All the time. It does sting when you think about someone wanting to be with someone else instead of you. Like, “Why wasn’t I good enough?”. But then again, that leads back to giving someone too much power over you and I refuse to anymore. I just shrug it off as, “He was a jerk anyway…” and keep it moving.

New to this, I’ll give it a try!!
Always would ask myself WHY it didnt work until I realized that if I knew the answer, it wouldnt be a question. Thought maybe I didnt try hard enough, or maybe it was my inhibitions that shorted our relationship. But that soon passed when I realized that its not my flaws that I need to try to fix, I just have to find that person willing to accept them and work with me. So I just look forward for now on, not back and realize I have come a long way

Fly, I can honestly say that usually after a bad break up, I KNOW why. Actually I’ve known why long before we broke up. Yes, there have been times when I’ve asked what was wrong with me, why he didn’t love me enough, what was wrong with me that he couldn’t be faithful, why did he up and go back to his ex after all this time, and so many more. But as your grandmother stated, after while you have to stop asking why because you can’t move on when you continue to waddle in it. You have to just realize that the person wasn’t for you…yet at the same time, we also must begin to self analyze but for the right reason. So often we place blame on everything and everyone but ourselves in bad situations. Personally, when I break up with someone, I take time off to mentally, emotionall, and yes physically repair myself. It keeps me from taking any of the last relationship into a potential new one.

@ FG
Guilty, of all charges above!!!
Yes I have found myself wondering WHY in most of my relationships (if I really cared a lot for the guy) and your grandmother has never been more right, it only leads to more questions. Being the go getter that I am I always call up the ex (after enough time has passed where I can have a conversation without loads of sarcasm of course) to figure out the “real” reason why we didn’t work out. Unfortunately the whack reasons only left me scratching my head…wondering how I allowed myself to get involved with such an idiot in the first place, lol.

@Chloe
I have been an avid self analyzer for about the last 3 years now. After a few failed relationships, I couldn’t dare continue blaming “the other party” because the common thing that all those SO’s had in common was ME.

Happy New Year all…

Been on both sides of the fence with this one and even used the infamous..”its not you, its me..I need to get my mind right”. When really it has been another woman that has peaked my interest and caused me to move on.

I agree with Devoted. Once you allow some time go by, I’ve found it useful to have a casual conversation with ex girlfriends or even with women I only dated for a month or so to get their perspective and possibly learn from my mistakes. Ultimately though you never get the truth but some people need closure.

I definitely was/am guilty of this, but only with one past relationship. Other than that, it never has mattered to me. And I am NOT one for talking about it later (like I said, once we break up, he needs to not exist). I don’t really care what his reasons were, so nothing he can say will make sense, make me feel better, etc. I just have to accept that it is over, and then allow myself time to heal. That, and to look at things that I think are blocking me from having a healthy relationship with someone else (and likley led to the demise of the last relationship) and work on fixing those.

I have spent way too much time over-analyzing reasons for failed relationships. I guess the main questions I would ask myself after a break-up was “If he thought that I had all these great qualities and that we were happy together, why did he lose interest? What happened to change his mind?” Although part of me knew the answers, there’s still a part of me that’s puzzled. Years ago I used to blame myself entirely for failed relationships, but now that I’m a little older, I see that those relationships had to end because that is part of God’s plan. I don’t understand His plans sometimes, but I trust that a even greater guy will come along in my life, better than the previous.

I’ve only done this in one relationship. It was my last boyfriend and the only reason I did it was because he broke up with me by just not talking to me anymore. I mean no call, no email, no text. So I must admit the whole situation left me asking what the hell just happened here? But at the end of the day, I felt if he didn’t even have the respect to let me know what was going on then I’m better off without him. And he couldn’t be worth anymore of my time or energy. I just told myself that he wasn’t sitting around thinking of me so why would I sit around thinking of him?

Omg, not gonna get into it. Still dealing with last break up…I’ve decided to just give myself time to mourn.

“Instead of wasting away wondering why someone doesn’t want to be in our lives, many of us would be better served by simply focusing on the people that do want to be in our lives.”

I couldn’t agree any more with that. Unfortunately, as you mentioned, it’s hard to execute. Someone choosing not to be your life hurts, and it makes you doubt yourself, wonders what about you makes you unworthy of being kept. You just HAVE to know, and I’m someone who will question & look for an answer until I get it. Looking at myself in a mirror always helps, though. It reminds me of who I am and that my cheekbones are too high to have puffy eyes.

Asking questions never lead to the answer we want to hear. Nine times out of Ten, we know why the relationship has ended but it’s hard to face the truth. Relationships end long before they “END” but most of us are hoping the other one has the courage to be honest and speak on it.

I’m usually not asking why we broke up, more like why did I stay around for so long? Upset that I didn’t end things sooner. But I agree with everything everyone has written. There’s this incessant need in women to know why. It’s as if we truly believe that if we know why we can move on. So not the case, once we find out why, and its not a reason we can live with, all hell breaks loose. That’s when all the other questions come out. and we start losing our hair lol.

Sounds like something my grandmother would say….well the part about the rocking chair.

But people need to stop rocking back and forth in relationships, b/c you are going nowhere fast. That’s why Reggie Boy doesn’t sit down. Got to keep it moving.

Its like you replay it…well as for me i try to anaylze where stuff went left…it took me a while to get over and through it…tha person and i were together for like 3 years…but i made a promise to myself…i would stay in girlfriend status when in a relationship and stop trying to play the position as “wife” while in girlfriend status. Period. Until i am asked to play the par officially.

your grandmother is VERY smart!

I’ve been there before, obsessing over the WHY after being dumped, but I didn’t have to do anything to get over it- he did it for me by cheating on his new gf with a couple (yes, a COUPLE) he met on craigslist, and this was AFTER he asked me if I wanted to go to a swinger’s club with him AND offering to come over to my house and perform oral sex on me (and OF COURSE I said no to both!!)…

WOOO LAWD!! Bullet. Dodged.

That dude showed me his true colors and I no longer asked WHY and instead counted my blessings that he left me!

I never ask why. I’ll wonder why, but never let it get the best of me. Instead I keep my focus on the fact that it’s over and the best thing I could do for myself is to move forward. One of my last relationships… the guy I was with for 3 years cheated on me. When I found out I dropped all communication with him, because there was nothing for me to say. A few months later he called me from a private number so I’d pick up, and asked me why I never asked him why, he said “don’t you wanna know at least why?”. I responded, “I don’t need to ask why, because whatever you tell me, I will not believe based on the fact you lost all my trust, and secondly I don’t need to know WHY because that will not change what you did.”

omg….this really hit home….i broke down after reading this….its so true…