The Worst Relationship Offense

Out of all those in the poll. violence is the most unforgivable. The others all suck too, but depending on the person and the strength of your relationship with them, you could work past it. However, I don’t feel you could ever come back from physical violence. Once that line is crossed, that’s it. You’ve done it once, and you’re now capable of doing it again. I refuse to live a life of fear, which is exactly what I’d have if I stay. I’d forever wonder if he’ll flip his lid again – and will he take it out on me? Our kids? Nope, not having it. I know we all get heated, and yes, sometimes you just reach your breaking point. But raising a hand is NEVER the answer. Walk away. Cool down. Someone who cannot control their behavior is not someone I want in my life.

Well once he’s beating on you, you damn well better know it’ll be coming again. May take some time but it will. So this my friends is the unrecoverable offense. If you don’t believe me you’re probably the one doing the hitting.

I’d say that if a man hits you in the relationship it’d be the worse an the most unforgivable. I don’t think ANY man should put their hands on a woman let alone a woman they say they love.. but every single one of those sucks [ the cheatin / stealin money / liein bout past stds etc ] .

You effing w/ my money, you effin w/ my emotions! LOL, nah, I agree w/ sugarlips that violence is a threshold that you cannot just walk back over. However, there are some STDs that I would not forgive a person for lying about (HIV/AIDS, herpes, warts, anything that is incurable). So, incurable diseases and violence are at the top of my list of unforgivable sincs, and stealing from me is a very, very VERY close second.

^^ unforgivable sins

The whole Chris Brown thing has me furious. People are acting like they want to reserve judgment because they don’t want to condemn him before ‘facts’ are out there.

Fact is he hit her. THAT is fact. Screw the herpes allegation, forget the text message rumor. That grown man hit that woman. It’s like people are waiting to hear that she hit him first. And even if that is the case does it make it okay at that point?

If it had been Joe Whatshisname and this story broke no one would be on this whole ‘reserving judgment’ bandwagon. When this happens to everyday people, people usually condemn the man right away. What makes this so different?

Okay rant over.

I have never been a victim of DV and don’t intend to be. My mother was for years and I never understood why she didn’t leave. I know they say it isn’t that easy but in her situation, it really was.

While the others are devastating also, this tops the list.

Judge not, lest not you be judged.

NO ONE — a man, or a woman — has the right to put their hands on another person. PERIOD.

I have 3 sons, and I’ll be damned if some out of control female, with no home training on how to be a lady, is gonna put her hands on one of my boys…just cause she’s a girl and thinks it’s ok. Cause her mama told her ‘Boys don’t hit girls’.

Does anyone ever say to their girls, ‘Girls don’t hit boys’, or ‘violence doesn’t solve anything, so keep your hands to yourself’?

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not excusing, or condoning violence or domestic abuse. I am a child that had to suffer and witness that, and have carried that as a part of who I am. HOWEVER—until all the facts are presented, people need to sit down and SHUT UP.

People are SUPPOSED to be innocent, UNTIL proven otherwise.

Now, if you are perfect, and have never done any wrong to anyone (cause there is no BIG SIN or little sin—it’s all wrong), then continue to spout your ignorance.

and there you have it. I just hope all the people saying this stuff says the same for the women that they hear about being slain by their crazy lovers in front of their children. fair is fair.

I agree with Mowgli.

hk, you dont know what you’re talking about. You need to go somewhere with that perfect junk. You act as if girls hitting boys is some kind of serious problem. That alone makes you ignorant. Unless you’re a fool, the facts of the case have been present to you since day one. Lets paint a picture.

Chris Brown seen leaving with Rihanna in Lamborghini — FACT

Rihanna found later in Chris Brown’s Lamborghini with her face beaten in — FACT

Chris Brown flees premises; 9-1-1 called by someone who had heard Rihanna screaming — FACT

There’s other salient information that I cant say is FACT but I think those 3 give you more than enough reason to, in fact, come up with some form of a judgment. However, IF you’re ACTIVELY LOOKING for a REASON for it to have been ok for Chris Brown to have beaten this young lady so bad that he ran off (imo, he prob thought he’d killed her since she was unconscious), then continue to reserve judgment until more evidence comes in. You might find yourself disappointed.

I agree with And 1 and Mowgli….Regardless if a woman hits me I could never strike a woman..I mught shaker her like Chris Rock said….but I couldn’t even respect myself after that. Plus I dont think my mother would careless if a woman hit me first…her best advice she ever gave me was “you don’t have to react and/or respond to everything thats said or done to you”..Why do you think I ignore half the ish J Thought says on a daily….HK you might want to relay that to your sons…goog advice that I use everyday…

It is really sad that thinking that a woman who “provokes” a man deserves to be beaten to a pulp. No one has the right to lay their hands on anyone, but self defense is based on the tenet of reasonable response. That said, most cases of self defense that a judge would uphold involve someone doing everything in their power to leave the situation, only using excessive force as an absolute last resort. The average adult male (yes, evena 19 yr old) does not have to beat the isht out of the average adult woman to get away from the situation. heck, my younger brothers were play wrestling with me when they were 12 and 13, and I knew then that they didn’t even have to use 25% of their full strength to gain the upper hand. So no, a man whooping some woman’s ass is not about self defense, it’s about him doing it because he can, because he wants to. Period.

It is really sad to me how most communities of color overlook the seriousness of domestic violence and other forms of abuse, and are more likely to blame the women who are victimized. Until we hold the men accountable, nothing else is going to change.

and as the only member of the EC present right now my mother always told me not to put my hands on anyone unless they hit me first. most men are stronger than me and in the case that their mothers give them the advice to get all Mike Tyson on a woman just because she pushed him I wouldn’t want to be in that predicament.

^^ cosign w/ Mogli

Hey all

My two cents on Chris Brown/Rihanna.

I am sick of the speculation. Maybe it is because of my love affair with words but I am very through with the media hyping it up like it was a movie. Yes, I am reserving judgement till I know what happened, not because I am prepared to give Chris a pass if this happened or this didn’t happen but mostly because I know how words can be used to inflate an issue. I am not saying there is a level of violence and each merits a different reaction, I would just like to know what happened bar the three/four/five middlemen.

I do have a question…if the woman hits first…does that change the situation?

eshe, we know he hit her. we know that he has no visible injuries except for bruised knuckles. that is what we know.

and if the woman hits first it depends. If she is putting hands on you like Laila Ali and you CANNOT get away or coming at with with a weapon then by all means you make the right decision for your safety. But if she slapped you in the face or shoved you? no need to beat her up

@Mogli

Yes, we know that. And that is wrong and inexcusable. I still want to know what happened, not what someone heard happened.

but blue what else is there to know? why exactly is it so important WHY he hit her or what led up to it? It will not change what has already happened.

Blue
Not at all…it doesn’t matter.

@mogli

For me its a knowledge issue. I like to know the context of situations. It won’t change the end result and in most situations it won’t change the initial reaction I had, but it does give a better authority to speak to the situation.

so blue in every case of abuse you always reserve judgment until all facts are given?

I do try, yes and not just in cases of abuse. But obviously it is not as easy if/when you are close to the person in any situation.

@Blue
Would you change how you looked at the situation if it was over Herpes? IMO the reason doesn’t matter at this point. It’ll be interesting to see if he can get his career back in order. Im sure if R Kelly can, he can do the same

when you hear a woman and her kids were killed by their husband/father you decide that you need to hear his side of the story?

when a child claims they were raped by a close family member/friend/teacher/etc do you decide you need to hear the accused side of the story?

when it’s all over the news people are quick to judge. but when it is a superstar which seems like the holy grail to the black community we have this wait and see attitude.

Mogli
Thats a little to the extreme…but look how those Duke students were falsly accused? We badly wanted them to be guilty..Sometimes we can’t immediately judge from what we here from the media…

Chris Brown and his celebrity is of no consequence to me. Consequences of actions should be equal on all accounts. To assume I am reserving judgment because he is some famous black man is wrong.

Both situations you gave are wrong as is hitting a woman–WRONG. But to determine that does not stop any type of investigation or any type of gaining of knowledge. As I said earlier knowing more information does not change the situation or the outcome it gives you a better authority to speak to the situation. Yes, we can all agree that in all situations you have presented it is wrong and more knowledge won’t change the fact that it is wrong but it doesn’t stifle the need for information.

@blaze
The Duke situation was different in that the accusation was sketchy from the beginning. The facts were always in question in that situation. There is no question as to the facts of the Chris Brown / Rihanna situation. Only people waiting for irrelevant, ancillary information for reasons that dont seem to make any sense.

The only reason why we’re even talking about Chris Brown is because he’s a celebrity….domestic abuse happens everyday to ordinary people

@Blue
Sounds like this has happened before….

http://www.bossip.com

okay blue, so what information are you looking to be released? I think most people are waiting on them to say that he hit her. SHE may say it but HE won’t. That’s like R.Kelly saying it was him in that tape just because they weren’t able to verify the girls age…

Lying about a STD and hitting me would equally SUCK!!!! Next would be cheating because that would still be putting me in risk of an STD…
Then stealing money from me…BAD BAD BAD! but I would atleast like to know WHY they stoled the money.

@ and1:

Checked out your blog, and was particularly interested in the Black Male Privilege Checklist. I think the dialogue here shows shades of some of the items on that list…

I’m not looking for any information in particular, just information.

@JAT
Which items?

Particularly about male complicity, different standards for men and women in society, and the threats (or fear) of sexual and physical violence that face women.

You stated PAST STD so I’m assuming that it’s been cured. In that case, I’m going with violence as being the most inexcusable. However, if it’s HIV/Herpes/anything incurable, it & violence are on the same level. Either way, you’ve taken something invaluable away from me.

I’ve expressed my views on the CB/Rihanna situation on my blog. (Yes, that is a shameless plug.) Domestic violence is & will always be inexcusable, and I find it ghastly how many are searching for ways to do just that. Abuse rarely happens just once. Someone just doesn’t lose control. It’s about being in control, and the desire to do such does not evaporate.

What Mogli referenced may seem extreme to some, but the fact is that those actions are not spontaneous. Hints/clues are given along the way of what this person is capable of, but they’re ignored/excused as the person descends into this abomination. (DISCLAIMER: I am not saying C. Brown is guilty or that he’s capable of anything so horrible. That isn’t my place.)

All of that being said, domestic violence is far more & too common, and it is my passion and daily mission to see those numbers lowered. So for anyone needing help/advisement/etc, please, by all means, contact me. There are people who do not judge and are just here to help.

I’m late today. Not much for me to really add here. I think hitting a woman is inexcusable. And the people who spout on about what “what she did” are misguided. It doesn’t matter what she did. There’s also a big difference between PROTECTING and ATTACKING. Bites and bruises are usually indicative of the latter. And the latter — at the risk of sounding redundant is inexcusable. If anyone has or knows anyone involved in an abusive relationship — you should take Reina up on her offer.

Peace & Love,

Pres

HK and Mogli both make good points but I understand completely where HK is coming from. My brother has always treated women with the respect our mother taught him to, but not all women are worthy of such respect. I know some of you may not want to hear it but as women we do need to show men the same respect we expect them to show us. My brother suffered from two brain tumors in his teens and his ex-girlfriend knew this. Knowing this she still thought it would be okay (b/c she was sooo mad over a phone call from another girl who was just his friend) to hit him upside the head with her fist. She thought that because his surgery was almost three years prior that it wouldn’t be a problem. Well it was a major problem and my brother ended up in the hospital fighting for his life yet again. Now if he would’ve grabbed her and shook her then he would’ve been in trouble but because he’s a gentleman she almost cost him his life. With that said I don’t believe it’s right for a man to ever hit a woman, but if a woman wants to act like she has a pair of balls between her legs then she deserves to get shook up. If my brother would’ve done that he wouldn’t have ended up back in the hospital. Women we need to move past this mentality that it’s okay for us to hit a man and not expect them to RESTRAIN us, not hit but RESTRAIN. There is a difference.

I dont condone any violence from either sexes, but I do want to hear the full details before I make any judgement. For one thing the police report hasnt even been made public(not tat I know of), right now all I’m hearing is what other people claim happened. No one has proven the herpes story, no one has proven the car accident story,no one has proven “these horific injuries(we dont have the hospital records),we havent seen pictures of either of their faces to see if anyone is actually bruised up or to see the extend of the damage. Basically everything that is out there right now is based on hear say and I’m not going to bash either one of them just based on what I’ve heard or what people think happened. And FYI the LAPD arent actually the best models when it comes to the phrase ‘protect and serve’, (check the history on that).

In your list of “Worse Relationship Offense[s]” you forgot rape/sexual assault/sexual coercion…which happens more often than people would like to acknowledge. Or is that not considered an offense?