A Bad Dating Question
Mar 2nd, 2009 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Perspectives
Comments (35)
I couldn’t have planned our first date any better. The ambiance was nice, the food was outstanding, and our conversation seemed to strike a perfect flirty/innocent balance. In other words, we were really enjoying each other’s company … that is until she asked me “the question.”
“So Mr. Fly Guy, why are you single?”
As the words left her lips, my body began to cringe—almost in the same way that one would cringe if they heard fingernails scrapping across a chalkboard, or Paula Abdul singing the acappella version of “Opposites Attract.”
Now some may wonder why I would be so up in arms about such an innocent question. After all, she was probably just asking as a way to express interest, right? Maybe.
At face value, I have no problem with her inquiry … but it’s the underlying question that needs to be addressed. What she really wanted to ask was, “So what’s wrong with you? There aren’t many good men out here, so you must be crazy, married, or a combination of both.” And I guess she has every right to ask whatever she wants, but let’s be serious for a moment. What did she really expect me to say?
“I’m single because I was locked up for two years after beating up my girlfriend for giving me four incurable STDs and bad credit.”
I wonder if that was the answer she was searching for (In fact, maybe I should say that one day just to see what type of response I get.)
Let me officially break this down, so we can move past this question.
I just haven’t met the woman who has moved my heart to the point of wanting to give my all long term. Short of that, I’m not interested in wasting anyone’s time with discussions of settling down if my heart isn’t genuinely there. So as you can see, there’s no scandal, no intrigue, and no grotesque flaw on my part which forces me to be single.
I’m not an escaped felon, nor am I a guy who secretly runs the Color Me Badd Fan Club (that might actually be less forgivable than a criminal record.) I’m just a guy who’s comfortable in my own skin, and who’s perfectly fine with being single until the right woman comes along.
So to the women of my future; the next time we’re out on a date, and you feel the burning desire to ask me “so why are you single,” find something else to ask. There are far better ways to get to know more about me than trying to uncover what brought me to this moment in time with you. Just know that I’m here, and I’m focused on us enjoying our time together.
Why can’t you do the same?
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I’m with you, Fly Guy. That question makes my skin crawl. I especially hate it when guys say things like “I would have never let you go” or “why hasn’t some guy snatched you up already” insinuating I have no say in the matter of getting hitched. (Family friends and relatives like this question too… the best is when they come out and ask, “are you not able to have kids?” as if that’s why I wouldn’t be married. SMH)
I like your answer a lot. Just because we’re past our 30′s and still single doesn’t mean there’s something hideous hiding in our closet. For most folks I know my age, we’re still single because we’ve become comfortable in our own skin and are okay with being single until the right person comes along, don’t feel the need to be “hooked up” with just any ol’ body and yes, are a bit more selective as the years go by, we’ve been in relationships which were on the path to marriage/kids/etc, but for many different reasons felt it wasn’t a healthy relationship/weren’t compatible/etc and moved on, and have put careers on the forefront for many years which has limited our dating experiences as well. I could go on, but just because you’re single, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. And I wish people would stop assuming that.
@ sugarlips
Um…you’re not single. :-P
I’m guilty of asking this question, and I tend to do it b/c when meeting a great guy nowadays, it’s hard to fathom that he’s available. So I ask the futile question knowing that if he does have a disqualifying secret, he’s not going to divulge it, but it’s hard for me to admit my good luck in finding a rarity. The question could be taken as a compliment. Obviously, your being unattached seems mythical. If no one ever asks you this, well…
Oh please FG! I am quite sure that you have asked some version of this question to the women you’ve dated in the past. Maybe at this stage in your life, you have learned not to, but I am willing to bet a bite sized snickers that you still ask this question in some way shape or form. And, since you have formulated a thoughtful response to said question, why not give her the anwer instead of getting all up in arms? Any woman who cannot accept the answer you’ve written above at face value needs to be drop-kicked to the curb, but it doesn’t mean she’s insecure, a psycho, or desperate because she asked.
Although I do agree with sugarlips that being single, especially past a certain age, doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, I still think mature people are able to give a fairly objective rationale for why they are where they are. It has just been my experience that how (or whether a person has the ability) to answer this question in a thoughtful way says a lot about that person.
@JAT,
Did I say that a woman who asks this is “insecure, a psycho, or desperate”
I ask. And i’ll always ask. Some people are single by choice, others by circumstance. I was out on a date once and asked a guy this question and he told me he WASN’T single *insert NEGRO PLEASE side eye* guys do it just as much as women do with their ‘so where is your man/why don’t you have a man’ question (which i’m equally tired of) but until people start volunteering honesty I will continue to probe for it.
@Reina – ok, as of LATE, maybe ;) But I’ve been single for years before that so I’ve got PLENTY of experience!
And yeah, I agree it is most likely asked with good intentions and as a sort-of compliment, but that’s not how it’s heard.
@ FG:
It came off in your post as more of an inference. The question is annoying, but it is a common question, and really, if you are feeling a person, you will excuse this one gaffe early on in the relationship.
@JAT,
Not what I was saying at all. And I agree that it’s not something that is a deal breaker. But that is why at the end the piece, I include the fact that there are so many other things that you can ask someone that will probably give you better insight into who they are as a person other than “so why are you single.”
I don’t see anything wrong with asking a guy why he’s single after a few dates. Not during the first date, but after a few dates. And you can always just ask a man, “Are you married, separated, living with someone, and ones ANY woman think she’s your woman right now?” if you want to know if they are single.
“and ones” = “and does”
While dating a guy, we realized we connected automatically. He was a gentleman, concerning, attentive, sexy so on and so forth. We spent the night together and when I saw his “package” I stopped and was like, just tell me now… Whatever it is, just tell me cuz something has got to be wrong with you that I don’t know about because right now everything is perfect.
FG, you are right. Questions like these don’t need to be asked because you will find out.
I found out he was very attentive in every area except the bedroom. I’ve never known a man to be so conceded and selfish in the bed.
My point is. If he were better with taking care of me we proabbly would still be together. I don’t know y his last relationship ended but that’s a big reason ours did.
@ FG:
True, but why go ’round the bend when you don’t have to? Someone’s maturity level will show through on how they answer that, and I can get the type of info I’m looking for w/o bringing up ex-girlfriends, which is not something I really want to talk about when I’m just getting to know a dude.
God…somebody asked me this question yesterday…actually I think he said (in an incredulous voice) “So Miss Chelsea…why hasn’t SOMEBODY snatched you up, changed your last name and got a baby from you yet? Cuz if I THOUGHT I had a chance, I would lock you down in half a heartbeat, gurl!”
It was extreme but I understood what he meant…I ask this question cuz I firmly believe that NO ONE on Earth is truly single…there’s always sumbody out there that we’re stringin along in some form or fashion…
That chick you’ve been cool with for YEARS that you go to the movies/dinner/concerts with and sleep together occasionally? Yeah…she thins she’s thisclose to being your woman…I need to know that…
So I ask…and thanks to Smokie I will now ask “Are you married, separated, living with someone, and ones ANY woman think she’s your woman right now?” in its entirety in order to cover all bases, cuz negroes tend to leave sum chicks out cuz they don’t ‘technically’ fall into the ‘relationship’ category…
Uh…yeah. I’m done…whats good ppl?
@ Chelsea – but see, what the guy said to you yesterday is what makes me mad… like it’s all up to him. Maybe I don’t want all that from you? Maybe you’re not good enough? Maybe the dudes I’ve met in my past weren’t good enough either? Why is it someone else’s decision to “lock my down” like I’m a posession? That just gets under my skin… sorry for the rant :)
How was your weekend otherwise??
@Sugarlips
yeah I feel u…like I’m just here waiting to be ‘snatched up and locked down’ by sum random fool…boy bye!
Weekend was pretty good…got some new tattoos…and pretty much stayed close to home for the most part…u?
I don’t usually ask a guy why he’s single early on.( Don’t really expect to get an accuarate answer) I typically can often get a good read on why a guy’s single just by getting to know him.
I do however agree with Smokie.
I ask “Are you married, separated, living with someone, ANY woman think she’s your woman right now?, Any kids, What do you do for a living?….etc.
I’ve weeded out alot of bad apples asking these questions.
@ Chelsea – Tattoos?? As in more than 1?? Details!!
I stayed home sick all weekend :( But my man and his family took good care of me, I feel blessed :)
@Sugarlips
yeah…well i had four before I went to the shop on Sat…so i got another one done on my left foot/ankle and got some stuff added to an existing tattoo on my shoulder…its not done yet tho so I have to hide it for a while…I have two more that i want to get and then I think I’m finito…I think…hehehehe
@Chelsea
What did you get? I’ve always wanted one, but never could commit to a design. I’d sit on an idea for a few weeks/months, then change my mind. So I’ve never followed through. :/
lol…
1.”C” with a crown on top of it with ‘Bossy’ written underneath on left thigh
2. Series of stars on outside of left foot and ankle (got Saturday)
3. “Faith” and “Beauty” Chinese symbols, surrounded by music notes and stars on collarbone area…not finished
4. “Chelsea” surrounded by flowers and music notes on lower back
5. “Flawless” surrounded by music notes, heart, flower and stars on right foot…
Whew…see a recurring theme here?
Hey Chelsea!
@ Chelz & sugarlips:
So we’re not into the whole Prince Charming thing? Or even the whole Christian “waiting for God to send your husband” thing? LOL, I kid!
Anywho, as someone who wasn’t ready to get married when an SO was, it definitely depends on two people being at the same place at the same time, AND having mutually acceptable credentials. And, although I am fiercely pro-woman, men are viewed as more of the aggressor in romantic undertakings, so it is not surprising that men would phrase this question as “why hasn’t somebody locked you down yet.”
@ sugarlips
I’m with you on not being able to commit to a tattoo. I think you should really want it in order to put something that permanent on your body. I’d much rather by a signature pair of shoes to express myself.
Hi all! I’m a virgin to posting here but I thought I’d add my two cents. I ask that question because I like a man that can handle himself when caught off guard. Can he answer me intelligently? Does he have a sense of humor? Is he really crazy?
If I asked a man and he gave me an answer similar to yours I would think “okay, I can respect that” and I’d move on. I’ve been asked that question plenty of times and my answer is always the same “because I haven’t found anyone that I feel is worthy.”
And yes, for me this is a first date question. I want to get a feel for the type of guy I’m dealing with. No need in wasting my time or his if I don’t think its worth it.
LOL! Totally see a theme emerging :)
Which position hurt the most?
I always used to ask this question after a few dates, I dont see what the big deal is, maybe brother has something to hide??
Just saying…
@JAT
I’m not surprised by men’s phrasing it that way, but I still am put off a little by it.
And as far as tattoos go, I’ve kinda given up on the idea. I just can’t commit!! LOL
I truly hate that question. It is worst coming from other females.I was in front of the firing squad at my grandmothers church members at her bi weekly womens meeting just being a innocent bystander. They asked why aren’t you married yet? When are you going to have some babies? Where do you see yourself in 3 years? Ugh…I had to bare and grin and say ladies ITS JUST NOT MY TIME YET I GUESS.Older women love to put young people on the spot. lol
I was asked this question last week and it pissed me off! Some people who ask why a person is single just want to know. Others really wanna say. “What’s wrong with you?”
Being single and friends with men and women that are married and in relationships, I’ve observed alot. I have 6 older brothers. My best friend is a “ladies man.” I’ve dated some dudes that thought they were slicker than oil.
Just last night a guy friend of mine asked me, “Since when do you have balls?” Well, I don’t have balls but I do have experiences not all of which are good nor are all of them my own. I’m VERY observant and believe you can learn from other’s mistakes as well as your own. I ask ALOT of questions of men. Especially those that are swift with the ladies. My observation? People often marry who they want their spouse to become. They date someone and think they can change the things they don’t like about them. It’s not going to happen. I’ve seen relationships fall apart because of that little thing you over looked in the beginning of a relationship. Then the newness wears off and it works on your last nerve. You start to hate the person you never really loved. Then there are those who have grown to love each other after spending so much time together but don’t like each other. I was told it’s importatant to love the person you marry but it’s more important to like them. So if you want to know why I’m single, ask. If you want to know what’s wrong with me? I’m brutally honest with myself. I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I’ve wasted enough time with people who didn’t deserve me. I have high hopes of meeting my soul mate. The one person that was made just for me. He won’t be perfect and he’ll know I’m not either and our flaws will make us love each other more. When no one else understands what I’m trying to say, he will. And until he finds me, I’ll be single and content because to be with anyone other than him, I’d have to settle and that’s not an option. :)
*sigh* I feel ALOT better! lol
I really dont take the question too seriously. The answer’s usually pretty point blank. That said, if I did ask it and someone responded with “he wasnt WORTHY blahblah…,” I would have a negative reaction. Whether or its true or not, it comes across as arrogant and that is decidedly UNattractive.
Really that is just one of may questions I ask and if he gets erked at that then he’s not gone like my questioning a$$.
How old are you?
Who do you live with?
Do you have any kids?
How many/ How old?
R u with the mom?
How is yalls relationship?
R u seeing ne1?
Do you have a job?
I also like to ask at the beginning before numbers are even exchanged because I don’t want to waste time giving my number to some nicca who does not meet my qualifications OKAY!
Sorry I didn’t log in for yall to know who was talking. My bad
I love what Eclectism said.However,I do not think that the answer to that question will give enough insight to make me think that maybe I should not date you.I once asked a guy this and his answer was that he was yet to find a woman worthy of’ his semen,wedding ring and joint bank account’.Ok,reasonable answer right.Thing is,he always picked women unworthy of any of those titles.He has Hoodrat Syndrome.
I agree with Ms CoCo..asking the right questions up front will save you some drama on the back end.
I’ve been asked this question countless times,even had a older white co-worker ask me this question last week. It gets exhausting answering this question. I’ve only given up the girlfriend title only 3-4 times…it has to be that type of connection or we’re just passing time. Some women/men are so pressed to be able to call someone their SO..when its really not even on that level..
Blaze we’re on the same page when it comes to giving somone the “title”. I have only had 3-4 boyfriends as an adult because I feel it takes a hella of a man for me to claim them and for them to claim me. I have made good choices in picking these men but it was because of my flip flop attitude I had to let them go. I must say, it was me not them. :)
Eclecticism:
You Betta PREACH chick!
@Ms CoCo
Thats good that you’re woman enough to admit that you can reflect and realize you could’ve handled those situaions differently and not play the victim role by saying men aint shit. Either way its all about what you learned regardless of who’s at fault.
Based on my experiences, those type of connections come around every few years and they’re hard to find. As I was younger I took those that I reached that connection with for granted. Now I know they’re getting harder and harder to find because dating has become so complex nowadays. The misconnect between men and women have become wider and wider for so many reasons.