It Rains In My Life Without Her
Nov 18th, 2008 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Lyrics
Comments (904)
“I don’t want to talk about,” he said. “She’s not here anymore, and there’s nothing left to discuss.”
As he trudged out of the room, the loneliness that was painfully clouding his heart left this sense of uneasiness within the room. What did this woman do to him? And could the absence of someone really bring forth such darkness over someone who was once so full of life?
Apparently so.
What I’ve learned is this: There’s a common misconception which suggest that women are the only ones who hurt when a relationship goes south. But whether we outwardly express our feelings, or stoically endure the weight of the moment, men go through the same feelings of anguish and disappointment that women experience after losing a love. There’s really no difference.
Today, I’d like you to listen to Jamie Foxx as he describes his own painful experiences that were brought about by the loss of love.
Click below to listen to Jamie Foxx’s “Rain Man”
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I don’t think men love as often, nor do they open up as easily after they’ve been hurt.
Do I have sympathy? Mmmm, maybe. But I don’t love them bro’s.
And I can’t stand Jamie Foxx as a singer, so I refuse to even listen to anything he puts forth. Loved the “I ain’t saying she’s a crackhead, just crackish…” Comedy.
Men do experience the same emotions that women experience when their hearts have been broken. I internalize everything until I’m ready to discuss it with someone else. While I’m dealing with it internally, I don’t want anyone’s advice or opinions. I already know what other people are going to tell me, so it really doesn’t serve any real purpose while I’m trying to get over the pain. I’ll give the impression on the outside that I’m unphased by the loss….while in reality…I’m dying a slow death on the inside.
morning all! :)
I have always thought men are more emotional than women. Some just don’t show it as easy as other’s.
And I love Jamie’s voice, nice song..
Morning everybody!!
Sorry, FG, I’m not feeling NADA, no sympathy for the guys. Their way of dealing with ish is to f*** everybody around…nope, dont want it!
What’s up Peeps?
“Their way of dealing with ish is to f*** everybody around”
The generalizations are starting early.
Blah, Moe…it’s payroll day here so it’s gonna be a long day.
Wassup with you? Cold enough for you? lol
Moe,
oh stop it, dont act like you havent done that! Either that or taking everything on the next chica.
What’s up Fab? I’m good…as long as I don’t have to go outside. lol This really isn’t that cold.
I hate the “emotionless-ness”, my friend calls these dudes “I-Robots”… What’s the big deal? If you’re hurt, you’re hurt.. It doesn’t “hurt” to show it sometimes… JEEZ!
lmao@EC
Hi people!
First, I love this song and Jamie Foxx’s voice. Great song, man.
I do agree that men do experience heartache. They just deal with it worse. They won’t admit to it,and instead will make every succesive woman pay for what that woman did. Or they’ll shut down and not look you in the eye or their ego at being hurt will make them lash out angrily. I’ve been responsible for hurting an ex, and his reaction to it kept me in the relationship for a few more months.
However, I do disagree that a woman’s and a man’s hurts are the same.
@Fab
I can’t say that I have. The one time I planned to do that…the next chic had me so p*ssy whipped that I didn’t have a chance to take my anger out on her. LOL
chelz,
;)
Reina,
Hola Senorita!
Moe,
LOL I guess that’s the other option…hmpf
@Reina
How can a woman say that men don’t experience pain in the same way as a woman, or that the level of pain experienced by a woman is deeper than a man’s if you’ve never been a man? I internalize everything, so most people don’t know what I’m going through. But I have some male friends who feel the need to talk about what they’re going to through. And their reaction to pain is no different from what my female friends express during the same type of conversations. The females were more likely to start crying…but that’s it.
@Moeski
yeah…lol. that’ll do it, huh?
@Chelz
I was about to be on so BS for real…but that chic shut it down before I could get out the gate. I went from singing that old Dr. Dre “Chronic” joint..”B*tches Ain’t Sh*t” to R. Kelly’s..”My Body’s Callin For You”
@ Moe:
Good morning. I do want credit for not saying that men don’t feel pain, or for generalizing that their pain is not as deep as a woman’s. Trust, that has taken a lot of growth.
For me, I’ve seen guys hurt, and was one time responsible for causing that hurt. You’re right that men don’t react the same way that women do. While women are more likely to start crying, I’m trying to get rid of that emotional response. For one, crying is for ussies, and for two, red girls can’t cry pretty. I wish I was one of those people that would jump and shout when I catch the holy spirit, instead of melting into a red nosed blubbering rudolph.
Good morning EC! Or, for those who don’t know, all the lovely ladies up in here!
@JAT
I’ll give you credit. That’s why I called out Fab specifically. lol It’s okay to cry…just make sure no one else is around. LOL
‘…red girls can’t cry pretty. I wish I was one of those people that would jump and shout when I catch the holy spirit, instead of melting into a red nosed blubbering rudolph.’
**dead**
GIRL YOU HYSTERICAL!
@Moeski-nator
I was going thru a bad breakup a while back and I called one of my older guy friends to kind of occupy my mind one afternoon…he asked me about the break-up and I started to talk and eventually started crying about how lonely and regretful I was feeling.
He made me feel like such a *ussy for crying that I couldn’t do anything but cry more! Who INSULTS someone for crying? I mean he looked at me with disgust and things got really uncomfortable after that. Just popped in my mind with that statement you made…from that point on, I keep all my blubbering behind closed doors…
Moe,
What? I touched upon how they express their whatever emotions they’re feeling, not how deeply they feel or lack of feelings
I’m expecting a written apology, thanks
@ Just
“red girls can’t cry pretty” *raises hand* yepper, that would be me…not a pretty sight at all lol
@Fab/JAT
For the record, I dont think I’m a very attractive crier either and I’m dark-skinned…so now I live my life by that famous quote by the greatest (ahem) actress to ever live, Miss LisaRaye ‘Diamond’ McCoy (and I quote)…”I’m not gon cry…i’m not! I spent too much time on this damn makeup!”
A theatric genius if there ever was one.
@Fab
You still generalized. Not every man takes his pain and anger out on other women.
chelz
LMAO…greatest actress ever? mmmk
Who is an attrative crier? I dont think such a person exists.
@JAT
you are right. lol
I think they do hurt the same but they show it in different ways. I have 4 brothers so, I have seen it. When it is that “special” female it is hard for them. I rememeber one of my brothers listening to mad old school music (he has always listened to it) but it was so depressing. This is the brother that gets ALL the females and you would think he would be fine (or so I thought) he was a mess. He eventually accepted the breakup and moved on, but they got back together and are doing great going on 7 yrs.
@Fab
It was ALL sarcasm honey…LisaRaye is entertaining and she’s really really pretty, but I was just being facetious…
Moe,
I stand by my generalization!
@Chelz
I wouldn’t clown someone for crying in front of me. That’s just wrong. I bet if you put that same dude you mentioned in the same situation you were in…and put him in a dark room by himself..he would have a Michael Baisden moment…a la “Men Cry in the Dark” lol
@Fab
Well stand in a corner by yourself! lol
Attractive crier…my girl beyonce lol.
Are we talking tears droppin on the face or gut wrenching, screaming tears? lmao
nisha,
Hey BFF!! you have 4 brothers? wow. Do you care to share? I dont have any *sad face*
chelz,
lol I know what you meant. What was the last movie she was in? I need to catch up on celebrity gossip. Havent heard anything about her divorce in a while
@Moeski
yeah…that was really mean of him, but I forgave him cuz he’s great at oral sex and he’s a certified foot worshipper…and he had NO problems with the tears of joy I was dropping due to his workmanship so, yeah….
was that too much? lmao….
@Chelz
That was wayyyy too much. LOL
@Fab
you want my brothers? you can HAVE them losers…
anywho, last movie she was in? Was it that ‘Gang of Roses’ crap that be on BET every week? And her divorce? Tragic…but why am I not surprised tho?
@ nisha:
It does not matter for me. If I get married, I’m using the eye drops that dry up your tear ducts so that I don’t cry because I’ll be durned if I ruin my pictures.
@ fabie:
I have three brothers, and two of them you can adopt into your family because they work my nerves something fierce.
@ Moe:
I don’t know if a dude ever cried tears over me. In the end it doesn’t really matter much. And Michael Baisden’s books such. They are poorly written, his women are one dimensional, and he has grammatical errors in them. He’s not as bad as Omar Tyree, but that’s not saying much.
@ Moe
“How can a woman say that men don’t experience pain in the same way as a woman, or that the level of pain experienced by a woman is deeper than a man’s if you’ve never been a man?”
The first is true and I stand by it. The second is an assumption of yours. When did I say who I believe experiences pain deeper? It’s too early for projections, and I never claimed to have been a man. Is it impossible to have an accurate opinion of the opposite sex when one has never been? I’ve felt love’s pain and caused it. Yet yesterday you told me that you’ve never felt it. Doesn’t that invalidate your opinion? Or is it just the mere fact that you have Y chromosome meaning you’re an expert on how men cope when you never have?
@fab
BFF what’s up mamas?! lol usually I would say no because I adore my brothers (even though they get on my nerves at times) but for my sista from anotha mista yeaaaaah lol. Girl yes 4 brothers 35, 29, 27, and 15. I have a sister who just turned 18. we are a pretty big bunch lol.
@Moeski-nator
Sorry…lol. My fault…
@JAT
I’ve never read one of his books, so I’ll take your word for it. He lost me with the title alone.
chelz,
lol just a tad bit. By feet worshipper, you mean toe sucker?
Moe,
Meet your twin ;)
@Nisha
your parents were on a mission huh? lol…hehehe
@Fab
I really should have said lower extremities worshipper…I never knew my legs were so sensitive until he showed me the way and brought me into the light. Which is why it didnt take me long to overlook his crying comment (and many other off color ass comments he tends to make)
And the Moeski-nator sucks toes? WHAT?!?! Dimples, toe-sucker, part Caucasian, dirty old man and former military? Can my psyche stand any more surprising information about our resident grandpa up in this b*tch today?
@Reina
“The second is an assumption of yours. When did I say who I believe experiences pain deeper?”
- You’re right…I stand corrected.
My statement yesterday was that I’ve never been crushed by love in the way you described in your earlier post. I never said I’ve never been hurt. So no, that does not invalidate my opinion.
@JAT
Yeah I dont want to have a breakdown when I get married, I know I will cry. My cousin got married in june and his wife began to cry as soon as the doors opened up for her. not a gut wrenching cry but it was pretty, made me cry lol.
@Fab
I never said I was a toe sucker…you made that assumption. ;-)
@ Chelz:
I used to make dudes suck my toes. It was a power move more than anything, because most guys say that they don’t do it. So of course I had to show them how wrong they were.
@ Reina/Moe:
Reina, you certainly raised a good point. I’d like to see him counter.
@Moe
yet you haven’t denied it! TOE-SUCKER!
And maybe it’s just me, but I could go for a good foot/leg worship session over some general head on most days…not all…but most.
Am I way off?
@Chelz
Shush
@JAT
a man will do anything you tell him to do if you’re naked. Just like these stupid dudes be hittin me with that ‘i don’t give head’ crap…
Boy get on your knees and shut up! But yeah…almost every guy I’ve ever been intimate with has been more than willing to do both of those and more if I asked…most times I aint even gotta put a request in!
@ Moe
I don’t think your opinion is invalid at all. Just reacting to your implication that mine was b/c I wasn’t a man.
@chelz
my mom and dad have 3 kids together. Me, my sis, and the 15yr old.
WHen they got together he had 2 (35 yr old and 29yr old), she had the 27 yr old. We always lived together so I dont consider them halfsies or anything. I grew up with them. We are all very close.
@ Just/Nisha
I will be getting botox on that day so i dont show any emotion esp crying. I turn into a red, blotted mess.
@ nisha
you would do that for me? awww Thats a lot of family you got there. I bet its lively when yall get together.
@ chelz
well, he sounds mighty interesting…as long as he doesnt start babbling lol
@ And1
stop lurking and comment already!
@ Chelz:
You are only in your preference. I rank mine as follows: 1. Cuddling 2. Massage 3. Cunnilingus 4. Congress
@Moe
its not a bad thing if you do it…I’m telling you, that stuff will put your woman over the edge in no time!
And its just so damn sexy…
And if you’re foot worshipping and stimulating the Heisman at the same time…you’re gonna be hearing Snoop’s voice in the background before you know it…
‘Sexual Eruption’ aint no joke!
#56 You are alone. My boss stepped in my office so I had to hurry
@Reina
I didn’t really think your opinion was invalid. In the end…we’re all just stating our personal beliefs. I don’t know if we hurt the same or not…I just know the sh*t hurts.
@Fab
if he would worship more and talk less, I’d call him more often, but men never know when to just shut up, so whatever
@JAT
1.Congess 2.Cunnilingus/Foot Worship 3.Massage 4.showering
yeah man…..
Hello everyone!
I think that when a man truly falls in love…he falls and I can def. understand him hurting. I don’t think women have a monopoly on this type of hurt.
@Chelz
I learned that lesson by accident. Sometimes you can get woman to do things she wouldn’t normally do if you shut up and let her decide for herself..and not try to convince her.
@ Moe
I would prefer a man show his emotions to me. I know you guys say that we expect you to be mind-readers, but you also don’t want us to read your mind at all. I would be much easier to deal with if you just tell me what you’re feeling. Instead, you just sulk and stew and get annoyed when I keep asking what’s wrong. The sooner you tell me, the sooner you can go back to the game. Talk, and I’ll stop nagging.
I believe saying that men experience the same pain that women do after a break up is foolish…men don’t love the same as women do…men are much quicker to just get on to the next woman after the loss of another one…just my opinion.
@fab
yea we all have a great time with one another. Yes I get all red and my eyes turn into even smaller slits.
@chelz/JAT
umm I dont understand the lingo…”congress?” wth is that?
@reina
I agree. SHow me what you are feeling and the nagging will cease.
@Reina
I’m guilty of letting things simmer when I’m upset with my SO. But it normally doesn’t start until after I’ve said something, and she still continued to act in the same manner. My ex didn’t take me seriously because I wasn’t constantly complaining about it. As long as she was happy, she didn’t see a problem. I let her know several months in advance that I’m not going to live like this, but she didn’t take heed until the day I let her go.
@Nisha
Congress=Doing the Nasty
@Moe
EXACTLY! just shut ur mouth and I’ll probably go along with it. And men say women talk to much…pshhh..
@chelz
Thank you mamas I was lost in the sauce.
@EC
I think that men fall in love QUICKER than women, but they fall out of it quicker too. Thats why when you first get together, eh dominates all your time, calls you, bugs you, gets mad when you seem hesitant…all that stuff.
And then when you FINALLY fall…he’s already over it. Or at least on his way out…the worst thing in the world is watching somebody fall OUT of love with you…thats when we cling, question, nag, insult, scheme and connive (sp?)to get the man to do what we want him to do.
But you know what the secret it? DO NOTHING!
Yes…its just that simple, ladies.
Moe,
“I’m guilty of letting things simmer when I’m upset with my SO” Same here. I dont nag. If i tell you one thing and you dont do it/take care of it, ill do it. If its about how i’m feeling and u dont address it right away, ill wait for a lil bit and then tell you again. When ive reached my limit, it’s done, I shut down and it’s too late to do anything about it.
@ chelz,
I dont know if its just me but i feel nothing from toe sucking…nada
@ exaviergirl
i2i
chelz,
I kinda agree with what you said about the guys. Only thing is what (I think) they feel is infatuation. It’s something new. Just like a toy, they wanna play with it all day n night when they first get it. After a few weeks, then it’s blah
@Fab
It depends on the quality of the toy. It it’s fun…we won’t want to stop.
@Fab
really? Different strokes
@Nisha
you’re welcome!
@fab/chelz
I dont get anything from toesucking either.
@ Moe
So your ex constantly did something that you didn’t like, you informed her of it, yet it took you several months to end it with her because of that?
@ Fab/Nisha
I do nag. Relentlessly. It’s when I stop nagging, that means the relationship is over.
@reina
I nag as well, same thing applies to me when I stop its a wrap.
@Reina
I tried to give her a chance. And I’ll admit, I was being a coward the last couple of months of the relationship because I knew there was going to be some serious drama when I let her go.
@Nisha
fine…me and Jat know where its at…lol! naw…different strokes, like I said. I hate breast action. Does nothing for me…completely not necessary. But hey…thats me
@Moe
you got to be some super high tech toy ya’ll cant figure out in order to keep your attention. But be TOO hard and he’s moving to some easy ass Leap Frog type crap…ugh
@Reina/Nisha
Why do you nag?
Moe,
Even if it’s fun, yall lose interest in it at some point. Some of yall put it aside so they can go play with the newest toy but yet, expect to come back to the one you already had.
@Chelz
Well…what can I say? LOL
@Fab
That probably is the case with most men, but I know a FEW that go against that notion.
@Moeski-nator
So how can we ever win? It just doesnt make sense! Ya’ll are nice to look at (pictures Reggie Bush…Nelly…the water delivery guy with the dreds from yesterday…)
but damn if ya’ll personalities and habits dont make me wanna meet my maker earlier than scheduled. No thank you!
@Chelz
It’s not that bad. lol With everything in life, there’s a balance. You have to find that balance.
@Moeski
BAH! Aint no balance…if it was then why are you still single and FWB-ing it and your old age, Mr. I Have All the Damn Answers?
@moe
I think for me its just I want you to know what I feel, why I feel this way , how to fix it, and so forth. The man resists of course and that is where the nagging comes into play. I know my SO said I wanted things my way, I know what I put in and I expect to reap what I have sown. So if thats wanting things my way so be it.
@chelz
lmao.
@Chelz
Because I haven’t met a woman who I felt I could have a successful thriving relationship with for the next 40 or more years. I don’t have all the answers, but I know what I will and won’t accept. I’ve only met one woman in my life that was marriage material, but I wasn’t ready to commit. If I met her now, or someone similar to her…it would be game over.
Hello everyone
Moeski,
you make it sound so easy
@Moeski
yeah yeah yeah…i was just teasing you Baldilocks…don’t get ur Depends in a bunch!
@Lala
Whats good mama? Cute shoes/polish color!
@LALA
Hey Girl!!!
@Fab
I never said it was easy. I just said it needs to be done. Hell, I struggle sometimes, and I know what I need to do.
@ Moe
Because I care.
@ Chelz…
Coincidentally, I was having a similar conversation with a guy Sunday night. He said that this usually happens once the sex is had. A man’s main goal is the vortex, and if the vortex ends up not being quite as hypnotic, what does he have to look forward to then? What will keep him enthralled? And it occurs most often when a woman’s bases her attractiveness simply on her sexuality.
@Chelz
I thought someone needed to change your pull-up..the way you were carrying on. lol
just want to chime in for a minute. Long story short I was in a relationship with a dude who swore he would never love again. Basically he had been in a rough relationship prior and he was not interested in trying again. We met and fell in love and two years later after all he had began to lower his defenses I did the ultimate and cheated. It has been over eight years and he has never even attempted another relationship and swears he never will. I get it when a man says they feel the same pain.
I’m hearing all the bad things that men always do wrong and how were percieved, how we act, etc….
DO you any of you women know how to keep a man? If so, how? True you cant make a man stay or be where he doesn’t want to be but isnt it the easist way out to generalize to say men aint shit versus looking inward?
****perceived
@reina
I’m done…go head mamas!
@La La
Why did you cheat if everything was everything?
@Reina/Nisha
“Because I care.”
That’s different. Most men find nagging unattractive and undesirable…but you’re saying it’s a positive thing. And that when the nagging stops…the relationship is over. Interesting.
@ lala
hey there
oh wow, i can def see where he is coming from.
lol @ Chelz n Moe
@Moeski
hush Baldy!
@Reina
so here’s the dilemma. Guys come after you cuz they want the cooch. Its a simple fact. You dont give it up (celibacy, abstinence, etc) and he writes you off as a friend. Give it up and he may or may not call you. Question him and he gets exasperated, assume the worst and be bitter, assume the best and get disappointed.
I say charge these mofo’s for the Heisman as soon as they come sniffing around your Good Good and at least make a come up off their one dimentiality (I’m pretty sure I just made that word…and the spelling of it…up)
@Blaze
No I dont. Ya’ll dont wanna be kept…you wanna do the keeping!
The End.
@blaze
WHoa!
@ Reina:
Nah, dudes can fall out of love with you in spite of the ill nana. All 3 of my exes lost whatever feelings they had for me, but each and every one of them has admitted to missing “the vortex.” One even saw me in church and “got excited.” In addition to being funny, it pissed of the rebound chick he trotted in there to try to make me jealous.
@ Lala:
What’s up and welcome!
@ everyone:
Does a person have to be 100% marriage material when you meet them? Would you consider growing with a person? Is there a cutoff (85-90% ready)? I’m just curious.
@Chelz
Not everything is based on when and how we get the Heisman…Its the depth of the woman…thats some next level shit. Sex is only part of the equation whnen talking long term.
I never seen a man hurt or cry because he lost a good peice of ass but hurt over losing a good woman with some substance about herself outside her sexuality.
@ Chelz…
There are a significant number of men who want you to shut up and open your legs. Anything we say along that journey is only consequential if it will aid him in the lowering of the panties. Knowing this, I will forever stand by the fact that women have the power.
Vortex?
**dead**
lmao@ill na na
@Blaze
I have my own ideas about sex and relationships…I was talking to a friend the other night about all of our ex’s and FWB’s etc…and I realized that at some point in the very very beginning of each and every relationship, I had a thought or made the statement aloud of how I predicted things ending.
And not once was I wrong. My problem is my will power and the ability to just listen to myself, I think. And also that no-good men flock to me for whatever reason.
continuing…
Saying that, having that power and controlling it to your advantage are two different things. If a woman wants to be defined by her vj alone, she will end up lonely. Men want sex. They’re not going to turn it down. There has to be something else much more recherché to keep him interested.
@Reina
Exactly..and thats my point.
@ blaze:
I’m going to catch hell from the EC for saying this, but there was a time when I didn’t know how to keep a MAN. A boy, yes, but not a man. Coincidentally, I was dealing with people who also didn’t know how to keep a woman (but maybe a girl). As I have grown and matured, I have developed the skills to keep a mature relationship strong.
Right now though, I have to frame my thinking to believe that dudes ain’t isht because I do not desire to be in a serious relationship. I don’t have the time or the energy to deal with his stuff or to deal with mine. When I’m ready, then I will resume being optimistic. That, and I will be more prepared to be patient to objectively evaluate the dudes that come my way. Even Moe and FG have stated that finding the right person to devote all that time to is hard. So yeah, women gripe about men, but y’all have laid the same complaints against women. The difficulty comes because there are many additional factors that work to facilitate men, especially black men, in being no-good dudes. Are all men like that? Heck no. Some men are just immature, and are thus good dudes in waiting. Then there are issues of compatibility, so every good guy is not the guy for you.
@Reina
I could go on all day about how I dont know how to get the point of being more that just my *ussy Power across any more loud and clear than I feel I already do, but it’d be useless.
So I’ll just nod and agree
@Blaze, I cheated because I got scared. I looked at him one day and thought “is this as good as it gets” I learned a powerful lesson and there is no doubt that it has made me a better person. To answer you other question, you can only keep someone who wants to be kept.
@ Moe
Like I said, if you’ll talk to me, I’ll stop nagging. And my nagging has nothing to do with your remaining out too late or not taking out the trash, etc. I just want to know what you’re feeling, why you felt that way, and what we can do move forward. Sitting there with a caveman look on your face while pounding your chest in a “I Am Man” fashion will not shut me up.
@ lala
*standing ovation*
“you can only keep someone who wants to be kept”
the end, ladies and gents
@JAT
I would consider growing with a person. I’m sure we’re both going to fall short in some areas..so I’m not opposed to working together to fill those gaps.
@La La
Because you got scared? Please carify…Also how do you keep a man?
@ J Thought
You’re right it is a lot of work to keep your SO happy…a lot of work. You should take time for yourself until you’re ready to put in that effort. Everyone desires (La La)..for that perfect mate but isnt willing to put in the work.
****clarify
@ Moe:
To be clear, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the maximum level of work, what level would you say is the most you would even contemplate working with someone that you would consider marriage material.
For example, I do not like lazy dudes without vision. So, I would assign a 1 to 2 for the life plan, but maybe like a 6 or 7 for being patient with actual career development (not employment, because even the bible says that if you don’t work then you don’t eat). I have zero tolerance for anger and violence, and also for misogeny.
@Reina
The important thing is to really take in what he’s saying when he does talk to you. I would venture to guess that a lot of men have a problem with expressing what they’re feeling, so it’s not going to happen often. When he does, make sure you listen, and adjust accordingly. I’m sure the EC will correct me, but I don’t believe that men make a habit of nagging when they’re unhappy with you. So don’t discount their feelings when they finally do open up to you.
@ fab/Lala
I third and fourth that motion. I also add that one, man or woman, should definitely make themselves worthy of being kept.
@Blaze, men say they want a woman with substance but is that what you really want? If so, why go for the a$$ so quick. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t jump my bones the first chance you get and then tell me later that you want substance. I got substance but I got some good yum yum too. Which one are you really after??
**grabs popcorn and waits for the XY’s answer to Lala’s question**
@ Moe
I was with you until the “adjust accordingly.” What the hell? I do not discount his feelings, but he shouldn’t discount mine. Having feelings do not make you right. Sulking does not make you superior. I want to know what you’re feeling, but I won’t be making any adjustments if your feelings are just stupid.
Reina
As a lady, how do you make yourself of being worthy of a good man?
@JAT
If I considered her marriage material, I would put in a 10. For me to even consider her wifey material, she has to be something special. So I’m willing to put in the work. You’re better than me, because a lazy woman with no vision wouldn’t even get a half out of me…much less a 1.
@ Reina:
Cosign, because some men (XY notice I said some) get all upset and insecure about stuff and want you to adjust everything in your life to make them happy. Every woman in here has likely dealt with an insecure dude that tries to denigrate her value with some off the wall request.
@ Lala:
Men don’t want women of substance until they are finished with their doggish phase. A doggish guy has no problem stating what type of woman he wants when he settles down, but he may fail to mention that he aint trying to settle down anytime soon. A real dude will just be upfront rather than lie to you.
@Blaze, again you don’t “keep a man” or a woman for that matter. You do what you can to maintain a healthy relationship. You do your part. If that person is going to leave you Baby there is nothing that you can do to “keep” him or her. That’s why you got folks out here pouring gasoline on chicks and setting them on fire. You have to know when to let a person go, that is far more important than breaking your neck to keep them. You dig?
@Reina
When I say “adjust accordingly”..I’m not telling you to bend to his will. I’m saying you both need to find a common ground.
@ Moe:
I was being generous on the life plan grading. I didn’t want blaze and and1 to jump on my back for not giving a brother a chance ;-)
@Reina, Thank you! Thank you!
@JAT
I gotcha. lol I was surprised you put “marriage material” and “lazy dudes without vision” in the same statement.
@ Blaze
I don’t make myself worthy of a good man. I make myself worthy of me. I judge myself by my standards alone, and I have pretty damn high standards. My worth is defined by me, and hopefully, a good man will see that. And he has.
**notices Xy’s have yet to answer Lala’s question…opens bag of Skittles**
@LaLa/Chelsea
Chelsea, you already know my answer to this. I want substance. Sex is easy to get. As Dave Chappelle stated..women are flooding the market. It has gotten so easy now that we don’t have to spend any money. A few kind words…and a drink when she gets to your crib…and it’s on. I’m a old head (shush Chelsea!), so I’ve already played the numbers game. I want quality now.
*sits next to chelz eating pineapple upside down cheesecake*
@Reina
Well said but I was just asking the same thing you mentioned on post #125 just in the format of a question.
“I third and fourth that motion. I also add that one, man or woman, should definitely make themselves worthy of being kept”
@La La
Hold tight, I got your answers
@fabie
Lemonade, iced tea or water?
@Blaze
To clarify when I say I got scared I meant the relationship had moved from the fairytale stage to real life. This was several years ago, I was younger and had not really established myself at that point. I started to feel trapped. I tried to communicate this to my SO but he was too distracted by the changes in behavior to hear that I was reaching out to him.
chelz, sweetened iced tea, thank you very much. want some cheesecake?
@ Blaze
I got that, and I guess it depends on a person’s standards, how they determine their worth. Some men define themselves by their car and bank account size, and some women base their worth on their waste to ass ratio. I just hold myself and the guy I’m with to higher. And those standards are a bit too intricate for me to define.
@Moe
Well said bruh….right on point.
@Fab
yes ma’am!
@Blaze
Thank You
@lala
Your last statement about being “too distracted by the changes in behavior to hear that I was reaching out to him,” is interesting to me–an interesting emotional state to be in.
hey eshe!
@Reina
I like your way of thinking. I agree with you that men and women (and I have been guilty of this in my earlier days) shouldn’t place superficial value (cars, gifts,money,etc) towards personal worth but that is still too much of the equation and its getting worse.
@La La
So what were some of your changes? How long did you cheat on him?
@ blaze:
I see you still dodged providing your own personal answer to Lala’s question. Cosigning Moe does not count ;-)
But I do agree that people place too much value on external things.
@ eshe:
Hey. Yeah, it’s been my experience that people don’t interpret behavior correctly. I think this is because a lot of people are just selfish and don’t take time to figure out why people do the things they do. Girls call dudes trifling, and dudes call women crazy.
@ J Thought and La La
It was a good question I needed a moment..lol
On some occasions we do go after the ass quickly. Rather if we get it get it quickly or not doesn’t diminish the fact the as a man I’m still looking to see how much depth that lady has ab out herself. Sex is just one part of the equation like I said before. Some women (not all) thinks once she gives it up…she feels as if she’s done her part..and begins to create these crazy expectations for that man.
@chelz
Hey! Are you and Fab still having cheesecake? I can bring some of the cream cheese pound cake I made this weekend to the party! :-)
@Just
I agree. I think it goes back to something that was brought up earlier this month—about a disconnect in communication between the sexes. I also think sometimes we just don’t want to understand eachother.
@eshe
we sure are! cream cheese pound cake? i am NOT gonna say no to that one…
lemonade, tea or water for you dear?
blue,
oh yes, you’re definitely welcome! That sounds yumm-Y!
@all the lurkers
Do you think in relationships, that you should love someone the way you want to be loved or should you love them the way that they want to be loved?
**waits to see if lurkers will out themselves**
where’s Fema?
That includes you as well Chelz…especially you. ***as I sit back relax..****
@everyone…
I just got back not lurking.
I’m a firm believer in “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
@Blaze
the way i think and feel is contrary to everyone on this site. i just think love and relationships are not for me. Everything is not meant for everybody and I can’t live in a fantasy hope world for the rest of my life. It is what it is. What can I do? FORCE someone to be my dream guy? Dont think so…
@Nisha
But everyone wants to be loved differently…especially men and women…You’re still on the hook ms..lol
Where’s La La..?
@Chels
So in order to believe in love and relationships you feel as if you have to find your dream guy first? Aren’t you worthy of love? Dont you have love to give?
@blaze
But at the end of the day, you want someone who values themselves so in turn you would hope that they value you. There are a lot of ppl who hold themselves in a high regard, you just hope the person you are with holds you in the same regard. I mean no one wants to be treated like ****.
@chelz
Water, thanks so much!
@Blaze
Yup…some ppl have found the love of their lives. Others haven’t yet. Some went on to glory without ever experiencing it. Its a reality. I’m worthy of love and I’m pretty sure I have love to give, but I’m not a bout to drive myself crazy trying to figure out when its gonna come, what form its gonna come in, or trying to piece together a relationship. I’m just stating a fact.
@Nisha
True…..I totally agree with you NY.
Answer the questions Chelz…
@Chelz
my question is about how you love and want to be loved…Do you even know that for yourself?
@Everyone — What’s good folks…
This is a tough one to come in on. Especially 160-some odd comments deep (probably more by the time I finish typing). I won’t prognosticate on this subject based on gender. I’ve seen men CRUSHED by love and women CRUSHED by it (or rather it’s departure).
I’ve certainly SEEN more women crushed by it. But is that because it happens to them more often? Maybe. Or does it happen in equal numbers and just doesn’t appear that way because of male internalization (which is EXTREMELY common). Maybe. But we can argue that til we’re blue in the face.
I can however, speak personally about the subject with accuracy…so that’s what I’ll do. I’ve been in a breakup that crushed me for months. It was actually a mutual separation (I wanted to head to Cali, she wanted to stay in the south). Even in a brand new big city in bikini-clad southern California, I was heartbroken. I COULDN’T completely internalize. It was written all over my face. Words would slip out of my mouth. No other female interested me. It was obvious!
And that has happen a sum total of ONCE in my entire life. Every other time, I did the crushing. It’s rare that love is found in equal parts. Someone usually loves the other a little more. Unfortunately, they’re usually the one who gets crushed.
I’m a very reciprocal person…but you have to go first. Is this probably a defense mechanism to try to prevent me from being the one who loves a little bit more?? probably. It’s also my worst tell. If you get me going first…I’m probably in trouble…
I’ve actually met a girl recently who gets me to go first on a few things. But fuck that! lol…they were small things…and it’s early… ;)
@Chelz
Your way of thinking falls in line with these lyrics…
There’s so many stories of love
All with the wonders of love
And so very sad I would be
‘Cause none belonged to me
Could be it’s all for the best
So I finally let it rest
Sad but I thought that maybe
Love wasn’t meant for me
@blaze
Thank you!
@Blaze
I cant answer that. No one has ever loved me romantically so I don’t know.
@Moeski-nator
I guess!
@Preston
interesting…
@eshe
you got it!
@Preston
“If you get me going first…I’m probably in trouble…”
You’re not by yourself with this one.
I think every man needs to feel that type of hurt before he can truly know how to love a woman. We all go through trial and error when learning how we like to be loved and how to love someone else.
@ Preston
Thanks for the feedback, dude. Always nice when you hop through. So you stated that you’ve crushed a few hearts, but now there’s this female that has you “going first.” What’s so special about her? Moe, you agreed so answer as well. What separates her from the rest?
@reina
Good question>!@
@Blaze
I’m back
@Blaze
Do you truly know how to love a woman? Before you answer I want you to first ask yourself do you even want to.
La La
Bout time….
@Reina
I’m normally ‘Iceberg Slim’ when it comes to dealing with women…but every blue moon I’ll meet a woman that causes me to act like Norbit. I can’t really explain what it is that sets her apart. It goes way beyond her physical appearance. There’s an indescribable connection. And ‘chemistry’ doesn’t seem to be enough to describe it. I go from naturally doing everything right…to talking myself through the entire interaction. Cool points usually get lost somewhere along the way.
@Preston
So you made up your mind that you were never going to go first again but has that actually protected you from feeling hurt or rejection?
@moe
lmao @ the comparisons! lmao.
@Moe
Awe that’s cute and just as it should be. That’s what let’s you know that you really like a person, losing cool points is a clear indication that this may be the one.
@Blaze
Excuse me for not being on your time suga.
Where is Chelz?
Where is fab?
*no lurking lol*
@Nisha
I’m not lurking…I’m here. This particular line of questioning doesnt pertain to me
@La La
Do I truly know? Probably not because its not a one size fit all approach. Each woman has her own uniqueness about her. .. and how many times in your life do you get a chance to truly love and master it..La La?..Its too dynamic and defined differently from one person to the next…
Thats like asking a man if he truly knows how to make love to a woman…..every woman has different desires. It takes time to get to know each thing that turns her on….right? SOme like their toes sucked, some dont…
@ Moe
Aww! That’s adorable. And you’re feeling this way now?
@LaLa
It’s a good sign, but I don’t like feeling that way. I feel like I’m losing control of the situation, and more importantly, myself.
@Reina
I have no idea what you’re talking about. ;-)
@Reina – I can’t explain it. but there’s a compulsion about it. With most girls….you meet them….swap numbers or whatever….get to know them and go from there. Usually in that getting to know them stage no one is too heavily invested emotionally. If things fall apart during that stage…oh well…onto the next.
BUT every now and then…during the getting to know you phase, you see more attributes that you like than you would normally see at this point. She says more things than normal that stick in your head. Specifically it’s different for every guy…but SOMETHING happens during that getting to know you period that gets him (gets me?…nah) more invested. You won’t just be an “oh well”. The woman has done something to make herself more valuable to you earlier than you expected (note: this “thing” is NEVER sex).
So I gotta keep her around. I’m enthralled a bit. I wanna see what she’ll say next…she’ll do next. So I try harder than I would. I don’t play it as cool as I would. And I end up going first a few times. At the very least, if it falls apart, I can say that I didn’t just LET it. I thought she might be more. So I gave more. I tried more…
@Moe
Oh I know the feeling and I understand why it makes you uncomfortable but being in control all the time is a bore – don’t you think? A relationship is supposed to have its ups and downs. I would question my relationship if it did not offer some challenges or if I felt that I always had the upper hand.
@Preston
wow! so what happens when you are the one who loses your stock during that getting to know you phase? i’m asking have you ever been on the other side and that person that captured your attention loses interest before you can really get to know them?
@LaLa
In the early phases of dating, there’s a dance taking place. And when you’re not in control, you tend to get out of step a little more often because you’re too busy admiring the other person to pay attention to what you’re doing. When I’m enamored with a woman, it takes a considerable amount of effort to keep from doing too much too soon.
@La La
I hate to admit it but I agree with you. A woman keeps me on my toes by keeping me guessing at times. Not in the form of playing games or anything like that, but makes me wondering what she’s thinking about me and the situation. Thats a good way to keep a mans attention. Not wearing ALL your feelings on your sleeve but not holding too many back at the same time.
@Fab/Eshe
pretzels?
@ Preston:
Good to see you bruh1
@ Blaze:
I think you should respect and be considerate of people in the way that you want to be respected and taken into consideration, but you should express love in the way that the person receives it. I am big on quality time, so you can give me gifts and compliments, but if I never see you, I won’t feel as loved as you think I should feel. Yeah, I know dudes need their space, time to hang with the boys, etc. I need my me time as well, which I guard fiercely. But if I don’t feel that you make an effort to carve out time specifically for me, then I will be pissed with a capital P.
I don’t know losing someone they care about helps a man to love better. I think it is the primer that sets them on that course. Most men won’t commit until they make up their minds to do so. Even if, perchance, he starts to give more first (a la Moe and Preston) if he doesn’t want to fall, he will lock up his heart and draw back. I don’t think women are that methodical in managing their affections.
@Moe
I find that to be the case with me too. I get so excited that I actually have met someone who can light my fire that I jump too far and too soon. What do we do? Or is that just who we are?
@ Preston
She’s a lucky woman! Amazing. There’s something humbling and ego-stroking about guy losing his cool for you. And that’s what I want. A guy who’s less worried about his player’s card and more concerned about being honest, stepping out there, and letting me know how it feels. Taking that risk and letting me know that he values me. Making me lose my cool as well.
:-D
@ Moe
If you ever admit to it, your chica will be lucky, too.
@Chelz
Funny you ask I just had pretzels with my lunch…
@J Thought
I agree…I like the point you said earlier about the difference of loving a girl versus loving a woman. I fell into that trap a few times subcontiously before I realized that the pace, timing and learning how that woman wanted to be loved and feeding it.
@Preston
I think you might have wrote the lyrics to Kanye’s “Love Lockdown”..lol
nisha,
i’m not lurking..had to step away for a lil bit
@ chelz
almond pretzel, sure? You can have some of my cheez-its!
@LaLa
I guess that’s just who we are. It’s okay to feel it, we just have to learn to temper our enthusiasm.
@eshe
more for me! :)
@Reina
I’ll admit it when the time is right.
@Fab
I just had cheez-its with my lunch a lil while ago!
and almond pretzels? whatchu talkin bout Fabie? I aint say nothin bout no almonds…
@La La
So in your opinion why is there such a disconect between men and women? Broad question but what are thoughts…
@Blaze
Yes balance is great but that’s not really what I was saying to Moe. Actually, I was trying to point out that sometimes you will put your self out there and maybe play your hand first but that is what makes getting to know someone fun. You don’t know if they feel the way you do and it is an interesting way to find out. Now of course there is always the chance that you will be rejected. It happens.
@ Preston:
It starts early with small things. Pretty soon you’ll be too sprung to take applications for my tall slim not type a dude…
@ Moe:
Be careful or you will be a confirmed bachelor. Or maybe you’re following the caucasion model of men marrying later in life. Just don’t rob the cradle too hard… ;-)
@Blaze
The disconnect comes from lack of honest and communication on both sides. If you are honest with yourself and others and communicate what you want/need then there would be less confusion.
@ Moe
Admit to whom? Us or her? If it’s her, then that doesn’t contradict the being out of control aspect. I thought what you guys were saying is that she takes you out of your element, makes you do/say things that you normally wouldn’t.
@JAT
I didn’t intentionally follow the caucasian model…but it’s working for me. I have no regrets. I won’t rob it too hard…but best believe…it will get robbed! lol
chelz,
the pretzel is not from Auntie Anne’s? No thanks then.
@Fab
oh so my bag of pretzels ain’t good enough for you huh? ok…be like that then! More for me!
Moe,
ewwww U nasty! LOL
@ Moe:
Why rob the cradle? Do you not find women near your age attractive? Do you want to avoid dealing with a woman that’s been divorced or has children (given the dismal marriage rates for black women, it is entirely possible to find a black woman, if that’s what you chose, that is in your age range that’s never been married nor had children).
I’m just playing the devil’s advocate…
**eats pretzels – ALONE – and waits for Moeski-nators answer**
@ blaze:
A big disconnect btw men and women comes from people not listening, and also trying to fit people into their boxes. I tell a good platonic friend of mine (male) that he does not have to agree with my system of logic, but he has to recognize that I do have a system of logic that I follow. Likewise, I may not get a lot of the things he says/thinks, but I acknowledge that that’s his system, so I have to follow his train of thought regardless of how convoluted I think it is.
@Reina
She does.
@JAT
I’m just running my mouth. I don’t rule anyone out.
@LaLa — Yeah…I’ve been there and it sucks…lol. You’re thinkin, “hey she may stick around for a little bit” and she’s thinking, “…and next”. When that happens you just take it on the chin and move on. But that’s why I mention the effort. I thought she might be something…so I went after it a little harder than normal. In the end…that’s all I can do. So I’ll still sleep at night. When it’s all said and done, we probably only get a few shots at true love. So at least I can say I took mine…
That said…I’m fairly charming though. If you give me the airtime, I usually do OK. :)
@Reina — thank you. I’m pretty lucky myself. I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for. NYC has more people than Los Angeles…so I like your odds.
@Blaze — lol…Kanye has been jackin my shit for YEARS man…
@ J Thought
Agree but I do think women handle their baggage worse than men. One or two bad relationships and they give up on dating,love & relationships (right Chelsea?). So if a woman thats only 20 feeling like that, imagine what women with those kids, divorced, etc are acting like.
And all the EC here said that women handle rejection better than men…lol. Not even close…..
Was I just called out or what? Damn…ok
@Reina
When I’m experiencing those feelings, I start feeling vulnerable. I start getting nervous because rejection is always a possibility. Even Norbit played the role every once in a while.
@ blaze:
Women may carry their baggage with them more, but dudes are WAY worse with giving up on long term relationships, especially marriage. My youngest brother refuses to ever get married, and I don’t think he’s ever been in deep like, let alone love. His two bad experiences (typical teenage stuff) was enough to make him give up on that. That, and he’s an irrepetant whore, so maybe he’s still sowing his wild oats.
And best believe that while Chelz may not spit on a dude if his butt was on fire, if she were to meet someone that got past her defenses in spite of herself, she would be all in love too. Women talk a good game about giving up, but even the most bitter of us still want the fairy tale. Men tend to permanently encase their hearts behind 10ft of conrete, and will let a good one get away rather than be vulnerable again.
@ Blaze:
I never said I didn’t experience rejection better. I try to avoid bald-faced lies whenever possible.
Women tend to be more quick about rebounding after rejection, baggage and all.
Damn! Called out AGAIN!
**goes back to eating pretzels**
@J Thought
True…we do think we can be players all our lives but time will take care of that. I used to think like that but the single life is too inconsistent for me. Once your time and money is invested over too many options, you never see the growth and you feel like your running in place.
Chelz is going to fall hard and quick. Like you said it will take a patient dude to break through her defense mechanisms. I thought that 6′4 dude was about to do that….I dont think she was ready for that poetry dude was kickin to her..lol
@ J Thought
That wasn’t directed to you per se, it was based on an old post we had before.
**pretends to not notice she’s being talked about like she’s not here**
is that 3 times I’ve been called out?
@ Chelz:
I’m sorry. But it’s all in love. Plus, kiddo (ha, I know that pissed you off, but I couldn’t resist), others in here have been there before, and after a while you will get to the point that you don’t have to hate men or swear off dating, even if a good number of their species is flawed.
@JAT/Blaze
im really done with defending myself and what I’ve gone thru, so I’m gonna let you old-heads speculate, okey-dokey?
@Chelz
lol….we just want you to be ready for that right dude that will coming your way…trying to keep you up on game and optimistic.
@Blaze
I’m not optimistic though. I’m over that.
But like I said, I’ve defended myself a 100 times…speculate away!
I’m with the rest of my EC I really feel no sympathy. I believe it’s possible but walking around angry at anything with a vagina doesn’t exactly give me a feeling of empathy.
sidenote: I just made the best jerk chicken and avocado sandwich ever.
Where u been Ms Miss….Do you know how to make Curry as well?
hey miss!
Ms,
I didnt have lunch! How can you come in here and tease us like that? I loooooove avocadoes *sigh*
hey everyone! blaze I never have but i’m sure I could do it no problem.
Hey Miss!
hey all,
question for you..since the discussion is talking about loss and coping loss…Does anyone believe in getting back the person you lost? And to what extent will you or wont you go to get the person back?
Hi Luving!
If he lost me, then no, I don’t do 2nd chances. If I lost him, it’s still probably no. My pride would keep my mouth shut. I hate admitting I was wrong.
Miss
Whenever you make it to this side I need to take you to the best carribean spot thats located in MD. If you can could you email me the recipe..
Hey Reina!
Do you believe “the one”? if so, what happens if he was the one that got away?
hey luvin!
Luving I did the whole ‘Recycled Love’ thing one time too many. I think it all depends on the nature of your break up in the first place. If you two parted ways due to a schedule conflict or a move then I think you can give it a second chance. But if you broke up due to infedelity then it’s best to leave the past right where it is.
@Luving
I would in a minute….we all grow and evolve. Maybe the timing was the best back then. But the only catch is they might not be that same person you fell for back in the day
Hey Chelz! how are you?
@Luving
There’s one I would consider, but other than that…no. They are a part of my past for a reason.
@ Reina
Good point. My reason was a move.
@ Blaze
Him not being the same person is so true, guess one can’t know unless you give it a try.
@blaze
where is this great spot?
@ Luving
In situations like Ms. mentioned, another try would be more palatable. As for “the one,” I believe, but no one in my past was it. I had a prototype, but he wasn’t it.
@ Luving:
I was stuck on my first (and only) love for a minute, so for a while I believed in that recycled love thing. But, I don’t think that was wise, especially considering the disparate levels of affection between us. I think if both parties are willing, then maybe. But like it was stated earlier, you can’t keep someone who doesn’t want to be kept. If that person don’t wanna be there, going all out to get him is not going to work no mattter what.
To specifically answer your question, I would jsut have a conversation with that person. All that other nonsense is only good for love songs, books, and movies.
But for the most part, dudes cease to exist once I’m thru with them. Everybody plays the fool, I had my one time and that was enough, thank you.
@Luving
Im curious….Is this question in relation to the guy that only sent you a text on your b-day..? Did you ever have speak to him about that?
@Nisha
Its a spot off of 450/Lanham Severn Road in Lanham called Muffin Man. By far the best…let me know when you want to go ….
@ Just
i feel you. I should of done the conversation method, went instead for the ecard method. I just gave it a try, if it doesnt work ah well. Lesson learned..dont treat the next good guy like crap.
@ blaze
nah, that dude was just a situation. I got over the text thing, I think it was just my ego that got a little bruised on that one, I expected more from him.
@blaze
Sounds good to me, most likely on the wknd. I have not found any good spots since I have been in maryland.
@ Luving:
I’ve had to learn that lesson to, although the “good guy” was more of a “not horrible guy”. I think how you treat someone can bring out the worst in them, especially if you don’t know your worth. Additionally, how someone feels about you dictates how they treat you.
I know we’ve discussed this before, but it came up again in a conversation between me and my sister in law last nite, so i have to ask.
Do any of you guys take breaks from your SO and do they work?
I think breaks create tension, maybe it just best to talk out what is making you consider a break in the first place.
@ Chelz:
Nope. I’ve put someone on boyfriend-probation, but that’s as close as I get to a break. I know my limitations.
@EC
i might be able to understand it if someone could tell me what the day to day undertakings would be during this ‘break’…but no one can. “oh…we’re gonna work on things” is the general answer I get. so…idk
@ Chelz:
Maybe if someone was still in school and the other party wasn’t. I used to be a consultant, so I would not have been surprised if my SO wanted to take a break because I was on the road 5 days out of the week for 9mos straight. I wouldn’t have agreed, but I could see why someone wanted to make the argument.
@JAT
hmmm…ok
Chels a break to me is equivelent to a break up. It’s like ‘I don’t want to be bothered with you, and I want to go out and do what I want, but please wait for me because we will get back together once I get _______ taken care or’ survey says: XXX
@Miss
I pretty much feel the same way? What the difference between the two? How exactly are you supposed to be working on things? Are you guys going to counseling or are you just avoiding each other and seeing if you miss him/her enough to drag yourself back?
And do you date other ppl in the meantime or are you supposed to behave as if you are still in a full-fledged relationship? It just confuses me.
@Ladies
An older person told me a while back that it’s never good for a man to express his feelings on the regular to his SO. The only feelings the man should be concerned with is her feelings. He said it was better to avoid sharing my feelings through words all the time, and stick to proving it through my actions (romance, affection). Do you agree with this? Which one do you respond to the most?
Expressing feelings and affection, i can live without the “romance”
@Luving
Which one do you respond to the most? Words or actions?
and yes im breaking down actions..affection and romance to me are two different things
@Moe
i say the action part…I’d rather be shown everyday then told but he puts no effort into anything other than forming the words. I dont completely agree that he shouldnt be concerned with his own feelings whatsoever, because that probably leads to some covered up feelings of resentment down the line…but thats a nice way to handle things in general
@ Moe
I disagree with that old curmudgeon. I want words as well as actions. I require both.
grr i dont want to pick one over the other lol alright if i MUST choose..actions speak louder then words.
Agree with Reina!! I want it all lol
At what point is it okay for a man to express how he feels about you in detail…without overwhelming you?
@ as long as he’s not a broken record, repeating it every 5 mins..he can tell me all he wants. Oh yea no crying why your saying all these things..crying is allowed once if we’re making up after a breakup.
Moe I agree with expressing love through actions. Sure you can TELL me that you love me. But if I come home to a romantic dinner for us that speak to me a lot more.
@Luving
LOL – But how soon in the dating process is it acceptable for him put those feelings out there?
@ Moe
When he feels it. Be honest. I’m not going to guess what you’re feeling.
Whenever he feels them, as long as there real and hes not feeding me lines he thinks I want to hear.
@Reina
Can he say too much too soon?
…if he really means it.
Moe
I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words. Telling the person is fine and dandy but words can sound empty if not reinforced by actions.
Acceptable? I think 3 months is acceptable
@Luving
So you don’t find it overwhelming if his feelings for you are stronger than your feelings for him?
@Fab
Why 3 months?
nope, those are the best relationships in my book. You get treated the best.
Okay
of course, he has to mean it
After 3 months, depending on the persons involved, i think feelings are “settled”. The couple gets into a routine and i think, pattern is set
I cosign w/ Reina, I want my man to show me and tell me. Doesn’t he want the same thing of me?
As for when it’s okay for a guy to express feelings, I want him to tell me when he feels it. I would, however, want the first time he expressing anything emotional to occur when we’re not having sex. Anything said during congress is not how they really feel.
@ fabie:
I wouldn’t set a time limit, but a guy that says he loves you after a week is a stalker.
lmao@JAT
@ Moe
Sorry. I got pulled into a conference call. If he means it, he should say it. He should just be prepared for my response, desired or not. Expressions of feelings are welcomed as long as the person is expressing them realizes that it doesn’t determine the other’s actions/feelings.
@ Moe:
I think one party having stronger feelings than the other can make things a little awkward, maybe a tad bit uncomfortable. But, if you want to be with that person, then eventually your feelings should grow to a comparable level.
@Reina/JAT
That’s why most people (myself included) feel compelled to keep their thoughts to themselves. Once it’s put out there, they can’t reverse the effects.
Wow, that’s so weird because I was exactly thinking about this subject a couple of days ago, in relation to my past relationships. I was telling myself that it wasn’t fair that I always ended up being the one that was the most affected by a break-up, that I felt that the guy had somehow had made an impact in my life (made me see things differently, helped me discover new things and open up emotionally) whereas I assumed that whether I had been in his life or not had no impact whatsoever.
I guess unless I actually see the guy writhing in pain and standing outside my house yelling my name à la Brando in “A Streetcar Named Desire”, I’ll still find it hard to imagine that guys can feel the same pain women do after a break up.
@ Taurus Lady:
I never felt that I had any effect on my exes. The only thing I can remember as far as one admitting something like that was one saying that I was a learning experience. I was so angry when I heard that that I just wanted to punch him in the face.
(note to XYers, I didn’t, I just wanted to.)
@ Moe:
I’ve noticed that men keep their feelings to themselves more. Funny thing is, most of the women I know that hold back are the ones men tend to fall head over heels for. It proposes an interesting connumdrum: men say they want someone who cares about them, is down for them, etc. yet they are more likely to give to someone who holds back from them.
morning ppl
Good Morning Peeps
@JAT
I can’t say I fall into that category. I don’t like not knowing where I stand. If you hold back from me, that gives me the impression that you don’t take ‘us’ seriously. At that point, the game is wide open. If someone comes along who peaks my interest, and she has a genuine interest in me, you’re gonna lose out.
Morning, chelz!
@ Taurus
I so agree with that “I actually see the guy writhing in pain and standing outside my house yelling my name à la Brando in “A Streetcar Named Desire”, I’ll still find it hard to imagine that guys can feel the same pain women do after a break up.” LOL
@ Just
Ive felt like a learning experience and i dont like it one bit! The last person i dated hadnt dated any other woman fr another culture. When things ended, no reason was stated on his part so i was left wondering if he just wanted to sample a different flavor…idiot!
Morning!
@moe
Do you go with that impression that the person isn’t that in to the “us” or do you ask?
Morning everybody!
Ok I have a question since I know you losers are all awake now
Good morning all!
lol @ chelz..ive been awake. Got to work at 7:30, thank you very much!
Whats your question?
Whats up people…
@Fab
go to work at 7:30! I was just rolling outta bed at that time!
Anywho…my question is this:
How do you guys feel about women who employ friends or exes they are not currently in a relationship with for the sole purpose of having a child?
@Chelz
Did you ever finish that Ayanla book yet?
@Blaze
no…I started reading it and I put it down cuz ish got kinda hectic
Someone told me this morning to read a book called the 5 Love Languanges..Has anyone read it? Was it helpful?
@Blaze
I like how you not answering the question I posed…its ok. Ignore me. See if I care
BTW who the hell is that in ur avi? I have yet to figure it out….
@ chelz
The guy would know and agree? As long as he does, sounds fine to me!
Also, as long as the guy is not married and “attached”.
@ Blaze
I read that book last week, and I’ll say that it did provide clarity for me in a situation I was suffering through. I’d recommend it to someone.
@ Chelz…
When you say employ, are the women paying the guy for his seed?
@Fab
yeah…it would be a clear cut agreement. She’s not in a relationship, but she wants a child. (she can afford it, isn’t like 17 or anything else imperative) and she chooses to have a child with someone she’s familiar with without the benefit of a relationship with that person and he knows exactly what she wants.
Thanks Reina
@Reina
no, not paying. Just asking a particular guy to go half on a baby with her. No financial obligations
@ Chelz…
As long as both are responsible and upfront about how they’ll approach the situation and make sure the child’s welfare is the MOST important circumstance, I say go right ahead. Better the devil you know.
@Chels
Would that be fair to the child?
@Blaze
what do you mean?
@ chelz
i have a prob with anyone that decides to do that. I think if its not in gods plan for you to have a child to force it by looking for other means of producing one. I think its a selfish way of thinking because your not thinking about the child at all who has to grow up thinking I wasnt conceived out of love, and will never have a stable family foundation. (ie mother and father) And i can understand if you were with someone romantically and you had a child and things didnt work out, the child was still conceived out of love and/ or lust. They just have to cope with my parents arent together and its unfair to me but they *liked* each other at one point. But to think Im a business transaction is messed up.
this is just my opinion, im sure others might disagree. But i stand behind it. Love and marriage n children isnt meant for everyone. Its gods plan not yours
@ blaze
also have been wondering, is that you in the picture or is that an artist? I always though Musiq Soulchild, dont kno why lol
@Blue
Normally I’ll say something, but it really depends on how interested I am in that person. If my interest is medium to low, and I feel the person isn’t that serious about ‘us’, I may not say anything. I would probably continue to get to know the new person. If the new person isn’t holding back while the first one is, then the new person would more than likely be the one I choose to be with.
@Luving
Nah its not Musiq Soulchild..lol.
@ blaze
so who is it lol…
@Chelz
I think it may be important to the child because one day you’re going to need to explain where and who’s their other parent and what role they have in their life.
@Luving
Its actually a photo of Black Thought…Im a Roots junkie….
@blaze
I never said the other parent was absent. You’re just not in a relationship with that person.
@Luving
ok…I understand your point
@Chelz
I got you…so the man would still provide guidance and direction to the child? Attend PSA meetings and all that? Recitals?
@ blaze
tru, i can see him now (have to focus really hard lol)
@blaze
if he wanted. that would be his decision entirely. relationship would be cordial and all that…just no romantic love other than conceiving
@Chelz
Your question reminds me of the movie “She Hate Me”. I wouldn’t sign up for it. But if you’re going to do it, a lawyer needs to be involved. There was a case recently in Cali where a man agreed to impregnant a woman with no strings attached, only to have her sue him for child support. Men have to be careful when they go to sperm banks, because there was another story where the kid tracked down the father when he became an adult, wanting to establish a relationship with him. And the father didn’t wany any part of it.
@Moe
lol..i saw that movie. It was hilarious…
good point
@cheese
It sounds like a bad idea to me. People struggle in single parent homes that come out of consequence. Willingly putting yourself in that situation strikes me as not only absurd, but selfish.
@Chelz
It was funny as hell. Dude was puttin’ in work!
@Moeski
how do you think your daughter has faired without you and her mother being together. She’s an adult now, so it should be clear how she’s developed.
When Miss comes I want to ask her the same question
@Fema
good point
@Moe
That movie was crazy….dude was making that paper
@Moe/Blaze
Kerry Washington was pimpin the hell outta his butt! lmao..drinkin red bull and takin ginseng…hysterical!
@Chelz
I think she has faired well. We have a great relationship, so I don’t think it effected her as much. We talk about anything and everything, and she tells me damn near everything (even the stuff I really don’t want to hear). But I’m glad she feels comfortable enough to do that. She has dealt with self-esteem issues (like most people) as a result of developing slower than most of her friends, but she has gotten past that. She’s still a work in progress (like all of us), but she’s making great strides at an early age.
@Moe
you are a good daddy!
I wasn’t feeling She Hate Me, for many different reasons.
I don’t think people should selfishly produce children in circumstances where one parent can ostensibly just up and leave. No person wants to raise a child alone. Parents in separate households have to put in an enormous amount of work to coparent, and that is difficult if there is no other bond between them besides the child. Men (and women) walk away from their children for all kinds of reasons. Having nothing more than an untenable verbal agreement to be in that child’s life will most certainly lead to the less committed person (or the noncustodial parent) throwing up the deuces. In all respects, the woman wanted the child, and the man will likely not want to contribute anything beyond biological material.
@Chelz/Blaze
Kerry was a straight pimp for real! When she showed up with basketball player looking chics, I felt sorry for dude. lol
@ Moe:
Going back to an earlier comment, while I don’t say that women should hold back entirely from men, it seems to me that men need to be given just enough to satisfay their criteria of “she’s feeling me.” My unscientific evidence shows that men respond most to what are effectively crumbs, and that they bond more when they have to work more. In my mind, that translates to holding something back, just giving him enough evidence to show that I care, but not going all out or giving first.
@JAT
point taken
@Moe
yeah you are a good dad
Other than me, is there anyone else who’s in a relationship?
@Nisha & Chelz
Thanks
@JAT
I can agree with that.
I take it that’s a no? *takes her question elsewhere*
@Reina
I think maybe Blaze might be the only one thats really close to being in a relationship…I dont remember anyone else mentioning seeing anyone special or with potential….
I agree JAT
@Moeski
ur welcome
@ Reina
lol you are the only one, chica
Only thing i’m having a close relationship with is anger…
Im sure all the ladies here have potentials/prospects waiting to come to fruition but I know you all at the least have a maintenance man around right?
@reina
how do you make it work?
*Sits down with chinese food*
@Miss
who’s butt am I gonna have to kick?
lmao@maintenance man
Blaze, your vocab kills me!
lol @ nisha
imma get my food and sit right next to you
Ms,
How are you? Everything ok?
@ blaze
no m. man..celibate :-)
@Chelz
Dont get it twisted..I can get 9-5 with the best of them.
@Blaze
no im just saying the words you use for things are funny…’referral’, ‘maintenance man’, ‘jawn’, ‘low hanging fruit’…amongst others that i cant readily recall right now
@fab
*clears spot for bff fab* lmao
@blaze
no sir
Damn U too Luving? I think all the ladies here on this site are celibate right?
well i only have a month, im going thru the withdrawl stages first…still pledging my celibacy
@ Chels: i’m just losing my mind without a job. went to the gym this morning, going to go run a few errands, being home in the daytime is just foreign to me.
@blaze: my cookie is locked up tighter than fort knox.
@Luving
Im sure if you hit a weak moment you can get a lot of support here….plenty!
@ Luvin: It will get easier as time goes on. I’ve gone almost half a year without sex! Woot!
@Miss
oh! you lost your job? is everything ok?
Ms Miss
Not trying to get in your business and you dont have to respond but I know you have plenty of toys to play with….
@blaze
The sugarwalls have been closed for the winter and beyond. No one deserves access, i’m not in a relationship so no way.
sugarwalls huh? Nice descript
@blaze
lmao.
@ blaze
im glad, cuz im sure i will!
@ miss
thanks thats great motivation!
lmao@EC names for the Juice Box
lmao@Juice Box
sugarwalls, cookie, Heisman….what other names are out there??
vortex (courtesy of Reina)
might as well be velcro…lol
Lmao@ velcro!
Blaze my man…you are on your own with THAT one
Reina, Im just joking
@ Chels: I was laid off on Friday. I’m doing okay but just trying to get daycare paid for until I get my unemployment is a damn nightmare. I know i’m not supposed to choke people, but i’m being tested…
@blaze: meh, two.
@luvin: trust me. during the first couple months I had sex dreams about ANYTHING I saw before bed. After a while they stopped and I stopped focusing my energy on sex and it got super simple.
out of curiousity..do you guys count not receiving h*ad as celibacy?
someone reffered to mine and the Zohan once…
The Love Below
Funbox
The Crushinator (lmao)
meant to say receiving
@ Blaze
About what? Did you insult me somewhere?
@ Fab/Nisha
Share the food! As for your question, I haven’t quit.
@Luving
i think ur supposed to avodi all things sexual…head would be included IMO
Luvin oral sex is still sex! I’m currently counting anything that causes a man to put my in a state to receive an orgasm sex.
Sorry to hear that Miss. What field of work are you in? Maybe one of us might have some contacts in that area.
@ blaze:
No maintenance man. I’m abstaining, and there aren’t really any prospects. I’m dating a nice young man now, but I doubt it will ever progress to that stage.
@ Reina:
Not in relationship. Just dating. Have to fend dude off from escalating it further.
@ blaze: I plan on going back to school.
Ok, you know how to reach me if you there’s anything I can on my end…seriously.
*****if there’s anything I can do from my end.
@ miss:
I’m sorry to hear about your circumstances. I have relatives in DC, I can try to pump them for some info…