You bring up interesting points. I’m in my late 20′s and I considered myself independent, but not as much as I’d like to be (I’m a work in progress, not afraid to admit it). As for independent being a default setting, reality is starting to show us that it’s not something that’s a given with men or women. It’s like something I once heard… “common sense isn’t common anymore”… get what I’m saying. I do think that independence should be a given at a certain age, but in light of what we’re seeing around us, it isn’t.

I agree with what you’re saying about wearing “Strong, Black and independent” as a badge. It doesn’t need to be thrown in everyone’s faces… I’m tired of it myself, I’m seriously like, “okay, I get it!!” And I’m not going to dispute that there are some women using it as cover for being a victim, hurt or miserable. I can say this, that some women use it because they need to. They need a way to cope and feel like they have some power, in a world that most often leaves us powerless. I can’t articulate it as well as I’d like to, but women have a very different experience in the world, very different from being a man (even a black man), and you’ll never understand it. For example, we women don’t get the same kind of respect that men do. Like, once I was out with my BF and we were looking at electronics. I did most of the talking, then my BF interjected a bit. At the close of the discussion, the salesman shook his hand, but kinda left me hanging, and waved me off. It was disrespectful to me, because I was a part of the conversation and impending sale, but I wasn’t acknowledged. I won’t go in to the discussion/argument that resulted with the BF, but that is a type of disrespect we put up with on the D2D and we’re expected to take it.

Things affect us in a different way and we sometimes use that “strong and independent” phrase as a defense mechanism. A way to get thru the day, you understand? We need to find better ways, but until then, we have to do what we need to do to get by.

(I think that was a rant, my fault… just free flowed thoughts)

CB

1.Just A Thought,I was reading your post and you said that “women have more at risk”,can you explain that to me a little more?

2.Now both of you said that you are “Independent Women” now I’m not trying to start anything but if you are single and of age,being independent should be somewhat of a “default setting” for lack better wording,on the way companionship?

From my viewpoint,I am 27,single,no child(ren),born and raised in Chicago,currently in Iraq,reside near Seattle,Washington and have only a few blank pages left in my passport.But anyway for the last few years,I ve noticed that some Black Women wear the “Strong,Black,Independant” phrase or slogan like a badge instead of letting it being apart of who they are.Also another thing I ve noticed that the women that say that,are usually “scorned,miserable,victim”.Which in turn comes back to this topic,I dont have a problem with trying something new on dates,it is “The Guard” that a lot of women put up that comes dwelling on past mistakes.Getting women to relax and be receptive is the problem for most Men trying to be with Black Women.Just my two cents.

I agree with what you’re saying… I’m a woman of the independent variety, and I damn sure don’t want to be a man (I love shoes, Vicky’s, dresses and the color pink waaaay too much). I like to let a man be a man, take the lead, you know? As women, we’re in control of so much at work, on the D2D, it’s comforting to come home, and embrace that womanhood. I heard Mary J. Blige say once in an interview, that she’s learning how to play her position as a woman… At first glance, I got really offended at that, but as I got older, dealt with men, and experienced life, I understood what she was saying. We don’t have to be hard all the time, we can be women and still be respected… Dang, I love being a woman.. Feel me?

CB

Worst first date was to the movies one I couldn’t actually talk with her, and two you can never really tell what kind of audience is going to sit in on your show. So some of the words being spoken may have made my date feel very uncomfortable as well as myself

And, just because a woman is independent (i.e. educated, employed, and paying her own bills) does not mean that she suddenly wants to be a man. In fact, she is more likely to want all the traditional accouterments of womanhood. Most women are independent out of necessity, because people get married later, if they ever do, and we all know the dismal statistics on marriage (especially black marriage). I think I speak for a lot of women when I say that I do not want to have to be tough at work all day, and then come home to and be tough there. I am your woman, not your mama. Like draws like, so if you give nary an indication that you are going to put in ANY effort, then what motivation is there for me to go all out? I mean seriously, women have more at risk, so have to be cautious. And – I’ll just stop here because this is turning into a novel, and that is unnecessary.

okay… I met a guy and he wanted to take me out to eat and a movie… cool. We ate first, then he asked me to pay for the movies. *blank stare* Being a good sport (?), I was like, fine, I’ll pay, … turned out the spot he chose only took cash and I don’t carry cash, so he wound up paying. Damn chump.

As for the good? My current BF and I went ice skating on our second date (we did the movie and dinner on the first date). It was my suggestion. He didn’t know how to ice skate, but I’ve been skating for years. We went to the rink, and I taught him how to skate (kinda), then I went around the rink a few times, turned to check on him and he fell! He actually cut his leg on his fall… poor thing. I skated over and helped him up and we had a good laugh at it. Great times…

CB

Sometimes the men and women in here have a duke it out. We all love each other at the end of the day though.