The Single Mother Blues

i agree, be patient, and kudos to you for being a single mom and having it together….

I definitely agree. I am a single mom of a wonderful 16 year old young man. As I fastly approach 40 (in a month and 8 days) I see now that its has been better not to get involved with the aboved mentioned type of guy (creepy loser). You want to make sure that in the long run the man you let in your heart can also be one that will be a postive force in your daughter’s life.

Also stay prayful because as The Fly Guy stated, you will surely need discernment.

Very well spoken. As a single mother myself, patience is truly a virtue not to be taken lightly. When it’s just you, you can be cavalier….but when you bring children into the fold, patience is a must. It is true that finding places where other parents spend time, and especially involving your kids in activities will benefit the both of you.

-waits to see the 79087907908 amount of women who have it together yet cant find anyone..although i know its quite a few with it together we all know good n darn well most dont. but i’ll be optimistic n let it play out

anywho…i was a single father and my daughter has seen one woman up n my face and it became just like she was her mother,and till this day shes her mom and my wife. i always found it crazy how so many women were cool with allowing so many joe blows up n their homes and n their faces in front of their kids

I am going through that know as we speak so I decided that I should move to a diffent area and start afresh with a new perspective because I know I am not meant to be alone and i know i am ready willing and able to do what I need to do. I say dont settle and go with your gut it never steers you wrong. and dnt have the mommy new friend syndrome were the are trasiping in and out of ur home many of my friends do this and to me it disgusting.

I actually really agree with your answer FG. But I also feel that it is ok for a woman to have friends. Not FWB’s or nothing but just plain old friends. I think that children need to realize that it is ok to have friends of the opposite sex without it being a sexual relationship. So many people feel the need to shelter their children from people of the opposite sex and I think its totally unnecessary. Anyone I meet they know of my son on day 1 and probably see him with me when they meet me. I want everyone to know that he is a MAJOR aspect in my life and we cant have any type of relationship if you are unable to establish some sort of relationship with him.

blackjones: why does it seem so farfetched that a woman that has her life in order can’t find a genuine man to date?

Blackfujones,

Um, why come you so bitter towards women in your posts? I know a lot of women, who, if they were men, would have been snatched up and married by now. A woman who can be imperfect and still have it together. In the past six months, I have met 3, THREE, single black men who are more than happy to play the field rather than settle down into a monogamous relationship. This is typical of the eligible men in my area, where women greatly outnumber men. So, it goes without saying that a lot of women (of all shades) have it together and are doing it by their lonesome.

And by the way, I was not dating nor attempting to date any of the men in question, so you can’t use the excuse that they were ready, but didn’t want to date me.

@miss

u tell me luv,bc for the life of me i dont know the reason. literally how is there 897009879070 “successful,intriguing,etc. “women out here however cant find a decent male. and im not even saying blk men im talking about men in general. so in some cases the responsibility has to fall in that persons lap, bc if thas the case I wouldve thought all women were cheaters, irresponsible etc. by my ex. and the women i encountered. like FG said you have to have patience. i wish women would realize that finding a suitable mate just doesnt plague women. hell i work in an industry where its dominated by males who make a substantial amount of money yet over 75% of them are either divorced or never have been married.

fight fight fight

@thought

never been bitter i just have to express what i dealt with when i was in the field and what my friends are going through. women believe its soo easy for a male to find a suitable mate when it isnt,due to the fact that a lot of women are not REALLY ready for relationships and are ill equipped to be in relationships. I blame a lot on expectations that arent based on reality. hell my ex fiance to this day believes we can work it out,not bc she truly loves me bc she’d like to plan the family get togethers etc that my wife plans. its that whole white picket fence,2 kids,nice life type deal that i hate to hear women say they want. and the women on here cannot say that isnt true bc you all get mistified by planning the weddings/have the children/the family outtings etc. men dont think of things like that,we think of being comfortable with our family while women find comfort in what can be displayed

lol B.C.
Now where were these women when i was dead broke in working my butt off to get ahead? Thing is none of them truly want to put in the work to get ahead. With me and my wife it was always we take steps forward not just one person,and we fight like hell to hold each other up and keep our relationship intact. Even tho its hard at times but then isnt life hard in itself? It baffles me at time to hear women brag about how successful they are yada yada yada and yet men cant step up to the plate. I can say at times that may be true,but when does the ball ever fall back in their court? I mean come on my philosophy when i was single was that i didnt just date to go out have fun etc. If i was dating I was putting in work to marry that woman,hence why ive only dated two women ever in my life. yet you get women who compulsively date and never have taken the time to have a self-check to honestly see what the heck it is they want. Hell I could tell you what type of mind i wanted a woman to have,her body,how sensual i needed her to be, i mean dammit i was sure of what i wanted and came to the point where i was ok in being alone if i didnt get it. however i found what i want.end of story

Alright blackfujones. This is my letter. I have pretty much been single going on three years. I have plenty going for myself financially. I know I’m a good person. I feel for me to be 22 years old and doing so well for myself I should have a man. Though it isn’t my main priority I do want the companionship of another adult and want my evenings and weekends filled with things other than finger paints and chanting to the television ‘Swiper no swipping!’. Right now I am not restricting myself to only black men but it isn’t like non black men are exactly checking for me right now, at least ones that are worth anything to me. I feel like my assessment of myself and from my peers is valid. I am successful. I am a great person. I have a child. A lot of men see that I have a kid and either think that I am looking for them to play daddy, that I am depressed and lonely and therefore willing to shack up and take care of them, or that I want a commitment too soon. I’m not looking for any of that, not now at least. It’s hard to explain and I do not think that I am the only one.

It is just frustrating. Am I intimidating? Men act all weird when they hear I’m NOT on welfare. They seem surprised that I have what I do have in my situation. Guess it is my fault and I’m lacking something obviously. Thank you for your words of encouragement dude.

lol B.C.
Now where were these women when i was dead broke in working my butt off to get ahead? Thing is none of them truly want to put in the work to get ahead.

Now you are just being a generalist. I myself have no problem with dating a man that has less than me. Matter of fact, I have only been with one man that made more money than me. Finances have never been a deal breaker for me. If a man is flat out lazy and has no ambition to do better for himself then why would I want him? That is a lot of my issue in finding a man suitable enough to have coffee with.

@ BLACKFUJONES

“you all get mistified by planning the weddings/have the children/the family outtings etc. men dont think of things like that,we think of being comfortable with our family while women find comfort in what can be displayed”

Wow! That’s a bold statement. I agree that most women like…ok ok LOVE to plan our weddings, outings and other family events but that’s not all we’re looking for and i think the same goes for most guys. Most guys aren’t thinking about “being comfortable with [their families].” It would be nice if they were…then we wouldn’t have so many dead beat daddies but it’s just not the case. Not saying that it’s not the case for you but it is definitely not the case for most men. Just my opinion.

@nicole
its a helluva lot of deadbeat moms out there also lets not forget hell i damn near married one of em

@Miss

no problem for the words of confidence,somebodies gotta do it

and theres nothing intimidating to me about a womans stature,maybe thas from my upbringing. been around great women all my life,the day i’m flustered by a woman is the day i see nia long in person again

stay strong, have patience and keep smiling. focus on taking care of you and your child…everything else will fall into place.

@ blackfujones to me i think u are basing one bad experience on all women most women do want to get married and just as well as some men do they wont admit that . but its more deadbeat dads than women personally. i can name a handful of men that dont hold up to their responsiblities and the women have to play both roles. thats why most women turn to other women because they feel more security amd support from their own kind

@softheartsista…its more deadbeat parents period, just bc the kid is with you does not mean your doing a standup job. I mean you can really say every female is doing a bangup job raising their kids these days? Hell sometimes the kids are better off being with someone else other than that single woman. So that whole notion of deadbeat dads can be applied to single women who suck at parenting

blackfujones: you didn’t offer me any words of confidence at all. you are acting all angry and bitter based of your perceptions of SOME people. Yes there are parents out there married AND single that do a horrible job at raising their children. That is a given with what we see kids doing today. However, I am not one of them. I know that I am a fantastic parent and provide a loving, caring, and nurturing home for my daughter.

Thank you to all of the other rational thinking commenters for your support, advice, and experiences I definitely appreciate it.

I leave for a week and return to find blackfujones still labeling women as “ill-equipped” for relationship. What does that mean? Every woman isn’t inundated with fantasies about her wedding and days like the Huxtables. The thought of such a commitment gives me hives, but that doesn’t preclude me from wanting a man just to be with, to grow with, to invest in a relationship with. And though I’m not looking for a husband, I’m not going to settle for any man.

@ the letter’s author

I agree with everything FG said. Be strong and be patient, Mami, an don’t all your single status to affect your confidence/pride. There are good, strong men out there who will be understanding and unintimidated.

“and don’t allow”

I hate typos.

@miss, like i stated before its not bitterness. You have one group “women” who get labeled as holier than thou,and you get “men” labeled as this sex starved/lack of commitment type of beings who dont know how to love and trust me it gets really old. So what do most do, they act the script which was given to them. If you believe im bitter thas fine,however there is plenty of truth in what i say and folks dont want to admit it.

thank you Reina.

black: still haven’t answered my question as to why this is so far fetched. everyone can agree that ‘nice guys finish last’ but that would be outrageous to apply that same theory to women right?

Interesting dialogue. Life is teaching me this….in most cases, the good men and women (good single mothers, in this case) just haven’t found each other yet. No one is perfect but most folks have plenty to offer/contribute in a relationship. Most who are still single just haven’t found the right match yet. Keep the faith.

why am i always missing the debates?? darnit…lol

like i will say again blakfujones .i still feel that you are basing you comments on one female that broke your heart. women outnumber men siglehandley. but still we are left with the brunt of raising your responblities when you say you are not ready to become a father, or you are on a mission to get your life toghter. i say put a lid on the man downstairs and we wont have babies rasing babies and single women out their looking for mister right or a missus right either. but that my opion just as well you have yours. deadbeat beat moms hmm i base that off of men who abandon their wives girlfriends and children for a women who has nothing to offer them they chose to give the chic (for example superhead) the world knowing her past and future wife her up and expect her to change but they would dog out lets say halle berry or whomever and leave her with a house full of kids, no way out and promises of the good life, but end up in the welare office beat her up or emotionally abuse her.right come again

@miss

i never said it was far fetched. what i simply stated was that women base their feelings off a fairy tale without any reality behind it

@sista,if that was the case luv i wouldnt be married right now. what i speak is the truth,if its 8979077097 women out here right now that are single/want a decent man/want a man who has some type of financial security/home/etc etc etc. why the hell is it that the profession im in the 75% of the males are single? u cant tell me all of em are sorry azz men

and lets stop the debate about whose the worst parent figure “male/female” bc both have their faults, i have my thoughts on why males do what they do and in some cases how the media/society/and the system is against males actually being in their childrens life.

i had to stop and think for a min you have a valid point there everyone has their faults . @ blackfujones