Fly Letters
Uncovering My Husband’s Secret
Dear Fly Guy,
I just found a book that my husband is writing that’s basically his life story, just under a different name. It’s obviously not done yet, but I’m really upset right now. I mean, I know that people have sexual histories, and we probably won’t ever know all of the details. But this book is very graphic and shows him without a sexual conscience, doing things that I never knew he was capable of. But that’s all beside the point. What’s really upsetting me is that I now feel very sexually inadequate. When I tried to talk to him about it, he just brushed me off. He told me that if he ever started to get bored with me that I would be the first to know. But as a woman, I still feels very intimidated to the point where I’m not comfortable having sex with him, which is obviously causing a further strain. So my question is this, if he won’t talk to me about it, then how do we get on the same page? How can I feel secure in my relationship with him again? Sorry for bugging you, but any insight that you might have would be appreciated.
A Concerned Wife
Dear A Concerned Wife,
Your dilemma reminds me of the time I managed Bobby Brown during the last New Edition reunion tour. Bobby was so caught up in the attention the other members were getting, that he lost sight of his own value. Sadly, he started creating drama because of his insecurities, and got kicked out of the group … again. (Ok maybe it didn’t quite go down like that, but my point remains the same.)
Just because some other woman may have swung from the chandeliers for your husband in the past, it doesn’t devalue what you mean to him right now. Besides, if great sex was the only thing that he wanted, then I’m sure he would still be with those other women.
I’m actually glad your husband didn’t want to talk about it. Your insecurities seem to be self-inflicted, and something that you need to personally work through. So instead of focusing on the things that you don’t do, start embracing all of your wonderful qualities that made your husband fall in love in the first place.
The Fly Guy
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Reina
I agree with the insecurities being her own, but he can offer some reinforcement instead of just brushing her off. That’s not helpful. Her security issues can only be cured by her, but sometimes, we females would like to be reminded how fly we are regardless of the strong, independent front we may put on.
But what I’d really like to know is…what activities show him without a sexual conscience? You know…I just need to make sure I don’t fall into this category. It sounds bad!
songbird
Husband definitely should have at least spoken to her about her insecurities, and tried to reinforce why he’s with her and how he wouldn’t stray. No, he shouldn’t talk about his sexual history, but just talk about what she does that drives him wild. Pump up her ego a little bit.
Nobody wants to envision their love bumpin bellies with someone else. That sucks that she had to read it in a book. Wait, isn’t that the premise of the movie, “The Best Man”?
The Fly Guy
@ songbird,
Yeah that was the premise, although he read that his wife to be cheated on him with his best friend. With this, it doesn’t sound like he cheated. She just didn’t know that her husband used to be a superfreak.
@ Reina,
Yeah I’m wondering what could be that shocking that she would now feel inadequate. He wast be one hell of a writer to mess with her mind like that. But like a said, a relationship, especially a marriage, isn’t all about sex, so there’s so much more about her that makes her the one for him. So just because she can’t do a backflip in the middle of sex, shouldn’t make her feel inadequate.
Bahama..It's my b-day!!
UM? how can she be sure that these sexual “perfromances” weren’t just a story? Authors do tend to embellish the truth. But if that’s not the case; I was always under the impression that marriage and relationships were more than sex. Good one anyways. So I agree with what you said FG
mandii
Boy, I can empathize with what A Concerned Wife is going through right now. I too have a guy with a fun filled freeky deeky sexual history. Unlike her situation, I got this info straight from the horse’s mouth. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if I’d stumbled across it. Anywho…it bothered me at first, and I felt as if I had to compete with his past. And then it dawned on me…this is his PAST. So like Fly Guy said: “if great sex was the only thing that he wanted, then I’m sure he would still be with those other women”. With that in mind, take a step back and remind yourself…they may have bedded him, but he chose to spend the rest of his life with YOU.
tsagrednerp
“…but he chose to spend the rest of his life with YOU.” Mandii
So true. You need to let all that go Wifey because he did choose you and whther as fly guy says you can backflip on it or do a double twist with a half volley and stick the landing the man’s in love with you and what you bring to him. Enjoy that and stop dwelling on his past.
Towanda
I think you should just let it go as he is still with you not them other girls. he must love you enough to stay with you so you must be doing something right girl. smile