Can A Man Really Express Heartbreak?
Aug 26th, 2008 | Author: The Fly Guy | Category: Fly Perspectives
Comments (35)
There was no mistaking the words pumping out of my speakers. These were the distinctive sounds of a man experiencing a foreign emotion. Heartbreak.
“She said that she would be with me forever,” he lamented. “She said I’m in love with you. She said now baby don’t forget … that no one’s going to love you more than I do.”
She lied…
As the shuffle function on my iPod doubled back, and played the song once more, the singer’s pain sank even deeper into the recesses of my soul. The more he sang and pleaded his case for the world to hear, the more it became all too clear that this was nothing more than a songwriter’s fantasy. This would never fly in real life. Why not? Well consider the following:
Do men hurt? Yes.
And is it possible for a man to have his heart irreversibly broken? Absolutely.
But is it also possible for that same man to freely express how crushing the blow was to his psyche without any backlash or his manhood being questioned? Absolutely not.
My first experience with this fundamental lesson about manhood came when my own heart was once broken. The fact that she cheated on me was as shocking as it was crippling … and as unfair as it was embarrassing. How could she have done that to me? In her defense, she pled “guilty by reason of mental defect.” She said that she had realized long ago that she was incapable of being completely faithful to a man. And that even though I had given her everything she could possibly ever hope for in a man, something inside of her still made her want to cheat.
True story.
For the first couple of days following her admission, I was a wreck. But who wouldn’t have been? I even stayed to myself during that period, not wanting to speak to anyone, until my brother finally broke the silence.
“You straight man?”
“Yeah, I’m cool man,” I responded. “She messed me up pretty bad with this one though. So I’m just taking some time to get myself back together again.”
“Oh ok,” he replied blankly. “So…………………….we’re about to go watch the game. Are you coming?”
And that was that. Did my hurt or confusion cease simply because neither he nor any of my friends or family wanted to give me an audience for me to play the victim? Not at all. And over time, I did eventually get over it. But at that very moment, I realized the one truth that most men understand early on when it comes to us being hurt in love and relationships…
No one really wants to hear about it.
Which got me thinking, and eventually brought me to today’s topic of discussion.
The Fly Guy Question of the Day-
Can a man freely express heartbreak without the risk of being labeled soft?
Or is he expected to suck it up, and get over it faster than a woman normally would?
Let me know your thoughts.
Click To Listen To Hi-Five’s “She Said”
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You Must’ve Heard Me Praying This Morning Fly Guy!….In All Honesty I’m Going Through this exact thing with my significant other at the moment. i’ve dubbed him “emotion-less & cold-hearted” towards me because he, cannot openly express any emotion to me other than anger, irritation, and negativity. thus why our relationship is failing. i’d give my left arm for him to tell me something heartfelt; for him to open his heart to me completely, cry or something other than the brushed off effect. “i’m ok, the mistakes and the problems of our relationship don’t bother me”. it comes off as him not caring, and because i can’t get a true emotion of positivity out of him, i have no choice but to feel like he doesn’t care and he’s not putting forth any effort to reconcile our broken relationship….would i feel he’s less than a man or “soft” if he expressed heartache,pain,emotions freely???….absolutely not and i feel any woman that would is lost to put it respectfully. we’re all human and at some point we must release the things we hold inside. the more he opens up with me the more comfortable i am about opening myself up to him.
I think it’s sweet when a guy shows emotion, it shows you he cares and that he’s somewhat passionate about something. And everyone hurts and goes through the heartbreak, you have to express yourself somehow. And shoot i rather a guy cry than go to the strip club and act like our relationship didn’t mean nothing.
Let’s be honest ladies. If your man was crying about how much he loved you and wanted you not to leave him, you’d be the first one to call him a punk. You say you want it, but in all actuality, you don’t.
I like to see a man show emotion, its a wonderful thing to see. I mean my bf everytime he gets mad he just shuts down and wont talk to me and then when he does decide to talk to me again its not about the problem it will be like nothing has ever happened.
@ Davey Boy
To see a man cry would not make me call him a punk. I have broke my bf down one time and made him cry and it wasnt anyhting i said or did it was just all the things he kept bottled inside he couldnt hold it in anymore and standing there seeing him finally express some kind of emotion was enought to make me cry and really start to appreciate what I had
Davey Boy, i am soooooooooo with you…….lol
I was friends with my the boyfriend that I have now before we got together. I was there when his then girlfriend got pregnant by another man. He told me evertyhing about how he was feeling and how it hurt him and how much he loved her, it helped me alot because i didn’t think men could feel like that. Through us going thru that together we both grew closer and now we are together, and i appreciate his feelings alot more, and respect them.
@ Chrissy Snow
I’m glad somebody is being honest. Why is everybody frontin for the camera? Men don’t show emotions most of the time because of the way that they will be perceived. And it’s not from their boy. Its from the women. 95% percent of the stuff we do or don’t do is because we think it will impress a woman. let’s be real here people.
lol @ davey boy i seen my man cry once in 11 yrs and he told me the other day out of all the women he has ever had a relationship with they can never say they saw that side of him, being all vunerable or whatever, i was like and, lol but i was also a lil touched by it cause he was telling me that he feels comfortable enough to let his guard down like that, i bet not ever see it again tho…..
Davey I agree and disagree. I remember I had a bf when I was 18 that always expressed his emotions. The first time was fine when he cried about the possibility of losing me during our first fight but after that he would cry about everything, things I wouldn’t even cry about. It wasn’t that I thought he was soft, it was just irritating as hell. I never thought of him as less of a man just too damn emotional for my tastes. I don’t even like overly emotional women that irks me too.
FG: It is unfair but I blame rap music. All this MOB and b*tch I don’t love you, you aint sh*t to me anyway type of mentality and the notion that women are sexual objects that you are NOT supposed to fall in love with. Men play into that hard. Then when they get their hearts broken they can’t cry! I thought you was gangsta? Gangsta’s don’t cry. That’s not gangsta, Gangstalicious.
@CHRISSY: GIRL THAT IS SO MEAN!!!
*SORRY ABOUT CAPS I’M WORKING*
Can a man freely express his heartbreak without being perceived as a punk…no, he cannot. Generally speaking, men are raised to keep emotions inside, to appear strong and to be strong. And women are raised to expect that. Personally, I would appreciate my man expressing himself in that way occassionally because it shows that he has feelings, has a heart. But if he broke down all the time or was always talking about how hurt he was over this or that….I may end up losing some respect.
You better preach quietone.
@ Ms.Miss, lol well hell i am being honest, and when he did cry that time it was cause of something he did that he knew he wasn’t supposed to do (loooong story)he hurt me and i guess the hurt he saw in me made him feel really bad bout his choices so i understood where he was coming from but i don’t wanna see it again, lol and he had a few tears in his eyes each time i gave birth to his kids other than that tho i need not to see the tears thank ya very much….lol
@CHRISSY: WELL I CAN UNDERSTAND IF IT WAS SOMETHING HE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT HURT YOU. I THINK TEARS WOULD HAVE BEEN INSULTING TO ME AT THAT POINT. I WOULD HAVE WANTED BLOOD.
@ Ms.Miss, that is the deal tho, i think he was expecting me to like go off and try to claw his eyes out but i was so hurt that i couldn’t even look @ him, hurt and dissapointed and let down and he knew it too so i think that is why he cried
@Ms. Miss – as the fine Diddy would say, “No bitchassness” LOL!
I personally like to see that my man is human, and is not some cold-hearted freak. I’m not overly emotional myself, so I definitely don’t like to be with some dude that cries more than me. But if someone you love dies, you’re allowed to shed a tear. No one will think you’re a punk (and if they do, f**k them). Now, if you misplaced your car keys and you start balling your eyes out, you need to lose my number immediately.
More men need to talk about their feelings. One thing girls gain from all this emotional talk is other people’s perspectives, and so many times you’re shown another way to look at a situation… guys could definitely benefit from that sort of talk. I don’t think it’s healthy to keep it all inside for fear of looking like a punk. There’s definitely levels to this – it’s not as easy as a yes or no, you shouldn’t show feelings.
On the flip side, my last BF complained that I wasn’t emotional enough for him. I’m very much like, if I lose my job, I’m not gonna cry, “oh woe is me, my life is over cuz I have no job”. I’m gonna say, “well shit happens… lemme fix my resume and find out who’s hiring.” He took it as I didn’t care about the situation at hand. Go figure! You’d think he’d be happy I’m not some sap. Oh well.
@songbird: I totally agree. You and I are right >< here. That same dude told me that he would get upset that I wouldn’t act jealous and said that it was a way of showing I cared. WTF? Things immediately took a turn for the worse. I don’t need a man acting like a child crying and complaining over every little action. But if your heart is broken because of some REAL shit then by all means do what you need to do to heal from that be it talking, crying, singing DC3 Survivor and doing the choreography (side eye). It’s cool when it’s appropriate.
The day I see a man cry the gates of heaven will open and angels will sing, lmao.I would love for men to be more open and show more emotion,and give a emotional feedback to situations rather than shut down and play Madden’08.Lol
People show there emotion different ways. If he’s hurt and then goes out there whoring and drinking all the time, that’s him showing emotion just in a different way. But we accept that over him crying about it. Crazy world we live in.
I think it depends on the man. My husband is all man and in our nine years I’ve seen him cry on several occasions mostly due to family concerns which I think everyone can understand. But what I love is that my husband is also man enough to admit when non-personal things make him misty-eyed (e.g. Denzel’s whipping scene in Glory) and I respect that too because it shows that he’s in touch with his emotional (not feminine) side and doesn’t get caught up the notion that a real man never shows his emotions.
My first experience with a guy crying was with my first love – he cried after our first time (we were both virgins) because I was crying (due to the pain!).That remains a very sweet memory for me.
crying after the first time he had sex? sigh….
@Msgonzo10
I’m glad you found that in your husband. That’s real cool. I know the moment with your first was probably really sweet like you said, but I’m a silly dude. So just imaganing a dude crying after his first time is pretty funny to me. Again, I’m not trying to devalue your experience. The visual I got was funny though :)
Now we all know good n damn well that its taboo for a male to show his true feelings after a nasty breakup. I went thru something similar with my ex-fiance after i found out she slept with a guy,(and later on come to find out a girl as well). However instead of showing my feelings which i was taught never to do. I took it out on women and became the best man-whore i could be.
Im sorry,a male crying after sex is feminine imo. Sorry some things are just a no no and thas one of em
I feel u blackfujones!!! I would kick a dude out if he broke out crying after sex
I’m not impressed by the “I AM MAN. Me no cry” mentality. I’m a strong proponent of communication. If you’re hurt, just say it. If I’m free with my emotions, the man I’m dating must be as well. Crying, on the other hand, I can see both sides of the coin. I once dated a guy who never cried, prided himself on being able to get over a girl in hours. When I broke up with him, he cried. I did not view him any less. I understood. However, my friend once dated a guy who cried about EVERYTHING going on in his life. That’s not attractive to me.
@ blackfu
C’mon now. You just haven’t had the right woman put it on you yet.
B.C.
We were fifteen (too young to be going there in the first place) but that might explain why he cried – it was sweet – a ghetto hallmark moment if you will. Hell it might have been one of the reasons that made me try it again after that debacle – two virgins trying to work it out the first time is recipe for disaster!!
Personally The men who dont show the being hurt emotion nine times out of ten they show that emotion when they are alone and etc.
We are all human both genders so I dont understand why Males peers and etc make a big deal about someone dweeling on being hurt. It happens and thats a way of getting the negative thoughts, emotions out by talking to someone or crying or doing whatever it that one does.
No I do not feel that if a man shows how hurt he is by a female hurting me that he is labled as being soft. I really hate that label but now generations calls is ” You Being A Bi$%#”
Im glad you brought this up FG because the young men and older men needs to understand is human and if a woman does claim you as being soft for showing that emotion UR DEALING WITH THE WRONG ONE ANYWAYS ..lls
Pffft,me and my wife are oversexual people. We don’t usually mix sex and emotions when we all know half the time sex is based on a physical attraction. I’d cry quicker if the bulls lost a playoff game than during sex. Maybe if she was using whips or sumthin but thas another topic.
@modelmami,face it there are things that are coined feminine and masculine for a reason. Perfect example,my sister n laws son. They think its cute that he cried as a kid during certain movies,it was ok for him to show his “emotional side”. Now the boy gets the “mittens” put on him when he’s at school bc he’s to feminine and he gets ridiculed. When will you women realize that that feminine crap that your raised to utilize is not meant for young men especially blk young men. I’m not saying to abandon your emotional side but for the most part when you show emotion as a young male you’re going to catch living hell.
Blackfujones – I think we may be saying the same thing – no man wants to be viewed as a punk (and no woman wants her man to be a punk) but I think the key is balance. As women, we recognize that there are things that will bring us to tears that will not provoke the same reaction in a man and then there are certain things that provoke tears in everyone and quite frankly, a bad heartbreak falls into that category for many people along with birth of children and death of family members. We’re just saying there has to be balance – no we don’t want you crying at anything and everything. That said, we’ll understand (and won’t question your manhood) if you do break down over certain things because despite what society tells you, you are not made of steel. You hurt and bleed just like everyone else. Now go get a box of Kleenex and let it out my brother! :)
I would beware of a dude that cried after sex, maybe he felt like having sex with you was a mistake, lol!!!
Shoot, I’m not going to lie, I have to catch myself when I see a man showing too much emotion. But, I want a man that talks to me, not one that holds everything in. So I have learned to keep my mouth closed and listen to what he is sayiing, and then deal with my own ish later.
mrs Tedeja B. you hit the nail on the coffin honey!!! It was like you took the words out of my mouth and pasted it there. i thought i was the only one that felt the same way . but he (the other part of me i thought) i was an emotional wreck a cry baby . but if you are human then you have emotions i thought you let person know how you feel you dnt wait for it to happen later . i always told myself that you cant change a person thats who they are even after everything they will continue to be who they are wether they are cold hearted or spineless you accept some form of them or you are initially attracted to them it is u that has to decide what you will put up with.