The Shady Father Strikes Again
Sep 23rd, 2008 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Letters
Comments (12)
Dear Fly Guy
I desperately need your opinion on this one. You see, I’m a twenty-five year old married mother of three. My oldest child (a four year old daughter) is not by my husband, but since she was six months old, he’s been her father. She’s his princess, and in her eyes he’s the world. Recently her father (my once-upon-a-time high school sweetheart) decided that he wanted to come back into my child’s life. Now he never had a logical reason (although I don’t see one for leaving a child) for leaving her. The only thing he offered as an explanation was that I refused to be with him, and continue to put up with his infidelity, mental and emotional abuse. At the time my daughter was conceived we were engaged to be married, but after finding out that his “last” act of infidelity produced a child that he hid for well past a year, I packed my things and left. For a while he acted as if he wanted to be in her life; went to the last doctor’s appointments and even cut the cord at her birth. But once he realized that I wasn’t moving back in, he cut out. For a while I was very angry with him. This was a child he’d been begging me to have since we were too young to think about being parents, and he left her. Not only did he leave her, but for the first year of her life, he rubbed it in that he gave his son the world and my child nothing. Once I overcame my anger, I was able to realize it was his lost, and that she had a father. Now I don’t feel it’s right for him to want to waltz back into her life. She doesn’t know him, and I don’t think it’s fair to my husband or me. I never begged him (or took him to court) to support his child. And although I do feel it would be wrong to deny her the right to know her biological father, I don’t think he means her any good. He’s a man, who I know for sure will never grow up. I don’t want my child to be a pawn in any of his games. I blame myself because I could have chosen better, but I need your opinion. Should I or shouldn’t I let him into her life.
Decisions to Make
Dear Decisions to Make,
At this point, there’s no need to let him back in your daughter’s life. You were right when you said that she deserves to know her biological father. But at age four, I hardly think she’s ready to be subjected to the confusion he seems to enjoy bringing to the table. Your husband is doing an admirable job stepping up to the plate and being her father. That’s all she needs right now … a good father. As a mother, it’s your responsibility to provide the safest, most stable environment for your daughter. And a life minus a drama-filled biological father seems like the best option until she’s old enough to understand the role each person has played in her life. Good luck and I hope this helps.
The Fly Guy
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Oh, wow. I have to ditto what FG said. Having a child allows you to be selfish. That child’s welfare must come first, and it seems that you’ve more than fair.
I have to agree hes been gone for four years, why let him back. Your husband is a good man, a rare man, but a good one….
And wow he rubbed it in that he did nothing for his little girl how sad of a person is he.
FG I have to disagree,now as a father of two beautiful girls I believe n the theory “the more love the better”. The past is just that,the past. You have to allow this man a chance to bond with this child,bc the only person who should have the right to refuse his love is that child. me and my brother threw my dad out at 12 and as we got older we gave him chances to step up yet he failed,however my mom neverintervened bc it was something we had to decide on our own. Same thing with my first daughter,her mom is nowwhere to be found,yet I never disallow her the right to love her. Children are much smarter than we give them credit for and they will see a fraud right off the bat. So allow that man every chance and let the child decide
If I wanted too I could tell my daughter to call my wife momma,however thas something my wife had to earn from my daughter not me. Maybe I’m biased bc I’ve already lived this scenario not once but twice. Trust me people you don’t want resentment from a child bc u took it upon yourself to say who he/she can love. As long as there is no physical/emotional traumu let the parent n child bond
This is hitting way too close to home. My daughter’s father refuses to be an active part of her life because his wife (they recently wed) is still upset over his infidelity and dishonesty that led to a child. He is also upset about paying child support. So he calls on holidays and her birthday to see her. I have never known my father at all. My mother said that I should never deny him the right to see his daughter. But this in and out of her life when he is only 20 minutes away isn’t healthy for her and it is confusing. A couple months ago my daughter kept racing to the door telling me to open it and grabbing her backpack because she thought her father was there. When I told her that he wasn’t she broke down in tears and it was the most heartbreaking moment of my life (I’m about to cry right now thinking about it). I am seriously considering not letting him back in to toy with her emotions. I understand what you are saying blackfujones but at what point do you say enough is enough?
@blackfujones,
I hear what you’re saying bruh, but I do have to respectfully disagree with you in this scenario. Mainly because this guy keeps trying to use the child as a way to get the woman back. That’s not someone who wants an honest relationship with his child…that’s someone using the child for personal gain. When you add his pattern of behavior on top of the fact that she doesn’t even know him, I think that she can be spared the drama at this point.
Not saying that she shouldn’t be given the right to know him when she’s older, but at age four it’s not necessary to introduce this new person. As a parent, you don’t necessarily lie to your kids about certain things, but at times you do make choices about things that they don’t need to hear or know about. I think that this is one of those cases where that rule applies. If the daughter already knew the father, then my answer might be different. But she doesn’t, so I stick by my answer.
We have people who are as old as 50 years old seeking for fathers/mothers cause they want a relationship with them. who cares if the child is 4 years old, a parent is a parent. that’s your OPINION, as it is just our OPINION, it aint gospel. My opinion; give the man a chance to know his child and SET THE BOUNDARIES so he understands his place and BEHAVES HIMSELF accordingly.
@Blackfujones, what is the little girls momma supposed to tell her daughter when that fool starts tripping again. I have a daughter, and it would hurt my heart to see her hurt like that…
@what
In time when that child becomes mature he/she will be able to make that decision
@Blackfu, “In time when that child becomes mature he/she will be able to make that decision”…we’re not talking about in time. The lady in the explanation said that the father wants to be in the childs life now!!! The child is only 4, how is she going to handle the rejection if she gets close to her father and he decides to leave again?
This is a tough one…I am a firm believer in keeping the father involved in the child’s life if he is willing. My biological father was kept out of my life (from age 6) despite his many attempts to communicate with me. I was raised by my stepfather, who adopted me. Once I left for college, my bio father sent a package containing over 20 letters that he mailed to me but that had been returned to him by my mother. I never knew he tried to contact me. It became a very confusing situation for me as an adult. As for my daughter, I plan to keep her connected to her father and his family, even though we are not together (but that’s because he is willing).
For “Decisions to Make” however, the situation is different. I’m concerned about the mental and emotional abuse. If he may truly bring her harm, then he should not be allowed into her life at this time. When she is old enough you can explain this to her, and then she can make her own decision about pursuing a relationship with him.
I know this is old, but I have to say something.
After reading a letter I don’t see where the father is NOW trying to get back with the mother. He was when their daughter was a baby, and that was wrong, but without a letter from him, I can’t say that he didn’t grow up and didn’t realize the error he made.
This letter is from the mother’s point of view, and I say all of this as a single mother myself. I know women once scorn do vengeful things in the name of “protecting our children” when subconciously we’re taking out our last bit of anger on the man who hurt us.
If this woman is not careful, she’ll only end up hurting her daughter and herself. She says her new husband is a father to this girl, do we have any proof the 4-year-old would see it this way? Can we be sure that she isn’t afraid her husband is upset by the return of her ex? I’m not calling this woman a bad mother, because heaven knows I can’t stand men who walk out on their children.Yet, I’m also a woman who has seen enough to know women and mothers aren’t always as selfless and protective of our children as we believe ourselves to be.
Lastly, if all the facts in her letter are true, I still support this letter girl being allowed to know her dad. For better or worse, he is her father, she’ll have questions about him and she’ll need to see him in onl a way he can provide. She seems blessed to have a mother and step-father who can counteract whatever negativity he biological father might bring in, but lets remember we don’t know this man and he might not bring any negativity.
When its decided that children should be placed with their mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, fathers whomever, you never know what they’re going to get. We expect that each one will provide the child with the possitivity and structure they need to become productive adults, but their isn’t a law or golden rule that declares women or mothers only know best!
I’m 32 and I love my daughters, (ages 5 and 2), their father and I are not together, we “deal” with each other maturely and purely for the sae of our daughters. We are painstakingly careful they do not pick up on our personal history and the feelings that result from that. He is not perfect, nor am I, but when I look at my girls, listen to their little conversations, and watch them grow, I know thanks to the both of us, they will be better than him or me, and as a parent that’s all I can pray for. I want them to look at their parents with love and admiration but also with understanding and motivation.
I’m a believer that in order not to make the same mistakes twice or generationally, you have to see the mistakes for what they’re worth. Not sugarcoat them, life isn’t how we’d like it or sugarcoated.