The Chronicles

Volume 37- We All Lie In Relationships

She told me that all men lie. And while her words initially caught me off guard, I’m almost positive that I can find more than a few women that are ready to stand behind such a bold assertion. If you happen to be one of those women, then you may want to hold off before jumping on that bandwagon. Why? Because I have a stunning revelation of my own…

Women lie just as much as men do…especially when it comes to relationships.

Since neither side is faultless by any stretch of the imagination, I figured today would be a great day to expose both sides for the liars that they are. So here are some of the top lies that both men and women tell in relationships.

Three Lies That Women Tell

1. I’m Not Mad At You

Word of advice: When you hear these words, its time to run for cover. Allow me to break it down for you. In the midst of a discussion, when a woman feels the need to verbally say, “I’m not mad,” her words at that point are about as believable as an O.J. Simpson alibi. (Okay, am I the only one that has grown tired of the Juice? Why didn’t he just disappear when he had the chance?)

2. I had sex with this _______ many guys. (fill in the blank)

Do you remember that episode of the “Cosby Show” when Vanessa was attempting to teach Cliff new math? Well until I got older and wiser, I never realized that this same formula was used by 85% of all women when calculating the number of men that they’ve slept with. It goes a little something like this:

Actual number of men, minus the number of men she’s casually slept with, minus the number of men she wants to forget, divided by 2. (And you thought E=MC2 was difficult to understand)

3. I don’t care how much money you have.

Now before I have a group of self-righteous women threatening to burn me at the stake, let me explain where I’m going with this one. On a very basic level, all women care about money. From the gold diggers to the women who don’t mind having their man’s back, it’s only natural for a woman to care about how much money her man has…after all, he is her man.

But even before she officially commits to him, the amount of money that he makes does cross her mind…no matter how innocent her thoughts may be. Why? Because she has a decision to make. Does she date a man that can potentially take her on a trip around the world? Or does she give the underdog a chance…even though he probably can’t afford to put cheese on her Whopper? (Hey, I’m not mad at you ladies. I like cheese on my Whopper from time to time too.)

Of course, there are other variables that come into play when a woman is deciding who she wants to be with. Even still, you would probably have an easier time getting me to believe that Michael Jackson weighed 140 pounds, than to convince me that a woman doesn’t care about her man and his money.

Honorable Mentions:

a. I don’t mind when you hang out with your friends.

b. I like your parents.

c. I won’t try to change you.

d. I’m over him.

e. I’m just not ready for a boyfriend right now.

f. I don’t mind paying for our dinner.

g. I don’t talk to my friends about us.

Three Lies That Men Tell

1. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.

As a card-carrying member of the male species, allow me to share with you one of our age-old secrets.

We get caught up in the moment very easily.

It’s just in our nature to do so. So when a man looks you in the eye, and tells you that he’s never felt this way about anyone else, it’s not that he’s necessarily trying to tell you a lie. It’s just that all of the blood in his brain is focused on you, so it’s hard for him to remember any of the other experiences that he’s ever had with a woman. (Did you fall for that one?)

Later on though, as the relationship develops, such a claim may very well be true. But if those words come out of his mouth in the beginning stages of your relationship, then it’s probably time for you to leave him faster than a Bush cabinet member.

2. I am going to leave her for you.

Why do women still fall for this one? In a world where both men and women are now delivering complex Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 lies, I just don’t understand why so many women still fall for simple Atari and CalicoVision lies like this one. Here’s a public service announcement: You shouldn’t give him the time of day until he officially leaves her. If you give in a moment sooner, then he never will leave…and that’s a fact.

3. I’m Sorry.

Now this technically doesn’t qualify as a lie in my book, but I will classify it as a serious mistruth. (I know…semantics.) Many times during the course of a relationship, a man just gets tired of arguing. In fact, he would probably rather sit through one of Jennifer Lopez’s vocal lessons (very painful), than to spend his time arguing with you (even more painful.) So instead of going tit for tat with you, many men employ this time-tested defense as a surefire way to get out of virtually any and every disagreement. Is he really sorry? Well that’s debatable. But it does keep the peace, and allows you to return back to your regularly scheduled lives. Just don’t ask what he’s sorry for…that follow up question always seems to make things worse.

Honorable Mentions:

a. She’s just a friend.

b. I will never lie to you.

c. I’m ready for a commitment.

d. I promise that I’ll change.

e. I haven’t had sex since we broke up.

f. I’ll call you right back.

g. Having sex with me will be unforgettable.

A Fly Request: Now it’s your turn. What are some of the top lies that you have either told or that have been told to you while in a relationship? Let’s talk about it.