A Manly Apology

Yo, I can relate to this one. I had a girl do me like this for a minute, and then finally I had to say peace. I hate getting strung along by indecisive women.

*Stands up and applauds* kudos FG. I think more women need to see how they can play when it comes to men. We always get labeled as the ones who play games. It goes both ways though

I can’t front. I’ve done this before. But it was just because I had been through so much stuff in the past. So when you finally meet a man that you think is good, you want to go extra slow just to be sure that you aren’t falling for the same old thing again. This puts it in a different light though, because you never think about how the other side is taking it.

This is why some folks don’t believe males and females could be just friends, but that’s another story. This was a good post though. I think females have a indecisive chip implanted in their brain when they are younger.Glad i’m not one, LMAO.

But question why is that men stay they are cool with being in the friend role knowing damn well they arent? You are kind of setting yourself up for the fail aren’t you?

So…she said that she wanted you to be her friend first to which you agreed, and when that began to happen, you’re upset that she’s not moving quicker?

It seems to me you made the right decision to cut your losses.

@Bahama,

I think a lot of men say that, because they don’t think it’s something that they’ll ever have to answer to. Is it right? No, but I believe that’s the thinking behind it.

Seriously, men make no sense to me.

@Reina,

I think that’s why it’s important to have these types of discussions, because if you look at the two people being described here, both of their actions are somewhat confusing. It’s not just a one way “men make no sense” issue. You can’t just write it off as such as relationships are never that black and white.

The guy admittedly lies to her so she can hear what she wants. She behaves accordingly, starts to desire more time with him, but he doesn’t want to give it to her because she hasn’t “chosen” him. Did I miss something?

yes, I think you did. It’s not just a one-sided, it’s his fault type of conversation.

I think that on the woman’s side she was wrong for stringing him along. If it was just that she was taking a long time to decide if she wanted to be with him, then that’s one thing.

But from his letter, she’s obviously demanding more from him. She’s demanding his attention like he is her man, but when it’s time for her to commit as such, she wants to throw out the whole “getting to know you” flag.

If she expects him to act like her man, then she can’t have it both ways. It doesn’t work like that.

I think both sides are wrong. I really like when he said “I wanted a woman in my life that was also my friend … not the other way around.”

That’s how I feel. I want a man who is also my friend. I’m not looking for any friend who can slide into the man role. It seems like semantics, but it’s a big difference to me. I want someone that is apllying for the job of being my woman. Not someone who was just around and was like, “oh well, we’re friends, so we might as well do something too.” I’ll pass on that.

Sorry FG but I am sorta on the fence on this one but kinda siding with Reina. She stated exactly what she wanted. That was a very solid decision she made to develop a friendship first with this man. Doesn’t seem like she was ‘Let’s see where things go’ she was very direct and clear about that. The man lies about being okay with being friends and then gets upset with not conquering her in 4 months. How was she stringing him along again?

@Ms. Miss,

What you and Reina are missing is the fundamental point of the man’s side in this. It’s one thing to be interested in someone but then decide to take your time in getting to know them. That’s cool, and I have no problem with that stance.

The problem comes in with her actions after that. If you need time, then take your time, but in the meantime it’s unfair to expect him to play the boyfriend role while you figure it out. He says as much when he asks “Why do you demand my attention like I’m your man, yet I never receive any of the benefits that would befit your king? ”

To me demanding such, negates your whole argument of strictly wanting to be friends while you decide if you want to take it to the next level. She’s trying to have her cake and eat it too, which makes the situation unfair.

I get what your saying/trying to explain FG but i think what the other ladies are saying is she told him from the break she didn’t want anything serious or whatever yet the guy is still “pressuring” her, asking about where they stand. So then that leads the female to think well he want’s something more but she’s not sure if she does but yet she still goes ahead and kind of leads him even though she told him she only wants to be friends. So when she gets uncomfortable or confused about her feelings she goes back to the we’re just friends thing.

Did that make any sense? LOL

I could see that side if she became angry with him for not giving her attention, but your post doesn’t state that. She wants attention. He gives it to her in hopes it will change her mind or whatever. Unless she’s been controlling his actions, behaving like a jealous girlfriend, I have no sympathy. He did it to himself. She seems to have been upfront the entire time.

@ Bahama,

it doesn’t make sense, and the reason why is because of the old adage “actions speak louder than words.”

So she can say friends, friends, friends until she’s blue in the face, but if she is expecting him to act like her man (which he suggests that she does), then those actions trump her words any day of the week.

@ Reina

The guy uses the words “demanding my attention”

To me that says it all. That’s not someone who would just like it if he called or spent time with her. The word “demanding” speaks alot for the role that she tries to get him to play in her life minus the commitment.

What I find interesting, and I’m glad this case study proves it, is how men and women view things depending on who the situation involves.

How many times have you heard this same story, only the roles were reversed and it was the woman who was dealing with a man who wanted her to act like his woman without the commitment? I believe that if I had switched it, and titled it “A Woman’s Apology” instead, then your focus would have been on the woman deciding that she needed to walk away from an indecisive man, versus her originally saying that she was cool with developing a friendship only to back out after he kept her in an extended holding pattern.

Yea actions do speak louder than words and your right she is having her cake and eating someone else’s too. But the female mind is how should i say this?? Complex, we figure if we tell you something your suppose to remember what it is we said w/o us having to say it again even if we do the opposite. I mean I understand both sides of this story and like Mz.Cheif said both sides are wrong. He shouldn’t have said he was cool with being friends and she should have stuck to treating him as just a friend..

Oh wah, wah, wah.

If she’s as indifferent to him as he’s alluding to, why even apologize? She couldn’t care less. If I know someone is going to give me something, I will take it. If she took advantage of him in anyway, he allowed it. She likes him, enjoys his company. Otherwise, why would she demand it? If he wanted to help push the relationship forward, he should’ve just made himself unavailable to her. Either she would’ve realized what she has in front of her or found someone else to take his place. He would’ve found out where he stood by either response.

Instead, he wrote a letter and closed it with “The Good Man That Was Supposed To Be Hard To Find That You Actually Found.” That was spiteful and immature and a lie. He lied and misled her. If he wasn’t capable of being her friend, he should’ve just said so.

I guess I get it but as far as ‘playing the boyfriend’ role I need more specifics. I have a best friend that happens to be male and I will be damned if I don’t demand his attention. If he was doing stuff like going to church with me, taking my daughter to the bouncy place with me, visiting with my family, picking up tampons for me then okay, that is playing the BF role. But if we are together in a crowded place and I want you to stick by my side doesn’t really mean much to me…

I get what the overall point is which I agree but with these particular scenario I’m not seeing it.

and why the picture of Ron Mexico?

@ Ms. Miss,

Oh that was the press conference where he was giving his famous apology…lol

@Reina,

How can you honestly say that it’s ok for someone to abuse their power in a relationship? Doing something just because you can does not make it ok…ever.

I’M HEEEEEEEERE BAHAMA, WHAT’S POPPIN”

I didn’t say it was okay. I said he allowed it.

I have been on the side of the woman and my mother called me out and told me to “woman up” and make a decision on being with this man. So I did and as of right now we aren’t together but still friends. But I can say that he did show me what I should and shouldn’t accept from a man.

lol he needs to go listen to cassie’s unofficial girl, cuz he’s an unofficial boy.

so he should ask, how long is this friend thing to last first

if not keep ure friend, and find a different girlfriend. or ditch her if u know u wont handle being her friend [shrugs]

Women aren’t the only ones to do this. My ex, well we would break up and make up off and on, he did this to me. We would spend alot of time together so “we could see where things went” I fell for it and he got the best of both worlds, all of me and none of the real commitment. It hurts to think about it, I know he was seeing other women while we were supposedly figuering things out. I decided to cut my losses too and am grateful for it!

Fly Guy is this about you? I wish I could find a man this like. I feel like I’ve been in these relationships in the past. Eventually the friendship ended b/c the relationship ended when we tried to be more than friends and it didn’t work or b/c we didn’t try and one or the other wanted to be more than just friends. I hate complications. I just like for people to be upfront and real.

First, homeboy was wrong for saying he wanted to be her friend when that was not what he wanted. The woman was also wrong for not thoroughly addressing his issues when he kept pressing her, because that was clue number 1 that he wasn’t doing stuff for her because he was a friend, but because he wanted more. And by more, I think it’s safe to say sex. Because unless a man (or woman) has made a committment to live a celibate lifestyle, a few months is usually the longest someone will go without getting some. So, he needs to just build a bridge and get over it as for not getting the sex. He didn’t understand the woman’s equation: Time to sex = time of friendship only period + normal wait time til consummation during relationship. If he wanted something different, he had every right to leave, but don’t throw a hissy fit because you didn’t get what you wanted.

This is really goood!
Flyguy, I LOVE this blog, very good advise and topics…

People need to just be honest about what they want. It would save alot of time and frustration and pain if you just tell the person, I like you but i’m scared… and let them take it from there

@Just a Thought

Exactly what I was thinking. Its safe to say this guy is mad cuz homegirl wasted four months of phone calls, dinners, hanging at the house, movies, lunch dates and all day texting without “rewarding” him with the Good Good. THIS is what frustrates men about the friend phase. Had she been giving it up, I’m sure he wouldn’t complain about the time and blah blah blah if he was smashing her like he wanted to be.

Is he impatient because he wants to be the one she tells all her porblems too? Shares her triumphs with? Wakes up n goes to sleep with his voice in her ear? Goes to the boring anniversay parties of her great-aunt n uncle? Cook her dinner, etc? Cuz that’s what the man in your life does, as well as being intimate. Friends hang out with you at movies n share funny stories n get no late night action. IMO

I feel this so much…maybe it’s a sign for me to move on. I never said i wanted to be “just friends” though. sigh…oh well his loss!

good lawd,finally its been posted. In regards to women and their relationship woes, I know way too many females who suffer from this. The rush and commit to the crappy guys,yet seems like their feet are in quicksand when a decent guy is at their feet. As i always did,i kept it moving. I’m trying to be ya man,and as our relationship grows so will our friendship,and not vice versa. Women got it twisted

@Miss & Reina

problem is when we say we’re cool with friendship,that just tells me at the particular time that I’m going to play the field right then and there. It’s too much wasted energy on trying to figure out when you wanna stop being friends and try to move forward,when jane down the street wants a man and not a friend

I think a lot of women are missing the point on this one FG. Clearly He states in the first line that there was a mutual attraction between the two of them. She then states that there will be no relationship at all without a friendship first which is fine, because that’s what relationships need is friendship first everything else second. However, she crosses the line when her “actions” want more but her voice says otherwise.

What I think He means about “demanding” his attention is holding her, being next to her possibly kissing and touching but no sex. So he’s just telling her he’s ready for a relationship and she’s still confused after 4months. So when he states to her being her friend he has enough of them, he’s putting his foot down that he wants more if you’re not ready for that fine, but do not ask me to hold you, kiss you,etc… if you really want to be my friend don’t lead me in a direction of it being more.

One last statement for the women speaking on he’s upset about not getting none “all work and no play” it’s not always only about sex with men, so view it like this What you have between your legs is like gold /platinum, or diamonds. The longer the treasure hunter seeks the treasure the better the reward when he gets it

FG

Thanks for beakin it down bruh. Before i was in my situation now i was with a woman who did the exact same thing. Wanted to take it slow n just be friends,yet wanted to know why i didnt take her anywhere. My rationale was when i have friends we see each other on a “some-timey” basis so we communicate by phone/email/etc. but she wanted to bypass that and wanted her cake n eat it too.Which i found ironic bc when I wanted to hang she didnt,yet she wanted to hang etc when she wanted to. A selfish act if u ask me

@ Reina

You are definately ornery maam.lol
Seems like you have difficulties looking in someones elses perception at times. Fact is,she did lead him on,if she wanted a friend she wouldve gotten a dog. But in fact she wanted a man,that she could fall back on,yet not call her man bc shes scared he may hurt her.W/e the case may be the woman in the letter doesnt deserve a mate bc shes not ready to “receive” her mate

@ blackfu

My response to that is to be on your merry way. I am one of those women who wants a friendship before a relationship, and I do not guarantee that it will evolve into such. Every man who admits an interest is told that. If he respects that, I’m happy about it, but I don’t dictate that he isn’t to see other women, etc. If he meets another girl who’s ready, fine. My loss, but don’t lie saying you respect it when you’re really just plotting.

@ darkcapricorn

You’re making assumptions and basing them in the male favor. I can’t respond to that.

@darkcapricorn82

Yeah I agree. That first part was overlooked by most.

@blackfujones

yeah there are a lot of instances of women who expect men to play the boyfriend role without the commitment, just like there are men who expect women to do the same thing.

The funny part is that both sides are doing it, but we only care to look at it from our perspective. That’s why I said in one of my earlier comments that I’m pretty sure that the comments would have been different if it would have been titled “A Womanly Apology” with a picture of Marion Jones…lol

Oh, boo FG

@Reina,

You know it’s the truth.

Lol @women actually thinking the mans mad for not getting none,newsflash have folks noticed that the amount of single women/single males are drastically different these days and males are the ones pickin in choosin who they take to the boom boom room.
Besides the not getting sex part,what the women dont get is that the female in the scenario was playing both sides of the fence. She wanted a friend,yet wanted the friend to give her “quality time”. and it dont work that way. Its obvious n the scenario that the guy was willing to say n do anything just to get over that hump we call “the friend zone”. When in all actuality he shouldve been playing the field the whole time and allowed his friend to see him with his woman

and Reina i respect that.
however dont expect time from me,bc like i said the minute u say friends is the minute your time gets cut into sections and rationed out

Honestly, I wouldn’t have. I say similar things to my female friends who give it up to men after the first date and then don’t wife them. He made no promises to you. You thought your actions would solidify the result you want. That’s their own fault.

A person shows you who they are. All you have to do is ignore your desires and observe their actions/words. The issue is most people ignore or make excuses for any situation that differs from what they want.

@ blackfu

That’s honest. And if I find that I miss you, I’ll ask for more time with you. If you don’t give it to me, that’s my loss.

@Reina
now the sex part i dunno,bc i dont equate sex with love.but thas just me i view it as only a physical act.

Seems like at times people are to busy waiting for someone to screw up and end up missing out on the good stuff

@Reina
and thas how it should be played,however you have many males who are so accustomed to “re-acting” instead of being “pro-active”. It should be certain things that you as a woman/male wont stand for. And one of em for me was wasting energy. I know i probably lost a few good ones,hell almost lost my wife bc of her barriers. but once that person sees your gone,their attitude changes quickly

I can only speak for me, I’m not waiting for him to screw up when I request friendship. I value my time, and I don’t believe a few dates show you exactly who a person is. Everyone puts on a facade. I find growing a friendship lets people be who they are without fear of rejection. I’m an observer. I want as many experiences to evaluate as possible. Some guys have stuck around; some haven’t. Oh, well.

As for sex, I do equate sex with love because I love myself. And not just any guy can have me.

Blackfu:

Do you know me or one of my co-workers? That is one of my main viewpoints in every aspect of my life. I believe in being proactive rather than reactive. That’s why I’m upfront and allow him to decide if he wants to invest energy with me. You may be physically attracted to me, but get to know me. There’s so much more to me as I’m sure there is to you. His choice.

im sorry Reina but your looking for someone whose gonna actually sit n wait on you while the seasons change,and although thas wishfull thinking,you cant fault a person for just throwin up his arms n going to someone whose gonna take a chance. Bc in reality thas what the start of any relationship,be it frienship or monogamous,starts. With a leap of faith,hence why i said ive only had 2 gf’s in my entire life,bc i know how big of a risk it is

I haven’t used the word “wait.” I don’t ask him to wait. Wait implies resting on your laurels while I review your credit report. Wait implies that there will be a relationship after so much time lapses. Neither of those are true.

Ok so I can relate to the “guy” in this post. I have no problem being “just friends” but when we start to naturally progress it’s like…ok where is this going? You’re demanding more from me. you expect more from me…you know I want more from you so what’s the problem?

I am also a firm believer that TWO PEOPLE CANNOT BE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PARTY LIKES THE OTHER. It’ll never work because that person will always be waiting on the day that they become more than friends until they’re totally frustrated with the situation and cuts them off…at least until they’re completely over that person.

FLYGUY you are right both men and women are guilty of doing this. Why? I guess we’ll never REALLY know but for me past experiences seem to always play a part in this situation.

I understand that this was a hypothetical but it sux that women who don’t deserve the “good man” end up with him and treat him like crap then send him off to the next woman all tainted and scarred.

I know i’m late but that just my opinion.

thas all im saying @nicole.
hence why i never got tangled up n things like that at all.bc its just too much energy wasted to me. and it does taint peoples views after awhile

so reina how does your process go,seems as if a lot of time is involved

@blackfujones

I feel where you are coming from and def agree with what you are saying.

there’s a difference in us being just friends and us being friends because we are attracted to each other and want to see where this goes.

It is a risk. If you just want to be friends the hell yeah time gets “broken up and rationed out” but if you are a potential bf/gf then i’m spending MORE TIME to see what we can make of this and if it’s nothing…LET ME KNOW. Alot of time and effort goes into getting to know a potential gf/bf and if that’s not the direction we’re headed for then i’ll deal with you accordingly. We may still end up being very good friends it’s just my approach would be different.

(sorry for the long responses. i’ve been wanting to get at this post all day had a lot going on at work…lol)

“TWO PEOPLE CANNOT BE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PARTY LIKES THE OTHER. ”

OKKKKKKKKAYYYY!!!! farreal..lol that is SO true.

I didn’t ignore mutual attraction, but really, if I was not attracted to a man, there would be no need to state that we are only friends because that’s all he would be. I wouldn’t call on him for that quality time, nor would I allow him to progress in that direction. If he brought the issue up, I’d let him know (I’ve had to do this before) and draw back a little so that there were clear boundaries.

There isn’t a “process.” If there’s a guy that I KNOW I’m NOT interested in, he’ll be aware of that ASAP. However, if there’s a guy that I see potential with, I’ll let him know that but I make sure he knows that I’m not going to jump into it. I don’t jump into most things. And he’s free to date anyone else with, and I do not expect him to behave like my significant other meanwhile.

I’ve had relationships where the guy was my friend for a couple of years before we ended up in that relationship. During that time, we were both dating other people, and our friendship started because he wanted to date me. I wasn’t ready for that, and he was told. That ended up being my best relationship.

I’ve also ended up in a relationship with a guy I knew for two weeks. That relationship lasted about six weeks because though we were sexually attracted to each other, there were parts of both our personality that were combustible.

This is how I operate. I recommend it to no one.

@Just A Thought

That’s all there is to it. And on the flipside…

If I’m feeling someone and start to notice that they’re not feeling me in that same way then I tend to fall back. What’s the point in waisting energy on something that’s not going where you’re trying to PUSH it. We can be friends…eventually…but I hope you haven’t grown too attached to that EXTRA ATTENTION you were getting homie cause it’s gone.

@reina

seems like your process has been failure after failure(no offense tho)
however i admire you for your persistance bc i took the same stance.first its loving yourself,and the position in life your at.then having a rock solid agenda on how your going to find a mate,and staying steadfast to it.
so although i said its been a failure,i know from my experience i wouldve said its success bc u stayed true and that person who has that same agenda etc is going to fall right in line.

@nicole
thas what im saying,i almost got body slammed bc i wasnt spending that time,yet i immediately brought up that i was nothing but her “friend”. funny thing is she tried to use sex as a way to keep me,yet she didnt realize we were still just friends. just bc she gave me some butt doesnt negate the fact that she wasnt on the same page as me

It’s only a failure if I were desiring my relationships to morph into marriage. Since I am not looking for marriage, I view my relationships as lessons as to what I need to improve on and better definitions of what I want in a guy. And only one of my relationships ended badly. I’m still friends with all of my ex’s except one.

The point of this post was she pointed out AT THE BEGINNING that she wanted to BE friends first, he agreed but had no attention of abiding by said agreement, and allowed her to treat him as if he was her main other. It’s not right that she did it, but he allowed her to. So he can’t be upset when she never said that giving her extra attention assured a relationship. He should feel taken advantage because he was. I believe in personal responsibility though. I still have no sympathy and he should’ve cut his losses sooner. 4 months?!? Seriously. He allowed his hopes to overshadow reality.

Now I’m going home. See you guys back here tomorrow.

blah reina

your still wrong

ornery self

@blackfujones

oooohh….you bad

and she was dumb for thinking that sex would keep a man. Everybody knows that doesn’t work. I’m sure she realized she made a mistake and was probably trying to “fix” things. I guess it was too late.

@nicole
Dunno what she thought but she ran into a guy who can detach love from sex. She prolly felt what she gave was out of love,in my head I think a persons gives sex out of lust. So I couldn’t connect with her when she gave it up. However she couldve felt where I was comin from when we initially got up but I was just a friend. Lol

Developing relationships experience ebbs and flows. Time is what it takes to learn each other and determine if there is enough desire to make a relationship work. Should both parties enter honestly and communicate at every stage of the process it is all good. But relationships end often for valid reasons. After spending time, one or both parties have determined that this is not working for them. Letting go then becomes the challenge. It is perfectly okay to change your mind and end things. I for one appreciate when it is done respectfully and honestly.

@blackfujones

poor girl…SMH

it’s a combination for me…love & lust. unfortunately i haven’t mastered the art of separating the two…not really sure if i want to.

I’m mad I missed this convo. My job blocked most of the sites, so I haven’t been able to log on to the internet like I usually can. I just wanted to say that I feel like women can have such a double standard. How dare any woman take up for this woman!!! I bet you wouldn’t be talking that same noise if it was a dude stringing a woman along. You ladies trip me out with that.

LOL Davey Boy, double standards are just the way it is..and both of the people in this story were wrong

Bahama, I don’t disagree. But you don’t need to be telling me that. You need to be telling all of the women in this post that automatically sided with the woman. Just crazy.

Ok…thanks to the men of this board, I’m pretty sure I understand now. U guys are right…women want the cake and eat it too. So maybe she should have called this phase in which she’s feeling him out ‘dating’ instead of ‘friendship’? Then maybe he wouldn’t have felt he was wasting his time.

But I’m sure someone said earlier (as I’m too lazy to go back and find taht quote at the moment) that as the relationship grows then so will the friendship, not the other way around and that confuses me. How do you get into a relationship with someone if you’re not friends first?

Ok Ive been reading this post
And I liked it.
Im so feeling Reina Responses
FG and Blackfujones…. are not reading what she is writing. WELL Mainly BLACKFUJONES……
All Reina is stating is that…. She lets her male friends know what the deal is up front. there is nothing wrong with that. Because she is communicating with them and ISNT THAT THE KEY into not having hurt feelings and etc.

So I handle my male friends and the men i spend time with just like you…. these males just need to get with the program and stop tryna play like they didnt know what was up from the jump