Her Secret

Feb 11th, 2009 | Author: admin | Category: Fly Letters
Comments (8)

Dear Fly Guy,

Well I’m almost in the same situation as Anna (Read here). About 4 months ago I was told I had herpes as a result of being gang raped. It’s not as bad as HIV, but nonetheless it is an STD. Due to the type of herpes, I don’t get any outbreaks other than the initial one, and with medication and the use of protection, it is less likely that I will pass it on. Around the time that I contracted it, I had just started a relationship, and was crushed by the news. I haven’t told my boyfriend yet, and have simply avoided having intercourse with him out of fear … luckily he doesn’t pressure me. I really don’t want to tell him about it because then I would have to tell him how I got it, and I don’t want to relive that moment. So what should I do? Should I tell him, or just hope to God he doesn’t get it if we ever become intimate?

Searching For Answers

Dear Searching For Answers,

My heart goes out to you because of the past pain that you’ve endured. But that same pain is the very reason that you should tell him. In your own words, receiving that news from your doctor was “crushing.” So why risk someone else experiencing that same type of shocking blow because of you? You didn’t deserve that fate, but the same can be said for him. So if intimacy is what you desire, then that conversation must take place first. There’s no way around it.

On another note, it may be in your best interest to seek professional help to overcome the traumatic experience that started all of this. Some things aren’t meant to be bottled up. So please … find someone that’s qualified to work through those emotions with you. Keep me posted.

The Fly Guy

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  • http://milly-o.blogspot.com/ Milly

    Thats horrible! But I think she should tell him, he has a right to know and have a choice in the matter of the relationship

  • what?

    I think that you should wait until u fully trust this man before teling him about the rape, and after which tell him about the STD. But do not have sex with this man until he knows EVERYTHING…and if u feel like U can’t trust him enough to tell him EVERYTHING let him go…I feel for you because u didn’t contract this by being irresponsible, like u said it is not a death sentence though!

  • http://reinasong.blogspot.com REINA

    I agree with FG. He needs to be told ASAP. Allow him to make the decision to continue forward or not. He only needs to know that you have it, not how you contracted it. That’s a personal, traumatic experience, and there is no pressure on you to divulge that information until, if you’re ever, ready to do so.

    I am deeply sorry this happened to you.

  • Just A Thought

    Do not tell him about the rape. You need to seek therapy so that you can heal emotionally from that, and you do not need to have the complications that can/will arise from telling a new romantic partner about such a traumatizing experience.

    If you want to continue in the relationship, then you need to tell him about the infection. But, be prepared to have to dodge questions about when/how you contracted it. A less messy way to extricate yourself is to end the relationship, and seek the help you need to recover from this experience. It wouldn’t be easy, but it would allow yourself time and space to heal without involving another person.

  • devoted1

    I am so sorry that you had to endure such a horrible thing, everything will be ok and I honestly believe that you will find happiness.

    In regards to you divulging information, I think that it is necessary for you to inform this man about your STD before you become intimate (in any way). However I feel that you shouldn’t sleep with him until you feel like it is a relationship with PROMISE. There is no need to be putting your business in the street with someone who may not care about you/or be around for the long haul. You will end up having everyone in his/your circle knowing your business and there will be a stigma attached to you that could prevent men (that are more understanding)who are interested in you from persuing you. The decision to reveal or not reveal how you contracted it is really up to you and I personally don’t see why that would be pertinent for the person to know.

    Statistically speaking 1 out of 2 people has herpes (I or II) and doesn’t even know it. I wish you well on your journey to emotional recovery and hope everything works out for you.

  • http://chicknamedvick.blogspot.com Mogli

    I agree with FG. I think you should tell him. Sooner the better. He may not be opposed to continuing your relationship. And if you’re not currently seeking therapy I think you should. Healing from something of that magnitude on your own can prove to be very difficult.

  • Just A Thought

    Just as a disclaimer, the writer of this letter should NOT be ashamed that she was victimized and assaulted. I just think that her recovery is the first and foremost priority, and that she should not reveal the rape to the other person until she can do so comfortably. Speaking out about sexual assault is liberating, but she first needs to deal with 1. getting therapy, 2. seeking legal remediation to prosecute her attackers, and 3. focusing on her recovery; before she begins dealing with someone else’s reaction to something that happened to her.

  • http://heyshae.com/blog sHaE-sHaE

    Since she’s feeling guilt, I agree, she should seek professional help. If she decides to stay in the relationship she needs to tell him. I can’t stand when people take away my right to make an informed choice and if she gets intimate with him without letting him know she has an STD she’s taking away his choice for selfish reasons. Not to mention he could probably sue if he catches it and finds she knew she had the disease. Intentional infection is not a good look.