a whole other blog),anyway I decided to pour out my heart to him, I layed it ALL out there and tell him I wanted to be with him and give that whole relationship thing a try. This man told me he cared about me a lot but he just “wasn’t ready for that yet”… I was crushed,and for a few days I battled with myself trying to find out what I should do. I convinced myself that I should continue this psuedo-relationship and be patient and wait for him to “be ready”. I tried slowing down on any activities that gave off more than friend vibe, but that only lasted temporarily, a few weeks later we were back in full affect acting like boyfriend and girlfriend, EXCEPT NOT! I wasn’t hardly as happy as I was with him before we had our relationship conversation, now I was always wondering if he was “ready” yet,and I even became secretly bitter cause it seemed like he’d NEVER be “ready”… AND HE NEVER WAS, and I stayed there, SETTLING for a man who “cared about me” BUT NOT ENOUGH to make me the only woman in his life.I eventually let that go,it was hard and painful, but necessary. I soon found out that he was dealing with his own issues and we’re actually friends now, but that end result took a while and a LOT of reflection and inner growth from both of us.

The crazy thing is before him, I was really HARD on guys,I would break off ties for the littlest of things.

Ladies and gentlemen if a man is not treating you the way you know you DESERVE to be treated,BUMP PASSION, be PASSIONATE about your own SELF love, and respect, that’s one of the MOST beneficial passions to have.

It’s never okay to settle. It is necessary to have REASONABLE standards & requirements. People settle for a variety of reasons – fear of being alone, they’ve fallen in love with the person, they don’t want to give up some aspect of the relationshp that they enjoy (sex, money, whatever), etc. You know it’s settling when you have your list of needs already constructed, but you make excuses for why you’re with someone who you know doesn’t fit your criteria. If you are between relationships & you re-evaluate what you need vs what you want then that’s something different & probably beneficial. The former is usually detrimental.

I don’t settle anymore, my girls say I’m too hard on guys sometimes, but a lot of women, especially women in my age group,early twenties to thirties are NOT nearly as selective as they should be. They( or we) SETTLE a lot probably because they don’t really know what they want just yet, and they don’t know what they deserve… People settle cause they don’t wanna be alone but sometimes alone is precisely what you need to be in order to find out who you are, love who you are,and find out what you want and more importantly what you deserve from a potential partner.

I agree with most of the comments on this page. I also did some settling in my past, and it took time before I realized my worth. After a few disappointing relationships, “ME TIME” was something that was way overdue. We are all under construction (bad break-ups, trust issues, weight issues, low self-esteem), and if we fail to deal with our issues first, we will not be prepared for the right person that comes along.

Don’t-ever-settle!!!
For any reason. People rarely change fundamentally so if there is something you arent comfortable with how are you gonna live with it? I dislike jealousy of any kind. Those type of people can make you miserable. So it doesnt matter if the cooking-loving-etc etc is good, theres always gonna be those two or three days a week when i gotta hear it? Forget it!

Ummm, I’d have to disagree with you MissKey…

I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with being passionate about loving other people. Yes, love yourself fully, but at the same time, what’s wrong with loving people in your life (whomever it may be…family, spouse, friends, etc.) just as much as you love and value yourself. People possess different passions in life…that’s just it.

But no, settling is never RIGHT, but for the moment it was satisfying my need for companionship…not necessarily for love. Something better has come along and it makes me appreciate him so much more, so all isn’t lost.

LOL, I definitely feel misunderstood after reading some of these comments.

Mzstokes, I wasn’t trying to disrespect you at all,hope it don’t come off like that. I agree with you, you should love and love with your entire heart. However I also feel that if a person isn’t treating you the way you’re worthy of being treated, and loving you the way you’re worthy of being loved, then it comes to a point where you have to make a decision about who you love the most(you or that person).

Anyway again, I wasn’t trying to disrespect you of the sort.So I apologize if it came off like that. I’m really happy for you and excited that you found someone and that your past helped you to appreciate your present cause really that’s what it’s all about.

i almost settled once. the more i realized that i was settling the more i just couldnt do it anymore. everytime i looked at him i felt bad, so i had to walk away from the relationship.