I Slept With My Best Friend. Now What?
Dec 30th, 2008 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Features
Comments (29)
It’s morning, and the memories of last night haven’t come into focus quite yet. The ceiling is the first thing that I see as my eyes open, and it still appears to be the way that I left it—but something seems different …
I’m not alone.
Think Fly Guy… what happened last night?
Ok, let’s see. My closest female friend, Megan, was trying to keep her mind off another relationship gone awry. So being the great friend that I am, I stepped up to keep her mind off the pain. I mean, that is what friends do right?
So I cooked her dinner, popped in a movie (The Last Dragon), and made sure that I provided her an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. But somewhere along the line, things took a sharp left. I’m not sure if it was the drinks, or just the comforting feeling of having someone care in a sincere manner; but as she lay on my shoulder, she began to kiss my neck.
What the hell is she doing? (It feels good though.)
I know better than to respond to this, but I do. (Hey, I’m only human, and the weak side of my brain is leading the way.) Before I know it, I’m picking her up and carrying her to the bedroom.
So here I lay—with her beside me.
I wonder if she’s awake? I wonder if she’s embarrassed by what happened? But more importantly, I wonder if things are about to get weird between us?
I’m sure we aren’t the first friends to slip up and sleep together. And as lonely as this world can get at times, I’m pretty sure we won’t be the last. But while I ……… wait ………… I think she’s waking up.
(eyes closed.)
Listen … I’m about to pretend like I’m still asleep. I’ll keep you posted on how things work out; but while I’m dealing with this, I’d like to ask you the Fly Question of the Day.
Can a man and woman remain good platonic friends after romantically crossing the line? Let me know your thoughts.
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Nope, once u get it, its over in my eyes. I could never look at u as a non sexual friend again, especially if it was good:)
I did it…after a twenty year of belonging to the same support group, Instead of allowing myself to develope a strong friendship with my male friend whom I totally admired for who he is.
I was in the middle of a break up , and not quite sure what was going on with that yet..
I got lost along the way talking and having the attention of my ol’ pal new male friendship that i became so excited and lust full I slept with him…and it definitley changed things..
It really messed with me..for sure..Iam still not over it, and it has been six months..
He decided that maybe I was’t over the other guy …and that he needs to move on..
and that is semi true…yet I fell totally in love with this guy twenty years ago..
and I got so mixed up over all this ..
oh ya it complicated..
I looked at him with eyes of the flesh instead of eyes of friendship…with common sense..
Nope, once the line has been crossed there’s no way to go back. Even though you both may chalk it up to a one time thing, sooner or later someone is going to start developing feelings. Sex between platonic friends only causes more drama imo.
@FG you biting my steelo now ? lol I just posted this and asked this age old question the other day. I think somewhere along the line things will be tested in male/female friendships, God created Eve because Adam was lonely and he wanted an companion right? (FOOD FOR THOUGHT) So it is a little hard to not cross the lines with the opposite sex because thats just human nature. Besides people who have descent and content relationships and marriages start of as just friends. Not saying its not possible but it is a challenge not to go cross the lines because something attracted you to socialize with that person from the start in order for you to build a friendship.
@Lyricalluv,
I’m sorry, I didn’t see your comment. But I guess great minds think alike ;-)
@ FG:
I don’t think they can ever go back to the same level of friendship. You can still be friends, but there has to be additional boundaries because you’ve gone there with that person, so it will affect your friendship.
However, I don’t think I’m capable of jsut going back to being a friend. One, I’m selfish and don’t like to share. Two, I’ve never been in that predicament, but I don’t have casual sex, so it would be hard for me to write that off as just a one time thing and then keep it moving. Three, don’t friends make the best SOs? I dunno, I’m glad I’ve never faced this situation because all of my male friends are strictly platonic, and I am not in the least bit attracted to them. If I’m attracted to you, but not interested in dating you, you fall into the associate category. it sucks, but I’m real.
I do believe a man and a woman be platonic friends but after crossing the line…maybe. Some people will be able to do it and others won’t. You both have to decide what you really want out of the relationship-friendship or something more. It isn’t going to be easy, but I think you can be friends as long as the goal of both of you is the same, to be friends and nothing more. If one person wants to be friends and the other wants more, it is not going to work.
If it was a one time thing, an obvious mistake, I think the friendship will be alright. As long as one of you didn’t attach romantic feekings with sex.
I have been in that situation and I do think it is possible. We are still friends today but I think we are both cautious about not going down that path again. I must admit it changed things, we no longer hang out late and and drinking too much is definitely out but we are still very good friends. It ultimately depends on the people.
dang…its possible to be friends but I know that whenever i see someone I may have been casually involved with, no matter how much time has gone by, I still have the thought and image in the back of my mind and undoubtedly the topic is going to come up, some way and some how, of how the two of ya’ll were doing the horizontal polka back in the day.
Never fails! :)
Friends shouldn’t sleep with friends POINT BLANK. Some things are just irreversible once you open that box. Men and woman can be platonic friends if neither one is attracted to the other or you communicate by phone,text,IM, email, rather than up close and personal contact.I just heard on the radio this morning a lot people date their co-workers and some end up marrying each other. Something that can start off as casual and harmless, we can’t help who we are attracted too.
@ lyrical;
I think that if you are friends, then you shouldn’t be sleeping with each other. I do not agree that two friends of the opposite sex can’t make a joint decision to attempt to date if that’s what they want to do. If both parties understand the risk, and are willing to go in that direction, then I say let them do it. And, I’m not going to say that people who were friends and had an unplanned sexual encounter shouldn’t try to remain friends if they are both willing to develop some additional boundaries. Grownups need to make these decisions carefully, because sometimes one night can cost you a dear friendship, but life is all about taking risks so to each her own.
chelz,
you’re back! How was your xmas? (if you celebrate). Any plans for New Year’s?
“weak side of my brain is leading the way”….riiiiiiiiight.
Once you cross that line, I think it’s really hard to go back to just friends. Id think that it would be easier to run to the other person when things are going bad. Sleeping together would probably become a habit.
Hey Fab…
yeah I snuck back in here for a minute, to check on you guys (not much to check…everyone must be on vacation and jet-laggin or something) and to see if i can spot Blaze anywhere…(looks around)
Lurk City Cafe maybe? *shrugs*
Xmas was GOOD! Got lots of house warming gifts and the food was awesome and all that…boyfriend couldn’t be there tho (booooo)…you?
My view is the same as Debbie’s. My best friend and I took a break in our friendship to try out a sexual relationship. It didn’t work out, but we’re still as close, if not closer, than before. He was there for me when my last relationship ended last month, and I will admit that thoughts about how he may be the one I’m overlooking and the desire of just wanting more of his sincere caring for me did urge me in a non-platonic way. Our friendship is stronger than that, though, and I need him in my life until it ends. He wants the same so we’ve mutually agreed to keep it non-sexual.
My answer’s yes if the two are open, honest, & respectful about it.
I think you can be friends afterwards, as long as both people honestly and truly want to be friends… I know in my situtation, a few years ago my best female friend and I slept together & after being just friends for a while, we decided to be together – Now we’re getting married lol… But, the friendship could have continuted if thats what we wanted… We’re all adults, everyday we have to make choices as to what we will and won’t do, that includes whether we can be friends or not after the hump is done…
Nope. It happened to me and now he keeps saying suggestive ish and sometimes I even feel like ending the friendship. But I’ve known him since the 6th grade… how do you let a friend like that go? Ugh… who knows…
Now that he knows what I look like nekkid, everything is different.
Sorry I didn’t have a more optomistic comment!!
I think adults can do whatever it is they put their minds to. If the two involved come to a mutual agreement to step back ova the line and act accordingly I think it can be done. Or maybe I’m the only one that has done so successfully :: shrugs ::
FG, this happened to you?! OMG! Well, the one thing I can truly say is that once sex comes into play between platonic friends, things can and likely become weird for a cool minute. But if this is something that at some point become more than a platonic frienship, I say set sail and let nature take its course my brotha! Just make sure you and this friend have a REALLY good talk about it, and figure out where things go from this point on between the two of you. Communication is key. Let it marinate.
Well, Well, Well. This one is a dosie, lol. The thing is with all things considered, you have to have a certain level of maturity to deal with this situation. Let’s face it we are human and our emotions at times can’t be controlled, especially when altering factors are involved, such as alcohol. Lot’s of questions arise like, was it good? How deep is your friendship? Where are you both going in life? Was it bad? Have you had these thoughts before? You both are going to have to communicate about what happened and start throwing ideas out there as to what to do. This is a major emotional line that has been crossed and it is irreversible. As many have said you should try to avoid situations that could put you in this predicament. I have slept with a female friend of mine before, for the first few months we had a strained friendship, because we would avoid each other like the plague. Now that we’ve talked about things and we are doing pretty good as friends, not as close as we use to be, but close enough to count! Friendship doesn’t have to end because of something like this, if anything that person can be a valuable resource in helping you with your future relationships!
oh, ye of little faith. Anything’s possible.
Of course you can remain good friends! If neither the woman or man are needy or undesirable to others it’ll be a breeze. You just get up and move around, address it in a playful manner and keep right on with your friendship as normal. In time, it’ll be a distant memory.
I fully understand your problem because im going through the same thing i don’t have the awnser yet but if you’ve found out I’d love to know im to afraid to talk to my best friend now other than just small talk
I dunno about a guys perspective, but here’s my side of the story:
One of my brothers friends from high school saw me at my his housewarming party and went out of his way to ask me to dinner. I accepted. We ended up dating for a couple of months and well, things got weird. We were sleeping together and the sex was awkward, so we decided to remain friends. It bothered him that I was his friends little sister. Apparently that’s a no-no. That was a year ago. We have become very close friends, closer then him and my brother even. Earlier this year, it picked up again, but the sex is amazing. We both knew it needed to stop. Neither of us wanted a relationship. I’ve fallen in love with him and but he doesn’t feel the same. What bothers me is that I feel like I’m in a relationship but he doesn’t see it as such. The only way for us to be friends again is if we stop. There has to be ground rules, self-control and respect. Without this bye-bye friendship…
okay well i slept with my bestfriend last week and it was amazing but now our friendship is different and i think i may be in love with him. ive always liked him and we were always flirty but i never thought we would sleep together. i dont know what to do now. should i talk to him?
wow looking at the comments im stuck i have been friends with my besty now for 11 years. He told me when i was in a relationship that he has been in love with me since the day we met and can remember what i had on and my first words to him rings evey morning in his head before he wakes. i never looked at him like that i mean he is the man i have spilled my guts to and he saved my life twice, He has been in my life longer then my father has lol…. i love him as a friend and i didnt want to ruin our friendship. we know everything about each other. a few years ago we kissed and it was breathe taking i mean my boi can kiss and lowkey a few years ago he attended my lil sis party and talk about a love triangle she is in love with him…lol.. anyway i was drunk he drove my car to his place and he gave me 0r$% and that was great but we didnt take it any further and we are still friends till the end. we havnt changed and we still chop it up and email nothing is weird so i think the opposite sex can be friends will they have sex yes unless someone is gay…lol but i mean even still it can happen. its just about how you feel about the person when you met your friend thats how i see it.
This recently happened to me: A friend and I (not the closest friend, mind you), whom I’ve known mutually for about four-and-a-half years, recently took a little sexual adventure together. I have always found myself physically attracted to him (he’s not the best human being, as he is very narcissistic and self-centered); to me he was always one of those “untouchables”, someone who I’d only ever fantasize about, because as I saw it, he’d never be attracted to me. Well, he told me he was attracted to me at a party at his house, where we had all been drinking a little. He began coming on to me strongly, and I returned my affections of old. I’d never want to be in a relationship with him, and I told him so. I also told him this is to only be between us. We continued and sexually pleased each other, though did not go all the way because I felt awkward, with all our other friends downstairs. Since then, he has bragged to our friends about what we did, and I confronted him about it. I told him we need to discuss boundaries, our affections, and what have you, yet he, being the grade “A” citizen he is, is making excuses to put off meeting with me. I’m not entirely worried about the friendship, because I know that can be saved; however, I am worried about my own mental well being for putting myself on the line like I did, and him not respecting me back. Word of advice, know the person who you want to have sex with well enough to trust them. Sometimes life is more about your well being, rather than the life of a friendship.
Hi Fly! Thank you for this article… I’m sortof in a…complicated situation atm. Can I ask you something, though? Is there really no such thing as a “friend zone” for guys..? Oh, wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Okay, let me start off by explaining the whole situation.
“Paul” & I met a little over 2 years ago at this school for a one year diploma course.
He & I became good friends at this school, we would go out to parties, smoke out, get smashed, etc etc, all the friend stuff, yknow?
So like I said, I’ve known him for about 2yrs. And we’ve always been joke-flirting with each other for most of the time, you know what I mean? When two people are so comfortable with each other that you pass faux come-ons & teases to the other sex? I do it all the time and people always know I am just kidding around.
(I really don’t know about guys but for me, I can totally fake tease & joke flirt with my really good guy friends and totally mean nothing of it)
Anyway, after that one year diploma course we both sortof went in different directions.
I was seeing a guy & was in a relationship for about a year. “Paul” & I still kept in touch ever now & then all throughout though. The flirt texts & teases & jokes were still there.
We would sometimes bump in to each other at reunions/parties, etc etc. and it’s as if nothing’s changed between us.
NOW though, this is where it got confusing for me…
I broke it off with the guy I was seeing for over a year & “Paul” knew about it, & basically everyone in my circle of friends knew how f*d up I was about the whole thing & whatev..but eventually I got over it & started dating again.
Now, it’s nothing new for “Paul” to be texting me, asking if I was going out that night or what I was up to or if I was down to hang out or whatever, but recently I noticed his texts were becoming more persistent.
And one day, he asked me something very very out of the ordinary (from our 2-year friendship), he asked me out to go shopping with him, and maybe afterwards hangout. He said he needed to get new clothes. I was like, “Oh kayy…” and just laughed about it. But deep inside I sortof felt something was up… I mean, I’ve never really went out ‘shopping’ with other guys or any of my guy friends (neither has any of those guy friends asked me for such a thing-Lol), UNLESS they’re my boyfriend or my relative. AND, this “Paul” & I would always hangout at clubs/bars/pubs/parties or with other friends in our group. But this time, he just wanted me out with him.
(This is the point where I began to ask myself–wait, is “Paul” in to me or on to something?)
Anyway, I thought nothing of it, said yes & thought ‘well, hey, maybe he just really needs someone to help him shop!’
So I meet up with the guy and we go about ‘shopping’.
Of course, it felt weird to be in a mall with him during the day (& not out at night in some bar w/ lots of alcohol & friends). But I tried to keep my cool anyways & acted as how I’ve always acted around him.
Most of the people (sales reps, the other people in the store) would ask if we were together or if he was my boyfriend, I woud laugh & tell them ‘No, he’s just a real good friend of mine.’
I did notice though he was acting different. Like, he was nervous or something. I noticed he didn’t have as much to say. Not as flirty. Not teasing too much. Just–different. He would jumble up words, act awkwardly–different! Anyway, I tried not to think anything of it anyhow.
After shopping we decided to go & grab a few drinks.
After we downed a couple bottles that’s when I saw the old “Paul” resurface again. He was more talkative now & more relaxed.
And, of course, topic about my ‘ex’ couldn’t be avoided. I was telling him about this & that & about my depression & whatever & what I’ve been doing to get over it & deal with the whole situation blah blah blah.
I would always tell “Paul” anything and wouldn’t give a damn about it (as I usually do with my guy friends),
but this time, he was like, dropping lines like, “You know what you need? You need a rebound. Hey, I’m here!” & usually I’d just laugh this stuff off, but somehow, I really felt he somehow meant it, you know what I mean? Which concerned me. He said everyone has needs, you know. Physical, sexual. He said he totally understood that.
In my head I was already thinking, ‘oh man, Paul really is up to something’ But at this point I was really confused as he was just totally a ‘Friend’ in my eyes (& i’ve been reading up on articles about how there is no such thing as a “friend zone” in the men’s world).
Oh, also, while we were shopping, he told me that he was going to leave for another state on the other side of the coast for a gig or something. That’s why he needed all the new clothes. And he’s going to be there for about half a year. And he’s leaving in about a week’s time.
So after the beer we decided to go smoke out at his place (I have flatmates so we couldn’t really hangout & make too much noise at my place).
We had more drinks at his place & I even brought a DVD as I planned to watch a couple movies (y’know, just hangout).
But what happened was (& I’m not gonna lie nor be naive and pretend like I didn’t see it coming), we did end up sleeping with each other.
I dont know, blame it on the booze, the smokes, my state of mind (coming from a breakup & all) & the fact that I haven’t had sex in a while…but yeah, we did it.
And I TOTALLY totally regretted it the day after.
I mean, it’s not like I hadn’t considered it. From the point where he was dropping hints while drinking the beers, telling me to rebound with him, telling me that he wanted to enjoy his last days in the city as much as he can while he still can, etc etc, I was already considering ‘Am I going to sleep with him or not?’
I really didn’t want to. I LOVED what we had! The friendship that we had. And I knew sleeping with him would change things…and it did.
Anyway, after HOURS of sex, we finally gave it a rest and turned in for the night. But I couldn’t really sleep.
I was totally expecting it to be like a one-night-stand kind of setup, a wham-bam-thank-you-maam kind of thing. But no, afterwards, we cuddled and hugged each other. Every now & then we’d make out.
& I wouldn’t deny the fact that I felt a little something in his kisses, like, I don’t know, a ‘spark’ perhaps..?
And at this point I was totally off my buzz & I was already thinking ‘what the hell am I doing’
Anyway, I was lying in bed & everything, my eyes closed, facing the other way.
And he would come up behind me and spoon-hug me, put his arms around me, put his head on mine, and when our hands touched, our fingers would intertwine. And, for me, it would feel too weird so I would pull my hand away and pretended to be just adjusting my position.
I noticed the light coming in from the window & I knew I had to get out of there before the sun really came up & the reality of the whole situation would dawn itself on me/us (no pun intended).
So when he got up & out of the room I quickly washed up & got dressed.
I was about to leave when I met him at his bedroom door as he was about to go in.
I told him I really had to go as I didn’t want to go out with the sun at full blast.
He told me I could stay longer if I wanted to.
I told him I really wanted to go.
He walked me to the gate and I kissed him for a bit in the doorway.
I could NOT look in to his eyes.
I told him to have a safe trip, then left.
Later that night he sent a text message, asking me if I wanted to come over.
I made up some excuse to not go (I couldn’t go out) and told him we should hangout the next day instead. He said that was cool.
I knew he probably wanted more sex (well, at least, that’s what I’m thinking’s going to end up happening if I went back there).
So now, I ask, whatthehell is going on here. I told one guy friend of mine (someone who I really really trust and is like a brother to me) and he said I shouldn’t let this thing get to my head & that I shouldn’t feel bad about it & whatever.
But now, as the days go on & I analyze the whole situation more, I get more & more confused.
Confused I guess because I don’t know what to make of his actions.
I’m his friend. We were good friends. I liked it that way. But it felt to me like in a SNAP he turned in to a fuckbuddy =( which is what I don’t/didn’t want.
I guess, ultimately, I just want to know:
Does he have feelings for me?
Did he really just wanted to fuck me? Want me as a fuckbuddy instead of a friend?
Did he want to fuck me because I just became single/available again?
Did he want to fuck me because he was leaving for another state soon?
Why, of all people, did he want to sleep with me, his friend? When he can probably sleep with any girl he points his finger at (Yes. He is EXTREMELY attractive. But he is just not my type, you know what I mean? But he was totally the heartthrob at school. & maybe the fact that I wasn’t one of those girls who would cream their panties in his presence is what made him go after me..? Because I was just who I was around him & not some glass-eyed girl who wanted him as her boyfriend. I don’t know…just thinking)
But now, I am considering the possibility of ‘something going on there’, you know what I mean?
But I don’t want to start & think about these things without knowing whether or not he just wants me as a fuckbuddy…or something more.
And I really am hoping more for the latter than the former.
Anyway FlyGuy this is turning in to a freakn novel now. I really hope you could help me out…
Your input/insight on the whole situation would really help me on what moves I’m going to make in the future.
Again, thanks FlyGuy!!
I think it can work out if both parties leave the encounter totally disinterested and unscratched. Sometimes the bond can be even stronger because afterward, the whole “What if?” question that may pop up every now and then disappears.
Problem is, that rarely happens. Unrequited love sagas develop, people get mistreated (The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that a good male friend does NOT directly translate into a good boyfriend.), etc. But cry not over a lost friend you slept with: it’s very likely that the friendship was built on the foundation of one party being attracted to the other, which means you really didn’t have a genuinely friendly friendship to begin with. So, therefore, it was just the inevitable fate of things. No worries.