The Chronicles

Volume 14- Avoiding The “L” Word

I love you. Let’s face it, at some point we all want to be told those three magic words. And if you’re reading this right now shaking your head in disagreement, then maybe you needed about two more hugs as a child. But what happens when you start dating someone, and they drop the “L” bomb on you a little too soon? That can be about as uncomfortable as Kevin Federline reading his new bank statement. That’s why the Fly Guy has decided to bless you with 7 Ways To Avoid I Love You. By taking my advice, you’ll be able to dodge that phrase better than Bobby Brown could ever avoid making his child support payments.

Number 7- Say Something Funny
A great way to weasel your way out of the moment is to lighten the mood. Use whatever’s made them laugh in the past. I understand that not everyone has the ability to just drop a classic joke at the drop of a dime, but I’m sure you can think of something. Try something like, “What was Chris Rock thinking when he made Pootie Tang?…And now that I think about it, what is a Pootie?” They may not fall for it, but at least it will buy you a few more seconds before you commence with plan B.
Chance at Success: 72%

Number 6- Say Something Real Serious…Real Fast
You’re trapped. And if you don’t feel like humor is your forte, then drop something so serious that it will instantly make all thoughts of love seem irrelevant. Try this…”I’m glad you said that. I was watching this public access special, and there was this homeless, single mother of five who donated her legs to science just to have enough money to feed her kids. She would drag herself to the bus stop every morning to see them off and encourage them to have a great day. Now that’s what I call love.” How can they possibly respond after something like that?
Chance at Success: 84%

Number 5- Start Crying
That’s right. Turn those faucets on. You need to cry harder than Kanye West during someone else’s award show acceptance speech. The moment will then become awkward, but in your favor. They’ll be so concerned about making sure you’re okay, that any thought of your response will be put on hold.
Chance at Success: 87%

Number 4- Kiss Them
This works almost every time (unless they subscribe and read the Fly Guy too). This is the perfect way to show them that you truly care, without having to address the moment directly. So pucker up and give them a passionate kiss. Note: It can’t be like the kiss your big aunt gives you at Christmastime before she helps herself to a sweet potato pie sandwich (I know…you didn’t think they made those either, but sadly your aunt can make a sandwich out of anything.)
Chance at Success: 90%

Number 3- Tell A “Crazy” Relationship Story
As soon as they say it, you have to straighten up really quick. Tell them you’re not ready to hear that, because of what happened the last time someone told you that so soon. “In my last relationship, I was told that early on, and they turned out to be an escaped felon wanted in 6 states for being a serial midget abuser.” Instantly they’ll get defensive, and start trying to convince you that they’re not crazy. They’ll even show their certificate for completing the “Little People Sensitivity Workshop.” Problem solved.
Chance at Success: 92%

Number 2- Challenge Them
If you believe it’s too early for them to say I love you, then you need to call them out on it. Remind them that it’s only been three weeks since you met, and two of those weeks their cell phone was cut off due to nonpayment, so you’ve really only had 3 conversations with them total. That should shut it down real quick. It may hurt their feelings, but at least you’ll get your point across.
Chance at Success: 95%

Number 1- Be Straight Up
Honesty is always the best policy. Sometimes it can be the most uncomfortable option, but it gets top billing on my list. Tell them you appreciate how they feel, but you just aren’t there yet. They may feel more slighted than Stevie Wonder at the DMV, but at least they’ll respect your honesty.
Chance at Success: 98%

The Fly Guy Moral: Regardless of how you handle the situation, keep this one thing in mind: You should never play with someone’s emotions. If the feeling isn’t mutual, then don’t take the easy way out by saying I love you too. Once you cross that line, there’s no turning back. You’ll avoid a lot of confusion down the road if you remain honest about your feelings and respectful of theirs.