I Confess…I Cheated
Jan 9th, 2009 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Features
Comments (174)
The (Not So) Fly Scenario:
Your significant other comes to you and confesses to a singular moment of infidelity. He/she sincerely apologizes, and promises that it will never happen again. According to them, it was never their intention to hurt you, and the thought of living a lie is more than they can bear. What do you do? Do you:
a) Forgive them
b) Immediately end the relationship
c) Refuse to discuss it until you’ve had time to think
d) Get even
The second part of this scenario brings us to the Fly Question of the Day:
Does it make it easier to forgive cheating if your significant other comes to you versus you finding out on your own?
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I’d probably just end it right away. Although the second part of your question does bring up an interesting thought. I think that I’d be more likely to fogrvie if they came to me and confessed. If I catch them in the act, then its absolutely over. No ifs ands or buts.
C.
It makes a difference whether they confess or not and if they ask remorseful. I forgave one instance and then the remorseful act went out the window….and he cheated again. GAME OVER!! Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
@Cyn,
I feel you. Been there done that too.
It really depends on where we are in our relationship. It also depends on what we have been through and what type of experiences we’ve had, as well as how that person has treated me overall. Simply cutting ties and walking away is not an easy thing to do when you love someone….and realistically speaking, we are all human. That very person that you throw your hands up and walk away from could very well be the person that God has chosen for you. Some may not agree, but then some will say one thing and be put in the situation and do another….or are in the situation and yet saying something else. I like to believe in second chances. As for whether it will make it easier to forgive….well again it all depends. I have had some men to do it just to gage your reactdion and see exactly how far they can go. He told you because he’s testing his limits and wants to see if you’ll stay so he can keep on acting a fool safely knowing that “She ain’t going nowhere”. On the other hand, if I know my man and know his character, it will be much easier for me to forgive if he is man enough to come to me and tell me first….the odds are in his favor because he KNOWS he’s putting his (blank) possibly on the chopping block. He knows that he is going to have to endure some rough times with me. I hope that he’s doing it because he realizes he’s made a mistake and doesn’t want me to be caught out there unarmed should it come to me in some sort of way.
If they told me I would need some time to wrap my mind aroud what they just said, but in time I would forgive them and it would take alot of work from the both of us to build the trust back up.
How many languages can I say “no” in? I don’t trust easily nor quickly, and it only takes an instant for that trust to be ripped away. Infidelity would definitely void that trust, and I couldn’t remain in a relationship where it no longer existed. On the other hand, his confession may make me more forgiving (if forgiveness was possible), but in my mind, I’d wonder if his confession was only partly told.
Still, who knows? With adequate remorse and potent groveling, maybe a more progressive side of me could be revealed.
Anything’s possible. There are couples who have recovered from infidelity only to find their relationship stronger than it was beforehand. But, that’s rare, and takes special people willing to do whatever it takes to right the wrongs in their relationship.
Key words: special people. Not everyone and not every relationship is capable of bouncing back from that sort of betrayal.
So to the question… if he comes forth, is it easier to forgive? Possibly. Depends on the situation. Why did he cheat in the first place? Cuz he was drunk at the club and wanted that Angel Lola Luv ass that was grinding on him? Or was it a moment of weakness during a time the relationship was going through some rough spots, and he fell for the kind faced girl who gave him a shoulder to cry on? And then, what is forcing the confession? Guilt, or extenuating circumstances? My ex fiance confessed to cheating on me once. Why? Not because of his guilt. Oh no. He lived with it for 4 years no problem, and would’ve kept it going. But ol’ girl had a 4 year old son who needed child support and took his behind to court for DNA testing. So it was either he tell me first or I find out on the street. He chose the former.
(PS – I changed my name to match my Twitter/Blog handle) I’m all about consistency these days :)
I don’t think I forgive easily. She’d probably get the boot. The thought of my woman bummping uglies with another dude…I’ll pass.
Um? can i change C to refuse to talk about it until I’ve had a drink? LOL kit-ting, for me it does make a difference if they come to me and tell me..that don’t mean i’m not gonna be mad but at least he had the balls to man up. Ain’t nothing worse than getting a call on your cell @ 2 in the morning with some scallywag on the phone talking bout I slept with your man…ugh
I think I would do combination of both a and b. You have to forgive people for their transgressions for your own health and well being. I know I would definitely have to let them go because people have a habit of repeating old/bad habit, ie. “Old Habits Die Hard”.
To answer the question of the day, I would appreciate it more if my SO told me me hearing it through the grapevine. That would show some kind or remorse and that you at least have some amount of respect for me still left in you.
To answer the second part, I don’t know. I’m not likely to stay with a cheater, but it really depends on how much I still want to be with that person. If I’m thinking of staying, then it would depend on if it is a one time thing or a pattern of behavior.
What’s sad is that cheating is so rampant (even in some of these 20+ year marriages) that most people expect you to stay and forgive them.
For the first question, if a dude I was seeing confessed to cheating, regardless of what I decided to do I would take some time to think about it because I am an introvert.
Nah….that would be the ultimate deal breaker. Trust has to be the central building block for any foundation of a relationship..bottom line. Plus that brings on instant resentment and thats not healthy at all.
On the flip side if she’s willing to drop down on the depth chart, enter my pool of dating prospects and spend time working her way back up to rebuild my trust…I may consider it but with no promises.
I’m gonna go with A.) But it kinda depends.
I mean I’d definitely feel better that he told be instead of having to find out on my own. B/C that shows he has some type of resentment or at least cares about me enough to let me know…
HOWEVER…
just b/c he felt the need to confess…that doesn’t make me auto okay with the fact that his azz stepped out. IDK? Honesty always plays a huge role in my relationships so I’d feel betrayed regardless. But we’re all human so everybody should at least get 1 shot @ redemption.
@ blaze:
accept being lower on the depth chart? Hilarious!
Not saying that she wouldn’t have to work to earn trust back, but do you really see any person – male or female – going for that?
I don’t like the whole “clear your conscious” reason for telling you partner that you cheated. In my own opinion, if my boyfriend cheated on it and he only did it once and didn’t ever plan on doing it again I wouldn’t want him to tell me. I’m not sure what benefit there is to telling your partner if you’re only going to do it once. If you’re doing it to only clear your conscious then save it. By doing that you’re only making me mistrust you and making me feel bad about things in an effort to make yourself feel better. I think its a continued act of selfishness on the cheater’s behalf. Unless you’re telling me because you think I need to get tested or the chick is pregnant or something like that then I wouldn’t even want to know. But if you did tell me, I’m sure that relationship would be a done deal.
J Thought
I’m dead serious….she would be stripped of the exclusivity tag and lose the #1 slot…rather she chooses to put in the work to regain that status or move on is up to her…Its all about making her work to appreciate what she has/had…..just sayin’. Too many women out here lookin for a good dude and willing to be faithful…we have options
@ blaze:
Yes, we all know how many options dudes have… I was just how hard it would be for a person to actually do that. I mean, in addition to all the guilt and remorse (not to mention suspicion because you know the other person can and likely will bounce on you, and is already cutting someone else), would drive them insane and make them intolerable to be around. Even if they don’t cheat again, they will probably drive the other person away with all the emotional crap that will ensue.
J Thought
I agree but behind every bad action is a consequence. Plus if she’s not willing to put in the work to get back in good graces and rebuild the trust than there wasn’t any depth to the commitment in the first place.
@ Blaze
If she was your number one and there was exclusivity, why do you have a depth chart? Shouldn’t you have to take time to rebuild it?
Reina
Good morning Chica…
Good question…..At the time I wouldn’t have a depth chart if we were exclusive. But as a consequence of her cheating that would leave the #1 slot open and available to new applicants and candidates.
I always tell my homegirls to date mutlitiple men until one rises to the top and until one shows some depth to the situation. You dont have to sleep with all these cats. By dating multile guys it shows them they have to compete and it allows you to have a partial indifferent attitude.. preventing you from getting caught up with the wrong one.
*buzzer sound*
Aint no way homeboy is being let back in my life. I’ve cheated so I know the mindset behind it. Was I sorry? yeah, but I couldn’t even promise myself that I wouldn’t do it again, let alone promise the man I cheated ON that I wouldn’t. There is no coming back from it in my opinion. For some ppl, cheating works miracles – it points out problems, and weaknesses in your relationship and gives you a slap in the face to evaluate your union honestly and make necessary decisions instead of overlooking things.
But that works for SOME ppl…not Chelsea. Not ever. You cheat then I hope that chick has room for you at her house and in her heart cuz your azz is gettin the ol heave-ho!
That is all.
What’s good ppl?
Hey Chelsea! Good morning/afternoon to everyone (my Northern rudeness was showing its head).
@ blaze:
That multiple dating strategy is good, which is one that I am thinking of deploying. I usually don’t do that though, because my memory is bad. I get people confused and everything…
@ Blaze
Oh ok. I do agree with multiple dating. It’s not so much that I want him to compete; moreso, I just want to evaluate my options. Make sure I make the right pick. If we’re just dating, then he has no claim. We’re not exclusive until we both explicitly state it. If you haven’t heard such words leave my lips, then don’t call me yours.
As for the possibility of returning after infidelity, I’m not sure I have it in me to try it again. I’m adamant about respect with a low tolerance, and that just doesn’t bode well for 2nd chances.
Hola Everyone!
@J Thought
On the real you should try it. Once cats know off the top that you’re dating other guys they will either drop off or work harder to get that #1 slot. Same applies for us dating women.
Confused?..what do you need a database with field descripts to keep track of two or three guys? Ok pimp……
@ blaze:
A database would help! But then there’s the issue of evidence….
No, what I mean is that if I’m not emotionally invested – which will NOT happen until I become exclusive – then it’s hard for me to remember who I went to what restaurant with if we didn’t have a particularly memorable conversation. Or I forget who I saw what movie with (happened this summer). I can remember names and all that, but the mundane details escape me (I’m like that in other areas of my life, so it’s not just a dating thing).
Hey JAT…what’s good mama?
@ Chelsea:
Girl, my program director at school made me want to choke her out this morning. I’m glad I called instead of showing up there, because I may have caught a case….
Other than that, I’m chillin.
J Though
U might want to handle that ADD first then start dating…j/k…Happy New Yr.
Nah on the real start off slow with like 2 or 3…add and delete as you go.
For women you all can date as much you want because usually all your dates are sponsored (unless you date broke college dudes..sup Chelz)…We have to budget for top tier candidates only…
@Jat
yeah…my school dropped ALL my classes for the spring semester cuz of some financial aid mistake that THEY made….so I’m not in school for the WHOLE SEMESTER! Wtf? I was so mad!!!! They are DELAYING my graduation!
@Blaze
he and i broke up yesterday. I’m dating 3 guys right now. Two of them have the same name, one of them is a Lite Brite (shocker!) and one of them is actually probably Reina’s brother cuz he’s Black and Puerto Rican…I’m all outside the box on this one…
And they ALL have jobs…pretty good ones too! So I’m back in the game HEAVY! Happy New Year to me!
I would end the relationship without hesitation: how can I stay with someone who’s broken my trust? I have zero tolerance for cheating and I don’t think my SO admitting that he cheated makes it easier for me to forgive him than if I had caught him in the act: both scenarios are difficult to handle and they amount to the same thing. Confessing doesn’t make a cheater more noble.
@ chelsea:
Yeah, she basically pushed back my graduation too. I will either have to quit work in order to graduate, or switch to another department.
Morning! Morning!
Reiiiiiiiiina!! Hi Chica!!!
Everything would depend on the state of the relationship at the time, how long, blah blah blah but my first reaction would be to end the relationship.
Yes, i do think id be more inclined to forgiving if a confession is made.
Once she cheats, I’m out the door! I’ve tried that Ralph Tresvant “Sensitivity” role and it got me/us nowhere. I never looked at her the same. Anytime we were in the mix, in my head I was wondering if she did the same for the other dude. The betrayal never goes away. It may get swept under the carpet, but it’s still there. For me, there is no reason to cheat. Be open, be honest….at all times. If you want to see other people, say so. I think most don’t because they are afraid of the rejection; not thinking about the rejection they’ll get once the cheating comes to light. I think you’ll be surprised at how refreshing and freeing honesty can be. You’ll be even more surprised at how many will actually appreciate your honest and agree to be in “rotation”. Now the question is, you got someone willing to be in YOUR rotation. Can you handle being in THEIRS?! For more on my thoughts on cheating, you can check me out here: http://redlineryder.wordpress.com/2008/09/10/cheating/
@ chelsea:
stop jacking my style (the young dude is Black & PR).
And there is nothing wrong with Lite Brites! (I do, however, prefer that they are darker than me…)
Chelz
Sorry to hear about your beeak up but um….damn, you really rebuilt a team quickly….One day and you’re up to three? U had these cats on standby which made it easier for you to break up didn’t you?
@Everyone
In your own opinion/experiences do most men/women have a back up in place before they truly call off a relationship so they’re not stuck alone?
WHat up Red…
I agree, most men have a problem with being in a womans rotation but thats the first of many tests a woman will through at you.
Women are slick nowadays to try and cover their infedility acts…they may want to take a break or some time off from the relationship. During that break is when they hook up with their jumpoffs in waiting (Chelz).
Question @ Everyone:
So if they sleep with someone during a “break” from a relationship, is that considered cheating. Agree or not?
@Blaze
lamo@’rebuilt a team’
I wouldn’t say they were on standby, but they did approach me within the same week and that week was when (coincidently) I was already contemplating a break-up and emotionally moving on, so I guess it kinda just fell into place. So there!
@JAT
your swag? lol…plenty of mixed breeds in this part of Florida! He’s older than me tho…and Lite Brites are cool. I’ve known this one (distantly) since we were kids. He’s cool ppl and super sexy. I’m rooting for him, but they’re all good prospects. Whew…craziness!
@ blaze:
Heck yeah! Usually, the person who wants to end the relationship starts making those moves beforehand because they’ve already made up their mind, they just want reassurance that they have something better lined up.
I think extreme circumstances (violence, certified insanity, or unconscionable drama) would be the only thing for people to just up and leave without a viable alternative.
‘During that break is when they hook up with their jumpoffs in waiting (Chelz)’
How did my name get tossed in this? I ain’t have no ’2nd string jump-offs’! Me and him are OVER. No break…just break UP. I don’t believe in breaks..they just add confusion. Either we together or we not.
Hmph…
What’s done during the breakup is fair game and as far as I’m concerned can’t be brought up or mentioned when you two get back together…provided there are no extenuating circumstances like a baby or never-ending STD is involved! lol
Chelz-
Dont you need time in between to get emotionally over 6’4 before moving on? Was it that easy for you to move on that quickly? Dude is prolly distraught right now…singing Heartless and ish word for word…
@ Chelsea:
Swag is overused. Style is the temporary replacement until another can be found.
And, I know there are a lot of biracial people in FL, because I get accused of being one all the time (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it just annoys me that people in the south have NO concept of black people up North , who usually are lighter with “mixed” characteristics).
@ blaze:
Depends on the definition of break. I like to be clear, so if I’m really not feeling you, but I want to be generous, I’ll say that he is on boyfriend probabtion, and needs to step it up. I won’t sleep with anyone else, but I will accept numbers, etc. If he violates the terms of his probabtion, then I call it quits and move on to the next one. Other than that, I’m out, no explanations necessary.
And stop it with all the “women try to be slick with their acts of infidelity” like men don’t try to pull that crap too. I actually think y’all pull worse slick stuff, because some men would go to extraordinary lengths to cover up their misdeeds, including mindgames and emotional abuse. Men happen to be more sloppy with the other stuff, hence the mental and emotional terrorism.
@Blaze
I think he was losing interest too. I could feel a shift happen between us, so I doubt he is dedicating any songs to me right about now.
And I truly liked him, but the fact that we never slept together or really spent all that much quality time together makes this pretty darn easy. Hmmm…maybe I should employ this tactic all the time! **jots down in notebook**
Red
Should a break up and “time off” be considered the same thing? Shouldn’t the timeoff be defined with expectations?
Personally if a woman needs timeoff she can keep stepping…I can’t take her back after multiple jumpoffs….
@ blaze:
6’4″ couldn’t be that distraught seeing as he never made an effort to come see her. But I bet he will try to act up next time he sees her out. hate that male territorial stuff…
‘I can’t take her back after multiple jumpoffs….’
I agree!
@JAT
’6′4″ couldn’t be that distraught seeing as he never made an effort to come see her. But I bet he will try to act up next time he sees her out. hate that male territorial stuff…’
Exactly! He asked me yesterday if we would be better off as friends. I said ‘yeah whatever’…but I guarantee you he will be actin funny when he runs into me on South Beach…cuz he manages to make it there ALL the time, but can’t come see me….boy bye!
J Thought
Boyfriend probation? I can dig that…60 days to get that act right huh? Thats some funny shit. Only problem is cats, including myself, wouldn’t go for that…by the time those 60 days were up, we would have replaced you 10 fold. Try playing them games on these parts…Probation?…That’s like AI saying “Practice?”..
Wow @ Chelz being back on the prowl!
It truly depends for me, I’d most likely choose C at first, if I really cared about the person. Then, decide accordingly.
Oh! Wait wait wait…
Quick story…a dude that I tried to convince to go from FWB to Boyfriend with me right after my break up with the ex-fiance recently told me that I’m in his Top 3 Women he would have no problem marrying/reproducing/spending life with. Its me, his first love and his ‘Dream Girl’ Best (Female) Friend (I think he named me second…after First Love but before Dream Girl BFF)…should I be flattered or offended?
Blaze? And1? Moeski? Red? Input plz!
Hi Fabie!
I think I’d be seeing RED so I’d be unable to take all those dynamics into consideration. I don’t really have an open-minded temper.
@Nean
yes girl! I lose one and bounce back with three…
I’m truly feeling like dating is great…relationships are too much work, time, emotional investment and sacrifice…things I don’t have an abundance of right now.
Is that bad?
@Blaze, I think the only difference between the two is that there is an expectation of getting back together when you take a “time out”. but in either case, the two aren’t together. So you can only be so mad about what happens while you’re no together.
And call me heartless, but why must people confess they cheated? If you truly mean “It won’t happen again” then keep that shyt to yourself and just show and prove. I’ve cheated and kept it to MYSELFFFFFFFF! Didn’t feel guilty or the need to Runtelldat!
@Nean
*smh while secretly agreeing*
I’ve been conflicted bout tellin dude that I cheated, but really what good would it do? On the other hand, I would wanna know if HE cheated so I can leave his azz…I ain’t tryna look like a stupid love sick puppy while my BF is out doing the ‘Jody from Baby Boy’ to every chick in town! Eff that!
@Reina
You are a horrible faker! I don’t believe that you’re sleeping in that avi pic for ONE SECOND! With perfect eye make-up and a smile? No ma’am!
@ blaze:
Boyfriend probabtion is not playing games. It is the same thing as your making a cheater resign the #1 spot and working her way back into your good graces. The only difference in my scenario is we’re still together, we’ve admitted the relationship has issues (caused by you), and all I’m doing is taking applications. It’s much more humane than the “let me eff other people and see if I still want to be with you” that you proposed…
@ Janean:
I feel you on one point, people don’t need to know if it’s a one time thing and you are truly remorseful and won’t do it again. It is statistically proven that people who’ve had SO’s confess cheating don’t find it any easier to forgive jsut because they’ve confessed.
Chelz
“Its me, his first love and his ‘Dream Girl’ Best (Female) Friend (I think he named me second…after First Love but before Dream Girl BFF)…should I be flattered or offended?
Are seriously asking this question? Do you get a gold medal for second? DO you get the championship trophy as the runner up? Do you get CEO’s pay as a VP?
Nah, that ish aint flattering…do you like sloppy seconds?
@ Chelz
Hell no it’s not BAD! You’re young, you have you so much time to be boo’d up. Enjoy your life! Date, Date and more Date.
Sometimes I regret that I always had a bf, I never really had the experience of “Just dating whoever”. It’s fun, so enjoy.
@ Just and Chelz
Yes, I would want to know if my man as being a whore, banging random chicks while I’m at home making stuffed chicken and scalloped potatoes, but if it was just a one hitter quitter, please don’t tell me!
@Blaze
I’m asking because he truly felt he had stated something that would make me melt.
I’m asking you men of this forum if such a statement is honest and not meant to be utterly ridiculous. Kinda like that ‘dating pool’ thing you mentioned earlier…
‘stuffed chicken and scalloped potatoes’
dang girl…I hooked up the steak, corn on the cob, bake potato and garlic bread last night, but that ish sounds GOOD!
**makes grocery list**
LOL @ Nean
I aspire to be like you.
@ Redline
If we’re in “timeout,” I just don’t divulge what happened in the interim, who I entertained, who he entertained, etc. However, I do want to know if we need to get updated STD tests.
@ Chelsea
SHH! LOL How’d the convo with the ex-fiance go?
@Chelz
My bad, I read incorrectly..I though you said your ex fiance place you second…If its a new dude ranking you second off the rip then yeah you’re doing your thing and you should feel flattered.
@J Thought
Nah probation is not like the rankings chart. Like a job, when you’re placed on probation you still maintain the title and postion. Moving down on the depth chart is a demotion and you must work your way back up with no guarantee of ever regaining that #1 slot.
@Reina
He’s so UNINTERESTING! What was i thinking? This fool(who cheated with SEVERAL different women, btw and was taking care of SOMEONE ELSE’S BILLS AND CHILD) has the AUDACITY to
1. Deny (steadily) ever being involved with the psycho that harassed me for MONTHS after the break-up
2. Inviting me in a round-about way on a week-long Disney cruise with him and his daughter in the summer
3. And marry me if I’m not married by July of this year
**mouth hangs open**
And then he asked if he could continue to ‘check up on me’ since I’m ‘always on his mind’…
**utterly confuzzled**
@Blaze
The dude was one I FWB’d with AFTER me and the fiance broke up…I wanted to be with him and tried to switch the game up and make it official, but he wasn’t having it. Said he ‘wasn’t ready’…so I left him alone. But he has always said he could see himself married to me and happy. Then he dropped the whole Top 3 thing on me the other day…left me speechless (well I cursed him out and said ‘I’m NOBODY’S #2, bish ninja!’ and threatened to do bodily harm to him if he said it again) but I’ve been mulling it over a lot…what does that ish MEAN?
@ Chelsea
No need to be confused. If he is still lying about not cheating, he just spinning tales about the others. He did you a favor, girl. Now go after that Black-Rican. :D
Who actually tells people where they rank?
Chelz
#2 in this situation isn’t a bad thing..Let be real,there’s probably another lady out there who’s probably been putting in work and serving him properly over a longer period of time. You can’t be mad at that. Women who have longer longevity with me usually gets the first consideration if things are on the up and up.
@Reina
I was shocked. I was on the phone bored to death and trying my best to eat my bomb-ass baked chicken and rice while he yapping in my ear about BS. The whole time I was thinking ‘this man has ZERO personality and he’s also DELUSIONAL!’
Oh well…
And I have no idea what possessed him to make that Top 3 comment…I almost crashed my car when it escaped his lips…
@Blaze
no…all the love I had for him before that faded the hell away…I know he probably means well by that comment, but no sir. Top 3? Meaning that I’d have to snipe the chick in first place and tie the Bronze medalist up in a bank safe somewhere in order to win his heart?
No EFFIN way is that ish acceptable!
Reina
Thats def true….depth charts should never be publicized or discussed. How encouraging is it for someone to be 4th on the depth chart out of 4? I want ever woman to feel as if they have a good shot at #1
@ Chelsea/Nean
You know you women that can cook are really starting to irk my nerves. Messing up the curve and erthang!
Maybe I should start ranking my men.
LOL @ Blaze
Shut up child.
Reina
lol…On the real the rankings take a life of its on….the #1 or #2 usually get prime time….Friday and Sat nights, good morning text messages,etc. The others fill in the gaps.
So when I ask a young lady out and she asks me if a Tuesday is good then I know I got some work to do…I know I have some dudes ahead of me.
LOL Now I have to sleep with one eye open.
@ Blaze
LOL That is true. You can definitely determine your position in another’s life based on the time & date (length of time as well) they give you.
I think it does make a difference if my SO came to me and confessed. I think in a relationship (not marriage) it would make the difference between ending it immediately and thinking about it.
Hi all! I know it has been a minute!
Reina
Exactly…the process usually goes from morning cofee on a monday, to lunch on a Wed, to happy hour on a Friday…to DVD’s and Jiffy popcorn on a Sat night….Only problem this may be over 3-6 month long process if your games not tight.
I need Friday Happy Hour after work off the rip before I can take anyone seriously..
@Reina
the CURVE! lmao…sorry! I like to eat tho, and even though ordering out is cool, I like to get my gourmet on…
plus the Lite Brite loves it when I cook…hehehe
@Blaze
‘So when I ask a young lady out and she asks me if a Tuesday is good then I know I got some work to do…I know I have some dudes ahead of me.’
HA! So damn true…
@Blaze
what the hell is Jiffy popcorn?
Chelz
Its what Reina offers her dates when they come over to watch a DVD at the crib
@ Blaze
HA! I’ve established that dates do not make it to my crib, only the SO.
@ Chelsea
Jiffy Pop is stovetop popcorn. And no one will ever call my cooking ‘gourmet.’ I’ll be lucky if they call it food.
@blaze
what would coffee on a Saturday mean? that is my favorite date to suggest if I don’t know a person that well.
@Blaze
ohhh….
lmao@Reina
Hey eshe girl! Coffee on a Saturday? The fool should be LUCKY he gettin a Saturday, IMO.
@chelz
hey! maybe I just don’t trust people but, if I don’t know people, I like it to be sunlight before the date and after…no carrying me off under the shield of darkness. lol hence the saturday coffee date.
lmao@eshe!
Safety First!
@Blue
Yeah Saturday afternoon is prime time next to Fri and Sat night..Thats a tough time for me to give up.
I have done an all day date on a Sat and it worked out well..I had lunch, day activities lined up, then we ended the night with a live house party. Thats how you get treated when you walk on the scene as a #1 candidate
Hey everybody!
I say … e) ask them why?, what led them to it?, what they hope happens betweens us..then step back assess the situation and decide if one could forgive without holdin a grudge and if not let it be and we go our seperate ways.
And it doesn’t necessarily make it easier to forgive, it just something one would have to factor in when you think bout whether or not you should stay.
Hi Luving, Blue!
@ Blaze
Boo for you and #1 candidate.
@Blaze
ALL DAY DATE? WTF? oh no…ain’t NOBODY getting my whole damn Saturday! That’s forsaking getting my hair and nails done, shopping, sleeping in, cleaning, getting oil changed…all kinds of stuff.
And who GOES to party WITH a dude? ESPECIALLY if it’s live? Ugh…women
hey reina! :)
@Blaze
Did you get the Heisman after that all day play date thing? Cuz if she didn’t give it up, I would have never called her again. #1 prospect or not…that type of sacrifice deserves some soft of carnal satisfaction…
@Reina
Stop hating…not my fault your dates dont last any longer than 33 minutes with dude flashing you the deuces as you get out his car…j/k
@Chelz
Thats rare for me but don’t front… if that black-rican wanted to take you down to South Beach for an all day extravaganza you would do it…
@ blaze, very true on the rankings. Like Reina said, you can def figure out your placement by the calendar slots you earn.
@Chelsea – it’s popcorn you make on the stove, in its own little pan with the foil the bubbles up as the popcorn pops. Remember Scary Movie? She was cooking Jiffy Pop when she got that first phone call… LOL
@Blaze
Not the Black-rican…unless he threw in shopping.
But if the Lite Brite offered an all day thing…on a Sunday…I’d be all for it. Again if shopping was on the agenda for a Saturday, I’d have no objections.
I’d just fake a stomach virus after my bags were securely in hand and be taken home so I can plan my Saturday night club hopping/drinking activites.
@Chelsea – Lite Brite??? hahaha
@the poster formeraly known as Songbird
Oh…that stuff has a name? I know what that is. My mom told me about it…**shrugs** Glad the microwave was invented cuz my Orville Reddenbacher only takes 4 minutes…
@Chelsea LOL, yeah, had to change the name for consistency’s sake. I use that handle everywhere else. Ya know how it is…
@Sugarlips
Yes…Lite Brite…aka a light complexioned African American…
and technically the Black-Rican can be placed in the Lite Brite category too since he pretty much just ‘reads’ Black…I don’t think he even speaks Spanish…
actually he just confirmed that he does not speak any Spanish.
Lite Brite status he is!
@ Blue:
Hey girl! You are the ultimate lurker
@ Blaze:
See, it ninjas like you that make me roll my eyes. Saturday off rip? (cues Lil Jon) What! Everybody starts off with off-peak hours because I am just getting to know you.
Plus, aren’t you the one talking about not being too eager and ish like that? The years in ATL and DC-area have spoiled you rotten. Boy bye!
@ Reina:
A PR woman that can’t cook. Don’t tell anyone else that. But you are in NY area, so no one there cooks.
But really, most of the girls I know that have been married CAN’T cook. Ninjas say they want that ish, but wife up the pretty, prissy, ain’t seen the inside of a kitchen EVA, can’t boil water heffas that look good on their arms. And here I was thinking actually being able to cook would further my objectives. NOT!
@ Chelsea:
I stole your word ninja. At least I give you credit.
@ blaze:
And, my probation beats your ranking any day. Game, set, match.
**fans JAT cuz she just went to CHUUUCH!**
You’re welcome (for the vocab word)
And men are ALWAYS shocked and in disbelief when they find out I can cook. I’m from the South AND I’m from an Island…I know women under 40 don’t really cook anymore, but I pride myself on knowing my way round a kitchen.
But you’re right…I’m a trophy type chick WITH the domestic skills on lock…any guy who gets me is a WINNER!
@chelsea
lol, never heard that one before :)
Good for you with the cooking. I’m learning. Very slowly.
@reina
The key is to find a guy that can throw down in the kitchen. They do exist, trust me :)
Wow, I missed a lot since I decided to take a nap at work lol.
Reina,
I could give you a few cooking lesson’s IDK why I’m so domestic.
@ Chelz please note that the scalloped potatoes were not out the box, these sucka were HOME MADE!
We could make a soap opera out of Chelseas’ life, there’s so much going on I can’t keep up here.
@ J Thought
There you go..thats the J Thought I know..j/k. Again don’t hate because men have good options…it takes work for us to first approach, answer all those damn preliminary qualifying questions and then try to get prime time. We put in our work…j/k Im trying to put you up on good game. Why put cats through a probational period when you can just cut that cut and promote the #2 guy?
@Chelz
In regards to the results of that all day Sat affair…( fyi..no shopping over here) I dont kiss and tell but lets just say I shined up the Heisman that night but I didnt immediatley walk away with the trophy until the next outing.
@Nean
A show? lol…girl…if only you knew what really goes on in my life. It’s laughable really…
Send me the recipe for those chicken and potatoes too! I’m making it tonight…no games!
@JAT
Nah…actually not lurking too much either these days. The work game got switched on me at the end of 2008 so just working to get some stuff together.
@Blaze
don’t be playing word games with me,boy!
I’m gonna assume you smashed…but no shopping? Ya’ll men are STINGY!!!!
lmao@shined up the Heisman
I used that reference to the Lite Brite and he loved it! Now he thinks I’m a damn football guru, but that’s what espn.com and MSN Sports is for…FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT LADIES!!
So we need to take you all shopping during the first few dates? Again…where are you ranked? Is this exclusive? Lets keep all this in perspective….U know the deal…pimpin
@Blaze
I am not trying to get that far up there in rank, cuz then Relationship City is just around the damn bend and my GPS don’t even show that on the map…
But I’m just saying…any man who takes up my time MUST be contributing. Shopping is a contribution…to my wardrobe. Get with it!
@ Blaze
Dammit! Who told you that?
@ Mis Chicas
Nean, cooking lessons for Spanish? LOL I’ve yet to be deserted by a man because of my culinary inabilities, and the absence of cooking skills does not make one a trophy wife.
@ “sugarlips”
LOL I do know they exist. Almost every guy I’ve dated has been able to cook. You’d think I’d feel inadequate, but nah…not so much.
@ blaze:
See, there is that selective reading/interpreting. Like I said, if ol’ boy is slipping up, and I decide to be generous, then out comes the probabtion. And frankly, if I’m offering probation then the offense(s) wasn’t that horrible to begin with.
And you act like men put in soooo much work. What about the work that women put in? More importantly, what about the time? That’s the biggest investment. Maybe as a woman, I don’t want to have to repeat all the effort and time I put in w/ the #2 guy. I bring a lot to the table, and every dude I’ve dated has been upgraded after being with me. I;m supposed to do all that customization, and let another bish reap all the rewards? I think not. Foolery!
You know what? The more I talk to you dudes, the more I think I should go back to my eff-you ways. Being nice and stuff just is NOT the business, especially since apparently I so effing replaceable. Why bother putting in serious work when I can be replaced 10-fold?
@ Riena,
I know I’m mad late replying, been in a meeting. You’re right, divulging or even asking about activities during “timeout”, is CRAZY. That’s like asking someone how many people they slept with. No GOOD can come from their answer. And I don’t know about you, put I keep the STD tests up to date.
@All
We all, consciously or not, rank the people we are dating. Especially in the beginning, you are always comparing them to someone else from your past (or present, depending on how you roll). It’s human nature. Unless a chick did some FANTASTICAL feat that shot put her to the top of my mental list, I’d never tell her where she ranked. Besides, we should all be putting in work (in and out of bed) as if we were the low man on the totem pole, trying to get to the top…
@JAT
Amen…thats why I’m not bothering anymore…date them and replace them like they do us. Not quite man hating, but I’d rather have ish be light-hearted and enjoy it while it lasts, then be tryin to make anything long term…since apparently men RANK us all the damn time
*looking at Miss Chelsea w/a raised eyebrow* contribute?! WTF! If I may ask, what are YOU contributing? Or are you just a taker?
@ Redline
I agree with your thought about the ranking. Yes, we do, but it’s mental. I’ve never actually voiced it and put a number to it. Some people are just more important.
As for the STD test, you need not say “I don’t know about you, but I…” That’s understood. My point was if he sleeps with someone in the timeout, then I want a new test. I don’t want to know the details of what happened, blah, blah, but respect me enough to protect me.
^5 @ Reina!
@ Redline:
“we should all be putting in work (in and out of bed) as if we were the low man on the totem pole, trying to get to the top…”
Thank you! you get a hand clap.
@ Chelsea:
My problem is that I want long-term (I told y’all my mother put a hex on me to get me married off and popping out babies). I’m not saying I’m ready to jump the broom, but I do want someone consistent. Given today’s landscape, I’m not holding my breath. I am both amused and frustrated with the negroes these days that act like the sun shines out of their behind. Really? I mean, what do they have to offer besides some dack? And, truth be told, if that was all I wanted then I could easily access it with a person who would gladly provide. And no, grown ups should have their ish together, you don’t get bonus points for that. But the next busted ass dude that thinks I should bow in obesiance because he’s black and male has another think coming.
I got a question: If you cheat on someone and don’t feel guilty about it, what does that say about you? That you’re a heartless-bastard? Or maybe it’s clearly time for you to let the relationship go.
@ Chelz
I sent the recipe to your Facebook notes!
Reina, you should at least know how to make Arroz con Pollo!
@ Redline:
1. That you are a cold hearted MFer
2. You are waaayyy past not wanting to be with that person.
3. You feel entitled to it because of something they did
4. Any combination of the above 3
@ Janean:
Ya’ll are on facebook? and here I am making myself log into myspace when I am never on there. Booo to all of you!
JAT, that’s a pretty strong stance you take over there. Are you impying YOU never cheated?
@ Just
Sorry, I’m getting so sick of Myspace send me your email and I’ll give you my info!
@ Nean
I can. I just don’t like saying I can cook because I don’t want expecting magic to come out of my kitchen. Edible items are begat. Nothing that will ever make you slap your mama.
@ Redline
The time to let that relationship go is long past. Either you’re heartless and the other person deserves better OR you’ve stopped caring and you both deserve better.
‘man on the totem pole’ Wait, what??? What are yall talking about on here?
@EC
uh-oh…**points to Redline** FRESH MEAT!
@Redline
I contribute…any guy who (seriously) dates me is well taken care of. I do it all for my man. By contributing I mean if you’re gonna be spending 2-3 hrs on the phone with me daily, having me drive to your house, job, friend’s house, etc, commenting on when and how I get my hair done or the things I wear and you’re a ‘top ranker’ then you need to not be STINGY and give up some cash. Call it what you want, but that’s what it is.
I’m not asking for you to go half on my bills, and I don’t mind paying for dates every now and then and all that, but men always want a lot and never want to return it. Not happening with me.
And put ur damn eyebrow DOWN!
@ Redline:
I didn’t mean to imply that I’ve never cheated. The time that I did, the relationship had seriously deteriorated and I didn’t have the balls to just cut my losses. Have I ever felt unrepentant? Nope. Was there a time when my remorse was very small indeed? you betcha. But frankly, I’m loyal, so if I’m at the point of cheating, I’m at the point of breaking up for good (because once we’re done, you don’t exist).
lol @ Reina
“Slap yo mama”
No comment @ the contribute statement.
@JAT
To me, cheating is defined as you doing something with the opposite sex that you wouldn’t be doing if your significant other was sitting right there. so you’ve probably cheated more than you realize or want to admit to.
Hell, I’m cheating right now! lol
http://redlineryder.wordpress.com/2008/09/10/cheating/
@ Redline:
You’re assuming that I didn’t take that into consideration.
And, do you feel guilty? Are you baring your soul in a way that no one else has seen? Just wondering, lol
I’m baring my soul right here: http://redlineryder.wordpress.com/2008/09/10/cheating/
shameless self promotion. and contradictory evidence to your claim. You my dear, need to go sit in the corner. ;-P
Which claim would that be?
@J Thought
Men do put in all the work intially without even knowing if our efforts will be recipricated.All you have to do is look cute and hope that a man approaches. Again you make the decision to be with the guys that make you act like you dont effin care…so why keep playin the victim role?
@Chelz
@Blaze
what did you wanna say?
@Redline
its ok…be cheap. And lose your chick to a baller who don’t mind takin her shoppin er now and then!
hmph…
I would take you to TJ Maxx with a $50 limit…..
@Chelsea
You got me mistaken for some scrub you dated in a past lifetime. Don’t get it twisted, I do for/with my lady. But if any chick(en), steps to me with her hands out or expecting for me to “contribute” to some isht, she’ll get broken down to the smallest denominator and sent on her way. How crazy would you be loking at me if I stepped to you EXPECTING a 3some?!
Red-
Then they wonder why they get played weeks later and demoted back down to the 4 spot crying the victim role….
@ blaze:
Every point I make about men (black men in particular) or every grievance I air is NOT a plea of victimhood. Just how you make every effort to “state the facts” about how easily it is for men to replace women, I also state how [some] women may view certain situations. If I’m playing victim, then you are a charming whore undeserving of a good woman because you are more into maintaining your ability to replinish your roster tenfold.
I still luv you like a play step-cousin :-)
Or better yet, traded to another team.
@ redline:
That you are cheating right now by commenting here. You have a blog, which is open to your SO. So, liar liar pants on fire, unless you are mid coitus right now, in which case you can keep that to yourself.
@Blaze
if that’s all you could afford, I’d be happy…I’d break up with you the next week, but I’d be happy.
@Red
I don’t know you like that to confuse you with the numerous scrubs/lames I’ve dated in the past. But you SOUNDING real familiar, so maybe I have…hmmm….investigation time
Charming whore? Them sound like fightin’ words! lol
‘If I’m playing victim, then you are a charming whore undeserving of a good woman because you are more into maintaining your ability to replinish your roster tenfold.
I still luv you like a play step-cousin :-)’
Somebody PUH-LEEZE revive me after that one! rotflmao!
Jat girl…I bow at ur feet!
@Chels
Maybe we have crossed paths and you weren’t worthy of remembering…
@Red
so I’m supposed to let you blow my phone up and run all the gas out my car coming to see you, etc etc…and be happy cuz I get some oral loving and dinner on Saturdays?
Boy…PLEASE!
@Red
stinger…lmao…gosh…why do ALL the men on these posts insult me as soon as they step foot up in this bish? Do I REALLY get to ppl that much?
You better ask Blaze how that pans out, Honey Buns…
@ Redline:
Whoa, home skillet! Somebody is coming hard to be a newcomer (sharpens knives)…
@ Chelsea:
Girl, you are definitely from south florida. A dude can’t get a break? I could work wonders w/ $50 at TJ Maxx. But 99% of the guys I’ve dated were in college at the time, so I guess I’m used to that budget. I will break your bank at a restaurant tho. I’m a foodie, so you can count on at least a monthly trip to somewhere chic and expensive.
*looks frantically around for that bag of M&Ms*
@J Thought
OK cool..Im going let you have the last word since its Friday and I have sensed a softer change in you so I’m going to give you that…
@Chelz
Like Pac said…”I’ll be 10 miniute brother for a $2 ohhhhhhh”
On the real you could break up with me in a week but you would still count in the books…
@Chels
Blaze is a cool dude, but we are not the same. There will consequences and repercussions for tussling with me. ;-)
I’m so sincerious when I say, it aint that serious to me. get down how you get down. as long as it works for YOU, who am I to critique?
@JAT
I don’t do anything 1/2 azz. I’m jumping in head-first!
@Reina
Almond M&Ms, I hope!
@JAT
what does being from South Fl had to do with anything?
and don’t hurt Red with the knives, mama! We gonna need his input later! Don’t cut the ninja!
Red-
Dont get it twisted but me and Chelz done had our battles so she knows first hand…then it was J Thought…Reina.?…everyone comes to her defense (not that she needs it) so thats a no win battle..
@ blaze:
I’ll take that notch in the win column.
I also see the formula now:
single Chelsea: barrage of hostility
boo’ed up Chelsea: not so much.
So, since I was knighted the resident man hater (I don’t HATE men, I am just pro-woman), I guess that regardless of my romantic status that I will catch fire from all sides? Lemme strap my Kevlar a little tighter :-)
@Blaze
‘Dont get it twisted but me and Chelz done had our battles so she knows first hand…then it was J Thought…Reina.?…everyone comes to her defense (not that she needs it) so thats a no win battle..’
Preach, brutha!
Lol…I love all ya’ll though…wrong as hell and all
@ Red
Nah. Just plain.
Chelz
You only come holla at us when you’re not all bunned up. You were straigh MIA for a good two months and ish…posting all coupled pics ..bout time you’re back to your normal self…EC needed you in this peace
‘single Chelsea: barrage of hostility
boo’ed up Chelsea: not so much.’
I resent that!
Have any you visited this site?
http://www.yelp.com/topic/new-york-if-you-were-a-dj-for-a-night
@ Redline:
Good to have another voice here. The dudes here will undoubtedly try to assist, whether you need it or not. But we always win (lol, that was for you blaze, and Moe, Tubbs, and especially and1)
@ Chelsea:
Every girl I know from south FL has that attitude. It’s not jsut south FL, but when you get 100% population with the same outlook, you have to make some kind of conclusion.
and I said I was sharpening, but now I can put them away because he is not an infidel needed reeducation.
@ Reina:
I got a box of expensive truffles for Xmas/new Years, so I would break them out if I weren’t so busy typing.
@ chelsea:
I meant hostility directed towards you. My bad. had to post quickly and switch screens because my director walked in my office.
@All,
Thanx for having me.
I hear the bell ringing. Time to jump out the window and slide down the dinosaur.
*deuces
J Thought
lol….its not about winning or losing its about providing EC with an accurate understading of a mans perspective. I think we do that well. We’re here to help you. We gave you some insightful jewels today about building and managing your squad moving forward…like I said..take care of that ADD so you can remember and retain atleast the name of three men you date at one time..j/k
@Blaze
not true…I was BURIED in work..even now i’m sneaking to talk to you losers, so there’s me dedication!
@JAT
what? the date me/pay me attitude?
Really? I hadn’t noticed…
@ blaze:
Ha, alright. I’ll get my aderol prescription soon. Especially because the youngun is … he’s not acting up, but there are some areas for improvement. But, I told him repeatedly that I make a big deal out of my Bday, so if he doesn’t come correct, it’s buenas noches.
And we help you as well. You’re lucky we don’t charge for all the insight we provide. If nothing else, we give you excellent case studies…
J Thought
When is your b-day? I know its coming up soon
the 18th. Three day weekend. I have my backup plan almost set, so if homie doesn’t let me know it will be worth my while to stay in town, I’m hitting the road Friday night and not answering my phone…
OK cool..I’ll be sure to remember your special day..
Bout to bounce….I’ll holla at you on Mon. Have a good weekend and be safe.
Alright. Peace out everyone!
I know it’s late but I would feel better if he told me versus me catching him in the act. How many people would fess up to anything for that matter? It hard to get someone to tell me who ate the last slice of pie let alone they cheated. It takes somebody who is really really sorry to tell me what happened without my knowledge.
I’d have to go with option 3.
But, it also depends on the type of relationship you have with your significant other.
If the relationship is new, let’s say 2 months, it’s an immediate break-up.
But if the SO is, let’s say, a fiance or husband, it does require time to cool off and think things through before making a decision that you may regret for the rest of your life.
And for the question of the day – even though it hurts to hear that confession from your SO, it would hurt even more hearing it through the grapevine. So yeah, a confession is better.