Is It Ok To Have A Back Up Plan?

Don’t most people have backup plans like this?

I was under the impression that people have teams of people they date and will only really settle down with one once they’re ready to get married.

(Which is why I don’t really date, LOL I hate the idea of being on someone’s team.)

Seriously though, I’ve never met a male that didn’t keep keep a few females in the wings at a time…

First thing I thought of was Chris Rock…d–k in a glass, break in case of emergency. lol. I can understand the argument for it, though. You wouldn’t end up lonely or alone if things didn’t work out. I think it would also depend on how serious the relationship was. If just casual dating, then why not? If it’s a serious committment, then the “side” could cause problems on several levels. But to use it as a threat? Not cool. Doesn’t leave much room for mistakes and growth of the relationship. For me personally, no thanks. I enjoy learning about one person at a time…I feel more present with that one person than if I were distracted by another or others. I enjoy giving my time to one, and I enjoy it when that is reciprocated. BTW, does the back up plan know that he/she is the back-up? That’s kinda messed up if they don’t.

A classic case of a person sharing entirely too much information. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with having a person ‘waiting in the wings’ so to speak, but once the relationship starts to progress and become serious, I think it’s time to let that person go.

FG
All the flack I get about some of the tomfoolery that women(in you case) has been confirmed by your story. I’ve heard that garbage before as well and had to keep it moving. Sounds like a certain women I know who keeps different men for different occasions bc she thinks we aren’t “capable” enough for her

Basically everybody saying the same thing. It’s okay as long as it just dating and isn’t anything serious. But how do you get serious when you have other people getting your attention too? I over analyzed everything, so I would have to know what my position was so I would know how to play it. Am I a bench warmer? The starting line up?

I was never taught this and people have always thought I was crazy for not dating more than one person at the same time in case one started to malfunction. I tried once and it was a hassle to me and seemed dishonest.

@kanisa,not all people and especially not all men have 649592 women on the side when they’re dating. I’ve never been a compulsive dater(I find it quite unappealling). I would go on group outtings, or just hang out on occasions with people but never exclusively date people

@nikki. To me dating uses up way too much energy. Would rather just live my life n be cool with folks until I found one person to court/date/love/marry. All n that order too. Lol

@ ms. miss

See we can agree on somethin,even tho u think I’m a scumbag

wow… really? That doesn’t make much sense to me. I mean what’s the use of even dating if you have that kind of mentality? Color me stupid but I always thought you date to find someone to share your life with and all that other crap (LOL) but if you got someone waiting in the wings, are you even really looking for that? Iono, i guess that way you’d never be lonely, but it kind of sounds like someone who is afraid to be alone..

I am very young but have seen a lot of relationships end (my own as well as others). I believe that a lot of women and also men have this back up plan “person”. I am for certain that this back plan ruins lives and relationships because whether either party knows they are a back up plan this means that they (person having a back up person) will hold back their heart back from the new person coming into their lives. It’s funny how we want to protect ourselves from the one thing that we know for certain will happen. Getting Hurt there is no way to avoid it but keep going out there open to all relationships that’s how we learn.

@ BlackfuJones,
You Cheap.
Love Nikki

FG – I think the mistake she made was in telling you about the backup plan. Sometimes ignorance truly IS bliss.

But on the other hand – you have to respect her honesty. A woman who would tell a man that (knowing about men’s pride, and all) just might be a keeper – he knows he can trust what she says.

I don’t think it’s a problem with having a back up plan…when you’re dating people. But that wouldn’t be a back up plan–just other people that you are dating.

That’s not what she was saying though. She gave the impression of being involved within someone, and having that person on the side waiting for if/when things went bad. Too me that’s bad business. And anyone that goes into a relationship thinking it’s going to fail shouldn’t be in it to begin with.

@ms. kimba412, yeah, she should have kept that to herself.

And then also, I’m not sure we’d have a varied opinion on this type of topic…might be preaching to the chior a bit…lol

If she said she had a back of plan when dating exculsively, chick was crazy…1 for admitting it and 2 for even having a plan like that.

I’m not sure if that was what she meant…

@KaNisa,

If only it were that easy. I made sure to get clarity before I jumped to any type of conclusions. She meant when having a boyfriend and dating exclusively…that’s what her mother taught her.

i thought that honestly to when a man starts to act up you are soppuse to bring out the black book of numbers that you kept stashed away , me personally i find that irrating because you are competion for a race that you may never win and im not a team player if your mine that it their wont be any larry or derricks lurking in the woodworks. just like it better be no keysha or mellisa stashed in your cellphone

probably her mom was single mom for life with dudes constantly changing, this is why such insecurity, because obviously a person voicing that kind of things on a date is actually insecure of being alone, or as a second thought it was a smart way to dump you LOL. It’s ok to date more than one person, after all you want a good deal not the first available, but once you made your choice, it’s just would take too much energy to keep both relationship alive, and it’s very disrespectful to both partners, needless to say mutual love is not around in this case.

With that clarification, FG, that type of “back-up plan” is not ok IMO. Just isn’t genuine or respectful.

I had this conversation with a guy at work

I just don’t see the point

I was taught not to “put all my eggs in one basket”….I understand it’s smart not to put your life and heart on the line for someone who isn’t worth it and/or isn’t willing to do the same for you, but I think having a “Vice-boyfriend” is, like Fly Guy said, going into the relationship with the expectation that it’s not going to work. How can you truly allow yourself to fully care about someone if you have all these other people in the corner? I found that having a “team” of guys confused me and I couldn’t really get to know or appreciate either of them bc I was comparing them to each other.

@nikki
quite the contrary maam. really i try to spend as little as possible when i first meet someone, for one it makes me think outside the box instead of the same old bland “dinner/movie” or “drinks/club” which is the worst place to have a first date.
sometimes it would be a park, or go check out the dusable museum,or take a ride on the ferry around chicago to see african american art stuff like that,i think outside the box

still wub u tho

this girl sounds like me only difference is i would not share it over dinner..the reason y i always have a backup plan is becauase i dont want to get hurt when things fall apart.. i dont go into relationships thinking that they will fail but there is just that need to protect myself if things do go bad..i need to know that there is a way out which is in my control..you may think i am crazy but i cannot help myself..

lmao that saying is new to me FG, i have never in my life heard that before, yeah i have heard keep ya a back up plan when it come to money but a backup man lmmfao i have heard it all imma get me one, see how hubby like that idea….

(just wanted to join the discussion…i posted my response on TUB…)

this is out of control. the truth is it happens…a lot. i think a lot of men and women have “backup plans.” It’s an insult to me. I don’t wanna be with the person who’s waiting for things to get f’d up. I want to be with someone who is geniune and not afraid to really love. i guess most people now-a-days are just looking for someone to be with. someone to have fun and kick it with. don’t get me wrong…you definitely need to be able to have fun and kick it with your man/woman but i don’t think many people are focused on love. the ones that are don’t have “back up” plans.

to the chick that actually told you she had a “back up” plan: if that’s what your mama taught you the least she could’ve done was told you to keep that ish to yourself and that it’s not appropriate to discuss on diner dates! smh

sad…just sad.

@blackfujones: I don’t think you’re a scumbag, you just remind me of someone is all.

The only people that I’ve met that don’t have backup plans are people who are not ready to settle down. This includes both men and women. And frankly, it has included more men.

I’ve personally only employed the back-up plan when the committed relationship I was in was going poorly. I sat old dude down, listed my issues, and told him he had three months to show improvement. Does looking for other options during boyfriend probabtion count as having a backup plan?

I’ve always had a back up plan, even got one now that I’m dating two people. It is merely as a way to protect myself. I do try to open my self up to each new person I’m dating, and I try not to think about the end. But I know I’m not ready to get married. Till I meet a man that I could see myself with till death do us part, I’ll always have a back up plan.

i have heard of this before. how serious was she actually revealing that to you tho. I mean that was just an idiotic move. What person tells a prospect that there will always be someone else on call? That leads to trust issues from the door.

@atlcutie. I just never saw the point n that. Hell y date that person then. IMO thas too much energy wasted. If I wanna sex someone then thas all ill do,if I wanna have a chic to go clubbin with ill have her for that. Yet when I dated someone I KNEW she fit the bill for all of that.

W

Wow !!! this is a really good topic.I for you do not think having a back up for “just in case” things do not work out situations.I was the type to just date one man at a time, until my own grandfather told me to always keep a spare tire ,when that one goes flat and he is a 81 year old man.Its ok while just dating and not while in a serious relationship and the backup knows he/she is a backup and you are theres.Two decisions agreed by both mature adults.

Ok. I’m late to the discussion. So? I have never felt the need for a backup plan because a relationship isn’t a MUST in my life. If it doesn’t work out, shake it off and keep it moving. I have too many responsibilities to keep track of one relationship. More than one is a bit suicidal, and I, for one, will not stretch myself thin.

However, when it’s just “dating” and nothing exclusive, I don’t consider that back-up plans, merely exploring all options.

Guess I think of “dating” different reina bc to me dating folks wastes to much energy so thas y I don’t give any inch of commitment when I hung out with women. Guess I look at it differently

That was very disrespectful.. I’ve always been one to date one person at a time just because I believe that if I’m dating you then you must be special enough for me to give you all of my attention even if it doesn’t work out…at least I know that if it doesn’t (work out) that I gave my all. I’ve never been a woman to have another man waiting in the wings..that makes no sense to me.

I feel that in this day and time, we truly have a very sad way of viewing dating, relationships and even marriage. I understand the fear that is out there of being hurt and disappointed, but her way of thinking is very unacceptable. What is the emergency man for….random sex? How can you truly be dedicated to making a relationship work if you you have someone waiting….”just in case the one you have is acting up”. Even if your man does act up….her way of thinking leads me to believe that she is a needy woman that does not love herself enough to be alone for a while until the right one comes alone. Yes, I do NEED a black man….but I don’t need to have any black man. And if the black man that I have right now is not THE black man for me….I’m not about to degrade myself by always having one available to fill in until the next one comes alone. You’ll find that you’ve had quite a few up in you if you have that type mentality.

[shrugs] did you ask her for an operational definition????

but then again then again the “tucked” away part makes it a bit mischievous.

but what else did she say, does she follow what her mum says. is it emotional, thought, or shes also dating them?

Shut the Front Door!

Its cool to think this way, however, some things are better left unsaid… Smh

(Sidenote) Somebody get her a clue!

exactly! Zee, did she really have to say that? maybe she figured he would step his game up? i guess…i’m still trying to make sense of it. hmmmmm i wonder if i’m someones back up?!? see this is why i hate dating lmao

I say keep it to yourself. If you got it like that you don’t have to talk to anyone else while you are dating because you can pull another one the same day and if need be, a man that you used to talk to will want you at the drop of a dime if you call him. Well that might just be me. If you’re THE ISH or even soemthin close to it LOL men are waiting for you to be available. Same thing goes for the men, especially black men