The Past Still Haunts Me
Feb 28th, 2009 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Letters
Comments (6)
Dear Fly Guy
When I was 12 years old, I was molested by two family members. I have since forgiven them, but I think it has affected the way I let men treat me. I dealt with a lot of mental abuse growing up from my father, and was scarred by the way he treated my mom. I tried to break up so many physical altercations between them as a teenager … I can remember that, but I blocked out what happened to me.
In middle school, I can remember telling a boy that I liked him, and I even wrote him a note. He just looked at me, and said out loud “I don’t like you.” I wanted him to validate me … and I couldn’t accept his rejection. Eventually, I had a boyfriend or two but it never ended on good terms. I was always embarrassed in front of large groups of people, so my rejection was never private. It always left me wondering if I was the problem. Do I call too much or too little? Am I too giving or too bitchy?
As I got older and had a few serious relationships, I noticed that when a man is done with me, he would give me the same look in his eyes that I got from my father as a child. Fly Guy, I trust no man but God, yet I still long for a meaningful relationship. I love being in love. Even when things are bad, I will try to make it work until I’m empty.
I just want to know from you … Do I need a therapist? I’ve been through far worst situations in my life, but I’m 34 and looking to be married one day. I’m also hoping to have one more child (I’m a mother of one). In my mind, something is stopping me from having a true-life partner. What do you think?
Seeking Unity
Dear Seeing Unity,
For starters, let me say that I am so sorry for all that you have been through in life. To have family members betray and violate you is something that would be hard for anyone to overcome. With that being said, you’re right … it has affected your relationships with men. In my opinion, the only way to get over this hump is by seeking the counsel of a trained professional. Talking to them doesn’t mean that something’s irreparably wrong with you … you just need a qualified ear to help you make sense of all of the craziness that the world has thrown your way.
You deserve nothing but peace and happiness in your life, and I am certain that in time, you will find it. So my advice to you would be to seek that help, and to just be patient. You said that you trust no man but God, and that’s understandable considering all that you’ve been through. But since you do trust God, I need you to lean on Him in a big way right now. As you’re going through counseling, also be praying for peace, for understanding, and most importantly, for wholeness. This journey is not going to be easy, but I am completely confident that you will make it through this even better than ever. Remember, if you ever need me, I’m only an email away.
The Fly Guy
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Ay Unity; I, The Nice Guy, agree with what the Fly Guy has said to you as far as his advice…
You definitely should seek someone to speak with about your past.
I can tell you from personal experience that there isn’t anything wrong or bad about talking with a professional. It doesn’t make you crazy or a nut case or anything of the such…
Just be honest with yourself and whoever it is you chose to speak too & you’ll be fine!
Dear Fly Guy and The Nice Guy DJ ED Nice,
I would like to thank you both for the advice. The first step for me was to talk about it and realize that I never dealt with the pain. I am seeking help.
I am forever grateful. God Bless
Dear Seeking Unity:
You are definitely on the right track, because your letter shows a lot of introspection and reflection on what has happened to you. I definitely encourage you to seek counseling, so that you can have an ear that will help you navigate to a place of healing and wholeness. Leaving all the hurt, abuse, betrayal, etc. in the past is a painful process, but don’t shy away from it because that is what is necessary to move on. Stay positive, and be patient until you are complete and able to wait until the right kind of man finds you, and you in turn are able to recognize him.
I will be praying for you!!!
Blessing to you Seeking Unity!!
My heart goes out to you in so many ways. I too was molested (by my stepfather) as a young child (age 10-16) and I totally understand exactly where you are. I want to say this to you…TRUST, BELIEVE and RELY on the Lord for your coming out and for your strenght. Allow Him to cover you and comfort you and you will get through this time. It wont be easy babe, but I promise you once you come through….it will be worth it. The pain is huge but it must be dealt with, but I say deal with it on your terms…in your way. Also you must realize your worth and you must allow yourself to fully love yourself. Take it one day at a time.
I have been through it and I am here to talk if you care to.
A sista reaching out to a sista!
God Bless,
Rhonda (rhonda.brewster@gmail.com)
That was deep.
Seeking Unity, once you’re done with your counciling or even while you’re going through it, talk to your friends. If you are open to someone about your relationships with men you date, they can probably tell you if you are too clingy, too distant… Sometimes the people around you can tell you about yourself when you can’t see it yourself.