The Chronicles

Volume 11- The Signs Of A Cheater

Have you ever been in a public bathroom and just took a quick moment to observe the writing on the wall? (I mean seriously, who is Big Daddy D, and why does he want everyone to know that he hangs out in the mall bathroom?) But Big Daddy D aside, there’s plenty of symbolism in that experience. In our personal lives there’s lots of figurative writing on our walls as well. We just have to open our eyes and see it.

So today’s lesson:The Signs of A Cheater. This way, you can see the writing on the wall and spot when your loved one is being more dishonest than Angie Stone on Celebrity Fit Club. This will be a three-part series, so make sure you check back in with me over the next two weeks to get the complete installment (This could be bigger than Wesley Snipes’ tax debt.)

The Signs

No More Drama
Do you remember when you used to do lunch, hang out with mutual friends, and all of the cute things that couples do? And when you couldn’t make it, there would be genuine disappointment. But now, they don’t care. In fact, they don’t even bring it up anymore. When you ask about lunch, they say they already ate, or when you mention going out, their answer is a non-committing, “I don’t care.” Why don’t they care? Because someone else is filling that void. Those cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster were supposed to be yours. Now somebody else is eating your biscuits as we speak.

Overly Sensitive
You can’t ask simple questions without them overreacting and getting defensive. “Baby, what time do you think you’ll be home tonight?” In return you get major attitude from them, no real answer, and a lecture on having trust in the relationship. You haven’t seen this much resistance since the time you had to convince your 62-year old drunk uncle that he was no longer a ladies’ man.

No More Affection
She used to be your sex kitten, never able to get enough of you. Now you don’t get that romantic attention anymore as she seems more interested in doing other exciting things like watching paint dry, cleaning out the lint trap in the dryer, or reading the liner notes of an old JJ Fad album.

A Startling Conclusion
Does your loved one wake up disoriented, not exactly knowing where they are? Do they look more confused than me trying to figure out the difference between Dem Franchise Boys and D4L? Well that’s probably because they ARE confused. They really don’t know where they are…which usually happens when you’re not sure whose bed you’re waking up in.

No Talk of the Future
The two of you used to dream about how wonderful life would be as a married couple. You shopped for rings, and longed to have three little girls named Latisha, Anisha, and Propecia. Life was never better. Now they get uncomfortable when you mention anything concerning your relationship’s future outside of going to the movies next week.

Top Secret
Your relationship used to be pretty open, but your mate has suddenly become very secretive. This can include everything from not disclosing personal information voluntarily anymore, to locking up their belongings (you now need a passcode, fingerprint analysis, retina scan, mother’s maiden name, voice recognition, urine sample, and a 1902 Indian penny just to use their cell phone.)

Honorable Mentions: A change in sleeping patterns (restlessness, exhaustion, nightmares), an increase in random gift giving, especially if they didn’t do it before (perhaps to deal with their own guilt for betraying you), and constantly accusing you of cheating.

The Fly Guy Moral: While these signs aren’t absolute indicators that someone is cheating, they will enhance your cheat radar allowing you to be more aware of irregular changes in their behavior. Don’t hastily jump to conclusions though. I don’t want to read about you kicking in your lover’s door waving a .44 screaming, “THE FLY GUY WAS RIGHT!!!” just because they couldn’t sleep last night. Keep each sign in its proper perspective, and proceed with caution when deciding if or when to confront them (that is unless you find a sextape of him relieving himself in a Zorro mask with his greatest hits playing in the background.) Next week, we’ll tackle how you should approach your loved one if these signs and others are present in your relationship.