The Chronicles

Volume 19- Understanding Commitment Part 2

In the interest of promoting healthy dialogue, allow me to pose this question to you. After reading part one of my series on commitment, did you suddenly become extremely self-conscious…feeling as if the column had invaded your privacy? Did you casually glance around to see if anyone was watching you read it, thinking to yourself, “I’m guilty of every single one of these commitment offenses.” You can’t live that way forever though. At some point, you have to stop treating relationships like Britney Spears does rehab, where you’re here today and gone tomorrow. In order to overcome commitment anxiety, you must first understand why it’s so difficult for you to fully commit to someone.

Here are 4 common factors that attribute to commitment anxiety. By understanding the psychology behind the problem, you can one day become more committed than the Lifetime channel is to making the same movie over and over again…and over…and over again. (I’m sorry mom. I know that’s your favorite channel, but how many different ways can a woman find out that her husband is living a secret life?) Now on to the list.

1. Fear of losing your self identity.

You’ve worked so hard to establish your own personal identity, and the last thing you need is someone coming in trying to change who you are. So instead of being confident that you can maintain a sense of self, you run from any opportunity to get close to someone. It also doesn’t help that anytime you’ve ever been in a serious relationship, you friends give you a hard time about “changing on them.” So instead of upsetting your BFFs-Best Friends Forever, you stay single…just like them.

2. Poor childhood examples.

I was once in a relationship where my girlfriend broke my heart by cheating on me…repeatedly. At one point, I honestly thought she was an army recruiter, as she was always in search of a few good men. It turns out that her mother’s main message during childhood was, “Always keep a man on the side.” Thanks a lot mom. Just like her, many of us were destined for relationship failure simply by the examples we were shown as children. Watching the Cosby Show may have helped some of us…but definitely not all.

3. Fear of being taken advantage of financially.

This is the one thing that keeps Bill Gates, Oprah, and myself up at night…well maybe not me. But in all honesty, you don’t have to be a billionaire to possess a fear that someone is with you strictly for financial gain. You never know, they might be using you to take advantage of your employee discount at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It’s not out of the realm of possibility, considering the examples that flood through our televisions every day of people possessing less than honorable intentions.

4. Fear of being abused.

Worse than any scar left by a punch or a kick, the mental damage caused by abuse from a past relationship can be irreversible…which is similar to the pain I’ve endured thanks to Ben Affleck movies (after so many painful experiences with him…Gigli, Changing Lanes, Daredevil…I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to put myself out there again.) The same can be said for you, after the emotional and physical pain caused by a former love.

The Fly Guy Moral: Far be it from me to discredit any of these factors. Our childhood, our past relationships, and society do play a huge role in our ability or inability to commit. But in order to one day be able to coexist healthily and happily with someone, you must address these issues head on. In next week’s conclusion to our series on commitment, I’ll deal with the questions we must ask ourselves and our partners before we plunge headfirst into committing to them.