Her Insecurites Are Killing Me

LOL, true! Insecure people are a burden, and no matter how nice/romantic/trustworthy/patient/loving/etc. you are, they will always need/want/demand more. I’ve been on both sides of this equation (not as extreme as the example, though), and it absolutely kills the relationship.

@Just a Thought,

Yeah, it really does kill things. What’s sad is that more often than not, the person is oblivious to the strain that they are placing on the relationship.

It has come to my recent realization that the more emotionally invested I get into a relationship, the more insecure I become. Things like missed phone calls, quick conversations, inconsistencies that I’d normally shrug off seem to ring loudly in my ear. It has to occur over a fairly decent amount of time before I mention it, though. I’m not normally an insecure girl so if I find myself questioning his actions/motives, doubting myself, there has to be something he’s doing or not doing that’s making me that way. And when I’m not secure in a relationship, I leave. Paranoia isn’t good for the skin or my frame of mind.

@ Reina:

Buenos dias! You always have a punchline.

@ Reina/FG:

I agree that a person’s actions (or lack thereof) can contribute to insecurity in a relationship. But I always thought that some of the most irrevocable damage is due to a person’s own internal insecurities. A person who doesn’t know their self worth can be just a burdensome as someone who has trust issues or who doesn’t feel secure in the relationship.

Insecurity can definitely kill the relationship depending on how extreme it is. I understand why someone would leave a situation like that. What is the resolution for the insecure person? or is he/she destined to be alone?

My biggest insecurity is dealing with women who haven’t had full closure with their ex’s, especially with dudes they’ve been with for years prior to me and who are continuously lurking for that second or third chance.

@Blaze,

That happens a lot.

@ JAT

Good Day Lady! I definitely agree with that. Someone who doesn’t recognize his/her own value and expects their SO to constantly validate them needs to be alone.

Great post!

Overcoming a women’s insecurity is virtually impossible. There’s nothing that you can do to overcome it. Ties must be severed. Eventually, her insecurities could lead you into doing something that you shouldn’t do.

I can’t agree more. Though I do get jealous and insecure at times and I remain silent about it because it is MY issue. There is a lot of space between ‘he is too friendly with the mail lady asking about his magazine’ and ‘he is always on the phone with a chick and consistently late coming home’.

I know this post was meant to be serious, but all I could think when I saw your remedy was to co-sign and yell over your shoulder as she was leaving:

“don’t let the doorknob hit ya where the good lord split ya!!”

LMAO!!

whoa…up until recently I struggled with this…then I heard/remembered several phrases that claify everything and erase (my) insecurities:

never believe anything anyone ever tells u bout urself (too skinny, too short, too tall, too serious, weird…whatever)

peoples’ issues are THEIR OWN!

people are programmed to do what they want to do…don’t think you’re so high on their list that all their actions, negative or otherwise, are geared with you in mind….they’re not.

And lastly…

Build a bridge and get over it!

Insecurities gone!

oh yeah…whats good ppl?

So Chelz you’re trying to say you dont have any insecurities?

Hey Chelsea!

Good Lord!

what this woman suffers from is far from insecurity, basically it seems like she cannot, will not and see’s so reason to trust her mate, which would be understandable if he did something to break that trust in the beginning. i’m going through a similar situation, caught between a crossroads between thinking “ok, that’s it, he’s changed finally, no need to worry it’s just US now” and the otherside which is like “yooooo stupid woman, RUN!”…in the case mentioned above i’d def. reconsider the relationship..nobody not even the accuser can live with the constant frustration, desperate feeling of having to question/ answer questions from their mate, i’ve found if you gotta ask or question, what you think might be true, prob is. in any event i suggest your actions be true and speak for you!

Hi All,

This is only my second time commenting, but I have been lurking for a while now. I think this post was written just for me today (I’m so vain, I know.. j/k). But seriously, I am going through this with my dude right now. I’m not typically an insecure person, but for some reason, I find myself constantly doubting him and I hate that. I try to say, oh women’s intuition blah blah, but then after more thought, I realize that I am trippin a bit. It is a something I’m tryin to work this sh*t out because outside of this issue, I’m an awesome catch (yup the vanity’s back lol).

@Miss Chelsea- how long do you think it took for you to get to the place where you are now? BTW Loved your anecdotes!

@ Chels

It isn’t that easy for others. I have no idea when I got to this stage of iongiveadamn, probably after my precious meatball head came into my life but I know that it can run deeper for others.

@ Mogli (the Former Ms. Miss)

I totally agree. But, in the end, no matter how difficult getting over something can be, you eventually have to do it.

yeah JAT there were too many Ms’ for me.

All I can is DAMN DAMN DAMN! I guess when men play so many things and you have completely healed from the previous relationship your insecurities will be like big ass gradders like the on in jersey city,nj. I have been here a couple of times and lost a couple of good ones (can’t remember there names becaus ethe bad ones keep lurkin), but I know next time I will be ready to trust really. @blaze a woman does not have to be in along turn relationship for the ex’s drama to be lurkin, they could have been together a shorter time and was hot and heavy. Trust Mother Knows.

@Purple
I totally agree, the one before you had first dibs…lol.

Dibs, lingering, all that jazz. IMO women tend to do hold to these rules/sentiments more. Dudes are more likely to hold the opinion that “you had your chance, now scram!” I think a prior relationship gets you another initial interview, but you still gotta go through the rigorous selection process.

@J
Thats a bunch of rhetoric..it works both ways

@quietone an insecure person or a person having an insecure moment is not, not capabell of being in a healthy relationship, they just need to figure what is making them insecure and call it a day. Fix what is wrong.

@ blaze:

is rhetoric your word for the week?

Hello!Maxwell was there…I would of forgot all about my man and any insecurities…LOL jk

@blaze LOL!!

@Purple
Is a women considered insecure if she doesnt trust men in general…even prior to any relations.?..If so could you provide some insight on how she can move towards resolving that issue/insecurity on her part. From a mans view thats not sexy at all…

****woman

What is it when the memory of the bad ex won’t go away. His ass is lurking his memory is stalking me. Right now I have been gotten rid of my ex and he should up in my dreams earlier this wek. It’s like I have let him go I don’t want him we are over he went back to whoever or got a new one. I just wnat to be free of him so I can get with a good man, and so I don’t have insecurities I won’t try for man because I know I will ready to be in a happy, healthy, loving relationship.

@Purple
If he’s all in your dreams you might have some unresolved issues or maybe the sex was that good and you can’t shake him…who knows….just sayin’

I always thought trust is earned. You start off at a basic level and work your way up.

@ LOL!!! My bad I am typing fast and taking calls.

Really both, Trying to close a door with no formal closure. May take some time, but it will be worth it.

@Purple
I like your honesty…

Yes, My aunts have always said they learned to be “strong” from my mother when dealing with men. Just that comment alone says that you are coming into a relationship with anothers life leasons and bagage. A woman should not take on “my girlfriends drama”, but learn her mistakes and stay clear.

last comment @blaze line 29

@blaze thank you. I have been so many places that women are at and have been and we can’t teach the next ones if we are not honest about relationships. No books prepare you for the real nitty gritty relationships. I am sure it’s the same way for men to.

@Purple
I agree….I think both genders have the same issues and we both make the same mistakes…we can’t keep pointing the finger playing the victim role. We need to start taking personal responsibility for ourselves and our own actions…everything else is out of our control.

@blaze not just from a mans side but a womans side also it is not sexy either, but you won’t know while your in the act. you will have to step outside the relationship and look at it. It is hard but it can be done. I do it all the time. I wish you all a great weekend. Peace!

@ balze Thank U. My #1. Don not make excuses make a resolution. I am not making excuses for a damn adult and not else should. If you can do it, you can fix it.

@Purple
Fa sho…Have a good weekend

testing…

I agree but when your with someone and they do a 360 then its not the question of insecure but rather it becomes doubt and everyone is a victim of doubt whether your attractive, successful etc I have my own condo, banging job and I’m a great package/catch yet I question the changes my man has made he calls less, text less * we spend no time and yet I have asked him about the changes and he does is create more distance, if were adults then why do a 360 change rather than be real * that can make anyone insecure or should I say a person have doubt

A great remedy to fixing your own insecurities is to understand your worth and love yourself unconditionally.

Once do you that, you will find that relationships and life just gets better…I could elaborate but I dont wanna write a book on your blog lol

i’m going to be real quick with this (because i could go on for days about this):

1. trust yourself. if you don’t or don’t think you can/should, don’t date. get the hook up with netflix and stay your behind at home. stop wasting people’s time having them think you’re ready for a relationship when you’re not.

2. if you’re at the point where you are ready to throw all of your eggs in one basket, make sure you are wholeheartdly sure about your decision, accept your decision, enjoy what you have and who you are with, and if things for some reason don’t work out, accept the consequences of your choice. LEARN FROM IT. like *Miss Chelsea* said, build a bridge and get over it. and since you SHOULD be friends 1st, you SHOULD be able to work through the downside of things without them getting ugly (you are friends, right?).

3. if things are going well, please please please stop looking over the horizon trying to find something negative to come rolling over. you made the decision to solely be with this one person. WHY? i mean, i’m not saying play stupid and assume if something negative does happen to show itself you should turn a blind eye to it. you should be able to focus on the “why’s” and if a concern does cross your mind , you should be able to converse with the person you’re with about the “why not’s” when things do change (because things eventually do change. but that’s life). it’s a matter of if the change acceptable (to you). if so, accept it. if it blows up in you face, accept that, too. you made the choice to accept it in the 1st place. now you know you don’t. lesson learned, move on.

if not, you should converse with them about these changes. of course it’s a matter of when you’re ready, but don’t sit on it for too long. all that does is make matters worse. when you only have your own thoughts to work with, it only creates more doubt. and how you address these concerns is just as important since some of you need to learn how to converse about your relationship without looking like you’re accusing them of something or looking paranoid or insecure when you’re not.

4. Candy spoke about someone doing a 360 (i thought it was a 180? shoot, i wish they did do a 360 and turned right back around to when they seemed to have some sense). i think Candy’s situation is different (i’m not sure if dude is as into what you two have as you are), but generally speaking all i can say to that is people are individuals before the relationship. we had lives before the relationship, and once things calm down from the “newness”, we’re going to slowly slide back into our own worlds. understand that. just try to keep things open, real and as honest as possible. just think, one day you will wake up next to this person. some of you will stop doing those push-ups you did before walking into the club to get your swole on. and i doubt some of you’ll be wearing that push-up bra and girdle to bed…

i know i said i was going to keep it short, but i also said i can go on for days about this also, so most apologies. i wish i could sum this all up, but i’m a bit peeved at the moment after practically re-living some of the nonsense while typing all of this (i’m over it, but unnecessary stuff and hypocrisy are big pet peeves of mine). i’ll just say just work on getting yourself to the point where you can take that leap of faith into someone’s arms without a parachute. you might find that the fall isn’t long at all…

damn, that was long. SORRY!!!

I’ve learned long ago that if someone wants to do wrong, no amount of stressing, prying, nagging will stop it. And, the more nagging one does, the more that person pushes the other away, as it tears at the relationship. And what could have been a “normal” relationship to begin with, is now unnecessarily strained. I’m a fairly positive person, and trust probably more than most. However, when I do feel insecure there’s always good reason – reason to do a little investigating, pay a little more attention, and eventually I’ll most likely find something that reconfirms my suspicions and gives me the fuel to leave the sinking ship.